I don't like getting into relationships with girls who have had FWB's before, or having a history of being with bad boys and players. Am I wrong here?

The Story:

I recently went on a date with a girl about a month ago, it was nice, she was nice too. But as we got to talking, she revealed she's kind of had a history of casual sex and being with bad boys and players.

I'm not going to lie, this was a huge turn off, romantically anyway. I still thought she was nice but when she said that I instantly crossed her off as romance material and only saw her as a platonic friend.

I didn't out and out say anything because I didn't want to hurt her feelings but, over the next couple of weeks I started going with her on more platonic outings and nothing flirt or romantic. When she confronted me on the subject I had no choice but to tell her the truth.

She uh... she really flipped out. She accused me of judging her harshly, which I can understand but, the truth is I'm NOT obligated to give my romantic attachment to anyone who doesn't fit my standards.

I don't get it, I'm not being a hypocrite here. I've never had casual sex, and I don't have a history of dating "bad girls" either, so how am I in the wrong here? I'm not asking for anything I don't possess myself. And I didn't treat her like a monster, we were still having fun and being very friendly.

Was I in the wrong here? She's hasn't been picking up my calls.

Updates:
Things to note:

A - I am not a "slut shamer." I never shamed anyone, nor did I ever belittle or insult her. And I don't think I'm better than her, we just hold different ideals and aren't compatible, that's all.

B - After speaking with some members on here, I've come to the realization that everyone is entitled to their standards. Some people are judged for things they COMPLETELY out of their control (height, facial structure), at least this standard is based on a controllable life choice.
I didn't know so many people like to cut a person off just because they can't be boyfriend/girlfriend. Apparently a bruised ego and some simple mismatched romantic ideals warrants cutting a person off entirely from a friendship. There IS a middle ground people, last I checked, men and women CAN be friends, even IF one of them was turned down. A person isn't evil just because they aren't romantically attracted to you. I learned this lesson, maybe some of you people need to also.
@Metlahead

Since you like to block people in an attempt to get the last word, I'll set my post here. Which, to be honest, isn't intelligent because it's MY question, so I make the rules.

"Damn are you still on this? Let it go buddy, no need to get uncomfortable over a different opinion. You can have the last word if ya want, but I'll be checking out after this response. No point in butting heads if it's not gonna go nowhere. I can tell an unproductive conversation when I see one."

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Most Helpful Girl

  • It's not wrong to have your standards, but at the same time it's good to keep an open mind.

    I've had friends with benefits relationships, and then I changed. People change. At least for me, it was pretty intimidating dating someone that was conservative and never had casual sex himself. I was lucky, that he didn't judged me on that. He saw me as the person he saw in front of him and not for what I did in the past.

    Again, it's not wrong to have your standards, but you should have told her sooner. It may have been a platonic date to you but she was thinking it was something more, when you had already made up your mind about her. Standards are fine, leading someone on is wrong.

    Depending on how reasonable she is, you may be able to salvage a friendship with her. That's a big maybe. If you get the chance, maybe you can explain it better to her about how it makes you feel uncomfortable. You never know, you might change you're mind. My ex, was clearly shocked and turned off by my history, but after getting to know one another more his feelings changed toward me.

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    • Thanks, I'll give it a shot. If she ever picks up anyway.

    • Exactly. This is what I was trying to say in my opinion.

      "If you get the chance, maybe you can explain it better to her about how it makes you feel uncomfortable. You never know, you might change you're mind. My ex, was clearly shocked and turned off by my history, but after getting to know one another more his feelings changed toward me."

What Girls Said 50

  • If you've never had casual sex, then it's alright to demand the same thing from your potential partners. I don't consider it "slut-shaming" and I don't think it's wrong.
    I'd never choose to be with a guy who likes casual sex as well because we wouldn't be compatible.

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    • Thank you. Dear God, I feel like I'm such a bad guy right now from reading these responses...

      I mean, I understand if I was being a hypocrite or holding some kind of double standard but I'm not.

    • Don't worry about it. You're alright.

  • I don't share your preference, but I don't think you're in the wrong for not wanting to date her. We're free to have our own wants and expectations, and it's certainly more palatable when a person's not hypocritical about it. So that's all good. Could've told her earlier, but yeah, what's done is done.

    I can kind of understand her not picking up your calls, though. Even if you didn't belittle her or anything, it's clear she felt judged and vulnerable, and she probably doesn't want to further expose herself to feeling like that. People want to feel accepted for who they are, and wanted. When it doesn't happen, we protect ourselves. It's also not easy to simply pick up a friendship where things left off when you want more than that and the other person doesn't. It's not merely a bruised ego that the problem, though that's there, it's hurt feelings and sensitive insecurities cropping up as well.

