Why do I always suspect guys have an ulterior motive when they like me?

I always seem to suspect that when a guy asks me out... that he really just wants sex (or something else). I guess I don't see guys liking me for me that often. They're always just so into my body and my looks... when will they like me for my personality and who I actually am?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • How do you come across to most guys?

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    • I'm actually not sure haha. How would I know?

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    • Well. Most guys have told me I come across really nice and sweet with a dark side. I get that a lot... for some reason. Should I still PM you?

    • Yes, please pm me. I'll let you in on some things I'd care not let the whole world of gag know.

What Guys Said 11

  • Just going to throw this out there: if we don't go out on dates (which I'll ask you on because I probably thought you were pretty), how am I ever going to learn anything about your personality? I can know if you're pretty in an instant--determining if you have a good personality takes time.

    In other words, if we've just met, it's impossible for me to know anything about your personality, your looks are all I have to go on. And that's why I ask you out--to learn about you.

    Perhaps you are dismissing people too quickly because of personal insecurities, rather than anything about them?

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    • I don't know. I think when I get the guys who want to come over for a "cuddle session" or who send me lots of winks I get a little suspicious of their motives. What if the guy stops asking the girl on dates and just suggests that she comes over to watch movies?

    • General rule of thumb: if he invites you to his home (or wants to go to yours), he is asking for sex. If you want sex, go to that place (of course, you always have the right to refuse him, regardless where you are, but he'll anticipate sex in those places); if you don't, it's better to meet for dates outside of each other's homes.

      If you've been on a few dates with a guy and you still don't want sex, but you like him, it's ok to start meeting at each other's places. But you need to discuss your feelings about sex before. If he still comes around, odds are he isn't in it only for *quick* sex (not a guarantee--there are no guarantees--just that the odds are better; remember, he still wants sex with you, or you wouldn't be dating at all).

      Not going to split hairs right now, though. Hope that was helpful. Big thing: don't let your own fears hold you back from dating guys, I kind of have the feeling you are just a bit too mistrusting (but caution is good).

    • I think assuming every guy wants sex from me just kind of puts the extra pressure on me in a way. I LIKE sex... but I think that I give it away too easily? I don't know. Maybe not. I just haven't had any guys who really really like me lately, but lots who want to have sex.

      You made a good point though. He invited me over after the first date, but I didn't take it as wantign sex. So if I want to avoid falling into this trap I should just go home and end the date... that's so hard for me! When I really like a guy I just want to spend a lot of time with him... even if it means snuggling up to a movie at his place. Maybe I should watch the movie and then leave? Gah. I don't know. I just hate going home after a date that ends at like 930 pm. That just seems so lonely for no reason haha

  • Guys like sex, and want sex, period. Deal with it, if you don't like it, then date women. Guys hit on you because they find you sexually attractive primarily, now all they have to do now is decide if your likable or not. So sexual attraction first, then they see if your cool or not. There is nothing wrong with a guy wanting sex. Sex isn't a taboo.

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    • even on the first date?

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    • @Been_waiting dont fuck then. there's plenty of people out here who like to have sex. The world doesn't stop just becuse you don't put out. Good luck finding a bf, youd get cheated on real quick if you even get one.

    • I never said there was anything wrong with people wanting sex. I even said like 5 times that its perfectly fine.
      And when did I say I wouldn't have sex with my boyfriend? ? Really when tf did I say that? Just because I don't put out for random dudes doesn't mean I'm completely opposed to sex. Are you pulling these assumptions out your ass or?

  • Are you asking when they will like your personality as well as your looks or instead of your looks?

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  • A lot of them will like you for your personality. Most guys won't date a girl they don't enjoy hanging out with.

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    • True... but how far will they go on dating before they give up if they just want sex?

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    • Sounds like you were right on the money with that guy, only in it for sex.

    • That sucks. I guess I know better than to go home w/ a guy from now on... unless I know what's going to happen. See, that just makes me even more nervous haha. fml.

  • Lack of confidence.

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  • Its pretty likely that they do, better play it safe.

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  • Just trying to get lvl 2 since this bitch site won't let you post links at lvl 1 sorry

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    • not sure what that is

  • Don't be so pessimist. If you think that way, don't sleep with them until the 3rd or 5th date. If they like you, they'll stick around. There are very nice guys out there, like me, who really could use being given a chance.

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    • So if they don't even ask for a 2nd date but come over for sleepovers before that... it's pretty obvious they just want sex?

    • Yes, but don't judge them. Just evaluate how much time they're willing to invest in you. If they just want sex, they'll run away pretty quickly.

    • ah, gotcha. yeah, I denied this guy enough... think he got the picture.

  • I feel like when girls show interest, they either are trying to get to know me just so they can make another guy jealous or are just trying to be friendly. Also, I sometimes feel like they only want to get to know me so that they can use me to get to know some of my friends.

