How long do I wait?

I've been talking to this guy for 4 months now but things are kind of on hold because he says that he needs to figure some things out before he can have something with someone else. Things were fine for the first 3 months, month 4 was when he had this realization (no its not another female) and that it really has nothing to do with me. I asked him if he just wanted me to leave him alone while he does this and he said that's a hard question and that he really doesn't know. He said "Honestly, I am still in the middle of figuring me out but I really do like "this". I enjoy talking to you, spending time with you, laughing with you, etc... So I really can't say". That left me feeling confused. I don't know how long this will take and I'm sure he doesn't know either. So how long should I wait? Things are great between us when we speak and hang out.. its just this "space" thing that's getting to me. I'm trying to have a "If I hear from him, I hear from him" attitude but its hard. I really do like him but I don't want to wait for nothing. There is no guarantee that when this is over (however long that takes) he'll want me.

Updates:
Thanks everyone for your input, I really appreciate it. Shout out to all the people who said to move on, that's what I'm going to do.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • These kind of 'situationships' end in nothing but heart break, I have been there before and trust me it is better to get out now rather then be faced being in this longer and him tell you he doesn't want commitment. He seems like the type of guy that is happy with whats going on with no strings attached, he likes that he has his own freedom but also has you there dangling. Not saying that he doesn't genuinely enjoy your company but he has no plans for your future together, don't be his call girl when everything is convenient to him. Go out and do things for you, love yourself before anyone else can love you because right now your putting his needs before your own and your holding onto the idea of what might be. You're not showing yourself any self respect or self love by waiting to hear from him, constantly worrying what might happen with him and putting yourself through unnecessary stress and heart break. Cut this guy loose and it will be easier to move on from him if you cut contact.

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What Guys Said 19

  • So this is how it works. Most of the times we think about relationships, we imagine a relationship with a person who is in total awe of us. The truth is that even while men are in a relationship, someone who is pretty and more 'our kind of girl' will cross our paths and this is when men feel trapped if they are committed. However, if a guy really is in love with a girl, he will let that thought go, will feel guilty for a min and gather his thoughts back to think about the girl he actually loves. And even when years have passed by being committed, men do feel attracted to other girls and that's how we have been designed by nature. But I will say this again, men will always come around to the girl they love and never act on them liking any other girl.

    As far as answering your question goes. I suggest you hang on to him since he is treating you as a really good friend right now. Once you are past that barrier and he is sure that he won't be hurting you if this doesn't workout, you two can give your relationship a try. Meanwhile , if you find someone else, do not hold yourself back. Seeing you with someone else can either make him hit the rock bottom and realize he loves you or make him realize that he doesn't. You can gauge his reaction and then proceed with what you want instead of concentrating on what he wants...

    Take care and best wishes :)

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    • You have a really good advice here! ;)

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    • tbh i dont think its realistic. i would not like to think he feels that way bc i dont believe it happens-beyond the beginning when hormones are running crazy- which would mean for me to think so id have to be delusional. and id rather not be delusional :)

      in a rellationship i like knowing we are attracted to each other and respect each other and both freely choose to be there. i tend to avoid comparing how he feels about vs his nom his sister his best friend his good cousin his w/e relatives...

      I'm not a jealous person and he has a right to have as many close relations as he wishes.

      i think a person can like moire than one person immensely without it taking away.. people have a lot of room to love. just bc they love others as much doesn't mean its the same thing.

      anyhow no. i wouldn't want to think I'm the most adored bc its artificial and too stressful trying to hold onto.

    • That's what I meant :)
      If one thinks that one can be the center of an individual's universe, that's impossible.

      Both of us mean to say the same thing in a different manner.

  • From what I can gather, he is interested in you, and likely if he works through his stuff, you two can be together. Unfortunately, that's sort of beside the point. Your relationship shows potential, but you have the same potential with literally millions of other guys, you are just more aware of this particular one. If you are not getting what you need from him then it;s time to move on. It's not fair to you for you to wait.

    Maybe one day your timing will work out, but not today.

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  • Young lady there are no such things as guarantees in life. Yes your male friend may have a very valid reason and trying to discover who he is. It's a choice if you want to wait form and wait if you want to move on and move on. You're very young and you have the rest your life to get married this is a very important aspect of your whole life so choose wisely take your time and haste makes waste.