    Plus, it's much easier to get past rejections and move on when you're not around the other person. Not that the possibility of a friendship later on is nil, but it might take time and space.

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  • well as long as you judge yourself by the standards which you judge others on morally, which you seem to do you're not all that bad. I would kind of be careful judging people too harshly. it kinda comes off as if you lack life experience and expect someone to never make mistakes. you are a lucky one if you have never dated a girl who has treated you badly or done something wrong to you, but you can't judge someone by someone elses actions. basically, because a girl may have been with a guy who didn't treat her the best - you're going to judge her? no one typically walks in a relationship like "yeah I know this one is gonna fuck me over" lol

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    • Yeah, I can definitely see what you mean. A lot of people don't have that kind of foresight, especially at a young age. There's certainly a difference between someone who was fooled by a "nice person," and another when a person seeks OUT these kinds of people.

      I'm definitely more forgiving in my standards with the former, not so much with the latter.

    • @Asker, ok yeah.. if they are seeking out those kind of people then they probably have some other issues that render them incompatible with you. but I would be careful about using the terms "ever" or "never" because people can change and grow up. if she dated bad boys at 21 and she's now 28 then I wouldn't hold that against her because she probably wised up. not everyone is gonna make great choices all the time and people do fuck up in their youth...

  • So I am a good girl who lost her virginity in a stable relationship. My life fell apart and I lost someone important to me and I needed to find affection anywhere so I went off the rails sexually, you know the way, date for a month or so, take it to the next level and then they would ditch me... not my fault.. I had feelings for them and I thought they cared about me. I am an intelligent girl however looking back, my need for love meant I was willing to give too much.

    Do not penalize this girl for wanting to feel loved or being a little young to realise what she has done... She knows now and maybe you should have shown her how to behave in a proper relationship rather than rejected her so badly she will now go looking for the wrong thing elsewhere again.

    Personally, while I get you are allowed your own opinions and very much entitled to them, you never know what you may have thrown away. One day this won't matter to a guy and I bet he ends up the lucky one while you wonder (after growing up an awful lot) why on earth you let her go...

    Just try to see her side, you have hurt her badly and no matter whether you think you are wrong or right, hurting her was bad. Make it right.

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  • The only thing you did wrong was continuing to see her when you were no longer interested. Since this was a first (or one of the firsts) dates, you might have been better served to end it then.

    I don't blame you for desiring someone who values sex in the same way that you do. Keep your standards where they are; that is why they are YOUR standards. Everyone has the right to expect the same values from a partner as they themselves bring to the table. Not sure why anyone who likes casual sex would be upset by someone who doesn't. None of their concern, frankly. They can go on about their business and let you go on about yours.

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    • Jesus. Thank you. They get angry and say the words "slut shaming" when the truth is they're here shaming me for having more conservative views on sex (I'm not even religious, it's just how I feel). I'm honestly not even shaming her, I don't treat her like a sub-human nor did I make fun of her or belittle her. I seriously just wanted to continue on as friends.

      Talking about hypocrisy.

    • Ironically, you never even used the term "slut.". THEY did. Enlightening, really. A girl who has casual or friends with benefits sex is not automatically a slut, they just differ in standards than you do.

  • Dating
    I don't like getting into relationships with girls who have had FWB's before, or having a history of being with bad boys and players. Am I wrong here?
    No you can have whatever standards as long as it's legal and doesn't harm children/animals. I don't date ugly/average guys, nerdy/geeky/introvert guys, short guys, or virgin/inexperienced guy. You don't have to give chances or the benefit of the doubt and can be as self-serving as you want since it's your potential partner.

    Was I in the wrong here?
    No you are entitled to your standards for a romantic/sexual partner just as she is entitled to her standards for friends. One of those standards seemingly being non judgmental friends.

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  • No you're not being hypocritical; but yes, maybe you're being a little harsh. If this is your idea of what you want in a girl then. Fine, stick to that, but once you've decided you don't see anything going further romantically (when it started that way) then just cut ties. It's just stringing someone along.

    Mostly I'd encourage you to try not and judge someone by their past. You might miss out on some real gems, but if it's something you can't cope with in a partner, I'd suggest you deal with it a little better in the future.

