Dating after cancer... When should I reveal I can't have kids?

This past weekend I started using a dating app and I just don't know how to go about describing my cancer history on the description box. I am in remission and because I feel great, I felt it was time to open the dating door. The issue is that I can't have kids due to the type of cancer and the option of having kids has vanished. I feel is my duty to let potential matches know about it. But when is it the right time to let them know? Should I include it on description box (I don't want to scare them off right before they get to know me) but I don't want to feel like I am withholding information. I just need some insight, opinions, suggestions...


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Most Helpful Guy

  • You are 30-35. Most guys that you would be meeting would most likely be divorcees and already have kids with the ex wife. Unless you are going for really young men who may want to have a family, I wouldn't worry about it. If I were single and dating a woman in her 30's I wouldn't even think that she would still want to have kids.

    Do not let someone into your business unless you trust and care about them. I'd wait until you actually enter into a relationship with someone before I disclosed any information about my past.

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What Guys Said 29

  • Well... I don't think it is such a big deal these days, especially since a lot of couples are voluntarily choosing not to have kids. And in the future, if you ever want kids, adoption is still a viable option.

    You could bring that up once the guy starts showing some amount of romantic interest in you. But NEVER include that in the description box.

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  • I think you should wait until it's almost on topic. Like if your cancer gets brought up or if children get brought up, then tell them that. One of those topics is bound to come up pretty soon while your dating but not too far after your close. But yeah I probably wouldn't start off with it. Best foot first you know. And everybody has secrets they don't lead with

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  • At least before the topic of marriage. It wouldn't be fair to keep something like this from a perspective husband. It may not be a deal breaker. In any event it would be best for both parties to grow together and hope he will understand this sensitive and delicate situation and not let it be his deciding factor

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  • When it naturally happens that you talk about future goals and whether or not you want kids. Try to make it soon, because unlike wine and women bad news dosent get better with age.

    There are possibilities past that, if you are willing enough. If he's deadset on having kids of his own seed contemplate a surrogate. It could be possible he dosent want kids. He may be impotent and fearful of telling you as well, be it a disease sports injury or otherwise. Another possibility is adoption, a child would get a home and love they'd rightfully deserve.

    #1 thing you have to do though, remember that it dosent define you as a person. You are just as wonderful as you were before and you have lots of love and other talents to bring into the relationship. :)

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  • No need to put it in your description. Also, I personally think the first date is too soon. Wait a couple dates, and if start to think there's the possibility of the relationship going somewhere, then bring it up. I wouldn't wait until you were both heavily invested though, too much time spent for both of you if it ends up being a deal breaker. Best of luck to you in a tough situation.

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  • After y'all are actually dating (bf/gf) and he wants to know all the deets about your treatment.

    No need to hammer down the cancer thing and make them feel like they're dating for charity. It will come up naturally within a date or two.

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  • Most girls seem pretty up front on those sites. Most average or so girls it won't matter, get 100s of messages from guys regardless.

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  • This is way above my head to be honest... If anyone else here had your best interest at heart they'd say the same.

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  • After the second date. First date is a compatibility test, second shows your interest, third is where things start to get serious so between interest and serious.

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  • Be upfront with someone you feel like you could see it getting serious with. Most you'll go on 1 or 2 dates and then never see again so they don't really need to know.

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  • In my opinion u should tell that thing on dating site but in gud manner that no one will scare n about kids if ur future partner agree than adoption is not bad at all
    Life goes on if u r cured from cancer n happy about you
    U can write that u can't get pregnant Coz of medical problems
    Than in further chat or meeting u can tell them what was actually the problem
    Coz get cured from cancer doesn't mean u r not dateable girl
    Else u know better what to write n what not

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  • While dating and the topic of kids/family/marriage comes up.

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  • You act like that's a bad thing.. Most guys hear "I can't have kids" as "if we get it on, protection is optional".. That should be the first thing on your page..

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  • I think it would be fair to let him know whenever the time feels right to talk about children. This can change from couple to couple, but at your age I guess it would be within the 1st month.

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  • As soon as it seems it might get serious. It's not first date information.

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  • I think if you or he is wanting a serious relationship with eachother you should tell him. shouldn't be a first date topic but by second or 3rd for sure

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  • Tell them how much you love kids, and you would like to adopt, but can't have kids. Doctors told my mom the same thing, because her tubes were twisted, but here I am. And if he really, really wants children with you, maybe science can help you out down the line. Chances are science will help you out down the road.