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  • It's not an ulterior motive. It's the primary motive because every guy, unless he was gay, probably would have desire sex with you if you showed interest in him. (Preferably naked and holding a bottle of whipped cream)

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  • Well I won't ever have sex with a girl without getting to know her first and also have an std test done on her and me also for her sake. Honestly it's not all about looks. I've talked a lot of attractive girls who I could tell right off the bat that they were bat shit crazy or they were the wild party type. Or they were ghetto. The list goes on. Most times I can tell all of this just by observing how she acts around others. Now if she doesn't throw any of those red flags i'll try to get her out on a date and just get to know her and take things from their. This is the whole purpose of a date. Now remember if you feel a guy just wants to use you don't forget that you hold the cards. Don't give it up to him if you feel that way. After 6 or 7 dates he's still with you then he probably likes you for your personality! :) He would have moved on to another girl by then if he just wanted to bang you.

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    • Ah, so if he asks for one real date and then never asks for more... but just asks for movie nights? Then when you don't give it up after 3 nights he stops texting?

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    • Well I'm not on it for hookups. :) Honestly I couldn't tell you that though cause I don't see the kinds of messages guys send. I only see the girls. I guess dating really is hard for girls, cause they never do know the guys true intentions, so then they end up wasting a bunch of time going on 2 or 3 dates only to find out they just wanted sex. lol All this time I thought the girls had it easy.

    • hahaha yeah!! you are exactly right!!! it's like we have to "feel out" every guy. It's ridiculous.

What Girls Said 4

  • Guys tend to be more visual creatures and are usually initially attracted towards a girl for her looks. However, if she doesn't have the personality to back it up, they will not stick around for the most part. I'm sure I'm stepping on some toes here, but that's generally how it is. A guy will not pursue a girl he personally deems unattractive, nor will he continue to hang out with a girl if her personality rubs him the wrong way even if she is slamming hot.

    It's possible you feel this way because guys are constantly complimenting you, thinking that they are making you feel good when instead they are making you wonder if that's all that matters to them. Try not to see it that way. Take it for what it is, which is an indicator that the guy is into you and wants you to know it.

    While it might have been your looks that reeled him in closer, the guy did like your personality and liked you for you if he stuck around for any length of time. Feel good, you apparently have a lot going for you and have the best of both worlds! Life is too short to waste being insecure with yourself on any level.

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    • I think you nailed it in the 2nd paragraph. I get lots of compliments on my looks, but I'm actually smart and a very nice person. I don't know. I guess I just don't understand the rules of dating. I went home w/ a guy on a first date to watch a movie... didn't expect he'd want sex. I think I just don't get things that most people do about dating. I think it's fine to have sleepovers and not have sex, but apparently that isn't the norm... apparently you go home with a guy to have sex w/ him?

    • That doesn't sound so much that you did anything wrong, but that the guy you went home with either misread your signals and assumed you were down with having sex, or he was just a jerk and expected it anyway.

      As a rule though, if you want to avoid those awkward situation the best way I've found to do so is to keep the initial few dates outside in a neutral location that isn't on either person's turf. You go home at the end, alone. This is the best way to avoid any misunderstandings early on. I agree with you that it's okay to have sleepovers with no sex, but some guys will interpret that as an invitation. The way I handle that is that if I agree to sleep over the idea that we might have sex is always in the back of my head. Doesn't mean I'll say yes, or that it will happen, but I've accepted it as a possibility and won't be surprised if he makes a move. Hope that helped. :)

    • Yeah, I completely agree. I think I need to not go home w/ guys on first dates. Not that I've ever done that a lot... or really more than twice ever haha. One guy didn't believe in sex before marriage so I figured it didn't matter. This guy though... he was like sex is just sex w/e, I won't judge you... I think he was just a bad dude. It sucks having to be the freaking gate keeper though doesn't it?

  • I wish I knew girl. For now I'll just look at the responses for what others say.

    For me, I feel like the guy never sees me for me. Like they really don't understand me, but like the idea of me. If you get that. >.<

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    • Yeah, I feel like guys just want to hookup w/ me and then never want to make a real relationship of anything.

  • all guys want to get your pants down, but some guys also want a relationship and love, so dont dismiss them so easily, there are plenty of bad ones out there but also plenty of good ones :)

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    • I just keep suspecting the bad though. I don't know why

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    • ah, so if I strongly suspect a guy is just after sex... he probably is?

    • yep, all men are, thats what makes them men, but not all men just want that :P

  • Omg I always think the same thing.

    I'm just like... oh he just wants sex. Oh he's just doing a bet. Oh he doesn't drive and needs rides somewhere. Oh he's just dumb and needs help with homework. Oh he's just using me to get back at some girl.

    Like I feel like the intentions are never pure.

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    • Yeah! Exactly. I so wish I didn't think like that, but I do

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    • @AlwaysBelieving

      Oh for sure... with lovers AND friends.
      It makes me not want to talk to people.

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