This whole "ignore texts so they go away" bullsh*t?

A couple things before I get into this. First of all, I know I'm not God's gift to women. I don't look like Brad Pitt and I'm not super smooth. I know not every girl is going to fall in love with me after one date, and I'm fine with that. And I know a girl doesn't owe me anything because I bought a bottle of wine and some food. Just wanted to get that out of the way.

I've been on more than two dozen dates via online dating, and I'm noticing an alarming trend. Whether we go on one date, two dates, ten dates... when she stops being interested, there's no "break up" of any kind. One day, the communication just stops. Sometimes in the middle of a conversation. I typically wait a little bit - sometimes life happens and I hate clingyness as much as anyone - and send another message. Nothing.

And I get it. That conversation can get awkward. And, yes, I get the hint and stop texting. So I understand that it works.

But I find it incredibly disrespectful. I'm 30 and I date girls in their mid-to-late-20s - we're all adults. If a girl doesn't like me, I'm not going to cry about it. But, at least have the decency to say so.

I know guys do it too - I've seen women on here complain about the same thing. And I'd tell a guy the same thing - be a man and end it correctly. And while I typically think a text is a bad way to break it off with someone, after a handfull of dates (or less), it's fine. "Hey, I had a great time, but I'm not feeling it." It takes ten seconds, and it's the adult thing to do.

So, while this is mostly a rant, I do have questions:

1. Guy or girl, have you ever done this? If so, why do you do it? Do you realize it's disrespectful, or are you trying to save feelings?

2. Guy or girl, has this happened to you? Have you ever called someone out on it? If so, what happened?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • I've done it and had it done to me. You do it because, how ever you feel at the moment, might think its the easiest way. Some people really don't know how to let someone down easy, especially over text, so they hope it will just go away. Sometimes people don't get your message and think you're the one who ignored them first (I've had that happened to me, too). Sometimes life just gets in the way and replying can be forgotten. I did it because I thought it would be less "messy". I do feel sorry about it now tho, I was younger when I did that, so I've learned.

    When it was done to me, I got all hypocritical and pissed off and made a fuss about it. They claimed they were busy, but they were shady so I didn't fully believe them. Turned out, they were an asshole from the getgo and I have left them as kindly and up front as I could.

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What Girls Said 13

  • I've done it In various ways, but they the reason usually falls into two categories.

    A.) I've told them, I'm not interested/its not going to work. They say "its alright and that they just want to be friends" but constantly cross the friendship barriers and obviously don't respect the boundaries that I want ut in place, so I cut them off completely.

    B.) I just don't care about them/not interested enough to take time out of my day to respond. Their texts are the equivalent of spam mail. I don't feel obligated, nor do I want to respond.

    It hasn't happened to me often (because I'm selective of those I invite into my life for friendship/relationships), but it has happened. However it doesn't bother me that much, I could care less if someone doesn't want to talk to me/get to know me then they aren't obligated too. People who have different views as me often see me as a raging asshole, others see me as an angel. Can you guess who is interested in spending time with me and who isn't?

    For me, life is too short and I've got the privileged of a a healthy/fulfilling/happy social life. So it doesn't bother me when someone isn't interested in getting to know me. They don't owe me an explanation or a reason, they are free to leave whenever they want. At least that is my perspective on things.

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    • Regarding A I totally understand. If the guy is just being dense, ignoring is probably your best option. Again, it works.

      But B still comes off as disrespectful for me. You were interested enough in the guy to go out with him in the first place. If you were completely turned off by the date, just be honest at the end of the date. If you make him believe that things went well, he's going to ask again. And no - you're not obligated to respond. But I just think it's the respectful thing to do - you've moved on, and it's just a courtesy so he can move on.

      For the record, I'd rather be told that I'm an ugly fucking loser than to just be ignored. Then, at least, we're on the same page.

      But if you think it's fine, that's fine. I'm just trying to understand it.

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    • That makes sense. It's simply a difference of opinion, then. And like I said, I get it. And it's a decently thin line between a quick "sorry, I'm not interested" text and no text at all. I just feel that, even after just one date, the text is warranted.

      And I could definitely see how the post-date texting can turn a good date sour afterwards. I struggle with that because the guy might have one-word answers to avoid looking clingy. Or might be overly attentive to appear to be interested. I've never been the type to get sexual out of nowhere, but I'm certain I've done the other two.

      What do you think is the best balance?

    • in my opinion the balance is not over thinking, and applying rational life experience. When testing I usually attempt to have engaging conversations that entertain myself and the person with whom I'm speaking. conversations that require open ended questions and answers. I also take the other persons life into consideration, if I know they work in the morning I'll send a good morning text and if they respond I won't text them again until lunch. I attempt to wrap up conversations before bed And ask them what their plans are for the day/week so that I know I'm not interrupting.

      Yeah I once had a guy get disgustingly sexual while talking about icecream. It wad the most blizzare thing.

  • I am guilty of doing this unintentionally (I'm just terrible at replying), sometimes guys will call me on it and I'll apologize and try to get better about it. However if they're rude/get visibly mad over it, I will continue to not reply. Generally the only time I straight up stop replying to a person is if they are acting like a genuine douchebag.

    It's also happened to me more than once, it's actually how my most recent attempt at a relationship ended. He just stopped returning my texts, and after a few attempts at getting in contact, then I got the hint. I think for some people it's just easier to end things in this way than actually give a reason/talking about it.

    that's my take on it, at least.