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  • He's wasting your time. If he was into you there would be no waiting. Guys are different from women, very different. When I met my wife, I knew immediately, before I ever even spoke to her that I wanted to be with her. There was no question in my mind. If you two have known each other for a while (a few months) and he's "not sure" or "needs time to figure himself out" then either he doesn't want you and is concerned about hurting your feelings or he's flaming gay. Either way you have no chance. Your best bet is to move on and find someone who will both make you happy and not waste your time. Sorry to be the barer of bad news, but the sooner you start to think of men and women as being fundamentally different from one another the sooner you'll succeed in establishing a lasting relationship, which is I assume, what you desire. I wish you the best of luck.

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    • what do you mean plenty of women know immediately when they want someone and plenty of guys really need timer. it depends on the person, really. there's no hard fast rule based on your sex.

      thats not saying she should wait. but nor should a guy.

      if s/ he's ready or a relationship And the other s/he doesn't know. move on.

      if you're not sure and they're noir sure then its ok to wait. imo.

    • I was just wondering but when you said "When I met my wife, I knew immediately, before I ever even spoke to her that I wanted to be with her." can this apply for girls too?
      When i first saw this guy I thought he was definitely the one and I wanted to confess to him immediately.
      But I was worried that since we never spoke to each other, he would definitely reject me.
      Did your wife agree to you immediately?

    • You are so right. I waited around for my ex husband. He never wanted to fully commit or be with me. Your advice is what EVERYONE told me, and I only wish I took it instead of wasting years waiting and waiting for commitment. We were "official" but even so, he didn't do things boyfriends should do. I was always just an option and he kept me around because I was there, and because I had no self esteem or self respect to realize I was worth so much more.

  • move on before you become to attached but don't forget your feelings for him to quick because he might do the walk of shame back your way when he finds out the next one isn't as good as he imagines to be.. he's got enough respect for you to not break your heart don't take his pride.. you follow?

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    • so what if him being honest hurts her. truth is truth. its not kind if the only way to be kind is to lie thats just patronizing. getting hurt lets peoples move on. white washing is really disrespectful. its and wastes a ton of time. he dopiest care about her dignity why should she care about his. since you brought up dignity.

  • No, there is no guarantee.

    However, if he is not willing to wait until the honeymoon, he doesn't deserve you.

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  • If you can wait for a happy meal to be done correctly at McDonalds,
    If you can wait for the next mario game,
    If you can wait for a 80% discount on your favorite clothes then, yes, you can wait.

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  • " There is no guarantee that when this is over (however long that takes) he'll want me. "

    And that right there is all the reason you need to move on. If he can't make his mind up, you make it up for him.

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  • Do you know if he ever had a gf in his life?
    Because if he hasn't this seems like as he is kind of scared/running the scene.. he doesn't know what to do and the best thing ro do in a situation like that is to create distance... if he did have a relationship before his behavior is a little strange..

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  • You need to stop overthinking things. People have rough times, you could actually ask him what it is that he is trying to figure out, maybe even see if you can help him out with his journey. Just throw him a few questions regarding this "figuring out" and gauge his answers. Women, in general are very good at reading people, I have no doubt you are the same. If I were genuinely trying to figure myself out and really liked a girl but due to other circumstances I thought I wasn't ready to deliver what she needed, I would be totally honest with her and with what I am trying to figure out, without second thoughts.

    To sum it up, just gauge his answers and you will find your answer :)

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  • to me it sounds like he is trying to friend zone you instead of wanting a relationship with you.

    How long should you wait is a question of all time... lol you should wait as long as you are willing to , but once you start questioning it then it is time to move on (some people wait loner then others do)

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  • Don't put your life on hold for someone that isn't giving you what you need. Live your life the way you see fit, if he is meant to be, you will cross paths with him again in the future.

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  • Only you can answer "how long do I wait?" Sound like you want to go out and see who else is out in your area. If you're waiting, because you want him and he can't figure himself out yet, then it's a tough road and you might regret it.

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  • I think the best thing you can do is just be straight with him and say that your not happy with this situation, if he respects you he will cut ties give himself the space he wants, in the meantime you move on go out meet people enjoy life etc and then when he realises that he has been an idiot then he will come back and try to get you back and then you hold all the cards.

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  • okay, let me tell you i had been in the same situation from past one and a half year, and it really sucks. Make him feel jealous that you are not depending on him or just move on if he doesn't reacts. It hurts to get stuck in the middle. That HOWEVER LONG is like forever and later he might say that i didn't force you to hold on for me.

