The guys I like are intimated by me. How can I stop this/be more approachable/make them feel secure that I am into them?

Growing up I was always the chubby girl and never dated/got any attention from boys during high school. Out school I went through some stuff my weight ballooned more and I didn't socialise much at all, I was a mess.
The past few years I have been working on myself a lot. I'm down to my goal weight, fit, healthy, happy, have a great job and have a heap of fun hobbies I do regularly. I am ready to date. The only problem is the guys that I am attracted to: the kind of dorky, little chubby, funny guys don't see me as a potential partner/ automatically assume I'll overlook them or just want to use them. Instead I get approached by the typical gym/pretty boy type of guys (tans, muscles, superficial party kind of guys) Don't get me wrong these might be nice guys but after years of being looked down upon, ostracised and bullied by these types of people I can't see myself ever being comfortable dating someone like that.

I recently started dating a really great guy, things were going well, we had fun together, I was comfortable around him and despite him not being "typically" good looking or "fit" I was insanely attracted to him and wanted to date him exclusively. Things were heading the relationship route and bam he starts acting weird, comments about how I must be using him start to pop up, He asked me why I'm slumming, actually stopped mid-sex and starts going on about why I choose him when almost any other guy would f#&k me. Apparently his friends were going on about him "punching out of his weight" and convinced him I must have some sort of ulterior motive (I didn't)
I know this stems from his insecurity and after me doing me best to show him I was into him and just him I had enough and I ended things. I've had other guys make the same sort of comments.

So what I am asking is, in the future how can I help make a guy i'm interested in feel secure that I'm into him without being clingy or being treated like a trophy? Or should I just go for a different type?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • I was in a similar situation as you. I found this sweet nerdy guy that I loved his personality and him and his entire family were convinced I was using him for money (he didn't even have a lot lol and I never asked him to buy me stuff) and he always thought I was just going to up and leave him. He was super clingy then just started being an angry jerk months later thinking I must be cheating.

    The type of guys you go for end up feeling inadequate because lookswise you are out of their league. There isn't much you can do about that honestly except to just act how you normally would when interested. Make sure you initiate texts and compliment them etc. If they can't get over their insecurities they aren't right for you. There are guys out there that are what you are looking for but will have confidence. It's harder for girls like us to find a confident guy that is our type so just keep looking. Maybe an in shape guy will fit all your other criteria and will be a good match for you so you won't have to deal with their self esteem issues.

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    • Omgosh the clingy then angry part was this relationship (if you can call it that) down to a tee. I started to think at some stages he was trying to get me to drop him/push me away.
      I tried the initiating thing, compliments etc. and it worked in the beginning but once his friends got to him I couldn't reassure him enough.
      Which sucks he pretty much ticked ever box as far as what I look for in a partner and I was really attracted to him. I don't know persistence must be the key haha

What Guys Said 5

  • Your first impression to any guy will be important. You sound like a well rounded level headed young lady who should have no trouble turning heads. (Btw congratulations on your efforts to improve your health)

    So if you meet up with a guy you like:
    ☺️

    A smile and kind words can make a quantum difference for that crucial first encounter. In fact we should do that all the time anyway. If you keep up your pleasant disposition by treating others kindly, you will get much better results.
    Dont be too shy making the first gesture. Nothing ventured nothing gained. Place yourselves in a position which requires you to talk to him. You girls are pretty good at that. Go for it!

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  • I hear you, You should go for whatever your heart wants, now winning some ones heart is not easy, you have to gain their trust slowly and show them that your there for real and not playing. That's what I try to do. Smile, help, show people your a good person... Smile and talk to them, ask their name, ask genuine questions, don't be fake... Be around for a whole till they trust you enough to ask you out.

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  • You're obsessing. Go for the type you want. Let the next guy know that you are interested. See where it leads. Not all of them are going to work out the way you want. Many times girls on GaG think in terms of how they can get a great guy on their very next try and sometimes it works and sometimes it does not. Dating and mating is a long way from being a perfect science, but you will eventually find the right one... just don't over-try.

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  • In short: approach men you want yourself.

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  • Shoot... haha where do you live? jk.. I don't know most girls around here date the same type of men you are not attracted to.. But honestly if a guy is that weird about it, I would do what you did, and find a new man...

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