Would you consider this sexist or gentlemanly?

So I've been going out with this older guy (33) who my parents are really unsure if... tbh they don't trust him and think he's creepy. But it's my life so whatever.

Anyway he really likes me and says he could see things going somewhere (I like him but im still unsure) and he said to put my parents mind at ease he wants to write a letter... like old fashioned saying what his intentions are, giving them info about him etc.

Tbh I really don't want this and it's kind of getting me annoyed. He said because he has a daughter he wants to put their mind at ease but I feel like if I ask him not to he should respect that. He wouldn't even agree to send it to my name instead of theirs.

To be honest it really pisses me off. He says he likes me because I'm experienced and mature but then he treats me like a fucking child. I feel like him and my dad might as well discuss my dowry. I don't like feeling like I'm other people's property and my parents made me feel that way my whole life.

I know I've given them reason to worry in the past... but this is none of his business right? Tbh I'm just thinking about ending things. I like when guys are old fashioned and respect my family but doesn't' it seem a bit sexist if I asked him not to and he insists?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • I have seen you around here, and you are neither rationale nor mature. You had somehow almost justified an action of a woman putting acid on some guy's dick by saying it happens in the Middle East. And you have posted a picture of yourself saying something like, this was taking when I was high. Also, maybe you should listen to your parents, they know what the fuck they are talking about. And don't come at me with the whole "it's my life I can do what I want", you're their child and you are fucking up, and they don't want you to fuck up.

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    • Lmao I never said rational. I said experienced. There's a big difference. Also FUCK you I NEVER said she was justified asshole. I said very clearly she was WRONG.

      Also I love my parents but they don't know shit. They're insanely protective but have also made me play mommy to them throughout my childhood. So you don't know my life.

      And it was pot... seriously? Even the guy I mentioned smokes pot.

    • I didn't say you said you were rational, but rationality comes with maturity. The fact you had to mention the fact that you were high during the photo shows your maturity level. You did imply he it was some how justified because it happens a lot in the Middle East, like because it happens a lot to women some how it isn't as bad. And they know much more than some 19 year old pot head who is dating someone who was almost in high school by the time you were born.

    • No they don't. My dad has even gotten drunk and apologized for my childhood and said they leaned on me too much. Then they turn around and act like they have all the answers.

      I said I was high because I wanted to explain why I looked so dopey

What Guys Said 12

  • sorry but i can't believe this dude is just 10 years older than me... he sound like the same age with grandpa :-P

    but anyway... why are you still with someone who treats you like a kid? he should treat you equally since you're both above the age of consent

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  • Is he the one paying for your plastic surgery? *eyeroll*

    Anyways, you should honestly figure yourself out first and stop the rebelling, be at ease with what you do and what you don't. The environment does not support this scenario I think, nor does this relation seem to have any basis. I never understood the whole 14 year difference thing in the first place, it's not like you have anything in common. What would keep you together, the sex?

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    • Umm no. I am. Jesus why judge based on assumptions?

      I'm not going to explain the rest because I don't feel like it. We have plenty in common

    • I have doubts, but you'll see for yourself eventually.

  • He wants to do what he thinks is best to smooth things over. I think you should let him send the letter. I don't know why you're so hesitant. It's not a matter of they think you are property, it's just showing respect to your dad. Remember he raised you for many years.

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    • Oh no and I love my dad and I'm glad he's being respectful I really really am. I appreciate that in a guy. But I feel like I have to go to extremes to get any kind of autonomy with them and we're finally at a point where they respect my decisions even if they disagree... and now he's undermining that.

      I trust him. I told them I trust him. I want them to respect that. I don't want them to communicate with each other like they own me

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    • I had a discussion with him about it and he sent it anyway. So whatever.

      And normally I don't mind that. If the guy wants to take the lead okay that's fine by me. But when my parents are involved it gets really touchy. And it's like... don't switch the dynamic around on me. Don't act like I'm so mature and experienced and "on your level" when it suits you then turn around and act like I'm 5. You know?