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    • Yeah, my problem with it though is I didn't want to cut ties with her. She's still nice you know? Although in my head I didn't see her as romance material, I STILL saw her as a potentially valued friend. SHE was the one who flipped out on ME and cut ties with me. I didn't want to cut ties in the first place, just because we can't be together in a romantic sense doesn't mean we can't be together in platonic sense.

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    • Actions don't always speak louder than words. In future try and be honest straight away, and possibly a little less bluntly with your words. And don't necessarily expect them to want to continue a friendship. Whilst you might not be able to image a relationship with a girl with a varied sexual past, she may not be able to consider a friendship with a guy who thinks her sexual history makes her 'unworthy'.

    • @asker you are a man not a woman, don't be pulling these womanly moves by letting them down easy. The sooner the better. You are only justifying what you already know.

  • I guess I can see where you're coming from because when you are in a relationship with someone, you want to know that they are going to be faithful and be emotionally more invested in the two of you, rather than just be interested in the sex or the "thrill".
    But at the same time, I think the had a right to be pissed. She opened up and confessed that to you because she doesn't want to hide anything from you and so you know her history. It's not to say that that's all she wants in a relationship for the rest of her life but that that was a part of her life. I think you just shutting her down like that and checking her off your list was kind of mean. Instead of talking with her and asking what she's looking for now, when she told you about her past, you said nothing and became distant. You may still be treating her nice but it was a dick move that you pulled. Relationships (in general) require communication.

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    • +1
      it's about the now, not the past.

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    • I dono. I'm not her. I'm just expressing it from my point of view. Not saying she's in the right for how she reacted, I was just expressing that he did in fact pull a dick move by being romantic with her one minute then doing a 180 and "friend zoning" her without communicating it to her as to why that is.

    • yeah details are too sketchy

  • Hey, fair enough. I don't get into relationships with guys that are very narrow minded and critical of past mistakes, particularly when they seem like they stem from insecurities. We would not be compatible.

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    • That's cool, as long as we could be respected friends aye?

    • As long as I thought you were cool otherwise, sure.

  • It's fine to have preferences like that, I guess. I'm not sure why someone's past should be such a big deal if they're genuinely a good person and attractive, but eh. The only thing you did wrong was that you weren't upfront enough about your feelings. You should have told her sooner that it's not going to work out and that you'd prefer to just be friends.

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    • Yeah. That was totally my fault, I'll admit. I tried to lay her down gently, in my experience, when you drop an emotional stack of bricks on someone, they tend to flip out. I kind of tried to boil things down gently, you know? Let my actions and the atmosphere of our interactions speak for themselves and let things naturally take it's course.

      Apparently my attempt at finesse really blew up in my face.

    • But that's the thing, situations like this don't just pan out naturally. If person A likes person B more than B likes A, then A will always end up wondering what happened/changed and why B is acting a certain way. It only naturally pans out if both A and B realize at the same time that they're not into each other. Being subtle/vague and avoiding confrontation hurts just as much as actually talking about it. Besides, all you really had to say was that you don't think it's going to work out beyond a friendship. That's not really dropping an emotional sack of bricks on someone. It's smooth and honest.

    • Yeah, you're right. I'll be more upfront next time. Maybe like, not immediately on the SPOT, but at least when I'm dropping her off or something at home that same day.

  • Nah, you didn't do anything wrong. The only thing that's a little off is you shouldn't have kept going out with her knowing she was interested without being up front earlier. But... shit happens and you'll both get over it.

    I too would be hesitant about being serious with someone with a history of casual sex. I don't care what people do generally but at some point I would have to assume we don't feel the same way about sex, which is important to me.

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    • Thanks Commie.

      I know it looks bad, but I didn't want to hurt her feelings. Also, I kind of wanted to, well, sort of boil things down gently, if that makes any sense. Like my actions and the dates cool down slowly to a platonic level and let things run naturally from there.

      And, I know, my attempt at finesse blew up in my face but, I genuinely wasn't trying to string her along. I don't LIKE dropping a stack of emotional bricks on people you know?

    • Yeah but sometimes the RIGHT thing is the hard thing. I totally get why didn't just... blatantly say that to her, but it would have been the right thing so you could part ways earlier and easier.

      Either way, as I said, you'll both move on. Nbd.

