Girlfriend or Future Wife?

What is the most easiest and most tactful way to find out whether a guy is looking for a girlfriend or future wife? I hesitate to ask outright too soon for fear of scaring a guy off, but don't want to invest too much if our goals for the future do not match. If your response is to ask outright, when is the right time to ask, and how should I word it? Thanks.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Is there a possibility of accepting the answer, "You never really KNOW until it either actually happens, or actually never happens"?

    Is there some likelihood of accepting that even he doesn't even know until it actually happens, or doesn't actually happen?

    Or, do you prefer the notion that things in life are always within your control to some degree, and are predictable with just enough certainty to pacify your anxiety?

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    • Yes, I realize that sometimes "it depends." I think the first answer you suggest is a "maybe" and that's fine. And, yes, sometimes we don't know until it actually happens, if it ever does. However, it seems, particularly among those of us over 30, that some people (especially men) have made up their minds as to whether they wish to remain single. IF that is the case, then I want to know asap. Personally, I think they should add that information to dating sites. My question is how to tactfully find out whether a man I'm dating has made up his mind, because most seem to want to shack up, which is not something I could do even if I wanted to (which I don't) because I have a teenage daughter. Some guys seem to think the 3 of us could live together (without any marriage license)!

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    • As for me, and men like me in my generation, if your net earnings and net earnings growth potential (for the man) is substantially and disproportionately higher than that of the female partner, then married doesn't make sense for the man. Why would I ever agree to be someone's insurer, or to let them enjoy the benefits of me busting my @ss if we're no longer together? For as long as we're together, we can both enjoy the benefits each of us brings to the table. If we're no longer together, neither one of us enjoys the benefits the other has to offer. It's a voluntary relationship. We can cohabitate, we can voluntarily elect to be sexually faithful, we can voluntarily live our lives exclusively together... all without a marriage contract. I, of course, understand why women are usually the biggest advocates for marriage, because it's in their economic interest to do so.

    • The appropriate "test" to see where a man is mentally on the issue of marriage (i. e., whether he has the foresight to think about his potential legal and financial risk and liability, and the bargaining and negotiation dynamic this will create in the relationship, and why a woman would even "really" ask him for marriage, especially at this stage in her life). That's why the key is a "neutrally framed" question. If you frame it as, "Are you one of those guys that is against marriage?" or "Do you have any issues with marriage?" create a desire to keep the peace and give you an answer that will appease you as opposed to one that's honest (which is not really useful to you). "How do you feel about marriage?" comes off the wrong way; "Are you asking me whether I would marry you? Are you proposing?" Just find out and either tell him nicely to get lost, or start working him and getting him sucked in and voluntarily willing to sign his name on the marriage contract.

What Guys Said 1

  • Can you say something along the lines of "So, where do you see yourself in 5 years" ? I know it sounds like a cheesy interview question, but that's about the only way to ask without asking.

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    • I've never asked that question specifically.. What do I do if a guy says he wants a female to share his life with, or a companion? Often guys want a steady girlfriend or someone to live with. I hate to have to come right out and use the words "wife" or "marriage" but I don't want to waste months or years on different goals either. Thanks!

What Girls Said 1

  • I would ask him at dinner while on a date. It's just talking and finding out if you're really compatible together, or better off as just friends. You can open it up by suggesting that you play a simple game of : Getting to know you. You play by alternating asking questions.

    You start out by asking simple things like:
    What's your favorite color? Where would you most like to live, realistically?
    Then go into questions like:
    What's your dream job/career?
    Are you the "marriage type" or the "eternal Bachelor"?

    It's fun, it's lighthearted and you honestly do get to know a lot about one another. Just don't forget to throw in some fun questions when you start to get serious. Unless he wants to be serious, then go right on ahead. A successful game ends in a long conversation, whether silly or serious is not important. The point is to get to know each other and have a good time doing so.

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