How can you turn this into a real relationship?

The guy I like and I have had sex quite a few times, but that's all it was, was friends with benefits type of sex. He's obviously physically attracted to me, he and I get along well, we hang out a lot, but I'm not sure how to go about upgrading what we are. How can I turn this into something more?

Updates:
Just to clear this up a little more, he told our mutual friend that he likes me but he's not entirely sure if he wants to date me. So I'm not just in a complete friends with benefits zone with him.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • sometimes things go by itself, having sex with someone is the ultimate way of bonding, i know a lot of people say, its just sex. Do you perform sex with just any random person? i dont, there are certainly emotions involved when you have sex with someone. So try to do fun stuff, sleep together, go to an amusement parc, buy stuff for each other without overdoing it. Do BF / GF stuff maybe he is in for it, and you bound naturall and you can pop the question. I believe in a natural cause..

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What Guys Said 20

  • At this point, all you can do is be honest with him about what you want. But you need to temper your expectations, because there is a strong likelihood that he's not going to want a relationship, especially now.

    Having sex with a guy before you are in a relationship with him is usually the best way to ensure you NEVER get a relationship with him. From the perspective of the majority of guys, if he already gets to have sex with you without any commitment, expectations, or restrictions, then he is in the ideal situation, and a relationship only means he doesn't get many/any additional benefits (from his perspective), but he now has a lot of additional obligations and limitations on his actions and behavior. As the saying goes, why buy (and then have to take care of) the cow if you're already getting the milk for free?

    You also need to consider this: a huge number of guys in your age group are simply not interested in the commitment that comes with a relationship, PERIOD, regardless of who it is. They are in their "wild and free" days. More than half the guys you meet will be this way at this age. And even if he's in the minority of guys that age who ARE interested in a relationship, you still have given him most (or all) of the benefits he cares about without any of the liabilities, and how you want him to agree to the liabilities after-the-fact. Even many "relationship guys", who WOULD have said "yes" to a relationship in the beginning, will not want to change their current "better deal."

    Girls need to learn that if all they want is FWB, they can sleep with whoever they want, but if they want a RELATIONSHIP, then they need to not give the guy sex until they get the relationship FIRST, and have been in it a little while. Otherwise, the leverage they need to get many guys to accept a relationship is already gone.

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    • A person who wants a real relationship is not going to be satisfied by a fwb. and a person who just wants sex is not going to want a relationship just bc you throw sex into the minx.

      if a person ( a lot of women just want sex when they are young) wants a relationship sex won't deter him. and if he doesn't sex won't change that.

      having sex quickly- only if you want to of course- is a great way off seeing what you're getting into.

      plus you'll know if you're sexually compatible. if s/ he bolts or the sex sucks its best to have found out quickly. if there's chemistry and s/ he sticks around he wasn't just after sex.

      of course some people may stick around just for sex and pretend they wants a relationship but thats your depiction of ANY regular guy anyhow. thats supposedly the best a woman can expect from a guy. to tolerate a relationship in exchange for sex. so that possibility does not detract from my argument. and the odds are still in the persons favor to found out quickly.

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    • "A person who wants a real relationship is not going to be satisfied by a fwb."

      The thing is, most "relationship guys" WOULD be satisfied with a FWB. They'd be happy with a relationship too, don't get me wrong, but for most guys, if they have a FWB, they lose interest in turning THAT relationship into a committed relationship.

      You can disagree all you like, but I'm a guy, and I've talked to many hundreds of guys about relationships (since high school, I've been a person that others come to for relationship advice), and I know how guys think and operate. IMO, if you disagree, you're in denial.

      Men THINK and ACT *differently* than women do, and prioritize different things. Until you can understand and accept that, you'll have lots of trouble with relationships.

    • Not trying to fixate on age, but I find it interesting that most of the views of the 30+ crowd here are more aligned with the reality of situations like this, while a good portion of the younger, less experienced ones, are all in lala land about how these things work/how men/women function differently. I thought that situations like this were no big deal when I was in my early/mid 20s. I think everyone idealizes stuff like this. But by the time you hit your 30s, it's like holy crap. You learned a lot, know that a lot of the misconceptions that have been floating around for ages are still going around as if they were truth are pure bs.

      Does the OP need to talk to this guy about it? Absolutely. But like I said before, I doubt she's going to get the outcome that she wants. The fact that she's here, trying to figure out how to change this situation to a legit relationship says a lot about her and where she stands.