  • You made a fair decision because like you said, you weren't expecting anything of her that you weren't living up to yourself. It was actually kind of you to be honest with her and not shaming her. Props to you for having intelligence and some kind of morals and standards.
    @kaiis_other_half

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  • man it's totally fine. I don't have anything against people doing what they want with themselves, being a slut or whatever. But personally I don't really like experienced guys;wouldn't want to be in a relationship with one. It's my own preference, not that I hate on slutty people.
    If you don't want to be with a fat person, that is ok. But if you don't wanna be with too experienced person that is not. wtf? you find fat people repulsive, I find the fact that someone did all that sexual stuff with so many people repulsive (to be in relationship with). To be friends with someone, their sexual experience isn't repulsive to me, cause it has nothing to do with our relationship as friends.

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    • Good to hear, someone who is on the same book as me. I didn't stop and think about that before, the whole "fat" analogy you used.

      I suppose some people would say "It's not the same, a fat person you can at least visibly SEE the person and make your judgment, you clearly liked her at first, but then got repulsed AFTER she told you," but to me, it's still a deal breaker, it's just, more under the skin you know?

      Almost like the person took off their coat, and THEN revealed they were fat underneath.

    • I know how people are, so man just stick to your guns about this. People get upset cause they can't deal with what they have done and now you are pointing it out.

      I wish this trait of experience could be seen. Oh how happy I would be hahaha
      But the whole seen or not seen thing... you have to like someone on the outside as well as on the inside. Only inside is not that transparent...

  • No, you aren't wrong that's just your preference.

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    • Thanks you. That's comforting to hear.

  • Nope... I don't think you were in the wrong. You said that finding out this information was a huge turn-off. Once something turns you off, I would say that pretending it didn't and pursuing something further would be more wrong than being honest. She just has to accept it. Give her some time, and she may get over her hurt feelings.

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  • You're holding yourself to your own standards? Why?

    I'm not saying be a player, but I am saying women hardly care if you have had casual sex. You can't excuse your standards with "I do the same". I'm sure you have plenty of standards that you don't meet yourself. Like tits and a vagina. That'd be a basic one. xD

    It's not hypocritical not to meet a standard that is a virtue for a woman, but a mere trait for you. Like being nurturing for example.
    Or like having high sex-partner standards. Like in this case.

    That being said, you have a right to your standards. I don't think one should aim to compromise and settle from the get go. We all have our deal breakers. (which ARE gendered, no one gives a shit if you had casual sex)
    So no, you're not wrong. I just hope you can find a girl who will suit you.

    But you seem to have led this girl on... You thought you could be her friend after rejecting her. How in the world did you get that idea?

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    • Thanks. But it's kind of a life code of mine, I try to BE what I ask for, you know?

      Anyhow, as for the still being friends thing. I thought, at this age (she's only two years younger than me), we would have learned that just because you can't be romantically attached, doesn't mean you have to cut the whole thing off. Isn't that a little immature to cut a person off entirely just because they aren't attracted to you?

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    • I apologize. I misread your statement. I was wrong. @inamorata

    • @p0rtis26 I see. ^^

  • No. I'm the same way. I don't really like casual sex. And I prefer if my partner didn't engage in it either. Is it an automatic deal breaker? No. But the person has to be really amazing for me to look past that.

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  • I wouldn't pick up your calls either. "Friends" confide in each other and she clearly felt judged with the sex conversation. You might judge her again the second she does something differently than you. And in my opinion, some form of keeping her around seems a little selfish. It's like she wasn't good enough to be girlfriend material based off of her past, but she's still a good person to you so you want to have her around as a friend? That doesn't make any sense to me. Also, if she still likes you, it may be hard for her to still hang out with you knowing in the end you're only going to be her friend.

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  • I think as long as her past behaviour is not manifesting itself into your current relationship with her, it's all well and good. But you shouldn't let that be a complete deal breaker. I think your standards are reasonable, but don't let them get in the way of being with a great girl.

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    • In a way, it did manifest itself, but in a ROMANTIC sense, it cut things off. But not in a PLATONIC, friendly sense, you know what I mean? I was fine with just being friends, apparently she wasn't. It was romance or nothing, at least that's the sense I'm getting.

  • You're not wrong. It's completely normal to judge someone based on their past, we all do it. However, I think that you should take into consideration that by the time people are in their mid-late 20s they've made a lot of mistakes and has had their fair share of relationships. It's not really unheard of that a person who's 26 has had a few casual encounters and I wouldn't completely write someone off, but I'll try to get to know them some before I make any major moves. Truth is, nothing is truly guaranteed if you do decide to get into a relationship with a person who's had a bright or not so bright past. But don't miss out on potentially good people because of their past. You never know...

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    • Yeah, my standards are pretty strict. I may as well be looking for a unicorn...

      But you make some good points. I'll keep it in mind, thanks.

