No more being a nice guy! Tired of being a white knight!

After many years of searching u finally found the who I thought was the one... We had an instant connection and we were so into each other. We work with each other and she has made me food and brought it to work for lunch and I have brought her small treats like candy. Walked each other to our cars out of work. And then all of the sudden she started playing hot and cold with me wtf... After 2 weeks of hot cold I confronted her and she said she has been seeing someone for 3 weeks now. Wtf! She never mentioned this. So now I'm upset and ignoring and she has been trying to get my attention for 2 weeks and finally this week she started to cool down... I'm really upset at her for not telling me I feel like I have been led on and used...

Updates:
After I started just treating her like a co worker whenever we crossed paths she smiles and giggles at me the other day. Yesterday she smiles while looking into my eyes while walking past me. I don't know what to think anymore
Update, since ignoring her today we had group lunch thing and that was the first time we were around each other, well she made small talk and I was on the defense and then she invited me to to do volunteer work. It was in front of everyone so I didn't want to make a scene but I wanted to ask well what about your new man? This woman is confusing me

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Most Helpful Guy

  • You have no reason to be upset with her. A person's feelings change. And sorry to say, but you didn't man up when you had the opportunity.

    Here's the thing--if you like a girl, you cannot waste anytime bringing her into your life. If you waste time, a faster moving (i. e. more dominant) man will get the girl. It's that simple. She probably did like you--but another guy made a move first--was she supposed to wait for you? Know if you were ever going to try to get serious with her? For all she knows, you might just be a friendly flirt and simply flirted back--because flirting is fun. You can flirt with people you aren't serious with. How is she supposed to know? Based on your description, everything was just playful banter at work--did you ever actually ask her out? Did you ever go on a date? Even if you did--why can't she still choose another guy?

    I'm not bashing you in anyway--but you need to adjust your mindset a bit. Move faster and don't hold expectations on how other people should feel or behave.

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    • I understand what you are saying but here's is a little more. She was the aggressor at the beginning I spoke first and after that she was being very aggressive and I hesitated because I didn't know what her intentions are but I just went with the flow. When I confronted about the hot cold treatment I told her I wanted to take her out on a date and she broke the news of a new guy and at the same time she was red and blushing really hard and I didn't want to confuse her since she already slept w the other guy. So I told her it's ok I really hope he makes you happy and I walked off. Ever since she comes to work full make up on new clothes and kept smiling wanting my attention but me knowing she is sexing another guy I felt like I need to keep my distance and just kept it simple. I was mainly hurt bc she carried herself like a woman who you have to earn. She told me the guy was a friends with benefits and it shocked me

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    • Hey, appreciate the follow up, hope things have been well.

      Here are my thoughts: don't over-think this.

      These situations can get stickier and more confusing than just about anything else. Does she like me, does she not, should I say this or that, do this or that... NO. Stop thinking about it.

      She may like you. She may not. But she did choose another man at one point--and it doesn't matter if she's still with him or not. As soon as she chose to see another guy, you became a backup plan. Have more respect for yourself than to be someone's backup plan. Why should you want to be with anyone who isn't THRILLED to be with you?

      I think you should continue as you are--treat her exclusively as a coworker. Maybe you two could work things out. But is that "maybe" really worth the emotional and mental taxation? Simplify. There are women out there who WILL be thrilled to be with you. Go find one of them, and never let someone string you along this way.

      Hope that helps.

    • Thank you for your feed back. She said the volunteer work is during our work hours meaning she wants to hang out during our lunch and not outside of work... I wanted to say but what about your new guy but our other co workers were around. So pretty much I should not hang out with her? I'm already to the point were even if it didn't work out with her new guy I wouldn't date her seriously if she came running back to me...

