Dating with ugly duckling syndrome? Can anyone relate/shed some advice?

I used to be very overweight. One of those girls who people would say "had a pretty face". I worked my butt off the past few years, lost the weight and am attracting a heap of attention from men.
This is great however, I don't like the fact that it's my looks that these guys seem to solely focus on. I'm smart, funny, witty, kind and compassionate; all traits I developed to I guess "survive" socially whilst larger. I'd much rather someone say I'm a nice person than look "hot".
I have to admit I'm still very intimated by the "gym guys" I seem to attract these days and not to sounds judgmental wouldn't want to be with someone so focused on their looks or who would have ridiculed the old me.
Instead I like the sweet kind of goofy chubby guys. I'm attracted to a man's personality much more than his looks. The only problem is these guys don't seem to trust my intentions or either go all clingy or as my friend puts it "puppy dog" on me ( go overboard with the sweet texts, gifts, compliments, try and move things ahead way too fast etc.)
I've dated a few guys since loosing weight. One of which said "he doesn't trust girls as gorgeous as me". Another who after some amazing dates and sex turned on me and said "I must have some interior motives and must be using him" He even barked at me "what do you really want from me! You could have anyone! Why me?".
I'm not the sort of girl who expects lavish dates or gifts. The dates with the aforementioned guy were simple and I was really happy with them; Subway and a movie, ice cream and a walk, movie and pizza at our places. Nothing lavish and I always offered to chip in or paid for certain parts when he'd allow it. So I don't think I came across as a gold digger and I'm certainly not materialistic.
So how can I gain the trust from the men I date/show them my personality more? Should I be upfront about my weight loss early on? I'm still very self conscious talking about it.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Fuck whatever a chick says in response to this. Guys think logically. we tend to think that people that share likeness belong together. In male social hirearchy the men at the top play pranks on the lower men and this is how we maintain social balances. when a female (you) from a high part of the female social hirearchy dates men from a lower portion the lower males are used to being in a way attacked by higher ups. a lower male will thingk you have ulterior motives because he sees no reason for why you chose him when there are obviously males with more to offer you physically than him.
    TL;DR men are physical beings women generally arent. we dont understand wanting someone for just their personality.

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    • Is there anyway to change this way of thinking though and develop such trust? The second guy I spoke about I was genuinely into both emotionally and sexually.
      I know of a fair couples where the male is fair less attractive then the female but it seems to work. Is it like the girl below said? Have something to do with how secure a guy is in himself?

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    • Thanks this was actually very insightful. I did get the kind of hostile vibe from this guy especially when he made those comments and he was very confrontational towards other men when around me. Maybe he felt threatened?
      I never flirted with other guys in front of him I was solely interested in him and think that's disrespectful.
      I guess this whole things comes to down to the whole "you can't love someone who doesn't love themselves" kind of thing.

    • most definitely it feeds directly into the cognitive and humanistic approach which are heavily influenced by sociocultural psychology. he would have to physically change himself if he wanted to feel better. looks like you're going to have to get him to get into shape.

What Guys Said 2

  • Hot girls without hot girl attitudes are the best.

    "I know of a fair couples where the male is fair less attractive then the female but it seems to work. Is it like the girl below said? Have something to do with how secure a guy is in himself?
    Because he has confidence, and women like that. He could be funny too. women seem to like that too. He might even have great social status, be very well liked by his community. Women are much more complicated when it comes to choosing their mates. For a man that isn't handsome or confident, or funny or has social status to boost, he becomes suspicious of hot girls showing interest in him.
    How to change that? Why would you want to?
    Since your hard work paid off, why not enjoy it?

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    • Thanks for your input. I guess what I am having trouble rationalising is the fact that someone could see me as being untrustworthy. When I was larger I never had this problem and I still feel like I am the same person so it kind of baffles me.

    • Well, you are. But that's sort of the problem. To men you aren't.

  • How do you not feel resentment? How do you feel their interest in you is genuine knowing they wouldn't have given you the time of day before the outside changed? It just feels like they don't like you for you. I ask because I dealt with the same thing, and when I complete my rehab and get back into the gym I'll go through it again. The best answer to your question I'd say is finding a guy with confidence and self-worth. He would feel he deserves your affection thus wouldn't be wary.

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What Girls Said 1

  • The guys who told you stuff like that are pathetic and insecure. Be happy you got to see their true colors.

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