    • Lol and that's fine. You ought to have high standards, it just means that you truly value yourself and your relationships. Lol at the unicorn part.

  • I wouldn't date a guy like that. I don't blame you at all.

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    • Thank you, I don't feel like such a bad guy. You would at least treat them like a friend though right?

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    • I'm going to be completely honest, I'm... conflicted on that part.

      On the one hand, there ARE reformed people, you know? Like, let's take a criminal for instance, some of them DO reform, some of them AREN'T who they used to be, you know? People definitely DO change, although it's more rare than usual, people DO change.

      But on the other hand, it's more like, I STOOD by my beliefs, even from a young age, I didn't CHANGE, I was ALWAYS like this. I KNEW what I wanted, and NEVER broke form, EVER. And because of that, I would want someone EQUALLY as strong, does that make sense?

    • Oh, I'm not saying they're bad people or that they can't reform. I'm a huge believer in reformation, but they can't erase the past. The sexual feelings of being with many different people will always be there. The possibilities of running into one of their many different lovers will always be there. The thought that sex didn't mean as much to them emotionally as it did to me would always be in the back of my mind (my problem ( but I wouldn't be okay with that.

  • I kind of understand where you're coming from, I'm personally not interested in dating a guy who has been with a lot of women and honestly when I look at other people who have had multiple bad relationships and continued to do it repeatedly, I just think they're dumb.

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  • You're entitled to having an opinion and certainly entitled to make your own choices, same as she made her own.
    I'm careful with the people I choose to let into my life and get involved with and expect my partner to do the same.

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  • +1 for SLUT SHAMING women.

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    • I didn't slut shame. She was still a friend. I still see her as a human being and a perfectly nice person, just not romance material. We just weren't on the same page that's all. I didn't shame her.

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    • I don't even know why I'm typing this out to you. We clearly don't agree on our ideals so, not even sure why we're continuing the conversation if you're just going to keep coming at me aggressively like you have been.

    • lol xbchica I was referring to the potential girl Nikki, not yourself, I would make the assumption you are not too bright based on your responses.

  • Who cares if she doesn't pick up your calls, u crossed her of your romance list from the get go.. So it should be easier to move on now

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    • For her to move on? Or for me to move on?

      If you mean me, moving on wasn't an issue, I just would have liked to be friends that's all. What does having her on my "romance list" have to do with that? They're two separate categories. Just because she's not on my romance list, doesn't mean it has any affect on my "friends" list.

  • Personally I'd be the same way. I'm 100% dedicated to relationship-only sex (it's a special moment for me, not something to just do with anyone) and I'd want a girlfriend who feels the same.

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    • I appreciate it but, truth be told, from the sounds of some of the responses here, I'm really looking like the bad guy here.

  • It makes me wonder if mental instability was on her part in sleeping with those types of guys? So has anything changed when you were with her?

    There is no right moment to bring it up without her getting defensive. But getting rejection sucks eh?

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  • If she hasn't been picking up your calls, you must have called her. Why do you still want to call her when she doesn't meet your standards?

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    • Because we can still be friends. I don't just toss a girl to the wayside just because she doesn't meet my romantic standards. She perfectly fit my friendship standards.

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    • Maybe you should tell her that. If she doesn't take up the offer, she probably can't be friends with someone she's attracted to or needs more time to not be attracted to you anymore.

    • Yeah, well, I tried calling her and sent a few messages, hopefully she picks up.

  • you should not have led her on then by going on "platonic" dates. I would have been irritated to by you. If you didn't see her as a romantic attachment then you should of just ended things.

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    • Well, she's still nice. It was a combination of not wanting to hurt her, and also genuinely thinking she's a nice girl. I honestly don't see her as like, a sub-human or anything. We just aren't on the same page in terms of our beliefs on a romantic level. Doesn't mean we can't be valued friends. I genuinely didn't want to cut contact.

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    • oh yah how did that work out for you then?

    • It worked out terribly, I'll admit. But that's one person. You're telling me this applies to most people based off of ONE girl?

      That's crazy.

  • I can understand that, I've never had casual sex either and sometimes find it a turn off when I meet a cute guy or girl that has had a history of casual sex. It sometimes makes me feel that they aren't interested in taking the time to know me or be in a relationship and just want sex.

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What Guys Said 39

  • Your not doing anything wrong. You just want a woman that shares your sense of morality as strongly as you do. As long as you are holding yourself up to the same standard, then the way you feel is completely reasonable. Of course many people with a different set of values will not agree with you, but that really isn't your concern. You deserve a woman you are compatible with, and that you can respect for sharing the values you believe in. If someone has a problem with that, then they clearly don't respect your values enough for you to be in a relationship with them.