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  • If you're not exclusively dating, just start fooling around with other guys. No need to put your energy into a situation when it's not being reciprocated.

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  • Depends on age.

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  • as harsh as this sounds 9 times out of 10 he doesn't want to be with you. It sounds like he is trying to break off what ever you guys had in a less harsh way. Time to put your guard up and pull away, and if he really wants you he'll come back to you.

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  • Next thing he'll tell you is that he needs more space to try and get his head together.
    Dump the bum.

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What Girls Said 28

  • Many times with today's toms, they are sporadic, unpredictable And Grow cold duck feet when cornered and feel scared, due to the Big "C" in which I Call----Commitment. This bird is no exception to my golden goose rule.
    Everything was fine and dandy for the 'First 3 months,' Getting to know one another, nurturing and nursing this kind of relationship but then comes 'Month 4' down the line, and somehow something started 'Down' the beaten path of him telling you: I am still in the middle of figuring me out... However it is just a lame duck excuse to take some time for himself, some 'Space,' which he has conveniently taken, because the bottom line is, he is not into a Real relationship, is not Into being hooked at the hip, being two birds of a feather, and there is no telling How long HE may take to change his mind or If he ever will.
    He Does want you in his life, he most likely is telling you That much with all of his Joys and desires. But it would probably be on His terms, with his conditions and who Know---A friends with benefits factor. If he truly wanted a Soul mate, then he wouldn't be sweeping you under the carpet now.
    You can either sit around and wait for him to come to grips with Finding himself, which I pretty much have found out Plenty just reading between the lines here, or Begin your own Beguine again, by getting out with your friends, socializing and living, and see if he Might take you off his "I don't want to wait for nothing" list.
    Guys like him are dime a dozen today. There comes a time when they make you feel like you have egg all over your face, knowing you are waiting in the eaves, and they just keep you hanging indefinitely With-----If I call her, I call her. It's not fair to you, it's cruel and uncalled for. He is dancing in circles with you.
    It's your choice, your call. It's obvious you want More than he does and with this being said, you deserve to Have More than no 'guarantee' Until the fat lady stops singing.
    Good luck. xx

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  • Since you hang out, you can ask him to talk to you about those things that trouble him. Tell him that you care about him and you want to know what is it that has him comfused about himself. You might be able to help him through conversation. I see it all the time in this site. Many times people ask for advice, but from the way they ask they seem to know the answer and they just want a person to assure them they are right. I mean, by talking to him you might be able to make him figure out his problems, to see himself from your perspective. Do you understand what I mean? Instead of waiting him or totally giving up, help him deal with his problems.

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  • Never force anything.. if he's unsure, then don't think of waiting.. enjoy the present moment and don't expect much from him so you won't get hurt much.. maybe think of him as your bestfriend, not a lover..
    If you really love him, take the risk and don't fear of what might happen in future and see where it might lead to while he's unsure... but don't get too attached with him, get busy and enjoy your own life..
    Try also to control your emotions, its only 4 months yet.. For me, its not really that long yet.. Some emotions are temporary, so learn to balance between your heart and mind..
    Give him time and don't pressure him about your relt'p... give yourself time too and don't pressure on deciding about your feelings for him... at the same time, both of you are enjoying what is "now", don't wait or worry about future... let future worry its own.. :)

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    • they aren't enjoying anything he wants space. living in the moment is great but thats not what he's doing. he's being neurotic and making her deal with it.

      if he just said i like you but dont want anything serious FINE. everyone knows where they stand and she can take it or leave it.

      but he's randomly saying he needs a break can't see her is confused needs space.

      wanting something casual isn't confusing. wanting a del isn't confusing. he's confused and its nothing to do with her but he's dragging her into it.,

      he's not living in the moment he's just playing games and wasting everyones time bc he's not respecting her time. if he did he'd be honest.

    • How did you said they aren't enjoying anything?
      Base on what I read, she said "Things are great between us when we speak and hang out." and the guy also said "I enjoy talking to you, spending time with you, laughing with you, etc..." that means they enjoy the bonding BUT this guy is confused with his emotions while the girl is falling already.. thats why he said "Honestly, I am still in the middle of figuring me out but I really do like "this" AND "So I really can't say"... It's obvious that he is not sure of what he feels.. he might fall inlove along the way or he might fall out of it.. thats why its better to see as bestfriends, not lover.. he is honest here, he knows what he wants but he don't know what he feels yet... remember its only 4 months..
      Some men don't fall inlove too sooner, it takes time.. just relax and go with the flow, don't put pressure on both sides and don't give up right away.. its a risk.. take it or leave it..