  • The best thing, in my opinion, is to just be honest. First, like any relationship, you should see if he's open to the idea of a relationship, unless that information was already established at the beginning. Just because you two are having sex ( we're adults here, no need to be discrete about the subject of sex, right?) doesn't technically mean that he wants a relationship, but it also doesn't mean that he won't change his mind. Now, from the assumption that you know about he's feeling towards having relationships, you should acknowledge those feeling. Express to him that you no intention to change his feelings or that your trying to persuade him to change. Be honest and explain to him that your feelings have change and that you want more than "just being friends." Prepare yourself for the response, like I said before, there's a chance that he doesn't want a relationship. Just remember to be fair and honest with your feelings towards him and be prepared for any outcome. I know this is probably more information than you wanted and I apologize for that. I hope he accepts your feeling and that things work out between you two. I also hope this is at least somewhat helpful, good luck!

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    • i dont think it was too much info. it was the perfect amount. and you sue everything precisely as -imo- it should be said. without going over board on either wend. good job:)

    • Thank you, I do hope that things work out to your favor.

  • By talking with him about it. you have to first find out if that's what he wants, and until you talk sit him down to him about it and tell him how you feel. You both won't be able to understand what you are both think of each other emotionally unless you talk about it simple as that. It may be difficult to just be direct do to nerves what if he says no, what if he doesn't like you any more, or doesn't want to have sex anymore. the reality is that it doesn't have to be so awkward just sit him down and tell him how you feel and tell him if he doesn't feel the same that's fine you can stay friends and doing the same as you are now with no change. That being said you should also say if he says no that your okay with it, but if things change latter that he should just be open about it with you so you can both decide. By saying both of those things you make him feel secure, and you give yourself a little breathing room; plus you leave room for the future just in case he should change his mind. Remember if he says yes nothing to worry about, but if no then the purpose of what i told you is just so you can deal with things easier and allow you to have the ability to handle or cushion any emotional impact which can be sometimes an unexpected thing even for the person doing it; some times just doing things the right way can be a big help in situations like this. Well I hope my words can help you and can be understood. I wish you luck.

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  • Tell him that you want him to bring you out on a date. A date doesn't have to be stressful for him. A date can be fun, like a concert together or going to a basketball game or something like that. Go on a date that you know both of you will enjoy. It doesn't necessarily have to be a traditional dinner date at a nice restuarant, although those can be fun too though.

    If thought of taking away sex from him makes him disappear, then you know why he was doing it in the first place. If you guys do fun things together, and tell him you like him, I'm sure he'll come around!

    Respond to my post please!
    girlsaskguys. com/dating/q1192553-if-your-gf-bf-told-you-its-easier-to-ask-for-forgiveness-than-for

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  • Since it's a friends with benefits situation you have to go into the sit-down (probably gonna be the only way to go about this) with the right mind-set. You went into this supposing no strings. But if you keep on going with strings (on your end) your feelings are only gonna end up hurt more.

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  • no fly zone sweet hart you kida fucked the pooch on that one. (no pun intended) it is highly unlikely that he will tern that in to a relationship for 2 resins 1 if he already gets lade and he gets to hang out with you why would he give up his freedom for something he already has. 2 if he knows he can have you with no strings thin he also knows its possible for other dudes to do the same. now im not saying its impossible but its highly unlikely and a vary bad spot to build a good functioning relationship from

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  • You can be open and honest with him. Doing anything else is unhealthy for you or him or both of you. Don't try to change him or manipulate him or suffer in silence.

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    • @ Don't try to change him or manipulate him or suffer in silence.

      Agreed.

  • Well... I had a beneficial friend. Things got more serious that she wanted to meet my family. she even went out of her way to even take my grandma out for lunch.

    And she also stocked up my fridge...

    Gotta marry her after all that ^^b

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  • Flirt with him, dress sexy, always keep your best personality on around him, etc.

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  • Talk to him more? Make yourself sound interesting, and make him feel interesting by asking him questions about himself?

    Make him laugh. Have fun. Spend more time together.

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  • honestly anything can happen. me and my recent ex was friends with benefits at first but it turned into a relationship a couple months later. we had an on and off relationship but we were together for a year until she moved. just believe i it and it may happen

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  • no sex. dates instead of sex

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  • Ask him, but if he was into you he would have said something first.

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  • just be honest...

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  • date a new guy and try to find if your friend with benefits feels jealous about it.. if he does then you can think about further steps..

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    • Not really fear to the new guy, unless she tells him her plans. xD

  • communication <-- tell him you want more and if he doesn't then move on

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  • Just try to talk it out..!

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  • Just tell him that your parents looking a guy for marriage. Hear his answer

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  • The relationship goes anything because you had sex very early.

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  • You can't... trying will mean destroying everything

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    • What do you mean? It's more torturous for me to just sit around being nothing more than just a girl he can occasionally sleep with.

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    • ... if she loses it all by communicating honestly, he's a crappy friend and he was never going to be a bf and its better off lost.

    • seems like she values the friendship @Azara. what you say is what i would say too but she has to wager 1 vs 2. she can either get one decision, or lose both a friend and the sex... is a tough call. In all honesty i think she is experiencing Lust, but I'm not her, i can't assume i KNOW.

