What are guys really looking for? How do I figure it out and what do I do?

Sucks to say that this year has been pretty shitty for my romantic life. I'm fairly new at this whole dating thing and it sucks to feel like I'm doing it all wrong.

I feel like I've always been the outsider looking in, listening to my friends relationship "problems" and thinking to myself that it was all so stupid. I promised myself I would never be that girl, let alone that person.

I feel like all of the dates I've gone on ended with the guy thinking that he was going to get lucky that night. We talk/text for days/weeks and it all seems great but when we meet up to do something, it's as if none of the past matters, all they want is sex. I've made the mistake of doing that once, only to get really hurt when the guy stopped putting in the effort after the deed was said and done.

I'm in my early twenties, I'm not looking for forever. I'm simply looking for honesty and someone who is genuinely interested in me and what I have to offer.

My question is, how can I tell what a guy is looking to get out of seeing/talking to me? How can I tell if he's only being nice/responsive because he thinks he's going to get in my pants? Is it weird, to ask a guy straight out if he's just looking for a hook up and is he likely to lie about it if he is?

Lastly, what can I say or do to make guys see me differently? To not just see me as another notch on their bedpost?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Wow where are you? jk
    But in all seriousness most guys approach women with the intention of having a sexual relationship, its almost biological, Man sees woman, Man like woman, man give baby lol!

    But sometimes, men need affection, more than sex.

    If you want to be viewed differently you need to look at yourself from a mans shoes, men will judge you 90%-100% on appearance at first, then he will think "i would have sex with her"
    Now if you are dressed with short-shorts and a crop top, all the guy is gonna think about is sex

    BUT if you are balancing on sexy/elegant he will romanticize about you

    Now after appearance comes body language if you show you are crazy horny thats what you are gonna get back, show interest but dont show that you have the hots for him. keep him guessing

    Finally, dont want to be a notch on the bedpost? don't sleep with him until he has invested in you, that way he has already spent a lot of time and energy developing the relationship and will not drop you after accomplishing his goal (every mans initial goal). this will make him want you for other reasons besides sex

    Good luck!

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    • Surely this helped.

    • Some guys that actually want relationships want sex too. They will leave if you are too stingy about it as well.

      Also, obviously if you dress like you're trying to get the D then guys will sexualize you, but dressing like you aren't won't stop that unless you come wrapped in a trash bag. Clothes don't matter so much as body does.

    • I'm pretty sure I need a guy to develop things though. Because if I have sex with him "too soon" and he doesn't do anything to follow up and keep consistently seeing me after, I am bored and ready to move on.

What Guys Said 33

  • It's really sad to hear about you being unhappy about your relationships. I have to disappoint you in one thing though: most of the guys (especially the layer types) ARE interested only in sex and nothing else. Feel free to hook up with them, but keep in mind one thing: a single night (or perhaps two) is all you can expect from them. How can you tell whether the guy in front of you is a player type? Just look at him, check him out more thoroughly. Does he look like he invested an awfully lot into his appearance (and especially clothes)? If yes, then you can rest assured that there's only one thing that's on his mind 24/7: me, me, me, me and nobody else. If you're really desperate for some sex, you can try them out, but they aren't too keen on pleasing anybody else besides themselves (not even their sexual partner) if you ask me.
    Then there are the player types who have this almost God-given ability to lure women into their bed, but aren't necessarily egomaniacs. If you can have a good talk and good laugh with them, chances are that they will be willing to get into a friends with benefits relationship with you. Sexually they'll probably be much more satisfying than the egoist jock types and if an occasional friendly chit-chat and sex is enough for you, you could try this arrangement. Don't expect deep emotions or loyalty though.
    The third type is the type that you might want to build a long-term relationship with. Many of these guys are really, REALLY shy, so seeking them poses a greater challenge. Probing with questions helps though. Such questions are also useful at filtering out the player types. If all they do is listen to you all the time, you can occasionally test whether they pay attention to what you're saying by asking subtle questions that are connected to the topic at hand.

