When is it okay to ask a guy the whole "what are we?" question? and how do you phrase it without sounding needy and aggressive?

I've been seeing a guy who I ended things with months ago because he wasn't ready to commit, yet got incredibly angry when he saw me kiss another guy. I was really mad, and ignored his calls when he tried getting in touch again after about 6 months. I finally gave in and answered and we've hung out and it's been great. the first time we hung out I made it clear I wasn't ready to have sex with him, and he was more than ok with that. we've only done date-like activities like him taking me out to dinner, and we did have sex the second time we hung out. I feel like he really genuinely missed me and really cares for me, but he's really busy. he's in two bands and works a full time job right now also. he's been making time for me, obviously, but I'm a little frustrated by the lack of time. I really don't think he notices it as a big deal, so I guess maybe it's something I should mention. things went bad before for a very clear reason, we both wanted different things, so I just don't know why he would try so hard to get back in touch with me and see me if he wasn't ready to at least try to give me what I want, to at least move in that direction. we have an amazing time together, but I'm confused about his intentions, so I asked him, and he said they were good, but I guess that could mean a lot of things? he is incredibly attentive to me when we talk, remembers so many things that I even forgot that I told him etc, he makes me feel very cared about, but I want more and I just can't tell if he does.

  • if he's trying this again he probably wants more
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  • he's just trying to see how far he can push you
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I think he's really messed up about how badly his first ever and very long term relationship ended, but i don't know how to show him that relationships don't have to be like a ball and chain

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I'd say ensure you're exclusive first, and worry about commitment and intentions later.

    Just say, "I want you to know I'm not seeing anyone else" and hopefully he will say the same. From there, spend time together and see where it goes.

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    • So we've only seen each other there times so far, I feel like it might be a little too soon? ahhh I don't know I just don't want this to get all messed up again I just wish he'd bring it up himself or something but i know guys rarely do

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    • if he wants to give me a sense of hope that's probably good, right? He's not the asshole type to string me along, he was very upfront before.

    • I guess go with your instincts :)

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What Girls Said 2

  • OMG are you a second copy of me? Because my situation is EXACTLY like yours!!! Everything were amazing until we stop contacting each other a few months ago. A few months back then he tried to contact me again and we're acting like a couple now, but we're not exclusive. I don't know what he want to sometimes I'm just so tempting to ask "what are we?", but then I think if he really likes me that way and that much, he would be asking that first. Or else, he just wants to mess around.

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    • yeah it would be really nice to have him bring it up first but I feel like guys don't usually do that in general

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    • I mean if he likes you, he should be asking you out ain't it?

      Because we never have "the talk". He said he's only seeing me but I don't think we're gf/bf so he can lie you know.

    • I mean we've been on what I would consider dates, he's taken me out to dinner and whatever, I know guys can always lie but that reeeeeally depends on the guy and in the past he has been honest.

  • You say you want more, but what does more mean to you , be more specific abot more?

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    • well ultimately I want a relationship, I don't want to just jump into one obviously because I know he has hang ups and I want to maintain my independence, but I guess I'm just trying to figure out if he can commit to more... like seeing me more often, checking up just to say hi, stuff like that, I just don't want to sound needy and that's hard

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