    • @azara

  • I know this is a little cliché but... you have to make decisions based on yourself and on your own happiness. If you are not feeling okay with this situation that should give you the answer to your question. This guy needs to see that you will not be always there, waiting for him, or else he may never take things to the next level and you'll feel more sad and confused as time goes by. You need to make clear what you want, take a position and explain that to him. Explain him that you deserve the best, you deserve to be happy.

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  • I went through something similar with one of my best friends (not friends anymore). He told me he was inlove with me back in high school and confessed to me when we were in college. We tried to give it a shot but the timing felt off for him and he wasn't in the right stage in his life to focus on a relationship so we broke it off and gave each other "space". I said I would wait but he told me he didn't expect me to. After a couple months of not talking I tried to talk to him again to see if we could even go back to friends but he brushed me off and ignored me which hurt my feelings. After another couple months my roommates told me I should move on and set me up with a guy they knew who had been crushing on me for a little while. I started dating him maybe 1-2 months in when the previous guy contacted me, asking to have me back if I just wait a little bit more but I was happy with the guy I was dating and I was done waiting around for him. Although a little bit of me felt bad for not waiting, I just couldn't wait any longer for something that might not happen while missing my chances with another guy who is willing to be there when I need him to be.

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  • if you guys were enjoying each day without a care for tomorrow i could see the point. carpe diem and all that... thats not this.

    you guys aren't enjoying anything he wants space. living in the moment is great but thats not what he's doing. he's being neurotic and making you deal with it.

    if he just said i like you but dont want anything serious FINE. everyone knows where they stand and she can take it or leave it.

    he's randomly saying he needs a break can't see you is confused needs space.

    wanting something casual isn't confusing. wanting a relationship isn't confusing. wanting space iasnt confusing. you do or you dont. you dont go back and forth wasting other peoples time-if you're not an immature brat anyhow.

    he's confused and its nothing to do with you but he's dragging you into it.,

    he's not living in the moment he's just playing games and wasting everyones time bc he's not respecting your time. if he did he'd be honest.

    quite worrying about what he's thinking feeling or doing. you're not in a relationship so outs not your responsibility.

    figure out what YOU want and on what time schedule you want it. tell him and if he can't hang walk on.,

    you're putting wary too much emphasis on him and forgetting your self... in the process missing out on people who will like you clearly without confusion.

    decide what you want FROM him. tell him and hold that position. not how long you'll wait around FOR him... bc thats completely inert and has nothing to do with moving foreword with YOUR life. you rte not living his life., you're living yours. worry ablaut what you want not what he wants.

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  • Ultimately it really is up to you, but speaking from experience, I would say wait until you start feeling like a bit of an idiot for waiting! When you start feeling stupid, and a bit embarrassed about moping around waiting for him, you should try to move on, because a guy shouldn't make you feel stupid - no one's worth that.

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  • He is genuinely confused, he has told you as much. Since you are still communicating I would continue, it it is important to you. Don't presure him, but try to get him to tell you what it is that's bothering him so much that he can't seize the opportunity you have placed before him. Come right out and tell him you want tro try to help him through this. If he is that important to you take the chance.

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  • It sounds to me like he doesn't " want " a relationship or anything serious with you or anyone at this minute.

    To me, this "problem" sounds more like an excuse, an escape tactic, to just keep you interested enough to keep you there, for however time he needs to.

    I wouldn't even consider this a "friend zone" thing, he is just being to iffy about everything without putting any effort to whatever he has with you but asks you more than his share.

    It's time to re-evaluate his behavior, is not about what he says, is about what he does.

    It's your choice, good luck.

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  • Like you said, you have no idea how long that's going to take for him to figure out if he wants you. If he wanted you, then there would be no issue or no waiting. He'd tell you straight up. Move on, I think he's wasting your time thinking you'll wait. I sure wouldn't! That if he'll call attitude can make you go crazy but don't let it get to you and you sure shouldn't have to be waiting to see if he'll get in contact with you! I know how you feel and it'll be hard to move on but you'll go forward. I'm sure you'll find someone who will give you their time and day and not put how they feel about you on hold. If you know what you want, go forward with your life.

