How do I meet a decent guy when all I attract are a**holes?

I seem to only attract men that want sex! I know there are several things I'm doing wrong but I can't seem to change my behavior. I've only really looked for men on dating sites. I do this because men out in the world won't talk to me. I recently met a (so I thought) nice guy we met somewhere in public, he paid for dinner, opened the car door for me, we had a nice time together then talked twice a day until our next date a week later. I felt comfortable enough to have him pick me up at my house and as soon as I got in the car he told me that if he was going to be drinking he wasn't going to want to drive home, that his plan was to get a hotel room. I thought ok well I guess I can call someone to come get me when I was over the whole thing but he kept getting more and more drinks and before I knew it I could barely walk. We ended up at this hotel that I don't even remember walking to and we had sex. I honestly didn't want to sleep with him that soon and I'm not blaming him for my alcohol consumption I should have stopped much sooner than I did. But it happened and now he's too busy to talk to me. I knew that would happen. I'm kicking myself because I actually liked him and I knew that if I gave it up to quickly I'd never talk to him again.
I keep telling myself if I stop looking the right guy will come around but I'm so afraid that he wont. I don't know what to do. I've spent the last 3 days beating myself up about this and yet I keep doing it over and over.

Updates:
To help with any confusion... I'm 5'0 120# brown hair blue eyes athletic, attractive. I'm not a hideous monster. I've been told I'm unapproachable because I come off very intimidating and most men look for easy targets.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • guys online are only looking for flings after watching to much p*rn, go to social outings bookstore, church, grocery store etc.

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    • Thank you beautiful

What Guys Said 13

  • Okay, if you're 30-35 and you start off with "I seem to only attract men that want sex," there's your problem right there... you're 30-35 and you clearly don't understand men.

    What kind of men do you want to attract? Men that DON'T WANT SEX? That's easy, just go outside a geriatric center for elderly men who are survivors of testicular cancer and have both of their testicles removed (maybe even their penis too). You're "guaranteed" to find at least one guy in there that genuinely no longer desires to have sex.

    Your phraseology, not mine. Right? You didn't say, "men you JUST want to have sex, AND NOTHING ELSE." Nope. Could have said that, but you didn't. Freudian slip came out, and the issue was with "WANTING SEX." (period). That means that you've spent all this time on earth and you still don't understand that MEN WANT SEX. ALL HETEROSEXUAL MEN THAT ARE HEALTHY WITH NORMAL HORMONE LEVELS WANT SEX!

    Second give-away as to why you are where you are: "I knew that if I gave it up to quickly I'd never talk to him again." That's lovely! Why don't you just go on through life operating under the assumption and belief that "once a man has sex with you, he loses all interest in you." So, therefore, "if you want to keep a man interested in you, just delay having sex with him for as long as you can!"

    Hmm... (thinks of the female version of that): "Once a woman gets married to you, she loses all of her interest in you. So, if you want to keep a woman interested in you, just delay marrying her for as long as you can!" I wonder what would happen after "some point," it's only "humanly natural" for two people who are "sexually attracted" to each other to "want to have sex" with each other, but for one of them to "not seem like she's interested in having sex, or intentionally delaying or foregoing having sex." Hmm, do you kinda sort of think that maybe that send a mixed or wrong message?

    Do you kinda sort of think that this guy was like, "finally! Now fcuk her!" ?

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    • "I've been told I'm unapproachable because I come off very intimidating and most men look for easy targets." I think you just have the wrong ideas about men, and need to get your "ego" under control. Please, don't bother with backlash to try and redeem yourself, I'm not interested. You've got an opinion for a guy on how guys think. It's up to you now if you want to continue doing everything the way you've been doing things so far (and expect something different to happen), or to reconsider the way you think about the world, yourself, and your attitude towards men and sex.

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    • You remind me of a client we helped defend against a ridiculous employment discrimination lawsuit. During an interview with a male tax attorney, the male candidate said, "Well, if we end up working together, I guess you'll see how well we work together and whether 'I'm' a good fit here and if 'you're' happy with 'me.'" To which she responded, "Why do you say that? Is it because you have some issue with a woman being your superior or taking orders from a female boss?" To which the male candidate was dumbstruck, because there was no reasonable interpretation to anything he said that would yield that conclusion. It was some thought she had "in HER mind," and she just "projected" it onto whatever he said. He didn't feel comfortable calling back, and he thought he would be cute by trying to make a case out of it to bring it to "her superiors' attention." The "cause" of that whole situation was lack of "self awareness" and "social awareness."

    • Try to grab a $10 or $20 copy of the book called "Emotional Intelligence 2.0" Self-awareness, as the name obviously suggests, is our own ability to be aware of how we appear and come off to others. It's incredibly difficult, and research suggests that the pre-frontal cortex (home to the "ego") is the biggest enemy of self-awareness, because it filters everything through a lens that's "most favorable to ourselves." But those of us who can resist the automatic self-serving filter of our ego can achieve greater "likeability" or at least "visibility" into how others perceive us. Next, "social awareness" is the ability to understand other people, again, not based on how "WE WANT THEM TO BE," but rather, "HOW THEY REALLY ARE, how THEY really think, and how THEY really feel." The pre-frontal cortex strikes again, because our impulse to want to "control" and "manage" the world around us extends to "people" as well, to the point where we "demand" they "feel or think" as we want them to!

  • Look at what traits the guys you've been with have shared. Other than being assholes, I mean. Are they aggressive? Do they go to bars or clubs a lot? What about drinking habits? Are they pretty competitive? Do they show off to other people? Do they focus on you when the two of you enter a room? Do they go shopping with you? Do they suggest things you should do, or do they tell you exactly what to do?