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    • Also, most importantly you need to make it clear to yourself what are the things you like doing (e. g hiking, playing video games, cooking, playing some musical instruments, reading, music, what kind of music etc.) and seek out the kind of guy who likes doing similar things. Just a couple examples: do you like to play an instrument? Maybe listen to classical music? How about going to a classical music concert? You like to read? How about going to a library/book festival? Sure, these places are not the ideal places for meeting new people, but they are great for meeting people from your own niche. Plus I hope you get the idea (important is to go to places where you're likely to meed like-minded people, especially guys). And when you find topics you have in common, you can try probing how deep can you get into a topic with him. Once you have something in common besides sex, chances are that he'll be interested in you as a person as well.

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    • No. I'm saying that if he's self-centered, then he dresses WAY too well. I also tend to dress well (or at least clean :P ), but I'm not spending a fortune on clothing (and shoes), which self-centered douchebags do. For instance a guy spending more on shoes than any women does is a bad sign I'd say.

    • The same applies to make-up, haircut, waxing, hell even plastic surgeries. I mean I'm sure many men (let alone women) can tell if a man spends WAY more time in the bathroom (in front of a mirror) than an average woman does.

  • If you ask them then the ones who you are looking for will be honest, but the ones you aren't will lie.

    As a man I look at women this way: "If you are interested enough in me you will have sex with me earlier than you would with someone else". If she doesn't fall into that category then she's going to find someone else and stop replying soon anyway, so she's not worth your time.

    Women are extremely fickle. You all change your mind at the drop of a hat. It sounds like you're meeting these guys through online dating, and if that's the case, I doubt you delete your profile every time you go on a date. If you don't then for every guy that doesn't work out there are another 10 waiting to take a swing.

    Because you have so many to choose from (and these guys likely have similar situations) you've locked yourself into an "immediately gratification" situation. Meaning if you don't click with them immediately, you're bored, and if they don't have sex immediately, they're bored.

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    • Just because they're looking for sex right away, it doesn't mean that they're uninterested in a relationship; it just means they're uninterested in wasting their time.

      Regardless of anything else; the most valuable thing a woman can offer a man is sex, and the most valuable thing a man can offer a woman is safety. Because in our modern day society, safety is not nearly as big of an issue as our primal instincts would like it to be, women as a whole no longer have a single top priority in a man, but it hasn't changed for men.

      If you are looking for a man that does not want sex from you, you are looking for a man that is not interested in you. As cruel as that sounds it's very true. If a man does not want to have sex with you, you are essentially expendable to him.

      Pretty much there is literally no possible way to avoid what you're experiencing. Because as women's tactics to avoid being used for sex adapt, men's tactics to get sex do as well. Just keep searching

    • The truth hurts

  • What the hell kind of guys do you go with? You sound like the kind of girl that goes for the "jock" type. are you serious? you don't go for the player and expect not to get hurt. You want to get treated differently... go for the guys that are NOT what your set type is. I bet you have walked over tons of guys that want to put you on a pedestal to get to guys that want to use you as a doormat and now here you are.
    If you aren't like your friends, then you should be able to tell which guys want more than sex. and get rid of the "type" you have in mind. the person who likes you genuinely is usually next to you, not the one you are checking out via binoculars.

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  • 1) at your age guys are just walking erections. Men are driven by sex. So at some level, regardless of our age, we are going through the 'dating ritual" ultimately to get sex. That does not necessarily mean we are ONLY doing it for sex. I have dated a few women since my divorce last January. one i didn't want. It is really awkward. But I know from what my sister told me about online dating, and the stories I have heard, that it is really bad for women. 75% or more of the guys are either married, too young, wrong race, or flat out just want sex. So I know I am in a hole (not the good one) right out the gate. So I basically steer clear of any sex talk unless she brings it up. I won't even try and kiss her until the 2nd date (although I really don't count the first "meet for drinks" as a first date). I just act like a gentleman as much as possible to show her I am there to get to know her. BUT, I am still a man. Don't think for a minute I don't want sex. But I also want a relationship.
    2) Not all guys are going to check out after sex. Sure there are guys that are out there and that is just all they are looking for but that is not all guys. So if you really are skittish about it then I guess you can only steer clear of sex talk. Keep kisses to single ones or just a few at a time. No long makeout sessions until your confident.
    however, you shouldn't live that way. Life is a risk. If you really feel like you click with someone you shouldn't feel obligated to wait until date 3 to sleep with him. If it is the first date, so what? If he turns out to be one of those assholes then hopefully you at least get a night of good/great sex.
    Usually it is those of us in my age range that have a better view of sex and relationships that are willing to take that view. You younger ones, especially women, are still in this "oh I have to wait because he will think x or y...". Eventually you will do things for yourself and not worry about what "society" thinks.

