What does it say about a guy, when he doesn't always offer to pay for the dates in the beginning of the relationship?

I have been dating this guy, and the first date, he paid and when I insisted to pay half, (mannerism) he told me that I could buy the popcorn. On another date, we were sitting with other friends and when the bill came he didn't even offer to pay for my drink. I felt a little embarrassed, and unappreciated. Although this sounds superficial, I find it a big turn off when he doesn't offer to pay and I am confused because sometimes he offers and sometimes not, and we're still in the beginning of our relationship. I am scared that he's a cheapskate!

Updates:
I considered that he might be financially in a mess, but when he told me that he regularly gambles, that's when I started feeling like something was wrong.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • You dont sound superficial at all honestly. Its important that a guy is able to fight for your attention. If a guy cares and is worth it, he will show it. Guys go for What they want

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    • Kay, so I'm not crazy? I really don't have high expectations, but I do think that it's respectful for the guy to pay till the second date...

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    • In return we deliver your babies. Do you want to switch roles? I didn't think so.

    • And What about everything that women do? One example is my bf pays for me, because thats where he's comfortable showing me he cares, and I often will cook for him, because thats where I'm comfortable showing I care. Or that I often clean. Whatever else. So Stop whining like the restof them. Start respecting people who prefer traditional relationships. Whatever floats your boat

What Guys Said 9

  • The problem here is you, not him.

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  • With the amount of "dine and ditch" girls out there don't expect many guys to pay for dates. Girls should look at who a person is and not what's in his wallet anyway. If him not buying you a drink is that big of a deal to you I'd honestly suggest you check your priorities.

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    • There are a lot of shitty girls out there, and I understand this approach. A man's money is worth just as much as a woman's. But don't you think that if let's say they have been speaking for two weeks before their date, that he wouldn't mind taking a chance in investing in a girl he likes?

  • He could have been short on cash or maybe he was thinking the same thing... he thought you might offer to pay. Then there is the old fashion approach where you actually talk to him about it.

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    • And say what? I want to be open about stuff with him because that's what relationships are about, but I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable. Honestly, if he were to even just offer, it would make me feel a lot better. It's this weird feeling women get when their man "doesn't want to take care of them" and I know it sounds ridiculous...

    • No, it's not ridiculous. It could be that gambling is a problem, but maybe not. Maybe just different viewpoints of who should pay when.

  • Take a step back real quick and look at the way you're thinking here:

    1. You want someone else to pay for your stuff, and you don't want to pay for theirs.
    2. That person offers to pay for your stuff often, but not ALL the time.
    3. You think think OTHER person might be a cheapskate.

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    • As I just said in an other post, I'm a believer in treating in the beginning, but a dude not offering to pay for every single thing does not make him a cheapskate. That doesn't make any sense.

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    • not at all.. i'm all about equality.
      i'd discuss with him about how we're going to pay.. is he going to pay for ours, am i going to pay for mine, or am i going to pay for ours.

    • I understand about the gesture, and I'm personally one who enjoys paying for early dates. But I think that putting this much stock into it is just silliness, and it's a total overreaction. I just don't see how him not paying every single time for every single thing warrants leaping to the conclusion that he's a cheapskate.

      If you take that attitude and apply it to, other areas of the relationship, you're just gonna have a hard time in life.

      For example, let's just say that he doesn't get you off in bed once or twice out of like ten times that you sleep together (once you guys get to that point). Does that make him a selfish lover too?

  • I think it's only fair to split the cost, or take turns at paying the bill.
    I'm not trying to buy anyone, or be exploited by them. I don't have to pay for someone's company, and they shouldn't have to pay for mine.

    People reckon whores are mercenary and materialistic, but I've even had a whore buy me lunch and I didn't have to bang her for it. I think I paid for coffee, later that day.

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  • Lol you made him think you are an emancipated girl who wants to pay for her own shit but really you are the opposite. You should tell him how you feel, because you gave him the wrong impression. How should he know you'd like him to pay after the first date?

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    • This might have been my mistake, but I think it would be rude not to offer. Most girls offer, in hope that the guy will insist on paying. Messed up as it is, this is the reality.

    • So you basically want to throw away all the achievements of emancipation? I mean why should the guy pay? So that you like him for his money? If I want to pay for a girl, I do it but if she tells me she wants to pay her own, I respect that and will only occasional offer to pay. You have no other choice than telling him, that you want it that way. he might want an emancipated girl... you better consider this.

  • Means he's not made of money. Expect this a lot.

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    • And what if he gambles once a week? Is he still not made of money then?