    It is common for some girls to think they can prove some non existent double standard, by pointing to other men that sleep around, and ignoring the fact that you don't. As a result these girls never have to face the truth, that the two of you are simply incompatible, and that you have a valid reason to reject her.

    Women falsely accuse men for slut shaming a lot, when we aren't doing that. This allows these girls to attempt to shame us for our morality, which actually is hypocritical of them. They are acting like they should be allowed to have their sense of morality without being judged for it, but that men are not allowed to have our own sense of morality that we follow. It sounds like you are better off without the woman you broke it off with.

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  • You can have WHATEVER standards you want.
    It's not like you turned her down over something she had no control over. She chose to sleep around, you chose not to. You have a right to want someone similar.

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    • Thanks man. At first I thought I was being crazy. A lot of people are judging me for having this standard and saying I am "slut shaming," but the truth is, I'm not shaming ANYONE. I didn't talk down to her, I didn't belittle her, or talk in a condescending way. I clearly stated that we simply aren't on the same page sexually and that's it, whether it's in the past, or in the now, it doesn't matter to me. We weren't, or aren't, on the same page. It's as simple as that, I don't think I'm better than her, just different.

      How is that slut shaming?

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    • It's not even remotely slut shaming. Slut shaming is when you chastise women for having many sex partners. Not when you choose to forgo a woman because of it.

      A lot of people are just immature twats who haven't outgrown the idea of the world revolving around them.

  • I'm a 'slut commentator' myself. No reason not to give my opinion of the anything-for-money honeys.

    Most of us guys agree with you about not wanting to be involved in any meaningful way with the sluts.

    I don't shame them, because most of them are already ashamed of themselves!

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  • You not wrong.
    If you were turned off by those facts then you regard sex differently to her.
    I am also not interested in those types of girls because they have most likely been taught morals and values by programs like Two Broke Girls etc.
    Sex is like fire, it can be just as destructive as it can be constructive for a relationship. If your views on sex differ, you should call it quits with her.

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  • Smart man, history tends to repeat itself. And in your description of her response to your honesty. Look at how she responded to that, to quote you "she flipped out" including accusations. To me she is defending her actions, instead of being understanding of where you came from and admitting she made mistakes. If I met a girl who had a extensive sexual past I would be turned off as well, but if her attitude and actions showed she no longer desired that then I would definitely have her on the romantic interest side. I would stop calling her and move on. Do you really want to be platonic friends with a person that makes excuses and then acts like a child by ignoring you and being resentful?

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    • Yeah, I guess so, but still man. To be fair, I did drop a sack of bricks on her, anyone, guy or girl, would kind of flip out. I shouldn't have to cut it off after one flip out session.

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    • "To me she is defending her actions, instead of being understanding of where you came from and admitting she made mistakes."

      Well, depending on how he said it to her, she was probably put in a position where she was made to feel quite defensive. As women, we are constantly scorned for our sexual behaviours, whether it is having too much sex, being prudes, having sexual desires, acting on them, and so on, so when we make ourselves vulnerable and open up to someone about our sexual past and they react negatively, doesn't it kind of make sense that we'd go on the defensive about it?

      As for "admitting she made mistakes" - maybe she doesn't view them ask mistakes? And maybe she doesn't need to? It's exactly that kind of attitude that makes women defensive in these situations. A man can have a lengthy sexual history in his younger days and then decide to change course when he wants to get into a more serious relationship and no one expects him to atone for his past. It justis what it is.

    • @Sara413 First off some of the details are sketchy but based on the users account this is my opinion. Defensiveness in relationships is not an aspect that is practiced among relationships that are successful. We do not know if the guy responded negatively. We only know that he told her he did not have a desire for that type of past activity. In dealing with mistakes. Oh, I totally agree she does not consider what she did a mistake, so then of course he not caring for that type of woman should easily know that she just is not the woman for him. For the record I do not care for a man or woman to have a lengthy sexual past. There are pros and cons for both genders in this world. Life isn't fair.

  • I would say you are definitely not in the wrong. this girl wanted to hook up with me and I rejected her, she got so fucking butt hurt and deleted me off everything hahaa.

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    • It's these same kinds of people who tell OTHER people to just "suck it up" when they get rejected and that they should remain friends with the person who rejected them. I swear, some of these people don't know how to take their own medicine.

