The spark is gone, can I get it back?

me and my ex have been dating for 5 years. recently school and stress have taken over and he is stressed more than ever. he says the spark between us is gone but i do not think it is. Is there a chance that we could get it back in time


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Hello There:) Unfortunately, the everyday stresses of life do tend to spill over into our personal relationships from time to time. Males tend to see career goals & money as major concerns, as they are traditionally the "providers" so if he has suddenly made these things his focus, don't feel bad. The solutions that I have found to this are A. Simply Sharing- let your guy know that you are there for him if he just wants to share what's on his mind, what's stressing him out etc. and that you love him and are there to help if you can. It's not always about the relationship, especially if there are other pressing issues to be dealt with (school, work, planning for the future etc.). B. Rest & Relaxation- Try to fit some quality time into both of your hectic schedules, time spent doing something relaxing that you both enjoy that will allow you both to take your minds off of other things and just get back to connecting with each other. If he's too busy to plan something, then just ask him when he's free and surprise him with a picnic in the park or a nice candlelight dinner. The fact that he stated that he feels that the "spark" is gone but has not stated that he does not want to be with you may simply mean that he's disappointed by the fact that you both don't get to spend as much time together as you did before the new stressors. "Spark" to me is different than "Love". Spark is often associated with passion and passion sometimes takes work to sustain, especially when you have dated the person for a while. We must remember that when two full people join forces, there is plenty going on on both ends so its best to let the person know that you are there for them. xoxo

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What Guys Said 17

  • If you're referring to yourself as exes I'd say probably not anytime soon. He's probably feeling in a rut and is looking to get out of it. If you think there's a chance in the near future to fix it, don't do anything drastic. That will push him away completely. If he's move on at all, you should too. Even if you want him back

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  • Couples are supposed to compliment each other.
    If this isn't happening or hasn't been for some time then do what you know you should, split up.

    People can grow apart too as they mature, they may find a particular aspect to a relationship is not as important anymore, or that they're needs have simply changed.

    Just don't get stuck in something dysfunctional.

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  • From personaly experience its a matter of mindset, if he is certain that its gone then there's a very slim chance of getting it back. however you guys did get together for a reason so perhaps going back and doing things you used to do may get it back. maybe. If that fails then its best to move on

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  • The spark is not supposed to stay for 5 years. That's why its called only a 'spark'. You should be relying on something more meaningful afterwards.

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  • No. Sparks and chemistry are heavily reliant on chance and consistency. Once gone they are gone.

    That does not mean that the relationship will die but instead it has to rely on other things that are more meaningful.

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    • I agree that it doesn't mean that the relationship has to end.

      I do not agree that it is forever gone. Perspectives change over time and sometimes come back to earli r views. Don't try and force someone to start the spark again though. What's needed is appreciation for the relationship.

    • that's why the foundation of a serious relationship needs to be more than feelings and sparks and chemistry.. i always ask myself.. can i picture use both old and deteriorating and still madly in love with this guy. yes. because its based on the aura of his soul and who he is as a person, and what we become together...

    • Without a spark there is no relationship it's like she's the captain of a the ship and I'm the anchor she wants to go somewhere and I'm stopping her.. In other words you holding her back and the relationship won't progress. The spark is what makes a connection with your partner if it's gone the connection is gone.. Without a connection there's just lust.

  • Yes, of course. Married couples hit this at some point. Do some research on how they handle it. Bottom line though, it comes down to communication.

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  • umm why are you dating your ex? didn't you lose your spark then? and if your dating your ex, then doesn't that make him no longer an ex but a current partner?
    maybe you have lost your little spark?

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  • depends what you mean. sexually? if its sex yes you can get it back. get kinky tie each other up. use toys. maybe anal? ask him what his fantasies are. school teacher? nurse? dress up.

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  • Ex?

    Cut him off completely, don't talk to him and get on with your life, if he actually loves you he will miss youu and realize how much you mean to him. If not, it's over and you need to get on with life anyway. At the moment your feeding his ego by wanting him back and giving him everything he requires from you anyway.

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  • Yes just give it more time and u and him gonna use some effort to get it back be spontenous spice it up be unpredictable try something new and fresh to get his attention and if he bites that spark will be ingnited.

