Do you really think it's right to say how you want the person you date to look?

I personally, don't I don't think anybody gets to stand there and make a list and check it twice and make sure they
look the way they think they should. Maybe it's because
I struggle with self confidence, but everything I do, I do
for myself. Because, I know when I look in the mirror
I have to be happy with what I see and I have to like the
way I look and do what looks best on me. I can't worry
if it's acceptable to men or not, because how I feel about
myself is more important then what he wants. That's
just how I feel. And, that goes for everybody else
as well. We have to be happy with ourselves first,
that's what matters the most.

I personally don't think someone gets a say in
a persons: Height, weight, hair length, hair color,
hair style, makeup (that includes lipstick and stuff),
jewelery, pirecings, tattoos, eye color, clothes,
shoes, underwear, perfume/cologne, etc etc. We
get to decide that, not the significant other.

So, what do you think? Do we have the right or not?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • It's not right to be controlling, but at the same time, it's naive to not recognize that physical attraction is what humans need, to a point, in one another and that it's okay to keep yourself healthy and make the best of your features, for yourself, and also for your partner as well. I would never leave my girlfriend if she, for example, got stretch marks or extra weight from pregnancy or if she got cellulite, scars or whatever - I love her for her. Yet while it's her personality that won me over, it's also that she's my type - a tall brunette with innocent brown eyes. And you know what? She likes me for me, but she also like guys with long hair (for a man) and a stubble. So I keep myself that way. She likes the way I look in black, and so I wear black often. She doesn't demand those things, I just do them 'cause I see them as a normal part of a relationship and making an effort and keeping attraction alive. There are physical flaws that she thinks she has, that I find cute. Insecurities that she had when we first met, that I helped her deal with. I think when you love someone, you help make them feel good in their skin, and you'll love them as they get old, but at the same time it's good to keep making an effort to be attractive, both inside and out.

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What Guys Said 27

  • Nobody gets to dictate what random people look like.

    But nobody is obliged to be attracted to anyone else either.

    It's up to each of us to decide how we want to look, how much effort we will put in and to what extent we will consider how it will attract the average person, or specific people.

    We also need to recognize that if we are in a relationship and our appearance radically changes it may significantly impact how attractive our partner finds us. And that has repercussions.

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    • what about aging, if your wife turns 40 you out? what about stretch marks from pregnancy, you gonna leave when your kid is born?

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    • @lonelylillie13

      I still find her attractive. But I don't think 'should' enters into it. Attraction isn't concerned with fairness. I think most of us with age become more genuinely forgiving of the signs of aging in our partners. If I gained 100 lbs my wife would almost certainly be less sexually attracted to me. Maybe we would have sex less. Maybe she'd be less into it. But it matters. You can tell people they owe it to you to find it hot, even though it seems like you do deserve it from your partner.

      That's what I was getting at. Any of us can get married, change our hair, gain 150 lbs and stop trying to look as good. Maybe out partner will stay. Maybe they will even keep having sex as often (though I wouldn't count on it). It's going to matter in terms of how excited they are though.

      If you care about that sort of thing you should put some effort in. Nobody expects perfect. But going from no effort to some matters.

    • *can't tell people...

  • It depends on how long you have been dating and how close you are. If you have been dating for a while and you are very close intimately, then yes, it is completely okay to request your partner to look a certain way, to a point. If it is a special occasion and you are wanting to impress old friends or co-workers then the least he can do is meet your request. Just don't ask to do it everyday of your lives. if he normally dresses in wife beaters and sweatpants it is also okay to request he wear at least a t-shirt and pants.(of course don't deprive him of an occasional lazy day).

    However it is not okay to demand how a person looks after a couple dates, especially if you haven't had sex with him, (sorry to get crude but sex is an amazing motivator, especially to men). if he doesn't dress in a way you like on your first few dates he never will, unless he asks how you would like him to dress, at which have an honest conversation with him.

    I have a personal rule in relationships that I feel applies to almost any situation. A healthy relationship is all about balancing what makes you happy with what makes them happy, this is how 2 becomes 1.