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  • I kinda pity you girls. Problem is, both smart guys who want a girlfriend and players will want sex ASAP.

    Players want sex ASAP because, well, that's all they want.

    Smart guys want sex ASAP because they know after sex, a woman is more committed, less flaky, and their odds of getting more dates are way higher. It's just what works--if you don't get sex fast, women get bored/flake on on...

    And then women have a hard time knowing who's a player and who's just following smart strategy.

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  • me and you are in similar boats... Im in my early 20s and my first girlfriend just wanted in my pants and then just quit being my girlfriend 2 weeks later. My second cheated on me with a guy who I thought was a friend and we had a class together. I'm still trying to figure out the same questions you are. My advise would be make first few dates that keep the both of you active, whether its going out to eat and chatting, etc. Avoid being isolated with the guy meaning at least have someone in the area but not hanging out with the both of you. As far as how to tell what the guy wants... I dont know. Guys are douchbags. If I was interested though I would be flirtatious but keeping my distance so you wouldn't be uncomfortable. Its kind of difficult to explain since apparently girls can be douches also lol Sorry, hopefully this sort of helps and kinda makes sense

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  • I dont have an answer to how to tell if a guy is trying to get into your pants because im not the kind of guy whos like that, but i can tell you how to make guys see you differently. When i was in highschool, i had all these girls who pretty much laughed at everything i said, where always nice to me, and agreed with anything i said. This whole group of them liked me. But no one wants to date someone who they can't respect, and you can't respect someone who doesn't have a mind of their own and wants to just make you happy constantly and will do anything you say. Good Guys want an equal, someone who knows how to think for themselve, and doesn't always agree with everything that they say. Thats why the only girl i ever dated in highschool was kinda a deva, because she seemed like the only one who thinked for herself, and that attitude is attractive. You want guys to notice you, act like their equal, and dont be like the little puppy that they will end up just kicking around.

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  • guys have the same problem, my solution is to just give up on trying to have a relationship all together, having friends is more then enough. we were all brought up thinking that falling in love was the most important thing, but it's not. it's sorta a waste unless you find the perfect person for you. my parents divorced when i was three or something. my dad found someone new and married her and they do argue a lot and at times it seems like they don't want to be together. my mom on the other hand is and has been engaged to someone for 11 years i think, they dont want a wedding, they never argue, they are very happy together. the perfect couple. I for one have realized over time that i dont need or want sex, a GF, love from somebody (other then family) and/or a relationship. (although not wanting a gf already explained that.)
    FOREVER ALONE is what i WANT to live by. i may be depressed, or happy (can't tell, maybe im just bored) but everybody is different

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  • Most guys your age (less as you get older) want only sex. There's no easy way to tell in the beginning.

    You could ask guys from the get go. Even then some will lie. You just gotta keep knowing what you want and believing that, then you'll attract what you want.

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    • Guys my age only want sex too.

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    • Well then the same for my pic. No indication of wanting to only have sex.

    • That escalated rather quickly. @divaprincess. Have a good life.