What Girls Said 5

  • sorry that happened to you. however you put all your eggs in one basket. you were searching for years and found the one, but she wasn't even your gf. it sounds like you guys didn't know each other too well. some people will pull the rug out from under you, however it sounds like she is just a flirt. some people have guys they flirt with and spend time with when their real bf isn't around. you don't have to become a bitter asshole, but spend some time getting to know a girl better and don't fall all in until you at least get to know her outside of work. if you only really hang out during work hours then you need to get to know each other better before investing

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    • Good points. I was in the middle of some stuff and was getting my own place and we had talks of how she was going to be coming over for dinner we talked about doing some out door activities etc... She was gng to help me move my stuff then flaked and left me by myself to move...

  • I'm so sorry this happened, this has happened to me a lot too. It's really discouraging. But she's not the one, it ain't meant to be no point bashing head against a brick wall. Maybe try and meet some more women outside of work, make sure u have plenty of other options

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  • From what I read, she just wanted the companionship. Just because she was nice doesn't mean she wanted a full relationship.

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    • Sample IM;

      Her: are u gng tomorrow?
      Me: yup going for 4 miles
      Her: make sure you think of me :)
      Me: I will :)

      That's just one of many. She was super quiet at work until we met and everyone at work even thought she liked me.

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    • Friendship? I would never tell my guy friend to think of me while he is working out... That's not friendship.

    • That's because you are a guy. How women interpret friendship is totally different.

  • She was your date, not your wife, get over it.

    Also, the kinda person you seem to be, I'd probably do the same thing she did, but not be so nice about it. You're lucky she gave a shit about your feelings.
    Are you really 30-35?

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    • Uh WTF? Do you really want to live in a world where no ever gives a shit about anyone else's feelings?

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    • a few weeks is enough time to get invested in someone. He has a right to be upset about this. Think if the shoe was on the other foot? Would you want to be played like that?

    • I think I'd just cut my losses and walk away.

  • I'm sorry but that's just weak. Bitterness is weakness in my book. You need to learn from situations, move on and became a better and wiser person instead of letting them make you cold.

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    • Plus you may end up missing out on a great person because you was an ass to them. Just saying.

    • Has nothing to do with weak. Weak would mean I would still give her the attention as if she didn't have a guy. I turned her into a professional co worker, I didn't give her the cold shoulder i say good morning have a good weekend that's it. No more calling her nicknames. Leaving sweet notes on her desk no more IM conversations. I was already thinking its hard to find a nice girl until I met her... I opened up myself to her and we told each other our lives, shared music it's a lot more than what I originally posted. She originally told me she just stopped dating some guy of 3 months and at the end when she told me about this new guy she said he was a friends with benefits and it turned serious... I'm like when did this happened? There was no gap I thought she was interested in me... Of course I'm open to meeting new people I'm just pissed right now how it all played out well how I got played

    • Women get played all the time get over it.

What Guys Said 13

  • After reading both sides of the argument, cause it seems like they were split down the middle…guys are pissed at the girl, the girls are pissed at you so here is a guy's honest opinion on the matter…If you didn't have a date with her bro, yeah you had lunch…at the office…it sounds like. You didn't make a move, you just assumed. So, no, I don't honestly think you have a right to be mad, yeah is it a little messed up, yeah but at the end of the day you created the illusion of a relationship with her with out communicating it to her. So what she did outside of the office was perfectly fine, you weren't used, you were her friend, not her boyfriend. Next time something like this happens, make your intentions clear, it will save you both trouble and heart ache. Sorry bro, i know it sucks…but I'm just being real with you.

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    • Thank you I understand your input. We did communicate out relationship status she actually asked me first and I explained them I asked her and told me what was going too she said she wasn't seeing anyone. I wish she told me about that guy she was seeing I would of backed off. But in the end I learned she has a ton of guy friend orbiters guy best friend and she is still friends with her ex husband and they even hang out so it kind of all came out towards the end. My close friends say she is either a player or attention whore and need to cut her off.

  • She trampled on your feelings so you are right to be upset but don't let it make you bitter, just accept it as part of life and be one of the few people in this world who own their shit.

    Being nice isn't the answer, being chivalrous isn't the answer, being a white knight isn't the answer, being bitter isn't the answer, being an asshole isn't the answer.