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  • we shouldn't be able to force them to look how we want but they SHOULD want to look how we want them to look... making your S. O. happy should be top priority for anyone in a relationship... if you live for each other it will make life so much better for both of you... have you ever wished your bf had a beard or shaved his beard... would grow his hair out or cut it short... would lose a few lbs or gain a few lbs... its important for men and women to want to be physically attracted to their S. O. and want to be seen in public with them... love is blind but negative feelings no matter how small can fester and turn a good relationship sour... it can put unnecessary strain on the relationship... ill change for you so will you change for me just seems the more logical choice... what are you willing to give for someone important to you?

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  • Of course our view of ourselves, especially women, is largely molded by the fashion industry. You may think you are only dressing for yourself, but the chances are you try to dress 'fashionably.' And YOU are not the one deciding what is 'fashionable', are you?

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    • Actually, I am. I don't keep up with fashion trends, I wear what speaks to me.
      Not what's in style, because I don't care lol. Most girl own like 3 or 4 pairs of jeans,
      I own 2 and I wear the same ones all the time. Girls own tons of shoes. I have
      pair of sandals that I wear all summer long and one of boots I wear all winter long.
      I own a purse and use it no matter what I'm wearing lol. Needless, to say I do what I like.
      I've never been a "follow the pack" kind of person.

    • You may be RELATIVELY less of a slave to fashion, but your selection of clothing is still molded to a large extent by that industry, even if you aren't AWARE of it, unless you're part of a VERY small minority of US females.

  • You can make whatever list you want, throw toys out the cot or go blue in the face. The truth is you may want a specific someone, but they may not want you.

    I personally have a binary system: Attractive to me or not

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  • Its OK to WANT certain things. To like and DESIRE girl who have certain features. But a man has to be a piece of shit to demand, ask, or even hint at how his girlfriend should dress / look. Did someone do that to you? You DO NOT deserve that. You are worth so much more.

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    • No, no one did that to me. But, that does seem to be a common thing on here and I even
      was at hair salon once where the girl told the styliest not to to take anymore length off of her because "her boyfriend likes it long". I personally find that wrong, hence the question.
      Plus, I was picked on badly in middle school and it left me with a lot of confidence issues.
      So, I promised myself I would never allow myself to feel this horrible again, once I work
      through my stuff. Which is another reason this dating world bugs me.

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    • As far the dating world goes, I gave up a while ago. I haven't had a date since October, 2007. So while I sympathize with your sentiment, I hope you don't wind up like me. I always wanted to find love and marry and have the traditional American 2.3 kids and a white picket fence... but I know I'll die alone. And that's OK, I've accepted it. Maybe if I had been somewhat good looking, It would've been different. But, at least I never 'sold out.' I never lied to, or been with a girl just to get sex from her. Dating, in general, strikes me as one big 'process of elimination,' you know? That's not to say I took it lightly... not at all. I treated every date, every girlfriend like they were my wife from day one. And it might say a lot about me, but I've never been dumped - I've always broken up with her. And, yes, it was usually for stupid reasons. But, my point is, before you know it, you'll wake up one day and find that 'looking for love' feeling isn't there anymore.

    • At least you've dated people, I've never had relationship before and I'm already 27.
      I've always wanted to be a mom since I was 7 years old and everyday I get older I hear
      my biological clock ticking. However, I have some things to work through before I'm
      ready to be a mom or even a wife. I'm trying to work through that stuff, currently.

  • Nnnnnnope, that's controlling and I don't care if I had a gf , except me for who I am or beware of your damn future cause I won't be in it.

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  • So why do women always seem to try to change their guy's clothes, hair cut, and appearance, when they become a couple?

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    • You know is kind of tricky because we chose a guy because we like/love him the way he is then yes we do try to change some couple of things but is all for the better of our partner

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    • 1) I personally am not in touch with "looking good". My goal is to be able to look in the
      mirror and think "hey you don't look half bad today". And, I do that for myself. Not for
      other people.

      2) No man should feel obligated to look nice when he goes out, with a woman.
      The fact that word "You need to look good" was in that sentence, is sad. Looking
      good should be a personal choice, not something you do out of obligation for another.

      3) I don't want a man that's gonna make me look me good or have other women ask
      "how'd you get him". I'd much rather have a guy who treats me right and who I'm
      attracted, but no one can understand why. Then a guy that every ones attracted to, but
      treats me like crap and doesn't give the emotional support and things that I deem important
      in a relationship. That's just not who I am or want to be.