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    • It's definitely easier. And that's why people do it. I think they assume that the other person will get mad. Or upset. And maybe things would get worse. But if they just disappear, there's no one to get mad at. And if they do, they can just keep ignoring. It's easier to avoid the problem than deal with it.

      My thought is... that early in a relationship, no one committed enough to get upset. I had the greatest date of my life about a couple months ago. It was a first date. If she'd told me afterwards that she didn't want a second date, I'd have been bummed, but I wouldn't have been crushed.

      In regards to your issue, I'd just tell people up front that you're not good at replying. That should get you leeway with most people.

  • I can honestly say I do not recall doing it. Usually if I want to stop talking to someone I'll tell them, straight up.
    I've been talking to a friend recently (a female). And I was just catching up and out of a the blue she stopped texting back... We were in the middle of a conversation. I know it's not the same as dating but it is just as rude.

    Honestly when you call someone out on it they'll just be like "My phone died" "I lost my phone". So done with your crap people, fuck you and goodbye.

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  • no i have never done this before but i do find it happens to me a lot with guys. I don't know if they find somebody else thats better looking or something because all of a sudden they just drop you. Nothing really happened when i asked why they suddenly were not talking to me and acting like we didn't know each other, they just ignored me so i moved on ahhahahah

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  • Your right people should cut that shit out I mean I'm only 17 and people might say that I don't much but I really do think when it's two adults trying to build communication both should at least have the decency to say when they don't feel like things are going to work out. When I feel this way I usually say it but then it usually ends with me being a stuck up selfish bitch who thinks she's better than everyone. But your right and I understand where your coming from.

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    • Thank you! My biggest thing is that, in between the first and second date, I actually spend time thinking about what would be fun based on what I learned in the first date. If she mentions having never had X food or been to Y restaurant, I think of / research places that might be fun. Or an activity I think she'd like.

      And if she strings me along or isn't really interested in a second date, it's a lot of wasted thinking. And that's really where the frustration comes in.

      I don't know if all guys are like that, but I am.

    • Well I hope things work out for you and don't let them treat you like that.

  • Yes, I have done it, not proud of it-- unless I found the guy obnoxious. I usually do it because it's easy. I have had it done to me, I call them out, they get defensive, I stop replying to them.

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  • I haven't called someone out on it but its been done and then he reapears. I have ended a situation through txt. I feel its rude to let that person linger. And im 25 it's just the maturity of a person to just say it period

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    • I agree that it's a maturity thing. And what sucks is that I expect women to be more mature than guys. So for women to suddenly act like they're 12 again and run and hide is disappointing.

    • I've learned that a lot of women aren't mature for their age at all and it shocked me

  • This has happened to me and it's very hurtful. I wish they would be honest and say they don't want to continue talking to you instead of just stopping out of the blue leaving you with doubts and insecurities

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  • well.. I'm a women and this was always a men thing. They don't give you closures. Nowadays women are acting like men and doing the same as it was passed on for long time. I know it hurts and thats what i do... keep silent and let me get it

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  • I've never done it before but it's happened to me. I guess they just don't want to bother.

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  • Both sexes do it. They figure the person will get the message more easily and less painfully than awkwardly saying it. I guess after one or two dates they don't think it was such a big investment.

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  • It happens much more with Internet dates.

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    • Yeah, that's been my experience. I guess people are talking to so many other guys/girls that they feel like it's okay to just drop someone and move on. The problem for me is that, even with internet dating, I tend to focus on one person. I'm just terrible at juggling more than one person - so until I get a signal to move on, I usually stay focused on that one girl. Especially if I thought the first date warranted a second one.

  • No, well I never been on a date.. Only hooked up once. From my experience, if I get the clue he's not into me and knowing guy won't tell me so, I don't know why. Instead they ALWAYS fucking say " ill see you next time" and lead you on for nothing. I just ignore it to keel myself from having any more. emotional attachment

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    • and it just pissed me off when they just leave you clueless... can I have an answer why guys do. this Shit? Someone pls answer cause j just don't get it

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    • Really? I didn't really seem to expect that from us

    • Yes. It's actually happened a few times. End of the date, I tell her I had a great time, and almost every time, the girl agrees. I ask if she'd like to go out again, and she almost always says yes. And later, when I contact her, she says she's not interested (or I get the ignore thing).

      This site has taught me that guys and girls do a lot of the same things to each other.

What Guys Said 3

  • It's happened to me fairly recently. Everything was good, it was progressing nicely. Then bam, she fell off the face of the earth. The last thing I heard was, good night I'll text you tomorrow. Never heard from her again. While I agree it's rude, I can understand. Especially with online dating. Some people are dating/talking to multiple at a time. If one of those suddenly becomes serious, I can see why sending multiple dear john's might not be much fun. Sudden lose of communication isn't something I enjoy being on the receiving end of. I won't do I t to a woman, but it is what it is.

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  • Its happen to me and I just sort take it as "oh okay" and then go back to drinking my Mountain Dew. I do agree that the person, male or female, should just say something to "officially" end things. But on the other hand I feel like since your texting this should kinda be expected. If your talking with someone on the phone I hope they won't just hang up mid sentence, but its easy to just stop replying via text.

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  • I've gotten that from online dating too.

    I guess because it starts so casually, people don't mind ending it casually too. Its kinda lame.

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