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    • Not being critical, but maybe update the question and include that. :)

    • Ya, I feel like I didn't present the question in it's fullest and I got some hater comments. :(

  • I think it's smart to not pay for the whole date at the beginning. So many women expect it and are turned off by it so when a women is fine with paying her fair share then I at least know she's interested in getting to know me and not get my money. It's a good way to weed out the women who like a guy for how much he spends on her. If he regularly gambles and spends lots of money doing that I wouldn't be with that guy

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    • Listen, there's nothing more to argue about. It's modernized views vs, traditional views. That's all. I don't think any of this has to do with me being a gold digger or being selfish, it's just the way I was raised and I guess he wasn't raised the same way.

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    • Oh not at all! There are tons of ways of showing appreciation, and if I thought money was the only way, I would dump him right away. I am super traditional, so I think that a man can also show his appreciation by opening a door for her or calling when he says he will. In return a woman should equally make an effort to please him whether it be by making him dinner or buying him presents. etc.

    • I'm definitely not traditional. I'm pretty much I want everything like 50/50 so it's equal

  • It says he doesn't want to deal with gold diggers. The sooner he can get rid of them, the better off he will be. You're the cheap skate, you feel insulted when you have to pay your own way. How much cheaper than that can you get? Damn...

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    • Okay, first of all if I was a gold-digger I would NOT be dating this guy. He doesn't have that much money but I do think that it is appropriate that if he asks me out, he should at least offer to pay. This has nothing to do with money, it has to do with old fashion respect values. This is the only guy I have ever dated that hasn't offered and I am still with him because I really like him. Clearly, the way I was raised is different than the way you were. It is a matter of politeness and a man showing that he cares even if it's putting down five dollars. It's the idea, not the money.

    • haha no wonder your dumb... it's your 1st relationship. You know NOTHING about relationships yet. I'm not even gonna comment any longer.

      What's gonna happen is he's going to leave you one day and then you'll finally realized you were being a stupid bitch.

      Then the next relationship you have you will LEARN from this mess and appreciate it when someone does something for you.

      I'm not gonna comment any longer say what you want. I just can't wait for the day when you get dumped by him over money issues that YOU started up.

    • He asked you out on a date. You took a chance on him and paid for you in full on the first date. You liked him enough to want to keep getting to know him and offered to pay half last time so WTF is your issue? Oh you were lying to him to act like you wanted to be a responsible adult, but really you just wanted someone to act like your daddy and pay your bills princess. Pathetic.

What Girls Said 5

  • It's totally fine with me. It doesn't make him an asshole or a douche-bag if he doesn't pay. To be honest, I don't mind paying for the date at all.

    Society has made it a thing to were you're not a 'gentleman' if you don't pay for your date. That's far from true. You never know his financial state in life, he could have just been tight on cash that night.

    When I go on dates, I either go dutch, or we take turns paying for each other. It breaks even in the end.

    Good luck and happy dating. xoxo

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  • He's a broke as bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch. lol j/k. You already set the president that you prefer to pay for half. He probably assumes that this is your preference on how you like the evening to go.

    Or perhaps he doesn't have enough money to pay for you, and only offers to pay your way when he can afford it.

    He may have a gambling problem, that is a very serious addiction.

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  • Well YOU set the pace from day one by arguing that you should pay something too. Now he knows that you're a modern women who wants to pay her own way. He might think you'll take insult if he wants to pay all the time.

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  • What it says about a guy? It says about him that he doesn't care much about socially constructed gender roles, and rightfully so, if you ask me. It's totally fine if you prefer rather traditional gender role allocations, but just because he doesn't, doesn't mean he's a cheapskate or disrespectful. It just means he treats you as his equal, which I personally think is something you should embrace.

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    • I guess I haven't been modernized yet. :/

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    • Offer to pay for the whole date? Or just my half?

    • No, you're paying your half anyway. You were expecting him to offer to pay for all your drinks, weren't you?

  • Okay, I grew up pretty old school and I would love if the guy paid for a date. However he's not obligated to. I'd love it he did or offered to because of the generosity. But if it were up to me, first couple dates, I'd just as equally like to go dutch. Less often, I'd stick to whoever did the asking pays. Beside the point, you don't get to expect him to do all the paying. It's not the 50s. I know I sort of went against myself saying I'm kind of old school, but it's not fair to him. I've seen someone say it already but just because you think one way doesn't think he has to also. Don't consider him a cheapskate, maybe he's just frugal. And if you're basing whether or not you're having fun on your dates or whether or not it was a good date at all on if he paid for you, dating is gonna be tough. Don't be so uptight about it.

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    • Maybe my expectations are too high, because I, myself love to give even when I don't have what to give.

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    • I am not harping on him for not paying. I am harping on him for not being a gentleman and offering.

    • Why would he offer if he wasn't gonna pay? That's stupid. It's like offering to take you on a date and you never go on one. It's only gonna lead you to disappointment. It's better to not get your hopes up rather than drop them down and you'll be pissed at him later. It's just wrong of you really. You're basing him being a gentleman on a sentence (I'll pay for it if you want), rather than how awesome the date was or how nice he was or how fun it was. It's one tiny thing; just get over it.

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