    • 4) No man should go along with something he doesn't want, because the chick
      wants to "clean him up". He's a big boy, he can dress himself. So, she let him.

  • If i care about someone i will say my opinion about what i think is good or bad on that person, and expect that the person will take it on a good way. Also I will acept to ear what someone i like or love tells me about myself, clothes and whatever. doesn't mean i will do or change something but for sure I will ear, respect and accept an opinion. Thats nothing wrong on that!!!

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  • I certainly wouldn't suggest anything for a first date, I'd like her to surprise me on that occasion :-)
    Perhaps if I would find her very beautiful with a specific look I would tell her... and she may choose a similar look for a next occasion. But a "wishlist" is not my thing: I would enjoy her company most when she'd be feeling well. So her dressing up in something I like and she feels unhappy in? No thanks!

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  • Miss, I know a guy like that. He likes to control and micromanage the gal. He is studying to be a doctor. That bastard is so controlling he would want you to wear color coordinating tampons.

    http://www.thepaincomics.com/BoydOysterWorst.jpg

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  • When we are single there is always ideas of how we would want that perfect person to look like. The truth is that we will never date someone with all those characteristics we imagined, since they are a main construction of OUR MIND, a reflection of our desires. For me is selfish to go after that perfect person that lives nowhere else than in our imagination. No one is perfect and even if that´s the case I can only see my girlfriend perfect because of the love we have for each other.

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    • I agree, this is so true. It's never a good idea to have too many specific expectations of what you want your partner to be like looks wise, because in the long run you'll be let down!

  • To be in a relationship I just have one requirement in terms of looks; she has to be attractive enough for me to want to put my penis in her. Now there are other requirements, but that is the one that rules as far as appearance. And I'm not real picky.

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  • You look the way you look, I decide if I find it attractive or not.

    I don't tell you how to dress.

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  • I want to tell a woman to look, because how she chooses to present herself is part of how I can assess her suitability for the role of wife, lover and mother of my children.

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    • That should have read: "I do not want to tell a woman how to look. . ."
      Words seem to disappear when I post from my iPhone. :-(

  • Yeah, you have the right to do whatever you want. That includes asking your SO to do certain things.

    If the SO deems the benefit of staying in a relationship with you to be greater than the benefit of keeping that habit, they will oblige. Else, they will try to negotiate, or one of you will break up with the other.

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  • no nobody's got the right to tell you how to look no matter who is he/she ;-)

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  • I assume you are talking about if you had a girlfriend and you were going out to dinner and you asked her to change her look to suit you.
    If so then I don't think we have any right to change how our date looks (unless it's something that may potentially embarrass themselves or offend others and they are unaware of it, you may suggest a change). If you really like them, it doesn't matter how they look, as long as you both have a good time; there's no problem.

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  • Perhaps say subtle things in an encouraging way such as...

    mmm you look really nice in those xxxxxxx

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  • Of course I am allowed to want whatever I want from my future wife. You can call me shallow if you want but I'm not going to spend the rest of my life with someone I don't find attractive.

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  • No, you should be attracted... but not forming your own image of someone.

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  • No, I think that's rude. I would maybe mentally wish for better clothes, but it's up to them to choose, not you.

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  • Yes, do you go grocery shopping not knowing what you want?

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  • It's really quite easy. You can decide anything you'd like about how you look. Anything. BUT, other people can decide whether or not they find your decisions attractive or not. AND they are free to move toward anyone they find attractive (or away from anyone they don't find attractive).

    So yes--you have the right to determine your style and your lifestyle that will effect your weight and body shape. But you have no right to decide how other people will react to you and whether they find you attractive or not.

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  • At first no, you don't get to tell the person how they look. As time goes on and the relationship gets deeper then yes, you do have a say as your are a couple now. the more serious a relationship gets, the more you have a say. As a young professional, if my GF wanted to wear things that didn't fit a business dinner i would have serious reservations about her as she reflects on me at that point. It wouldn't be sustainable if she couldn't adjust her style to certain circumstances. I also wouldn't want someone to dress like they are 16 when they are 26 so i would say something there as well.

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  • Generally no but sometimes people go to some extreme and maybe shave their heads when it's not like them or they are trying to impress the wrong people so they dramatically change something about themselves. Otherwise, just let them know you don't enjoy something about them if it is an important aspect in the relationship.