    Figure out what your current comfort zone is, and look beyond that. Right now, your preference is for guys who are frequently assholes.

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  • If you keep hooking nothing but assholes, maybe it's time you change your bait.

    How you dress, act, talk, everything you do plays a part in who you attract.

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    • I don't wear slutty clothing, I don't throw myself at men. I'm a jeans and t - shirt girl. I think my problem is that I'm looking so hard for attention that I'll take it in any form good or bad. It's sad really

  • Would you be happier if you attracted men who had no interest in sex?
    They say about 3% - 4% of unmarried men are asexual, and have absolutely no interest.

    Working with the internet could make things difficult. You don't have much choice on who you attract on the internet. It's then up to you to weed them out, after you get a message. Don't blame the sex for him not talking to you afterward. It would have happened anyway, sex or no sex.

    You can easily be more approachable in real life. In real life, you have a choice of who you want to attract. It mainly starts of with eye contact and body language. If you won't look into someones's eyes at least long enough to see what colour eyes the have, you will appear unfriendly and closed off. During conversation, keep the eye contact to 60% - 75% of the time. Read this, if you can get your hands on a copy.
    www.amazon.com/Superdate-Tracey-Cox/dp/0756607558
    This is good, too.
    cdn.preterhuman.net/.../...20Love%20with%20You.PDF

    At your age, you should remember that over 95% of men aren't virgins. Most have a healthy sex drive and they're not afraid of sex. That doesn't mean the only thing they want is sex. They eat too, but they don't only want food.
    There should be some other common interests and attraction, because you need to feel comfortable with that person for the other 20+ hours of the day

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  • dating sites are 95% socially inept boys looking for hookups or married men looking for hookups. If you are looking for a date, there is a whole lot of b. s. you are going to have to sift through first.

    look to your friends. If you have any male friends, they are likely to be the nice guys in your life. Try to start out as friends with a guy. That's the standard method once a girl decides she wants a nice guy, anyway..

    Also, I didn't know it was even possible to actually find hookups on dating sites! You've given me new hope :-P

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  • Start out friends first and hold off on taking them to bed. Me personally, I recommend waiting for a commitment to happen before anything in the bedroom happens. Instead, Start out friends first. This way you don't get any false fronts. They must EARN the right to be with you. Same thing for us guys. We have to make the ones we want earn it. This builds mutual respect.

    If they want to score and show no desire for a relationship, They will bail and find an easier score. The trash takes itself out under the right conditions. Good luck.

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  • Are you really hoping to find men who don't want sex, or are you hoping to find men who want sex and a relationship, or are you looking for men who only have sex inside a relationship?

    Different things.

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  • I would say that you are looking at the wrong places. Online is generally full if horny, desperate people, though there are some exceptions.

    I would recommend you to go to stuff that interests you, like hobbies or something. You're more likely to meet someone who is compatible with you if you spend more time around places you have a hobby or interest in.

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  • Quit doing stupid shit, then. The second he said "I'm going to get too drunk on this date, Let's get a hotel room" you should KNOW he wanted to bang. You just went along with it.

    And you say guys around you aren't interested. It really sounds like you have a low self esteem so you put out quickly to try to make these guys love you.

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    • You are absolutely right! But how do I change this behavior?

    • Be smarter. Instead of going for the hotel idea, take a cab. Don't put yourself in those situations

  • The best place I can think of for meeting people is at social sporting events.
    I have played tag rugby, soccer, and tennis, (men and women on the same team btw) these were just purely social and a bit of fun, they were in no way competitive, you didn't need to be sporty or anything. Subs were rotated in and out regardless of ability and nobody cared if you could run or not, we use to go up to the bar during and after the events for a few. There was always some few who went out afterwords, best way I ever got to know people, you get a great idea of what the person is like in these situations, you just have to be brave enough to open your mouth! I not like people were going to to try and find girls/guys but it is definitely a good possibility.
    Oh and if you look intimidating why dont you just approach the man instead of you waiting for him to approach you. It dosnt always have to be the man

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  • Just make them wait, wait, wait, wait then Wait some more. The ones that just want sex won't be able to wait it out. The ones that want you will not care about sex as long as you're with them they will be happy. Good luck

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  • Even if you did manage to meet a ''decent guy'' guy chances are you'll get bored with him and dump him for the a hole. I'm not trying to be rude but I hear girls say this all the time I want a decent BF no more A holes and a week or a month later their with the A hole.

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  • You just found him.

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What Girls Said 4

  • you say guys in real life don't talk to you...

    my first thought is "what do you look like?"

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  • "I keep telling myself if I stop looking the right guy will come around but I'm so afraid that he wont. I don't know what to do. I've spent the last 3 days beating myself up about this."

    That's your problem right there. Stop worrying so much about finding a guy, that's how you end up wasting your time with guys who aren't worth it. Just enjoy your life on your own and when you come across a guy that you're really interested in then pursue it but carefully. Don't guzzle down too many drinks and wind up in another hotel room. Keep your wits about you.

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  • This sounds like the same question that was asked yesterday from a girl in the 30 to 35 range with a pic of yourself, why ask the same question again?

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  • My question is... If you are so desperate for a nice guy... are YOU trying to find him or only letting the guys come to you? Most nice guys that will really love you for you are very shy until they are comfortable around you. Rather than waiting for guys to approach you (which are usually the forward, I want sex, bad boy types)... YOU should start approaching the shy quiet nice guys.

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