Is it wrong for my bf to speak to this girl?

I've been seeing my bf for almost a month. We're both 24. He told me he wanted to be honest with me from the start of our relationship so he told me about a 'friend' of his who he still talks to.

They met a year ago and dated for a week. They pretty much did everything except have sex. She confessed to him that she has a boyfriend back home in her city. My bf said that he was really hurt but that he liked her and asked her to choose him or her bf. She chose her bf as she's been with him for 2 years and she was only in my bfs city for 2 months for an internship. She stayed with her bf and even though she says she felt really guilty she keeps messaging my bf on fb. They basically talked every single week for a year they never talk about anything personal like relationships etc but only 'mundane' study stuff.

He still talks to her now but not as much as before now that he's with me. I told him that I'm very uncomfortable with him still talking to her while we are together esp since she's still with the bf who she cheated with even though I trust my bf, I don't trust her.

My bf said he can understand why I would feel uncomfortable but he will still talk to her now and then. Am I right to be upset about this? He's getting upset at me for feeling this way thinking that I don't trust him no matter how many times I tell him I do. If he really cares for me would he tell me he'd stop talking to her on his own accord esp since he tells me she's not even someone important to him?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • He is lying that she is not important to him, otherwise he would not talk to her. It seems messy to me, she is definitely not cool, i wouldn't want to have anything to do with her.

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What Guys Said 3

  • It may truly be just a platonic friendship he doesn't want to give up. I've got two female friends I go out for drinks with regularly, and communicate with often. Nothing romantic, and my wife has no problem with it.
    Since you are obviously troubled with you guy's situation, it is something you need to work out with him. It seems that he has been upfront and honest with you, but you need to talk. Maybe the three of you should get together. If you can't come to grips with him and her, then you should probably end it.

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    • Thing is he says he doesn't see her as a good friend. He said she's not an important person in his life coz he has way better friends than her... He doesn't talk much with her apart from uni stuff etc. Honestly why would a guy bother to talk to someone every week if they are that unimportant to him? It seems weird to me

    • Excellent points Kiki. He doesn't seem to need her in his life, but there she is. Strange.
      The biggest trouble I see is if you really want your relationship with him to continue, and you tell him to quit seeing her...
      big risk. I guess you go with your best instincts.

  • Tough choice. You are justified, but guys don't like being castrated. If you can tolerate it, keep voicing your opinion, but if you value him, try to let it stay on the back burner. In his mind nothing is wrong, no sex, no dirty talk, just talk. And he is right, just ego bruising, nothing concrete. Good luck!

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  • I don't think it's really fair to make demands about who someone can or cannot be friends with.

    Have you considered speaking with her about it? Maybe she's cool! Maybe she could allay your fears.

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    • Yeah right, she cheated on her BF and she is cool? very bad answer.

    • Sorry, I'm polyamorous. The concept of cheating or having to pick between two people is just weird to me at this point. I re-read your story 3 times and didn't find anything involving cheating in the traditional sense. Is going on a date cheating?

What Girls Said 5

  • I don't see why you not trusting her as anything to do with your boyfriend. You say you trust your boyfriend and that's all that matters. What she does is not your concern because as you say, you trust him. So no, I don't think you're right for getting upset especially considering how he doesn't even talk to her that often. You should trust him enough to not have a care in the world over who he talks to in his personal life.

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  • He agreed to talk to her even less than he has been. That's a good start. I completely understand where you're coming from with thus but at the same time it should be his choice who his friends are and who he talks to.

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    • yeah i agree too. I would never want to make him choose but seeing as he says he has "meaningless" conversations with her I don't even know why he even bothers to respond to her every week! It's just so damn weird to me. But since he hasn't willingly said he will stop talking to her despite knowing how uncomfortable I am and saying how important I am to him then would it be stupid to break up with him over this? Because this is a deal breaker for me but I don't know if I'm being irrational

    • @Asker
      I see this as very irrational. He probably hasn't agreed to stop talking to her because the conversations are meaningless. If the convos are as you say then he probably just enjoys the casual conversations and sees it as no big deal.

  • We're kinda in the same situation in the beginning of my relationship with my boyfriend before now husband. He doesn't wanna stop talking to this girl that have cheated on his husband and lover with him but still thinks that the girl was nice, how pathetic is that. Lol I made him choose between me and her, I told him I have no time for games and dramas. I want all your attention or nothing at all and because he loves me, he chooses me. If your man loves you then he'll stop talking that girl. Make him choose.

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  • You are have all the right to feel how you feel now but Like @slackercruster Said guys don't like being castrated, if he doesn't have any feelings for her it's Okay in the END he will get bored from her just be careful and try to give him space.

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  • Yes you do have the right to be upset. He shouldn't be talking to her if he is with you

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