What Girls Said 26

  • To you and all the other ladies who responded with similar scenarios- time to grow up and face reality. You all got yourselves stuck in that trap that a lot of women do- using friends with benefits to get yourself into a relationship with the guy in question.

    Guys don't bond after sex like girls do. You cannot expect them to fall for you by wooing them with your crotch. It just doesn't work like that with them.

    COULD it happen? Sure. Some people go from friends with benefits to relationship. But the chances are slim to none and it's foolish to think that you'll get more out of friends with benefits than fwb, sorry to say.

    You cannot turn this into something more. If it happens, it will, in it's own time. You try to start manipulating, you're just going to get burned. You went in on this under false pretense and you're the one who is going to lose.

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    • To the core opinion

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    • I also find it sad that you're defending someone who is trying to manipulate a guy into something else other than what they agreed upon. You DO realize that's what she's asking, right? "How do I turn this into something else?" She's asking us and not addressing it with him at all. That means she's trying to do it in a subtle way where she can change their agreement into something more. Chicks like this are why guys think we're all manipulative, emotional, and conniving. "LET'S DO FWB! OH NVM I LIKE YOU TOO MUCH. YOU'RE NOW GOING TO BE MY BOYFRIEND."

    • In response to your update, if that's the case, then you should definitely address it with him and see what he wants to do. If he's still so "unsure" then cut him off. He doesn't get to have the option to contemplate dating you while getting the goods. It's not fair to you.

  • I like how a lot of the older generation doesn't understand how society has changed from when they were her age. We live in a hook up culture now. Hardly anyone waits till they're dating before they do something sexual. If you made it past the initial sex, there's something he likes and he's keeping you around for a reason other than just sex (because like I said in the society we live in, it's so easy to find people to have sex with, he could be sleeping with anyone if he wanted, but he's sleeping with you) , you said yourself in your update that he likes you but is unsure of whether or not he wants to date you. To mirror what everyone else is saying, just ask him why he's not sure he wants to date you and go from there.

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  • Stop having sex with that man, plain and simple. What motivates him to have a relationship with you if you are sleeping with him without a relationship? You can't be friends with someone you have strong feelings for-and especially cannot have no string attached sex. You are doing yourself an incredible disservice. Gotta come clean and admit what you need and want and if it isn't matched be prepared to walk away. Don't settle for onlt sex just so you don't lose him-you deserve the whole package.

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  • Wondering this myself. I was with my friends with benefits for 3 years. He stated from the beginning he was not ready for a committed relationship neither was I. Communication is key. If you guys talk in detail about what it is, expectations for your situation, when either one is ready for more be it with each other or other people be completely open. I didn't do this with my friends with benefits which has left me now with hurt feelings because he sent so many mixed signals and he is now in a relationship with someone and he told me he likes me as a friend and wants to remain friends. It really isn't a good feeling knowing you are just being used for sex when he wants you, and then have him tell you he likes you as a friend after years of being more. If you guys can talk, talk about it and know where you stand because if you are ready for more and he's not, you can start to move on. I hope your situation works out better than mine, good luck to you.

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    • "It really isn't a good feeling knowing you are just being used for sex"

      The very DEFINITION of friends with benefits is "Using each other for sex, without expectations of 'more' in the future."

      If you didn't want to use that guy for sex (and let him use you for sex), then you had no business being in that relationship in the first place. He was honest about what he wanted from the beginning, and you weren't, so those hurt feelings are your own fault.

    • @MrOracle I should not use the term friends with benefits because we actually talked, went out on dates and spent time together, so it wasn't just about sex. We both were not ready for commitment at the time we starting seeing each other. We didn't communicate with each other when we felt we were ready for more be it with each other or someone else. Communication is key. So if you not offering any other kind of advice the harsh responses can be kept to yourself. People are human, you may not want to feel more for someone but we can't always control that point blank period.

  • Why did you go down this route in the first place? You need to sound him out about how he truly feels about you. He is getting sex so he doesn't need to feel emotionally attached to you as he's already getting everything he wants. Stop the sex thing, stop hanging out so much, stop making him central to your life. He will come a-begging because he clearly likes you. Then you need to sound him out. And make sure he knows its ok to say no to you and that your friendship won't change if he does say no.

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  • did you guys discuss what you wanted before sex. like did he say he just wanted to be friends. did you. or did you just say nothing... bc if you haven't talked about it yet just say you like him beyond sex. you'd like to get to know him outside of sex.

    or easier way is just ask him on a date.

    if you already agreed its just sex, you shouldn't expect to change that. if you wanted a relationship or to date, you shouldve said that to begin with. imo.

    however people do change their minds. so just ask him on a date. if he bites great. if not he's probably just into sex. you can ask him that if he says no. if he agrees he just wants sex, then accept its just sex or move on.

    if i was you iid either tell him i like him id ask him out. probably ask him out bc to me its less stressful than saying how i feel. which I'm not comfortable with. but there's nothing wrong with it.

