Why do girls say that guys need to improve ourselves, yet when we finally do get serious about self-improvement, they think we're being narcissists?

It seems like girls don't like it when they see a guy actively trying to better himself, even though they may have implied that he wasn't good enough for them the way he was.

I was overweight for the first two years of college, and now that I've lost weight and am trying to get in great shape, girls I know accuse me of being too into myself. When I was fat, no girl in my social group would consider dating me, but now that I've lost the weight and go to the gym every day, these same girls call me a narcissist and a wannabe player.

It's like they don't want me to better myself or something, like they were more comfortable when they could look down on me as this fat guy who could never get with them.


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Most Helpful Girl

  • I had and still have the same situation--I was fat too. You just gotta be like eff you if they're being negative towards you you don't gotta stay you don't need that type of negativity in your life. You should be proud that you've lost weight and keeping up with your health and if they're really your friends they would support you and NOT be shittin on you like that!

    & for those people who seem to dislike you after you lost weight I had the same problem a lot of my guy friends either started hit on me but the guys who were actually really close to me or had feelings for me kinda hated me afterwards I don't know why but they just stopped talking to me so I feel your pain there

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    • I've wondered if some of these girls now are irritated that they're not "better than me" anymore, at least in their minds. I honestly think some of them enjoyed the idea that they were hotter than me and that I couldn't have them. Now that I have other girls interested, they seem annoyed by that rather than happy for their friend. Maybe they think I'm trying to show them up, but I'm not, I just want what everyone else has.

      Thanks for the kind words :-)

    • That could be a possibility^^ and absolutely I'm glad my words had an effect.

What Girls Said 5

  • I obviously have no idea how you act in your every day interactions with them, but is it possible you're not being very humble about your transformation? Looking at it as a "See, you didn't want me and now I'm hot and better than you!" kind of way? Sometimes when people get on a new workout regimen, they turn a little gym-obsessed and it can come across as being very vain. Particularly people in your situation, when it may appear that you're only doing it so that you can start playing girls, instead of just to get healthy.

    That being said, they probably are a bit jealous and threatened. No one wants to feel beneath anyone else, and I've noticed that girls in my friend group can sometimes get a little threatened when I've been hardcore into the gym/diet.

    All I can advise is to look closely at your demeanor. Have you been maybe treating them the way they used to treat you? Getting a big head and acting like you're a "lady killer" now? There's nothing wrong with reaping the benefits of your hard work, but be careful not to become the very thing that killed your confidence two years ago.

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    • I definitely don't act vain or full of myself, just the opposite. In fact, I've had so little self-confidence with girls that I've only asked two girls out in my entire life. I see a therapist once a week to work on changing my mindset and building a strong self-belief. If anything, I don't have enough self-confidence, which is probably why I continue to fail with girls.

      These same girls who treat me like a narcissist also tease me about not having a girlfriend and being afraid to ask girls out. It doesn't make sense to me. It's like, girls will tell us to have self-confidence because it's attractive, but the minute we try to build it, we're condemned as players. So we're either fat losers with no self-confidence, or we're narcissistic Gastons who are in love with mirrors.

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    • I think you're right. It just sucks because they've been my friends now through three years of college, and it'll be hard to make new friends in the year and a half I have left before graduation. Oh well... I guess it beats being treated like a jerk for wanting to better myself.

    • You don't have to stop hanging out with them altogether, just start moving away from them. I'm sure you have acquaintances that you see sometimes but aren't that tight with that you could start spending more time with. Slowly separate yourself. It'll be good for you I think.

  • It's great that you are getting more fit! You tried hard to achieve it and you changed your body. But don't forget to try to become better to all aspects of yourself, like learning new things, getting smarter, correcting flaws. Don't take those girls seriously, but also don't focus only on your body

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    • I'm definitely not focusing only on my body. I'm a college student, so learning is pretty much all I do.

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    • Thanks for your encouragement. I just feel trapped between not being confident at all (my old self), and trying not to appear too confident. I don't know how to do it.

    • Too confident are those people who think they are perfect as they are and not need to improve, or that they are superior to others. Confident is to accept yourself acknowleging both your advantages and disadvantages, while you strive to become better

  • There's a difference between confidence and pompous narcissism and women do pick up on it. Being able to approach and talk to a stranger is different to talking about how amazing you are and expecting everyone to kiss your feet.

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    • So you're assuming that someone who was fat and so self-conscious that he couldn't talk to girls is now a pompous narcissist who expects women to bow before him? Hahaha, that's a pretty big leap, and it isn't remotely true in my case.

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    • If you're such a negative thinker, you will always have this issue. If you can't take people's opinions, don't ask for them. What I said makes perfect sense to someone who doesn't feel so sorry for themselves and believes all women should be after them constantly for doing nothing. Read - www.girlsaskguys.com/.../a6577-do-nice-guys-finish-last

    • You're very arrogant, and you're not even trying to be constructive. You didn't read or comprehend a word I wrote.

  • Some girls just love to make others feel bad whenever they can.
    We call them BITCHES for a reason. Truth is they have their own insecurities but cover them up by pointing out others. Ignore them, they're not even worth giving a shit about.

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    • I feel like they are insecure, but I haven't told them this yet. I think that's why they need to feel superior to guys.

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    • I just want my "friends" to be happy for me and for girls to like me. It's soul-crushing to watch everyone around you having girlfriends and hooking up while you have to sit on the sidelines as an outcast. I really just want what everyone else enjoys. Thanks for your encouragement.

    • If I were you, I would get some new friends. It'll be their loss anyway. Or at least tell them how u feel,( if they don't already know). At least ur doing what u think is best for you and not acting like a bunch of school girls. And im sure u'll find a girl!! There are plenty of us out their!:D

  • They themselves are just sad and petty. However, just be sure you don't overly boast, because it can be assumed as an issue.

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What Guys Said 4

  • Here's the thing: when you are improving, you are almost always leaving people behind--they aren't improving. So they are subconsciously getting insecure, falsely feeling judged, and they become jealous. This is very, very common. It is not a reflection on you.

    You'll find that you are likely going to find strangers far more receptive to who you are now than people you've known in the past--people don't like to see that others have changed. So don't take what they say seriously. Eventually, you are very likely going to have to end some old friendships, as you are simply going to outgrow them.

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  • The girls who knew you knew you as a loveable dateless loser who was free emotional support and didn't have any self esteem. You were their fat friend.

    "It's like they don't want me to better myself or something, like they were more comfortable when they could look down on me as this fat guy who could never get with them."

    Well, that would actually be natural for them to feel.

    If they were really good friends, they'd be happy for you and cheering you on.

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  • they probably had a different perspective/expectations of guys changing themselves.

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    • Like what?

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    • As I said in other comments, if anything, I'm too modest. People who have been fat (and ridiculed for being such) for a long time don't suddenly become supremely self-confident overnight just because they lost some weight.

    • they might be jelly then.

  • because girls apparently just want guys to do things just solely for themselves

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