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What Girls Said 26

  • Everyone has preferences and that's totally fine, but those traits that you either like or dislike should never dictate how much you like a person or be the deciding factor on whether you date them or not. I always said I hated acne on a guy, and always said that I loved that guys with long hair and nice muscle and broad shoulders. My boyfriend has all of the traits that I wanted, which is great, but he also has acne. I honestly don't even see it though, I love him so much, I couldn't give less of a shit about his acne. I wouldn't change a thing about him. Personally I think it's karma for me being such an asshole about acne before, but I do think people have the right to express their preferences, we just shouldn't not date people because of a certain trait in their appearance. I'm a helpless romantic lol, but if you don't give someone you're attracted to a chance just because they have acne or they're too short, then you're hurting yourself in the end. Who knows, they could have been your soulmate, and you missed out on that. So we shouldn't discriminate based on these little flaws.

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  • Well I can say we don't, it's not right to set standards for anyone, but at the same time, i'm a hypocrite for saying that.
    For many, many years, I've dreamed of my perfect boyfirend, and told myself that I wouldn't settle for anything less. He would he to be like this: 185cm tall, fit, 8 pack, sport lover, jet black hair, green or brown eyes, very nice face, has to be manly, a gentleman, his personallity would have to be the one of a player, to be popular, to be a very wanted guy, to be smart, intelligent, good grades, have a good familly, good manners, to be a familly guy even if he's a player, to love animals, all animals, be faithful, caring and the list could go on. Now... you basically get it... I've practicaly designed my perfect match, the things I would look for in a guy , I practically stereotyped everyguy I met and dated because I was looking for the special one.
    As far as real life goes, it's nearly impossible to find a guy like that and find him single. I found him. Yes. Every. Single. Trait. That i've said earlyer are found in my soulmate. And I don't know what I could have done in a past life to deserve someone like him, but i'm very greatful.. he's flawless in every way, mentally, physically, spiritually. So I don't know what to say about stereotyping and judgeing. It's bad to try to change the ones around you, and judge them by the way they look and I personally think it's ok to try and look your best for yourself and the ones around you, at the same time beauty is unique in everyones eyes. I got a say in what I wished for in a boy, but I also think I got lucky (especially becouse he wanted someone like me, too). Also, always try to be yourself, because someone, somewhere is dreaming of meeting someone just the way you are. And if someine tell you that you're not good enough, just leave. They are not worth it!!

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  • I don't think it's right for a person to try and change the person their dating's appearance or anything else because you date them because they are then and not some unauthentic person you try to turn them into. But I do think that if a person completely changes their appearance with too much makeup or is untrue to how they originally are, that you should try and understand why that happened and how you can help them be happy and not Act like they're happy while being miserable. That situation is different from a person changing their style or something for themselves.

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  • Well I have two standpoints on this- if you're not dating anyone, and it's just your standards then yes? because not everyone is attracted to the same thing- some of us care about how the physical qualities of a person we want to like, other don't. It depends really- if like it's in general I think it's ok to think like that- it's valid to feel that way, sometimes someone needs to be attracted to the said so person by looks and it's not that they're shallow it's just how their mind/ or whatever it is works. As long as they're not hurting people's feelings with this I see no harm in this, they're just preferences you know (and even with your preferences you might actually end up with someone who doesn't have your desired preferences- looks aren't everything)

    If this is when you're in a relationship stand point of view, then not really because i think in a relationship if you're dating someone you should love the person the way they are regarding their set looks- like i think it's stupid to control your partners looks bc it's not your body so why should you do that- yeah suggestions are ok but if they're aggressive then honestly you need to chill. Like who cares if the person died their hair red, you'll get used to it, who cares if the person doesn't have perfectly shaved areas- the small things don't matter in the end really. Like they're your choices- not theirs; if you wanna look nice for your special one then sure but it has to be on your own free will not because they told you to and that junk.
    This is incredibly long and I am sorry if you read this omg

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  • We absolutely have a right to want a person to look a certain way. It's called attraction. I'm not going to fake attraction just to save someone's feelings.

