She now wants us to just be "dating" and not in a "relationship" :(

I work two jobs (one full-time and the other part-time). I met this lady while at my second job. I have been dating her for the past two months. She has been trying to get into the Army, but she doesn't know if she will get in. She said awhile back that I can call her my girlfriend, so I was thinking that we were finally in a relationship now. We would go to dinner, watch a movie sometimes, and even go to church together. But on Wednesday night after dinner, she said that she doesn't know what she wants.

She became worried that my father would want me to marry someone who is a Nigerian Catholic. She also mentioned that my father's blessing is important. I am a 32 year old single black man who has never married, and she is a 37 year old white single mom who was twice divorced with a daughter. My parents don't want me to marry a white person, especially since she is 5 years older than me and already has a child with someone else. But even if my parents don't approve of us going out, I told her that I don't care what my parents think. She told me that "the father always wins", recalling her previous marriage with her ex-husband who also had a controlling father. She has been divorced twice, and her in-laws from her second marriage (her ex-husbands' parents) didn't approve of her either, since she had a child who was black. She spent the past 18 years raising her child, working, and going to school. She currently lives with her parents.

Now that her daughter is away to college, she wants to be focused on herself and not have to compromise with someone else in a relationship. She said that she just wants us to be "dating". I understand that she wants to be focused on herself, especially since she spent so many years focusing on her daugher, but if she doesn't want to be in a relationship, then why does she want to date in the first place, especially if she is trying to get into the military anyway? You would think that if someone is trying to get into the military that they would avoid dating altogether since the military would require her to travel and be deployed in places far away. Isn't the whole point of dating to find someone to be in a relationship with? If she doesn't want to be in a relationship, then why does she keep calling me on the phone, want to have dinner with me, or spend time with me? It makes no sense. Why does she now want to be just dating if previously she said that I can call her my girlfriend. Is she secretly seeing someone else? If so, then why does she call me all the time wanting me to spend time with her? I love her so much, but I don't want to get hurt in the end. If I don't have a chance in this, why does she call me, text me, and want to spend time with me?


Most Helpful Guy

  • Man...

    I feel you...

    My girlfriend wants to remain in the military...

    Its not the best situation for a relationship, just as you mentioned...

    Make sure you want to deal with it...

    Make sure its what you want before you continue.

    She seems to be looking for direction.

    I'm not going to lie, you can provide the direction she is looking for, but you gotta be ready for some times of confusion.

    There is nothing more unattractive than a female that doesn't know what she wants.

    It really seems that she wants to be with you, but you know how women are...

    They want to be sure of what they are getting into, and with her previous experience...

    Your not really reassuring her of what she needs to be assured.

    If you really want to be with her...

    Go over and beyond what she expects...

    But make sure its what you want first.

    Good Luck Dude...


    A Loving Black Man


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What Girls Said 1

  • This woman's unwillingness to get over her past, is blocking her blessing to be with you.

    You are a man of God. You love her and her child, inspite of her past. She may have a fear of marriage now. She needs time to fast and pray. You need the time to fast and pray about your relationship.

    It is coincidental that I am a mother of two (2) and on my way to the Navy. The only thing is I have never been married. Praying to be joined in marriage with my husband A.S.A.P.

    Do you have two (2) different religious beliefs? Could this be a factor? Find out. She doesn't have to live with your parents for ever. What matters most is your love for one another.

    I pray that God gives you discernment in this situation...


What Guys Said 2

  • Obviously there are a lot of famiy influences and some racial issues complicating this relationship. I personally feel that she has a poor track record, and that you would be better off just letting her go...

    I doubt the military would take a woman her age... but in any case she is making changes in her life, changes that you might not be a part of in the future...

    Let her go..

  • She doesn't want to be alone and she clearly cares for you, but has been burned. I don't know that you have a chance - it doesn't sound promising.