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  • If you want to have a relationship with him, you have to stop having sex with him. it's a paradox, but it's true. He needs to learn a new respect for you if he's going to think of you in that way. Introduce sex again later if it's what you want, but he needs to see you as girlfriend material first. I hate the old saying, but it's so true in this case.. something about a cow and free milk..

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    • Exactly. Why would he want to go through the hassle of dating and giving her the girlfriend title when he's getting "free" no strings sex? Guys don't have to work for anything anymore because girls just give it away.

    • bc he might actually like her hence want a relationship. sex doesn't = a relationship thats why prostitutes make money.

      Following your logic all guys just want is sex from a relationship , than you must think verity lowly of yourself and have very low self esteem to want a relationship with a guy at all. seeing as they dont value you you just your vaginas. you've got nothing to preach about if thats how you rurally think bc you're reducing yourself to a commodity and not even getting paid for it.

  • Just be honest about how you feel and communicate that to him and go from there. There's no secret or manoeuvre into tricking him into dating you, it has to come naturally and he has to want it for himself. So if you at least be open and tell him, you can't go wrong. Just gotta hope he feels the same way :) Good luck

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  • You still are in the friend with benefit zone with him. I doubt he'll turn this thing into a relationship, because at the end of the day what is he getting from it. No offense but you guys already had sex a couple of times and quite frankly the way I see things is... there's no mystery. Guys like girls that's mysterious and love the chase. Being as though he already caught you... his interest will eventually fade away.

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  • Talk to him about it! I was in the exact sam sitation earlier this year. I couldn't hold it back any longer, not being with him, like not dating was killing me and just sex and friends with benefits wasn't enough for me anymore. First I wrote down all my thoughts on a piece of paper and sorted them. Then I kind of imagined what the conversation could be like, I prepared what I was going to say and tried to think of things he would say back and what I could say then. I was ready for the talk and when it came to this, it was all up to him. Literally, the only way is to talk to him about it. Otherwise, you will never get what you want. Good luck :)

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  • I don't think there's anything u can do. He's sort of classified u into the sex category. It can be extremely difficult to change that

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  • You can't make him take it but you can put it on the table as that's what you want. The rest is up to him to consider.

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  • Stop having sex with him and see if he sticks around. If he sticks around he like you for more than your body and tell him how you feel. Now if he start acting weird and coming up with every excuse not to be around you, you know you was nothing more than a smash.

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  • Firstly, maybe stop having sex with him. If you want him to see you as anything more than he probably already does - a friend who he has sex with - then you need to make him respect you. Continuing things the way they're going is only going to make you more attached, and in case he doesn't feel the same, you don't want that.
    Sit him down, send him a text, just ask where it's going - or if he see's it going anywhere. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. Let him know his answer won't affect your friendship, but whatever benefits you have going on will need to stop. It's not healthy for you to keep doing what you're doing if he answer doesn't mirror yours, love, not when you have feelings for him.

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  • You already gave him benefits. What if that's all he wanted? But you could try asking him. It all depends on whether u have chosen the right guy. You never know..

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  • Same kinda thing only "backwards" he told me 3 days ago he wished/wanted a girlfriend now, because he got custody of his son and working "daddy hrs" has put a damper on his finances I explained that wasn't a good reason to ask a girl, and he went on to say also for sex, and again I explained neither are good reasons... 3 days now he contacts me, and I have kids of my own I lost interest in that fwb's deal wrong reasons to try to further things

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  • By simply asking him if he wants a relationship with you or if he wants to remain how you are, coz you can't turn it into something more unless you know what he wants too, it has to be a mutual thing, you won't know unless you ask him

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  • tell him if he still want to have sex with you he had to make it formal but before it be nice to him show you care about him and actually love him.

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  • ask him if he's ever thought about dating you

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  • Honestly don't have sex with him until he commits

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  • I'm struggling with this right now. All I can say is be honest about your feelings without trying to come on too strong.. you have to be willing to risk what you have now.

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  • Talk to him. That's all you can do. Maybe he feels the same way. Good luck :)

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  • Ask him what he sees you as but don't expect too much

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  • Make him realize that you are better than friends with benefits or just try to talk to him that you like more than friendship relationship.

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  • Ask him. Thats all you have to do. just ask him about the future

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  • You just need to be honest about what you want, there's honestly no other way.
    Trying to manipulate or "hint" your way in will cause confusion and mixed emotions, especially since you guys are in that delicate "What are we?" phase.
    If you want more than what you have now, SAY THAT.
    Be honest.
    It is a risk, yes, because there's a chance he likes things the way they are now.
    But it's a risk worth taking if you really care about him.

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