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    • I not talking about attraction to someone you see walking down the street, while looking
      for a mate. I mean, dating someone and dictating how they look. Like a guy telling his
      girlfriend she can't cut her hair because he likes long hair, so she doesn't cut it
      just to please him, even though it's not what she wants. Or, a girl telling her boyfriend he dresses
      horrible and then taking it upon herself to buy him new clothes that are to her liking and
      expecting him to wear them, even if that's not what he wants. I'm talking about stuff along
      those lines, anybody trying to change somebody to there liking even if that person doesn't
      need to be changed.

    • Oh. Well then I agree

    • Ummm... yeaaah... I have really long hair... and it's really difficult to deal with, and my boyfriend won't let me cut it short because he like long hair. Don't get me wrong, I also like long hair, but I also like short. The thing is that everyone said long hair suits me better then short hair. And indirectly my boyfriend influenced me in changeing my style (clothes, hair, makeup and thing like that).. I used to be a big tomboy, but as the relationship went on, he changed me, by telling me what he likes and doesn't... I don't know if its a bad thing he changed me, it didn't affect our relationship at all, but one thing I know is that I changed with him for the good, amd didn't lost track of who I was... So maybe a little change is good if coming with good intentions...

  • No lol
    I hate it when people do that. I grew up in a strict family with ridiculous standards for appearance. My parents would regulate almost every aspect of my being. "No you can't wear that dress, your ankles are showing. You can only have some T-shirts, you need to wear long sleeves. The design on that shirt will send you to Hell. No make up, ever." It was a pretty miserable existence.

    Can't stand it when I see someone else dictating another's appearance. Let them wear whatever the fack they want

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  • For me, I mostly think of how I don't want a man to look like. Though, looks change easily, while character is more difficult to change. If you are with someone you can't leave him becauswe he changed his looks. Looks are a personal matter, and sometimes we make changes by choice, while other times change comes from getting older or getting pregnant or sick

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  • To get rid of problems a person dates someone who's closest to their physical preference.

    In most cases though, other variables override that.

    Anyway, guys or girls who force their physical preferences on their significant others are cruel and deserve to be dumped

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  • I definitely think the time to share stuff like that is your bf/gf asks for the other person's opinion, then they should share how they feel. But out of the blue saying you should change something about yourself isn't cool, especially if it's something you wouldn't want to change. Now, if it's something little & might actually make you look a lot better, in some cases, I don't see the harm. Like my bf has straightened his hair before & sometimes leaves it natural which is wavy, so I told him that is natural wavy hair is my favorite.

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  • No. If you're not attracted to them, then why are you dating them in the first place? If you can't accept their flaws, then you don't deserve them. Would you like it if the person you love did that to you? I think you can comment on what you like about the person and be honest if you're not crazy about something they can change that's not a physical trait. (Like hey I really love it when you wear... fill in the blank) but I do NOT think it's acceptable to be like, " here's some colored contacts because i love green-blue eyes. I hate how pasty your skin looks. Your hair is too dark. Your arms are too hairy..." There is no perfect person. You aren't perfect. Each person has a different definition to what they find attractive.

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  • I mean I think its okay to have in your head what you want a person to look like. Its your opinion. Sometimes people find it unattractive when someone looks like they just woke up. But you shouldn't tell them "you aren't supposed to go out looking like a hobo" its their life. I agree with you its there life and wear what you want you ain't gotta impress nobody. But the cute guy next door you want to impress might not be. Not gonna lie If I see you don't care about your appearance every day/ most days, its a turn off for me even if we are best of friends.

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  • I'm have to add on to this not trying to change the person you're datings personality either.

    I tend to be very shy with new people and unfortunetly dated a guy who thought it was ok to critisize me for not being overly friendly with his buddies (most of whom I didn't even really like, but was always very nice and respectful toward).

    I've never tried to make a guy look or act a certain way.

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  • Personally, i think that when you decide to date or be in a relationship with something, you should be able to accept all their good and bad attributes. I don't tell my guys i date what they should wear or how much they should weigh. I may make a comment if I think he's outfit is hideous but I won't ask him to change it. When dating someone, I wear whatever I want to wear because it's my body and I have control over it not him.

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  • Hmm. No, I don't think someone has the right to tell you how you should look. I get told on the daily to take out my piercings, get contacts and lose my belly. But I don't care. I do what I want. If it's not hurting me or anyone then why do people bother to tell me how I need to be?
    Unless it's my boss... I'm her bitch.