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  • go out for dinner and do something you both have never done togther

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  • Hell yes baby, but when has a spark of any kind ever been a Spark without a counter part... I mean yes but the problem may not be you. It may be the guy or gurl you were with.

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  • In my opinion, the spark is easy to re-develop.

    -change your appearance.
    -go out with friends and see how couples behave
    -have sex a lot more.

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    • Good suggestions for rekindling. I don't think it's easy, though.

    • The sex is the thing. You want to have more sex but to be honest the more sex the worst it gets because soon you get over the feeling you get from her and realise the sex is now worth nothing. Then you end up fighting and then sex afterward and you realise now it's not about the two of you anymore now it's just about the sex. You supposed to fall inlove with her not the way she looks and the sex if that's what you aiming for good luck because it's not gna turn out so great.

  • Try to make a little more alone time for you two.
    Also, start having sex a lot more. :) It's been
    working for me.

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  • You will discover a new spark. It is normal for this to happen after 5 years.

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  • no... he's definitely after another woman... you need to get out

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  • Why not give us some update on situation.

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What Girls Said 17

  • He's probably just really tired out when too much is going on with guys they just tend to back out of everything and push everyone away around them (like when they game or watch football urgh... lol), so i would try to spice things up if you want him back but if he doesn't... i'm so sorry it probably won't be the same way again.

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  • I think you have to watch for clues before someone says the spark is dead. Its hard to get it back once he already has checked out. Checking out emotionally means he is just no longer into what you had. I think the only chance to bring it back is to change something. If he is stressed them perhaps find a way to make life easier for him. Perhaps giving him space or/and you getting invovled into a different hobby or interest might break up the patterns you guys have settle in. Be spontaneous etc... mix it up. If that doesn't work perhaps he is into someone else or its just too late.

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  • Well, you haven't given up, but it sounds like he has. The last time I felt with this, the guy was already interested in someone else's. Of course, this isn't always true. You can always re-ignite the flame. Try going on dates and just enjoying yourselves. Sex also seems to be another option, since its so intimate. The only worry I have withy his is having a relationship only thriving due to sexual acts. Try being spontaneous and breaking away from routine. Sometimes relationships get boring because you never try anything different.

    Good luck xx

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  • Hey I don't believe the spark is truly gone since you have these outside interferences such as school and work. I think you guys have to find a way to pull through it. My bf of almost 6 years and I just recently went this. I knew he was going to eventually ends things after I saw how differently he was being from being stressed with work, and I with work and school. So I thought of creative ways to do things together, to make each moment uniquely fun, different; that he'd never forget. If you'd like ideas I'd be so happy to help! Just message me :)

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  • My ex said that to me, so I think when a guy says it he has already moved on... Did me a favor though since he turned out to be an epic douche.

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  • Maybe a break could help so that you both can relieve some of that stress. Nothing is impossible so you could get it back but for now I think you both could use a break for the moment.

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  • 5 years is a long time, it is possible it's over and done with

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  • make loving actions and loving feelings will follow :)

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  • In my experience, once the spark is gone, it's very hard to get back. It's either there or it isn't.

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  • You could try I recently saw a guy a liked ( a lot) a couple of years ago I never forgot him and I saw him at a yogurt place and he looked in my eyes and I felt the same connection we had a year and a half ago so you could try

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  • If both parties wish for something to work.. put the effort into it.. then it will. Don't be fooled.. recognize if you're becoming the drive wheel and running yourself into circles..

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  • I'm not sure sorry, seems kind of difficult to.

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  • yes give it some time and help him with the stress.

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    • i want to help him but like i dont want to seem annoying if i text him

    • ask him to go for a coffee or something be next to him.

  • He's being melodramatic because he isn't getting enough wild sex. Just my guess

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  • No you can't once something dies you can never revive it

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  • It's easy to spark in perfect, stress free climates, even random static electricity thrives in such
    but how can sparks fly as easily in a stressful downpour?
    Your ex has an IQ less than 99 and says these things either due to stupidity or trying to jettison extra cargo before his ship sinks, for he is not man enough to bail out his boat or jettison other duties.
    He's choosing "stuff" over you (again?), so is this your ideal life going forward?
    You have been used for sex?

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  • You can definitely get it back... This is a very normal thing. Problem is, it takes two and it sounds like he's already given up :(

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