    • she's probably just feeling like shit because she can't have the guy she wants.

  • people always deserve a second chance, but, if you want too know what the future is like, look no further than their history. My ex gf is exactly like her, everything is casual till a point i couldnt be casual anymore. she became pregnant from me, i asked her to be my gf, lasted 1 week, than we remained intimate for a few more weeks and now she dumped me for some petathic loser. and losers they are, jobless guys, single fathers, etc... all sorts of bumms. anyway, in your case give her a try, but if not, walk away. dont go through the same shit as i did. i dont think you won't because dude i respect you for having standards. wish i had standards to, should have walked away, because she cheats 24/7 . cheated on me for no reason, than she cheated on that guy with me. if a girl cheats or has casual sex partners than something is wrong. sex isn't about pleasure its about commitment. i wouldn't just jump into bed with any girl, regardless of how hot they are.

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  • "the truth is I'm NOT obligated to give my romantic attachment to anyone who doesn't fit my standards"

    BOOM. You adjust your standards to what you deem best for yourself. If they are too unreachable, you'll die alone. But they're your standards, not anybody else's.

    Your only "mistake" was being honest with her, and I'm not sure if I'd call that a mistake.

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    • Yeah I mean like... she SAID she wanted the truth...

      I literally told her it and she flipped out...

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    • I can't answer that. The whole objective of dating is to find the best possible mate.

      Have to find that balance that you're happy with, and that women can also reach.

      For the record, wanting a woman that hasn't had any casual sexual encounters isn't farfetched

    • Alright... thanks man.

  • I can understand that. you should be allowed to feel that way just like virgins who wish to be with virgins have the right. And it sounds like you handled it pretty well too. but I don't think you could expect her to be friends... if you met her in a flirtatious way right off that bat, that is the only way she will see you, or at least that's how I am with women.

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  • I DON'T BLAME YA 1 BIT... I don't know about the rest of these guys BUT ME PERSONALLY I ain't accepting no used goods NOR a girl that has been passed around like a fucking blunt by the hood LOL. THEN SHE expects me to accept her with open arm? SHID OVER MY DEAD BODY LOOLOL

    You did the right thing man. lolsnaps.com/.../...rinktoomuchandpassout-1647.gif

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  • I'll be honest... if u had casual sex yourself, u wouldn't be so judgmental of a girl that has. #JustSaying

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    • True, but I didn't. You've gotta admit, at least I am what I ask for. Most people aren't even that much.

    • Yeah I definitely have to commend u on that.

  • You answered your own question. You're not obligated to be with someone who doesn't meet your standards. It appears that you've already established that, however.

    As to whether you were in the wrong, it doesn't really matter. What matters is how both of you feel. Don't waste time, energy, or emotion assigning blame. That doesn't help anyway.

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    • Yeah, I can see what you mean. Lot of truth in what you said.

  • You're not wrong. You know what you want and thats it. Like she knew what she wanted, that is fucking casually with guys.
    I don't want such a girl either for a relationship. The fact aline that she found it so easy to tell you that is a sign that she doesn't take things seriously. She likes to change partners as if they are socks. You should be the one who flipped out, since she expected or demanded (I don't know) of you to be ok with that.

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    • I suppose you're right, I mean, I get some people around here saying "Who she's been with is none of your business," but, yeah, it IS my business, considering that I, MYSELF, like to be an OPEN book with my partner, so just the same, I would like HER to be an open book, with ME. And as long as that is one of my standards in my partner, it IS my business.

      Of course, she doesn't have to open up about herself like that, but just the same, I DON'T have to give her my romantic interest if she's going to be a closed book, especially not when I'm willing to be an open book myself. I never ask for something I'm not ready to be, or give, myself.

  • Whether your preference is wrong or not depends on why you have that preference. You haven't said enough on that for me to say whether your preference is wrong or not.

    That said, the point is moot, because her 'flipping out' is a bright-red flag anyway.

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  • It emasculates you... so it makes you uncomfortable and you blame them instead of looking inward... sucks for you, and it is something you should probably get over, but as long as you aren't a dick about it, that is your prerogative.

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    • Different strokes.

      You say it emasculates me, I say it makes me way more disciplined and stronger for having my standards.

      Trust me when I tell you, the very REASON I have THIS standard is BECAUSE I looked inward. Having careless sex is the EASY way out, my standards take WAY more discipline and strength. And I stick by them completely.

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    • But again, there's no point in trying to put down the other person, it's not like we're going to convince each other that our way of living is better than the other. You think less of me, I think less of you, and I'm perfectly cool with that. Let's just leave it at that.