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  • Absolutely not. The only choice you get to make is whether you want them in their current state or not. You don't get to "fix" them. And I think it's unfair to date someone with the intention of changing them. First decide what your priorities are and how much you're willing to put up with and then pick someone who fits those criteria.

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    • I got in a relationship with a guy who liked me for who I was (a tomboy) but told me I had huge potential, and in almost three years, he's changed me, made my apperiece girly, made me calmer, made me think twice before jumping... so I guess I got fixed in some ways..

    • He didn't set out on changing you, though. You were willing to change and did it on your own initiative. Had he started dating you and telling you things like "You shouldn't be such a tomboy", "I really wish you had hair like this", "You should be more feminine" etc. then that would not have been okay. Unless you like being constantly criticized.

  • Dress how you want, look how you want, be who you want and you will attract who you want in your life.

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  • Men asking me to wear certain outfits to parties, clubs & functions = I luuuuuurve it.

    Men telling me to:
    *change my lifestyle
    *aspects of my personality
    *remove my piercings
    =
    instantly DONE + DUSTED

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  • We might have certain requirements of our partner but when love comes that person might not meet half of it. :)

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  • It's okay to want certain things but you can't demand them. You just gotta' learn to be opened to giving people who seem cool a chance.

    "Girls want to meet Superman but pass Clark Kent every day."

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  • In theory, nobody should ever tell you what do wear... what not too... it's really not anyone's right. If you take care of yourself and you're happy, the other person should be happy too.

    And EVERYONE has confidence issues. :)

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  • Yes right you should be happy and comfortable with your dressing. Others suggest lot of things but at the end you have to do what you heart says.

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  • Your so right
    Nobody has a right in saying what another person should look like
    Even if he is her bf

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  • All u can do is suggest. Dont expect thay someone have to change to meet ur expectations.

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  • Depends on what the person looks like. If the person is unattractive than they shouldn't be picky about looks. I'm a good example of this. I'm not attractive so I have no right to say I want a handsome man. The only time you can choose what a guy looks like is if you can afford to be picky.

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    • I don't consider myself attractive and I used to consider myself really ugly. Hell I used to be really ugly, all the kinds used to beat me and make fun of how I looked, but that didn't stop me from dreaming and wanting a certain type of guy... oh and my I say that I wanted the most popular, handsome, smart, and perfect in everyway guy? Yes I did. Did I get him? Yes. Why? Because apperiences don't matter. When you're old and smelly, all that matters is the heart of the one beside you! So don't worry if you aren't attractive. If you have a good heart and great personallity, it's enaugh to win any guy over. Even the most picky one. I surely did.

    • I always just go guys who are in my league and they don't even want me. One of them was in his 30s and I guess he's never been with anyone. I thought we had a lot in common and we got along. So i asked him out. He told me I was too ugly too fuck. He said he wasn't desperate enough to fuck something like me and I'm gross. I am a very clean woman, I dress very nicely (to make up for my face) I keep myself thin and toned. I do hair but according to him I'm gross because of my face. He is extremely overweight and doesn't take care of basic hygiene but I was willing to look past that because we got along so well. So i don't think I can be picky. I'm pretty sure no man alive wants me.

  • I think that in a relationship where you respect the other person and you value their opinion, you might find your style influenced by your partners tastes and vice versa. If your boyfriend tells you "wow your butt looks amazing in those jeans" you're probably going to be wearing those jeans a lot more often. Similarly if he makes a comment about a dress making you look fat or whatever then even if you loved the dress initially, you're probably going to have second thoughts about wearing it out. If it's a good relationship you should be friends and be able to give each other your honest opinions, rather than coddling you in case they hurt your feelings. Obviously this goes both ways.
    And you can take their opinions on or you can leave them. No-one is holding a gun to your head (i hope) and forcing you to look a certain way. They can't, because you can always leave the relationship. You can tell them nicely or you can tell them not so nicely where they can put their opinions, if they're being a bully about it. If you're dating someone who is constantly making you feel less or bad about yourself then you should dump their asses and move on. Let them find someone willing to go along with their superficial notions.
    I think a good relationship should challenge you a bit, so you give as good as you get and become stronger for it. So you feel comfortable telling them your opinions on what they wear, without it becoming a comment on who you are inside, as a person (cause that's what counts) and not just the shell.

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  • People are allowed to date whoever they want
    Especially if they're hot

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