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    • I'm a self proclaimed nice guy who has white knighted chicks in the past and I stopped after realizing what was going on... Had success with women since even had a 4 year relationship. Then this girl comes along and she was different. Sweet country accent from out of town. Seems like their all the same

  • yeah bruh that sucks. you just gotta move past it and find another girl.

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    • I know brah it's hard bc she works with me I see her everyday and I try to avoid but when we cross paths she gives me this huge flirty smile and it sucks but I have to be a man and distant myself from her. It sucks for her new bf to have her still trying to get my attention...

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    • Dude my friends say I should take a break and join the dark side bc I get hit on a lot by taken and married women but I refuse because of my nice guy morals.

  • "Nice" is girl code for "not attractive". Sorry man :-/

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    • When we walk past each other at work she still gives me smiles doing double takes saying hey etc but I respond in a professional way now. What's the point if I can't have her?

    • Her significant other takes all the sex but doesn't put up with her 'emotional support' crap. That's what it is to be friend zoned.

    • She told me the other guy was a friends with benefits before they got serious so she was screwing him and talking to me at the same and being hot and cold. I feel like I lead on hardcore

  • Sucks to be the white knight dude. Been there before.

    Just livin' in a fucked up world, man.

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    • It was intentional white knight too but no more of that.

    • It's great to be nice and all, but I've kinda learned over the years that girls (whether they say it or not) at some primal level like the guy to take charge and be assertive every once and a while. I think it's biology overriding psychology.

  • do not confront, so you have a conditional niceness. Being a nice guy is being nice because you care about them, not because you want a return.

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    • I confronted her when she flaked out on helping me move to my new place. When I text her she didn't reply that but right before she got to work in the morning... That was towards the end and I knew something was wrong bc she was being shady.

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    • Def lessened learned I was just so sure about this one, she made me think she was the type that makes you wait for sex so I was just going with her flow. Had I knew she was into the friends with benefits thing at the beginning I wouldn't have white knight her

    • white knight her either just be cautious

  • -looks at all the females excusing this woman's behavior- Yeah, I'm not white knighting. I don't blame you for being pissed off.

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    • I bet they have plenty of white knight friends... One even said the girl telling me to think of her while I'm working out is a friendship thing... Do you tell your guy friend yo think of me while your benching bro! Lmao

    • Oh yeah last time I was pumping iron I totally had to give my buddies a call and tell them about my feelings. XD

  • Yeah don't be bitter. That's not the answer. if you truly are what you say you are. She is the problem, not you. Don't let a woman change you ever.

    Get rid of her and find someone who appreciates you and doesn't run around on you

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    • Omg thank you! My friends r telling me the same that she is super rude ass hole. When she was cold she ignored me like she didn't know then all of the sudden she brings me food to work etc... I moved into a new place and she was going to help me... She flaked out and I ended up moving my crap alone mainly my bed is what she wanted to help with... That's when I confronted her

  • Good Anakin good I now welcome you to the dark side.

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  • I hear you man

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  • She sounds like a stuck up, selfish spoiled brat who wants to be treated badly. Why are any guys surprise anymore? That's what women and girls want.

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    • One alarming thing I did notice towards the end was she had a lot of guy friends.. Even refered to a guy as a best friend and she hangs w her ex husband..,

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    • During the initial phrase she was telling me oh I grew up in a church home etc dating is so hard bc all men want is sex and that is why I felt like she was the old school type... Like she needs to get to know me before getting in bed... Than as time goes by notice texting from a lot of guys. But the friends with benefits is what pissed me off. Church girl huh

    • What can i say she's a hypocrite.

  • I feel for you. Girls are like that. They don't want the nice guy. They want a guy they could "fix". The bad boy who doesn't give a shit and could show them an exciting time and play games with them. No matter how much woman say they don't like games, that's what they want, they get off on games because they are emotional creatures and it feeds that part of them. Don't get down about it. Just move on and don't make the mistake again.

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    • For the first time I thought she actually liked me for being nice. She first approached me saying how she can't stand these guys that play games etc and told me I was a fantastic guy telling me to think of her while I'm working out etc... The heck man

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