My pickiness with the opposite sex has kept me from dating for the past 2 years. Is this natural or do I need to change?

So here is a little background story; I'm 23, I've been single for the past year and a half. My most recent relationship was awful. It ended in September 2013, we were together for 2 years. I went through a lot, it was my first serious relationship and he was my first love. Everything ended really badly and I was hurting through the entire time we were together and for quite a while after we broke up. But I can confidently say that I have recovered and I'm older and wiser and definitely learned from my mistakes and in a pretty good place and know what I want now.

But the problem is I have gotten EXTREMELY picky since my last relationship ended and the reason is because before dating my ex I wasn't picky AT ALL!!! I was very open to getting to know someone and I mean my guards were completely down but I am very guarded now. I want a good relationship but I CANNOT stop nitpicking and pointing out flaws. Or another thing I do is kind of picture my future with whomever I'm talking to or maybe someone who has shown interest in me, and when I picture it I always picture the worst, in my head I'm like "oh he'll just cheat on me" or "his family will probably hate me" or "he will be one of those guys who will want too much time of his own or with his friends and won't take me anywhere with him" or "he will never make me feel special, he just wants a pretty girl on his arms" I'm just SO negative!!! As much as I want it I create these thoughts to prevent it from happening because the through of EVER being hurt the way I was again is... terrorizing. I never want to be that weak and vulnerable again. I want a relationship that's going to last I'm so sick and tired of humiliation and feeling down on myself. I have tried dating and it never gets too far because I am so afraid and I know I have to let my guards down but it's absolutely impossible after everything I went though WHY ON EARTH would I ever put myself in a situation like that again?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • There are many issues here. First the dating and mating game is tough. Risk and vulnerability are unavoidable. Second, we are humans and we ALL have flaws. You can be picky, right up to the point where you are getting ridiculous about it. Third, you may want to talk to a therapist. it seems like you really got hurt and it is affecting your judgment about the opposite sex.

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    • I will never talk to a therapist about anything because 1) it's a total waste of my money and time and 2) that therapist is JUST another person, he/she is not god.

      But yes my judgement of the opposite sex is really fucked up. When I see my friends bfs do something sweet for them I don't understand it. I don't know why guys would ever waste their time being god to women. I believe they should all be playing us, well not that they SHOULD but that's all that they would want to do. I dont understand why a man would even ever desire a woman. I just don't get it. I don't know why a man would ever be attracted to me and truly want something with me

    • Therapists are not god but it can help for sure. They are not all evil. I went to see one for depression. Your comments... " I believe they should all be playing us, well not that they SHOULD but that's all that they would want to do. I don't understand why a man would even ever desire a woman. I just don't get it. I don't know why a man would ever be attracted to me and truly want something with me" are REVEALING. You still don't think you need help?

What Guys Said 3

  • I don't think you're picky i just think you've fallen into the trap of beliving your relationships should be perfect. It's not your fault, tv, crazy feminists and shitty rom-coms have fucked up your perception of men and now (because people think they're the stars of their own shitty rom-coms) you're petrified of even taking someone at their word.
    There's so many women with this problem now i really worry about the future of western culture.

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    • I would have to agree with u. I think that I have created this obsession with having the perfect relationship but at the same time I am not willing to give ANYBODY a chance at all.

      I have been told by my friends and mom and sister and family members I give off very bad signals to the opposite sex. I come off as VERY guarded and closed off & I can understand why my phone isn't blowing up with text messages from guys wanting to take me out lol but I can't help it. Even if I'm open to giving someone a chance how can I when I'm not getting approached by anyone in the first place.

      Another thing I've noticed is the way men talk to me, even if its just a casual convo at Starbucks or at work or in class or whatever. It is SO strange. They DO NOT flirt, they are timid & odd & I just don't get it. I feel so self-conscious wondering why theyre like this towards me & I just want to end the conversation ASAP & just leave. I see guys flirt with other girls & it never happens to me..

    • So you're coming off as a bitch? Well that's a problem you'll have to figure out how to fix yourself. But yeah, you're never going to have a perfect relationship, sometimes you're going to get hurt and by sabotaging every potential relationship you're missing out on the dizzying highs of what life can bring.

  • Being mature isn't picky. If you judge guys purely on looks then yes you do have issues

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    • Well it's not just looks... but looks are important to me I have to be physically and sexually attracted to someone I'm with...

    • But it isn't like the planet isn't cover with ugly people though :P What I'm saying looks shouldn't be your most worried thing. I could understand if you dodging yellow teeth, dirty or fat people. Seriously looks are irrelevant if the guy is an asshole.

    • Okay I agree with you. I would never want to date a really hot guy who's a jerk but also, I REALLY dread the idea of dating the sweetest and most amazing guy on the planet but who's just not good looking...

      You know it's like you said, You can't cancel out being an asshole by good looks so we can't really cancel out being unattractive with an amazing personality. at least I can't.

  • It's normal. Men sexually desire women more than the reverse, so women are always more picky.

    However, men will only marry one woman at a time, which results in many older women feeling like they got the short end of the stick in their later years. This is because many of the women that men sleep with are not women that they would marry.

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    • What you said up there is my BIGGEST feat in the whole world!!!

      Being 40 and just MISERABLE!!! That's why I seriously have considered never getting married and just going to a sperm bank at age 30 and having one girl and living my life that way because the thought of being 40 and divorced and having to date... scares the shit out of me.

    • Well, you reap what you sow. Good luck

What Girls Said 3

  • never settle. just figure out a better way to meet the kind of guy you truly want.

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    • actually, you should calm down a bit. I skimmed through at first. maybe you should speak to a counselor to help you get over your ex.

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    • I have talked to others. I feel like they are sick of me and sick of hearing the same old story. I see my mom and my sister and my friends and everyone just thinking "STFU" so I don't want to talk about it anymore. I've just learned to deal with it. This is my life.

    • talk to those who have actually been there. they don't understand.

      but you're right, it's your life. do what you want.

  • Don't change
    Pickiness is good

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    • Thank you. I believe so too.

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    • @thewanderingme I don't hate every man I meet. I just think that they're better off with other women. I don't see myself with anybody.

    • Don't listen to her girl

  • Omg you situation is similar to mine.. Before I met my **wonderful**boyfriend I was single for almost 2 years and was still getting over my past relationships.. I thought I would never find a good man, but when I met him I realized THEY (good men) do exist.. Just be patient ONE day you will meet a man who will sweep you off your feet and you'll be thankful you got rid of the bad guys first because then You'll have a good guy...
    Good Luck

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    • well thanks. But here's my problem if a guy tries to "sweep me off my feet" I will automatically assume he has a hidden agenda because clearly I have issues... and no guy wants to get serious with someone who thinks that way, who's first thought when he does something nice for her is "what do you what? why did you do this? what are you trying to get out of me" rather than "thank you! you're so sweet"

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    • I have been single for over a year. And honestly i was even single when I was dating my ex because we were never even a couple. The whole time we were together we were fighting and trying to "work things out" so I was basically single. I never did couple things with him, I never went on trips with him, I never got cute surprises. I was always just waiting... but I eventually got tired and ended. So yeah technically I have been single for 5 years. I haven't had male attention in 5 years. I haven't felt desired for 5 years. I haven't even had a guy send me a cute text in... god knows how long...

      I feel like an old 50 year old woman who has gone through menopause and is just undesirable.

    • Wow you typing all this makes me appreciate my boyfriend a lot more *sigh*.. Just be patient in time you will meet someone and you won't feel like this anymore... Good Luck

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