  • First of all you need to know that compatibility in the bedroom is everything. If he does all you need BUT there is one thing he misses, you know you will look for it somewhere OUTSIDE of your home so that is the start of the rocky road. That means, sweet lady, you have to be that good to him too. If he wants you to suck it for him, you must do it. If a swallow is his need, do it, learn how. Stand your ground, if you want a good licking, make him do it. Now you begin to see that it is all very basic, if you get the bits and pieces right all the rest falls into place and would you believe, men and women are designed so that all the "bits" really do fit. Now, you have set yourself an unwinable task. People are NOT honest but try me, shame I am 66 but that is why my advice may seem so shit hot. Do not grab for that which is out of your reach BUT do set your targets high. If we shoot for Mars but we really want to hit the moon, the target was a good one. Email me if you want to talk more, same user name and AT yahoo. co. uk (I live in England). Take care, I feel you are a good person, hope we will be friends.

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  • It seems to be en vogue not to have serious relationships nowadays. Most opting for hookups, the romantics amongst us unable to keep up with the changing landscape. In western society the dynamics of pair bonding is undergoing much upheaval as is our whole way of life, thought processes, moral judgment. Is it the cause of the change or an effect? The technological revolution has had a major effect on our way of life.. coupled with vanishing traditionalism and greater immigration (uk).
    To answer your question there is no true way of knowing if your date has honourable intentions. Is he right or wrong for just wanting to copulate. You will truly know by getting to know him in person (not via media), getting a vibe for him, not putting out on the first date, make him wait. If you still proceed to have sexual relations after this this testing period good luck, and your social status will be UN-sullied. Then that is a whole other argument - why can boys be promiscuous.

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  • At your age not much. Try meeting guys in church. Lots of churches these days have singles groups

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  • Be thankful that you are female , it's FAR easier for a girl to get a guy than vice versa , us guys have to bring far more to the table in order for you ladies to accept us , but remember a lot of decent guys will NOT approach women due to being either vicously rejected ( you ladies are more often than not incredibly mean & nasty to a lot of guys , appreciate there are also dickhead blokes too , but young women especially seem to radiate such hostility ) or had relationships with crap women. From a female perspective , males are cursed with a far higher sex drive than females due to testosterone levels which can lead us to want sex quickly , no longer the case with me now , but was in my teens - twenties , so this is pure hormone driven behaviour , most guys do not intend to be pricks... but some sure are !!

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  • Hate to break it to you but most guys in late teens/early twenties are primarily interested in sex. You may have to date a little older if you want a LT relationship.

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    • That's correct. Basic biology at work , peak testosterone years for a guy so sex is goal # 1 , they simply cannot help it !!

  • Sadly most of us men are narrowed into two cookie cutters. The Hot guys who only want sex and WILL approach you, and the Average looking guys who don't just want sex but are too scared too approach you. Hope that helps.

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    • Sad but true.

    • You can't generalise all hot guys to just want sex and emotionless psychopathic sex machines... just saying

  • When you meet up, where are you meeting? How are they trying to initiate sex right away?

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  • What guys what from a women is girl who is not a ho the lower the count the better and somebody who makes our lives easier.

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    • Maybe if guys want girls with low numbers they shouldn't constently try sleeping with them.

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    • Ehh, if men want to get married they shouldn't be a hoe. The highway goes 2 ways hun. No girl likes a guy with a high number, if a guy tells me he is over 10, it turns me off and honestly disgusts me.

    • More women want to marry so ehhits a buyers market.

  • Some guys are looking for easy sex, while others look for long-lasting happiness. You want that second group. Believe it or not, that second group is more common than you would think.

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    • yea right, I believe that but that's your opinion

    • No, really. Most guys who are douchebags really don't want a relationship but really want sex. With most guys however, they look for a relationship with sex. They want a relationship. They don't want to be alone when they go to sleep or wake up in the morning.

  • Quote: "Lastly, what can I say or do to make guys see me differently? To not just see me as another notch on their bedpost?"
    Wear dresses. Don't wear blue jeans and t shirts. They make you look easy. If you dress like a guy you're going to be treated like a guy.

