Is my girlfriend right to be annoyed with me?

The other day my girlfriend asked me to look at a message on her phone (some work thing) and I saw that she very quickly deleted a message before she showed me. Being an iphone this meant she deleted the entire chatlog and who it was with.

I didn't think anything about it at the time but later I realized it was still on my mind so I decided to just ask her why she had deleted the message. She said it was just some spam message and although she didn't get angry it has felt a bit strained for the last two days. Did I overstep a line by asking?

My intention was simply that it was most likely nothing and I was therefore making an internal issue out of nothing so I should just clear it up and stop worrying. However I realise it might have seemed paranoid and showed a lack of respect and trust.

Just for a bit of background though she has always been in regular contact with an ex boyfriend and she has always kept it fairly hidden. That is she has deleted it from the messaging service on her mac which is synced to her phone (where I would, without snooping, regularly see the messages on there and she didn't delete other message from friends) and I once asked who she was messaging (when I knew it was her ex) and she sort of shrugged it off as no one. I'm not really concerned about her cheating because that would logistically be difficult and I assume she only did that for my benefit but I've never actually mentioned it for fear of coming across clingy, jealous and controlling although it does annoy me quite a bit since it is fairly frequent. I also realise that this is probably why I asked her.

Thoughts?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • My bf and I have a rule - if either one of us ever wants to go through the others phone, it's completely open. I had some trust issues in the past and every once in awhile Id notice him texting his ex - which was not okay with me - so eventually I realized that being frustrated silently over it was doing nothing. One day he was texting her and I just said "who are you texting?" And he told me, so I said "you know, it's sort of inappropriate to be texting your ex when you're spending time with me." And so he let me read the conversation to show that it was nothing. After that we decided everything is open whenever and just knowing that he'll let me go through his phone at any time is enough and I've never actually asked to go through it, nor has he for me.

    You might just need to establish that you know it's him she's texting and it's not really okay with you (it shouldn't be, anyway)

    You definitely haven't crossed a line. If she gets really mad at you over this it's probably because she's guilty of something - because sneaking around and texting your ex, while not cheating, is still really not okay if you have to be sneaky about it.

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What Girls Said 2

  • You have very right to feel that way.
    She is being sneaky.

    She should be annoyed at herself for not being more honest.
    It seems as if she is hiding something.
    If she was having in innocent conversations, why would she feel the need to delete their dialog?
    I would tell her if she wants him, go have him !
    You're not being jealous or insecure, you're just being aware.
    You do not want to be played for a fool.

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    • *an innocent

    • I'm not really suspicious of her at all. She must have been in regular contact with her ex for years and while she did delete the messages from places I would easily see she never hid them exactly. If I wanted to I could have gone through her phone and read them (assuming she didn't delete the more suggestive ones). She is a bit too nice a lot of the time and texting an ex to placate him instead of upsetting him by cutting him off completely seems like the kind of thing she would do and of the few messages I saw, it was fairly dull stuff. I imagine she "hid" them only because she knew it would make me uncomfortable. As I said before she could not really cheat on me logistically speaking so that doesn't worry me.

      My real concern is that I may have irreparably damaged the relationship by questioning her honesty based on paranoia alone. If people think that I was justified in asking her then I'm not too worried. She's a reasonable person.

  • Asking a simple question is never crossing the line when you're in a committed relationship with someone. She is the one who has crossed the line by staying in contact with her ex like he is her back boyfriend. You should really just sit down with her and tell how you're feeling so she understands you don't like it. It is obvious that she's hiding something and not in the good way.

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What Guys Said 1

  • i can't tell if you crossed the line, but i would have been suspicious too!!! if it was just spam, why did she have to delete it quickly trying to hide it? im calling bs

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