Is it possible a man (32) would date a woman living much closer first, even if he liked me as much/more?

Any perspectives very much appreciated! :)

Four months ago, I was curious and met this great guy online when I was ending my studies in a different country.

I've just arrived back a month ago, and we've kept on chatting almost daily on Google Talk, him truly initiating more than a third of conversations; Facebooking and such. We're both very much into the same things, and he's clear on that he wants to meet the right woman and settle down soonish. We've been talking very respectfully and open, and have a GREAT natural flow of complementing humor and flirtatiousness in our conversations. We're both dreamers, poets and idealists, and have created "future worlds" most certainly making me feel as if he wanted to meet as soon as I returned, at least.

Coming back, he's been on holiday for a week and had it quite busy at work, but I patiently waited it out and kept on being his friendly companion. Thursday I couldn't help myself and gently confronted him about whether or not he still wanted to meet me, and this obviously had him in a sudden corner. He said that he appreciated me asking him straight out, and that he also feels we are on the same page and have a great thing going, but that he has met another woman recently living close by (I live two hours away) who is interested in a relationship, and he feels he should give it a try. He immediately tried to explain that he's been laying awake at night, not wanting to "have to choose" so soon when he doesn't know anybody well yet, and that he was "afraid that I was going to disappear from the planet" and that he "also thought I was an excellent girl". It seems to me this gentleman had me fooled by not being completely honest with me, but that he truly didn't want to date two women at once, and would like to perhaps give it a go with me at a later stage? He has told me very firmly that he wants to keep contact with me.. in fact, I can't help thinking he wishes I never found out so that he could try out his options without disappointing me in the process. Am I out of my mind?

This guy really seems to care for me. Should I be mature and jump back on the "friendship"-horse asap (I've just turned 24 and want to maintain my emotional maturity in front of him), or show him that I'm brooding a bit before I let him back into my life and thoughts? I can't help but still have hope in me. Furthermore... is there an approach I could take that would remind him why he would want to be with me instead?


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What Guys Said 2

  • If I were talking to two girls, and got along well with both of them, but one lived in my city and the other lived 100 miles away, I'd chose the girl in my city. No question. It's nothing personal, but there are a lot of factors to consider in a partner. And proximity is an important factor. I'd want to be able to see her without too much travel or trouble.

    I suspect this guy is trying to let you down gently. He's simply not interested in the same type of relationship with you that you are with him. If he *were* interested in dating you, he'd have asked you on a date.

    You're describing one of the hazards of online relationships. You're all wrapped up in a relationship that's as much fantasy as fact. You've obviously got a lot of emotion and hope invested in this guy. But you don't really know him ... at least not the same way you'd know him if you'd dated real-world for 4 months. As a general rule of thumb, I think that people who meet online and seem to hit it off should try to transition to a face-to-face, real-world meeting within a month. That's enough time to realize that you might be a good match, but also a short enough period to save your heart and dignity if they're a scammer, scumbag or if there's just no real-world connection.

    I suggest that you gracefully fade away. That's a true sign of emotional maturity: being able to see reality for what it is, and knowing when to cut your loses and retreat with some dignity intact.

    Good luck.

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    • Thanks for your honesty and for really getting into replying to my super long posting.. I really appreciate it. :)

    • Hi guys and girls... I thought I'd just give a quick update. I chose to remain this guy's distant friend, but cut off most of our conversation and respecting that he was now 'taken', cut off all subtle flirting etc, really letting go. Seven months later, he called, and even thought I was careful and sceptical, we started seeing each other. Today he says he knew from our first meeting that he wanted to marry me. We are now happily married! Crazy. Sometimes one actually is the exception. :)

  • As has been said, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

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