      Thanks for your advice tho Yadda I do appreciate it

    • No prob. Good luck.

  • Well till your 18 no matter your gender your parents do own you. And tell him if he wants to put their mind at ease then he needs to grow a pair and go to them in person and talk like adults. And as long as you live with your folks you gotta do as they ask and pay fealty to them. The guy seems like he doesn't care about how you feel though.

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    • They didn't own me pre 18. You don't own your kids. But they were psychotically protective and never gave me space to breathe

    • You feed them house them and pay for their medical. You own your kids till their 18.

  • Not sexist at all. Neither gentlemanly.
    I get him, but I don't agree with him.
    In my opinion, he has a relationship with you, not with your parents. So yeah, he's being disrespectful in this matter. And having good intentions does not justifies this.
    Now, putting myself on his shoes:
    I would speak in person not write a letter. Writing a letter is not a mature thing to do in this situation you describe. And as soon as you presented your objection in the way you did, I would drop the idea and ask how you want to proceed.
    I don't mind taking the lead as well, but as I said, I have a relationship with you, not them, (unless we get married) so it's not up to me to decide this.

    Those are the first thoughts that came to my mind.

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  • Take the pros with the cons and see if its worth continuing?

    I don't see it as sexist, just old fashioned and the dudes willing to prove himself?

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  • no its not sexist to me. He's doing what he feels is best. Though i think it would take more than just a letter. Personally, if i were him, i'd take your dad for a day out with me doing stuff, getting to know each other. Far more effective in my opinion

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  • The idea of sending a letter of intent is pissing you off? Maybe you feel pushed into a relationship that you may not want forever. Why so heavy. Making a "good" impression on dad so important. You know they don't like him. Sounds like too much. Read your own words. If you tell him (nicely) please don't do this. If says I"m going to anyway. Let him. Start looking for a new boy friend!

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  • I thought girls liked older men?

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  • What is "tbh"?

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  • This relationship won't last.

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    • Lol yeah... He's almost like a father figure to her!

    • He's mature, she's immature and they are both at different stages in their life.

What Girls Said 6

  • Not sexist, but also not "gentlemanly" (is that even a word lool). It's understandable that he wants to alleviate any parental concerns, but he's being pretty assholey (well there goes my grammar) by ignoring your opinions. If he's pissing you off that much, you're clearly incompatible with each other.

    Also sounds like he's being waaay too forward. Moving too quickly and wants something serious, when you're still testing the waters. Honestly, I can see you becoming a glorified babysitter in the end... why I always avoid guys with kids.

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  • Wait, he has a daughter, and is 14 years older than you are? Of course he sees you as little; he's FOURTEEN years older than you are! Anyway, I think you should date someone your age, and it is really creepy he'd want to write a letter... His intentions to do what exactly?

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  • He likes you, wants your parents to approve of him and wants to treat you with the respect that he'd like his daughter to receive... I think your putting your parents behavior towards you on his shoulders, when he just wants to do things right by them to be able to date you comfortably. Although, It's probably best you break up with him.

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  • It's not sexist. If he blatantly goes against your wishes it is disrespectful. It also sounds like he is looking for a serious relationship. Is this something you want? If not end it. Generally people with kids don't date to have fun/casual relationships. They are looking for something more and at 19 that can be a bit daunting. Are you ready to step into a step-mother role?

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    • It feels sexist. It feels like I'm being treated like a stupid little girl who can't make her own decisions. And I mean well.. he doesn't have custody so they live with his ex. If we were to get serious I could def handle his lifestyle

  • Are you thinking of ending just because of the letter or more reasons?

    It's definitely not sexist though

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    • I'm thinking of ending it because I don't like being treated like a child. if that's how he's going to treat a younger girl he should just date women his own age

  • Guys are really, really serious about getting on the good side of your father, if they like you. I guess it is a man to man thing. I agree, he should respect your wishes, but I also understand where he's coming from.

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