    • Reach harder, you are failing.

  • I happen to agree with you wholeheartedly OP and I must say you had huge balls to actually tell her the truth. I had a similar experience once when I also had to confront a girl who wanted to take the relationship to a next level just when I realized she had a history of guys much larger than the history I have ever cleared from my chrome explorer.

    Just as some girls don't fall for "players", some of us prefer not to be attached to girls with such past. And I know it's difficult. I've been through storms, long distance relationships and much more just because I really value a girl who has been more cautious with the guys she has dated/been with. Nothing wrong with having history, but a number certainly reflects certain values that just don't go along with yours.

    Nothing's wrong with your decision.

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  • Nah, you're fine. She has behaviors that you find a turnoff, so that's that. Dont worry about it and move on to someone else.

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    • Yeah, I guess so...

      It sucks losing a potential friend though. She was nice. Really. Would have loved to stay friends.

    • Honestly, with the way she lives her life, there is bound to be turmoil so who wants that drama.

  • I don't get why people are bashing OP. So it's okay to judge a guy on his past and not want to date him because he has player tendencies but it's completely wrong to judge a woman because she's had a fee fwbs or whatever it may be? At the end of the day we are all looking out for our hearts and that's okay. Op you probably shouldn't have kept talking to her lol. I wouldn't trust a girl who has been with bad boys and players either.

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  • No, you are not wrong here. In fact, I'm in the same boat as you. For her to chastise you like that, means she is a little immature and has some growing up to do. She's just kicking herself and regretting that she had sex before. But that's her problem - not yours. Shame on her for trying to make you feel bad/guilty.

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    • Well, having sex is fine, it's just... WHO you did it with and HOW mentally approach it, that was the problem. If she had committed boyfriends and emotionally invested sex, then that would perfectly be okay in my book. It's not like I'm asking her to be a straight up virgin you know?

    • Okay, maybe you're not in the same boat. Nevermind.

  • Your in no wrong here my friend you made a strong decision, a more mature decision if I say so myself

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  • My thoughts: You are justified. Mostly. It depends on how much of the situation you know about (though obviously, you can't go asking her about something like this directly can you?). If she is a nice person overall and that thing that you found irksome isn't recent, then you are being a bit harsh. Otherwise, I completely understand.

    IF I were in this situation and my thoughts were justified, I would simply try to ignore my discomfort as best as humanly possible. Then I would wait a week or two (being platonic, as you have) and see if I still felt the need to break up. If so then I would approach her and just tell her, ever so politely, that things aren't working out. If she asked why and her recent history was still to blame, then under no circumstances what so ever would I have told her that it was because of the guys she dated. That's a no. She will only hate you for it and the original result will happen.

    So. I guess I could ask now, am I justified? That one is up to you.

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  • girls hate hate hate having consequences for their choices. the female nature.

    you made a good call.

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  • Everyone has their standards, but I wouldn't have written her off on the basis of that. What if she has now changed for the better? If I was her, I would be pissed too.

    But again, everyone has their standards.

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    • I mean, I can accept if I don't fulfill someone's standards. That doesn't mean I break my friendship off with them. In life, you're always going to meet someone with different standards than you, that doesn't mean you have to get angry and break the friendship off as a whole. I was told to learn to deal with it and I did, maybe that's a lesson she needs to learn too. Just because you can't be linked romantically doesn't mean we can't be friends.

  • Sounds like your just watching how you have sex with and don't want to end up with someone who has a past.

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  • girls that do that have low self esteem... guys that do it are single or miserable in their relationship, and need somewhere to dump out all their excess goo..

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  • you're not wrong.. its your own standards, own decisions.. so be careful when picking girls, or else you'll end up regretting.. remember there are two sets of gals. junkies and nuts..

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    • ok so I might regret asking this but what kind of girl is a nut and a junkie?

  • No, nothing is wrong with this. You have your preferences. My preferences are VERY similar to yours.

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  • no. they given modern sexual morals, you may not have much scope for dating.

    still your choice though, if you choose not to.

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  • I would be she never said anything out of the norm or disparaging about her self. Just, "Yeah a few boy friends ago I was with this black guy. Things didn't work out. But whatever..."

    Lol usually what prompts this kind of response

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  • Well done my man. Bring back slut shaming. I mean hey, it's only fair. Women can judge us on our body dimensions, dick dimensions, income, laycounts too... So why can't we? It is proven that people with more partners make horrible long term material

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