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  • I'd say only when things start becoming serious and you feel it's good that you do.

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  • After a few dates, I think putting that you have cancer in the description box could scare potential daters away from you.

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  • After a few dates, good for you letting them know

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  • but you can have sex? if so, i guess there are a lot of guys out there, who donĀ“t want kids.

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  • He'll probably be thrilled I know I would

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  • You shouldn't worry about it. The guy will not mind if you tell him that or not and if you die he can go get another woman guilt free.

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  • Better do it sooner than later, some guys don't want children so it's fine.

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  • yes you need to tell him. but that you're willing to adobt

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  • He gets to bust all kinds of nuts without using protection? That's a plus!

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  • Just sayin', you're between 30-35, I don't think having kids was to be heavily expected from you anyways.

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  • I would put it in your description - just something short, like "BTW, I can't have kids." Because if a guy is dead set on having kids, a relationship with him will be doomed. It's a quick filter to make sure you get more compatible guys; you don't have to go into detail.

    (You might put "BTW, I can't have kids, but adoption might be an option")

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  • I'm sure he won't get upset.

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What Girls Said 10

  • Well depending on if you are or not- but you could put that in the future you'd like to adopt. You don't have to explain why.

    I had a novel about myself, what I want, what I don't want, deal breakers, about my life and past and where I want to be, and my hopes for a future.

    I never got a message saying I had written too much. And a few times I got messages from guys saying "I know this is a deal breaker about me, but won't you give me a chance?" And no I didn't.
    The great thing about Internet dating is... Who gives a flying fuck, they aren't in front of you, if you don't like what they say then block them and never hear or see them again. Done! You can be honest on the Internet because most women no matter what get sent new messages everyday. If you want to go into everything then you should, it'll weed out the weaker guys that can't handle it. I went out a few times with guys who said they were worried I might be a bitch or bossy or picky in person because I was so specific... But they still went out with me. They still wanted to date a woman who might be a bitch? Weird I know. Anyway my point is, do what you want, there will be guys who love that you're strong and you're not a quitter and that will value your honesty

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  • I really don't think it's something you need to put on your profile. That is REALLY personal stuff.

    I say wait until you've gone on a few dates and if things are getting serious and you feel like you can trust the guy, then let him know.

    If a guy gets mad that you didn't tell him earlier and thinks you wasted his time, then you know he's a douche and never speak to him again. Guys have told me I'm a waste of time because I don't sleep around. So if I don't sleep with them after a few dates they get really pissy, tell me they wasted their time, say other brutal things, and never speak to me again. Sometimes it upsets me, other times it doesn't. People can be nasty but don't let it get to them and understand it's a problem with them not you.

    So yeah just wait until you've had a few dates. Even if a guy wants to have kids, if he really really really like he'll change his mind. And adoption is a choice too. So many children with no families. Good luck

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  • U don't have to do it right away but u should do it early on if the relationship seems like it has potential to go somewhere. U don't have to say it in a way that makes u sound like u and him r gunna get married so ur talking bout kids, but there r moments in relationships where u guys talk about deep things and that would be a time to mention it bc they should know early on what they r getting into b4 things get too serious bc if that's a deal breaker then for both of ur sake it's best to have him know early on

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  • Let them know during the date. I would not put it in my profile but tell them maybe 3-6 hours into the date / relationship. Also are you willing to adopt? Or date a guy who already has kids? If so that could change the dynamics of the relationship.

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  • Please do not worry so much. Like others said, now not many couples would choose to have children. But if the relationship starts to get serious, you have to tell him about it because trust is the key factor here. Don't worry, you'll find the one. 😊

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  • You don't need to say that right away. You could wait a while... kids and marriage don't really need to be discussed that early on. And at your age, its not as if guys are expecting a baby factory (not calling you old but fertility takes a plunge in your 30s)

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  • No!
    You do not have that obligation, I don't think.
    Maybe the guy won't even care.
    There's time for that.
    That is very very personal.
    And, we love you.
    Every one of us.
    Heart to heart.
    So will he, if you give him the chance
    :))

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  • It's better to let them know, once if you find someone that you like.

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  • Lots of people are not even having kids... Population is skyrocketing as it is. I wouldn't worry:)

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  • wait till its on topic. adoption still exist you know.
    maybe say you had cancer?

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