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  • I am looking for love, sec, fun and everything. What i want from a girl is HERSELF. If you are someone else, if you think like someone else some you ll be tired, bored and things will go wild... you ll surelly split up in best case. So... please girls be your self from the beginning. thank you :)

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  • you use the word SUCKS A FEW TIMES, YOU ANSWERED YOUR OWN QUESTION, THEY WANT A WOMAN WHO IS NOT AFRAID TO BE EXPLORATORY WITH SEX, i MADE THE MISTAKE OF MARRYING A PRUDE, TAKES IT BUT won't GIVE IT. NICE EH.

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  • Do what you think is wrong.

    Go for the guy who you whould otherwise reject.

    Dating only handsome men will get you the kinds you're getting.

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    • That isn't fair. Nice looking people are looking for love too. Being "ugly" doesn't make a person automatically desperate or attainable.

    • You can look at me for e. g.

      But they won't cheat; but that's what you see around you know. The reason why you're getting these kind of guys is cause what you're thinking is wrong.

      If you want a serious relationship, you got to lower your standards.

  • we want a blowjob then hard anal sex. some guys want a relationship though when they completely give up on getting laid and become defeated broken soul destroyed men. all men pretend to be nice solely to get laid. if you see a miserable depressed man he will want a relationship

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  • Women don't have much more than sex to offer to men, it's a simple biological fact.

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    • Biological or not there are guys like me who want emotional attention a little bit more than sex mate.
      Every guys wants sex. It's true it's in our nature, but there are some who want other stuff a little bit more than it.

    • There are other things that men wan't from women, but sex will always be the main one. If a man is within prime age and this isn't true of him, then he literally has a physiological problem.

  • You girls always have an advantage over guys because we all have cocks, so you could always use that power to draw in some good dick

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  • Tell him you're saving sex till after marriage. If he suddenly loses interest in you, he was only looking for sex.

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  • I suggest you ask him directly

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  • So cool and sexy girl im just turned on by yr Style

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  • Almost everyone I know considers sex normal on a date... or what I now know... they have sex and if interested, they date each other. My friend was going on and on about this girl, whether he should date her or now. Then he was so happy to have sex with her. I've been asking how his girlfriend is these days and he says she's not his girlfriend. They're just having sex. Honestly, I don't think there is an easy way to tell without it being too obvious. I always meet girls like this so now I just make my statement. I'm not interested in sex for some time at least. I want a longterm relationship. How about you? And usually no date happens. Which sucks... our society is just like this now. Best thing to do I think is find someone with a common interest, someone you can lean on and someone who can lean on you. I don't think I answered your question... so sorry for that.

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  • Sex, sandwiches, simplicity, serendipity, serenity.

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  • More from Guys
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What Girls Said 10

  • I think that a lot of guys, after they get past that initial physical lust that they all seem to have, probably want the same thing we do, A relationship that makes them feel wanted and a person they can share their lives with. The problem is getting past the lust part and/or finding a guy that really wants a relationship that isn't only about sex.

    To make guys I meet look farther than the bedroom, I let them know that I am intelligent, that I have intellectual interests, that I am good at what I do in my career. Of course it is a compliment to be noticed because a guy thinks I am attractive, but it is really a compliment when he engages in an articulate conversation with me beyond "hey babe, what's up?" Let them know that you are much much more than what they see. Let them know that you also have dreams and desires and great ideas. I don't know if this helps But I finally finally have a guy who engages me, not only in the bedroom, but also in the rest of life and it is wonderful!

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    • you are right, I can't speak for every guy but for me at least, the appeal of having sex was EXTREMELY strong in my teens and early twenties and it can be easy to pretend to be interested in a girl just to get that. However in the years following that, and as my hormones have settled down I'm not hugely interested in pursuing "just sex" and place more emphasis on something lasting long term. The appeal to just sleep with a woman has lessened and I'd rather have a relationship than a one night stand. Of course some guys will always be players but I'd like to think that most of us grow out of it as we near our 30's.

  • They are only used to MOM, who gave them love, also freedom to stray and discover other forms of this love in others. Ergo, they SEE marriage by example but they FEEL & appreciate only the love nest & ability to hunt for more of this. Hormones can turn this hunt into lust/sex easily.