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  • You like him, then wait until you don't want to wait anymore. Simple as that. But live your life too. If there's another guy that catches your eye, and you want to pursue it, don't turn it down because you're waiting for something that may not be worth the wait.

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  • I'm in a similar situation but I'm logically thinking it's not going to work. I'm literally nit picking at what I don't like about the guy. Don't ever wait around for anyone. It shouldn't be like that. My life is priority, not some other guys over mine. If he can't make up his mind right now, maybe it isn't meant to be? To me it's simple, yes or no. if it's not yes, it's a no, move on to someone who doesn't take a million years to make a decision

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  • Okay, this is where tough "love" with yourself has to come into play, you are going to have to discipline yourself and not call him and things of that nature unless he calls you. I think that this relationship needs to be or feel like its on his terms and not yours. If you can be okay with that for a while, then there you go. What works for me, I would delete his number out of your phone and all of his messages, so you are not tempted to call. The key is to keep erasing, even when he calls, do not keep his number in your phone :) If you do this, he WILL come around. I've had a proposal from a man who didn't even want to ever get married just from doing this method lol..

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  • Don't wait for him, babygirl. When we really, really want something to work, you and I as humans in general, don't we find way?

    Tell him it was fun while it lasted, but that while he might not now what he wants, you do. And then tell him what that is. For instance, you want a man who will love and respect you, body, mind, soul, and time darling because we're only allotted so much.

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  • To me it sounds like he's enjoying the attention you give him, but not enough to actually want to commit. He's putting you on the back burner until he finds someone else. If I were you, I wouldn't waste my time on him.

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  • Sometimes these question sites are not good for you because it messes with your head. Every one handles situations diff some also handle them negatively. From the information that I gathered from what you said sounds to me exactly what he told you. As women we tend to think to deep into things that men say to us. In your case he told you exactly how he feels, but because your feelings are so into him you tend to over think what he said. It could be the truth. He's in the middle of figuring himself out. He doesn't want a relationship. Now to say with you that is something you may have to either one wait to see or two ask him. Now with waiting for him it's your option if so make sure you do it correctly. Obviously your feelings are stronger than his. But that's OK your human, only continue to deal with him if you can control your feelings, enjoy yourself.

    You two want different things obviously, so since your not ready to delete him out of your life as of yet deal with him as you and him are only as friends because this is what he wants. Eventually he will see your ways are different and he will began to question them. Remember men like the attention, they like to feel wanted. Also they like to chase, so have your guard up. Let other guys in, not sexual but date other guys. Once you start to deal with someone that can keep your mind off of him you would know what decision to make

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    • Remember guys say exactly how they feel, now of he doesn't talk thats when you question it

  • Why are you waiting and wasting another minute on this guy? when a guy needs ANY time to figure ANYTHING out, that's when you should run in the other direction. Not keep waiting and hoping and trying and taking excuses

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  • If he's being this wishy-washy just start dating someone else. It may push him out of his rut and make him realize what he wants. If not, at least you aren't wasting your time on someone who isn't about letting you know what's up.

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  • In my opinion, I wouldn't wait. One thing my mom has taught me is to never wait around. Go out, do what you want to do, and have fun. He has been going through something for 4 months now, and I think that is a lot of time to weigh things and figure out what he wants (relationship wise).
    For now, be there for him, with whatever, and if he decides that y'all can't be in a relationship, then let him decide that. If part of finding himself out has to do with what he wants to do (job/future wise) then let him try to figure that out. Sometimes you don't want to rush into things without knowing what your foundation is.

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  • he is lying. just want to both of you

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  • You... don't. Is it about getting married or having a relationship? Either way, he doesn't sound like he's into it in the near future.

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  • No contact is the kill shot. If you cut off all contact, it will force him to reevaluate his position. You will effectively make him decide without having to give him an ultimatum.

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  • If I was you, I wouldn't wait for him. It sounds like he's got something going on in his life, which he doesn't want you to know of. I'm not saying you should go out date someone new immediately, but keep your options.

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  • I've sorta gone through the same thing.. He's obviously not on the same page you're on. Just move on, he isn't worth your time. If you wait around for him, you're just gonna end of hurt.

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  • He likes you but he dont want to get into a commitment thing.. This means he is not serious about you.

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  • i would move on

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  • Don't wait at all. If this guy was really into you that other stuff wouldn't matter. Don't let him jerk you around girl! Move on to the next!

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  • A few days is best.

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