My boyfriend is defensive that he is poor?

First of all I don't care. I'm not with him for the money I love him for him. He gets very angry at me whenever I offer to pay for dinner or something because he says he's not poor even though he is at college with no job and he only has a single mom that gets money from the government. I come from a rich family and I think that makes him angry but I can't help where I come from :(

I dont know how to approach this, I told him I didn't mean anthing bad by it but he gets so angry whenever something like wealth comes up in conversation. He is a perfect boyfriend aside from this what do I do?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Backstory can be everything. I grew up in a family of four, living on about 11-14,000 a year, too "proud" to resort to aid or food stamps, etc, with something like 40,000 in high-interest debt.

    I've been comfortably on my own, with savings, for over 6 years, my family has "bootstrapped" themselves into the lower middle class.

    But, I still am so intensely sensitive about being given things, especially food. It makes no sense, and it's to the point where people think I am offended by them, somehow, at times.

    The other day, a coworker brought me small gift, and I suddenly got all quiet, and flighty, and kept changing the subject, and managed to avoid ever accepting the gift. I think I hurt his feelings quite a bit, and even at the time I knew I was being a prat. But it's a hard habit to break.

    I think it's one of those things, if you didn't grow up with food being something that was a real, day to day concern, you probably won't ever get. I mean, hearing your mom say "I'm really sorry kids, but we can't afford fruit this week, it's rice and beans and potatoes again" for the nth week running, is not really the same as, no, you can't go to that party. It's an emotional, frightening thing, for a kid, and it can last into adulthood, even when it shouldn't.

    To put it in perspective.

    I come from a pretty poor area in a pretty poor state, but one of my friends growing up was firmly middle class. His dad was a town manager, and he got things like an x-box, or a new bike for birthdays and christmas, etc. A lot of the other kids gave him shit about it, "rich kid," "spoiled" etc. And he was, true, but he was and is a really, really nice person. One day he just cracked, and jumped up in the middle of the high school cafeteria screaming.

    Wealth and Poverty. The key is communication.

    Talk to him about it!

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    • This was enlightening reading for a spoilt brat like me. Thanks :)

    • very helpful thank you

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What Guys Said 9

  • If you don't want these things. Plan a date with him that requires no money like goingto the park, the beach, cooking dinner at home etc. Then aafterwards let him know that you had a wonderful night with him. Let him know you like that more than flashy and showy things. He might be doing that to impress you. Make sure he feels safe and loved for him. You say you love him for Jim but make sure he knows that. Deep conversations are always good. ASupporting his aspirations and making him feel the two of you are a team is good.

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  • I think this is a man's dignity, especially on money. Sometimes you can explain and convince him: a man without money nothing, if there is no one to make money ambition that is finished. You can encourage him to find work, he can also be encouraged to learn some skills even you pay, you have to let him feel you are rich in helping him is love him, let him think you stand in a line, don't let him feel your money is in the insult his poverty. In China there is an old saying: behind every successful man, there is a great woman. Your boyfriend is so perfect, he just couldn't face yourself poor this shortcoming, then you have to try to change his this kind of idea, let him right in the face of his poverty, and through the present situation of the need to change yourself. University is a best time to exercise myself, you can try to encourage him to start a business, I remember in the United States is much easier than in China. You struggle together, to earn the money that is belong to you two together, then he could think of poor and rich is not a big deal.

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  • He doesn't wanna be a burden to u and honestly he truly appreciates what ur trying to help him with. He wanna show u dat he can handle things himself but in reality, he really wants the help he can get. he's afraid dat u might think negatively of him and will eventually dump him if he can't even take care of his own thing so dats why he wanna do it with his own two hands..

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    • According to society, we have to do everything for the woman we luv and if we cant, we dont consider ourself a man or it'll make us look bad if we can't treat a woman to a very HAWT date so i guess he juz wanna prove it to u.. its almost embarrassing to let the woman treat us man on dates >.>

  • Just offer to split the cost of things and never force him into doing expensive stuff. Perhaps also make a point of deriding expensive stuff in front of him and not fawning over rich men or expensive things. If you do want to pay for something for him like taking him on holiday then I'd just come up with some story that won't harm his ego - like you won the tickets or you're staying at a hotel that your parent's associates own.

    You should keep in mind that not only does he have the insecurity that he is poor but unlike him you have the option of finding a richer older man who can buy you expensive things which will make him super insecure. Being in college it's likely on his mind that you might just ditch him at in a few years when you've decided you want a house and kids and he can't give you that yet.

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  • He's probably insecure because he thinks ur gonna end up leaving him for someone richer. It's likely that he thinks he's just not good enough for you.

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  • Yes I would be mad and embarrassed too but I will feel appreciated why you did it. Whenever he treats you something, let him do the pay, just let him be the man at least.

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  • Let him pay. If it causes problems then put it to the side.

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    • im thinking of just letting him do that if it makes him more secure, i just wish he didn't feel like he had to

  • "I'm not with him for the money I love him for him"
    HAAA
    And men are in relationships for the long talks.

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  • "I'm not with him for the money I love him for him"

    You lost me here. From my own personal experience this is definitely not true.

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    • She's probably in college. Her tune will change hard and fast when she graduates.

    • exactly, any professional woman will always ask you "What do you do for a living?" Which will then decide how wet her vag gets.

What Girls Said 5

  • i'll do the same if i was him... you don't have to offer him to pay all stuffs... and enjoy simple things

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  • Stop offering to do things with him that he can't afford. I know you mean well, but it's a shitty feeling to feel as if you're indebted to someone, especially a significant other.

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    • he's doing all these things to please me that I know he can't afford, but he does it because he thinks I want it or something. If I tell him I don't, he just looks at me and says he's not poor and asks if I think he is... he's just very defensive, I've tried believe me but he insists on doing these things

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    • okay thank you for your help :)

    • Also, please don't take offense to this, but since you come from money he may not be as poor as you think he is. My best girl friend comes from a wealthy family and her idea of broke is much different from mine.

  • he is probably "prideful".. at least he is not the type who is a user. what makes it worst is that he is a guy and guys are known to be the provider. you can pay but come up with some excuses perhaps, make it look like it's just nothing idk. or tell him that it's not good to have that kind of personality, that he should learn to swallow his pride once in a while.

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  • You come off as a women who cares about money to me just by reading your question

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    • ... how? I really dont

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    • yeah i know, i dont rub it in his face, im completely separate from my parents. but he always points out how rich they are. i never bring it up...

    • You say that he is getting defensive about being poor he wouldn't need a reason to be defensive unless you mentioned something

  • Pay for your share. He can't be mad at that.

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