    Most guys are wanting to shop the full package, just to be sure. Think how odd that is for a gal, e. g. you're at Walmart and see a great item, great price, photo on box, seal of approval = you buy it, correct? Maybe you're standing there deciding if this is in your budget and a guy steps up to also view the item. He then opens the box, pulls out the stuffing, then the item, then begins playing with it, almost to the point of taking it apart to see how it works, then puts it all back... not quite exactly as it was... then either buys it or walks away to the next item for sale that catches his eye.

    Now, once the guy gets anything he buys home, there it stays (unless it leaves on its own)
    Once the gal gets hers home, she may decide to spend the time/effort to return it... aka kick it out!

    There's no stinking notches here - some little boys need to claim relationships as these for their sagging ego or poor status bolster in their group.

    How To?
    Since they ALL want to dip their stick in your honey hole... only the ones that respect you enough to want to keep their visiting privileges will wait until you pull that trigger, so again it's the wheat vs chaff waiting period that separates most of them
    I found that it's best NOT to advertise what you're shopping for, as this just allows the chameleons to change colors to suit their lust goals; it's better to simply be vigilant to what they like/act/attracted to, then silently shop those further that seem to be on the same beam as I

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  • Sounds to me that there's nothing "wrong" with you. And unless you're referring to men you spend a lot of time with (colleagues, classmates, friends) there isn't really anything you can do to make them see you differently. But it sounds to me like you go on plenty of dates, they just haven't turned out to be anything. Which sucks, I know, but it's not nothing. Perhaps you're just looking in the wrong places for guys? I'm southern, and my Dad has always told me to never bring home to the family a guy I met in a bar. LOL
    There's technique in dating, but also there's a lot of luck involved. And some people just walk in the light, ya know? If you say you talk/text for weeks, I'm assuming that you're into online dating? That's totally fine, it is a great way to meet people. its how I met my current boyfriend.
    My advice to you, for starters, is to try to better filter out the sleeze balls. If there's a bio on you site, I wouldn't mention anything about sex unless it goes along with something like I don't do hookups, or something along that line. That way, if they read the bio, most likely the guy who just wants some ass for the night will skip you & keep looking. You might get less attention, but it'll be a lot less unwanted attention. Or even if you don't put that in your bio, you could always tell a guy somewhere along the way of the conversation or before meeting for a date that you're not looking for sex tonight or "this isn't going to go far tonight". Also, pay attention to the conversations leading up to the date. Anything suggestive. Also consider when and where you're meeting up with them, as that can be an indication of their intentions for the evening.
    With men these days, its best to be upfront so that you can avoid some awkward situations or heartache. Society today is already so open and honest about everything, why not be open and honest about how you respect yourself and want the man to do the same before intimacy. Hope this helped a little, good luck

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  • I'd suggest becoming friends with a guy first or dating one of your guy friends OR getting your girlfriends to set up a date with a guy.

    Those are the best ways to know a guy's true intentions... cause other than that with strangers it's easy for them to put up a face.

    OH and don't sleep with them at all until it's a relationship.

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  • Every guy wants something different. All you have to do is allow yourself time to get to know someone and really find out what they want from your relationship, be it to just be friends or to maybe have a really serious romantic relationship.

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  • I'm going through the same thing. Can't seem to find a man who is interested in a 'real' relationship rather than a brief hump n' dump.

    I'm gonna skim through the replies here & hopefully find something useful.

    Good luck, OP :(

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  • Honestly, I think you need to focus on yourself first. Find what makes you happy and be confident in yourself! Then guys will definitely be attracted to your confidence and want to get to know you!

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  • We'll I guess I guys is looking for a girl who is caring someone who cares about what they where... Aka I think

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  • Stop looking the right guy will find you he is out there stop with these jerks

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  • Tell him you are looking for honesty anad he'd be doing no favors by lying and pretending. Remind him that you are looking for a parterner who will tell the trurth, right away...

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