MEN: Have you ever been called "controlling" or "possessive" by a girlfriend? Can I get a brutally honest answer from you? EGO aside?

I really need to understand the psychology behind this. I'm not going to criticize your behavior, but instead try to understand it. What's your motive/goal behind being controlling in YOUR opinion (not google's opinion)

What is it that you want to accomplish? Even if you know it's wrong

When I say controlling. possessive, I mean:
-getting mad if she doesn't hang out with you for one day
-criticizing her lifestyle or trying to get her to change a certain behavior you don't agree with
-forcing her to end certain friendships
-getting mad when she's late or cancels plans
-the need to always be RIGHT
-giving her the silent treatment


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Most Helpful Guy

  • I can't explain all of your examples, but I'll give my take on a few of them:

    "-criticizing her lifestyle or trying to get her to change a certain behavior you don't agree with"

    Some people are bigoted and take anything they wouldn't personally do as an insult. For myself though, the things I criticize are things that I think she's doing that are harmful to herself. I don't like seeing the people I care about struggle needlessly, and when they do it to themselves it gets under my skin.

    "-getting mad when she's late or cancels plans"

    I don't get mad at single incidents of this unless it's something important that I put a lot of effort into organizing, but I get over that pretty quickly. More often, it's when someone is late on a regular basis. If she repeatedly runs late and blows me off, she's sending a message that she doesn't value my time or attention. It's insulting and disrespectful, and that can build long term resentment.

    "-the need to always be RIGHT"

    That's a people thing. Women do it at least as often as men, probably more.

    "-giving her the silent treatment"

    Conflict avoidance and stubborness. I don't like arguing, I feel like pushing the issue would cause more issues, and when I feel offended I clam up. I withdraw with the expectation that she'll take the hint and apologize for whatever caused it.

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    • I took everything you said in. I'm gonna touch on the silent treatment part. Do you ever give her the silent treatment simply to "drive her nuts"? I get anxious when I'm given the silent treatment and feel like a metaphorical cork is shoved into soul. I'm wondering if this is somehow his intention though. Maybe a way to "teach me a lesson". Am I way off?

    • That's part of it I guess. More so to teach a lesson than drive her nuts. It's like "you hurt me, but you want to talk to me and act like there's not a problem, but I won't engage you until you address the issue"

      But sometimes even if she acknowledges the issue, I'm just stewing over something and I just don't want to deal with her for a while and just want to be left alone.

What Guys Said 8

  • I've been called controlling but I come from a family and culture where you keep your significant other "in the loop" and she grew up very differently in that sense. I am accustomed to having those in relationships always letting eachother know where they are and what they are doing. So I expected her to follow that but she found it TOO much I guess, she was very unpredictable with hanging out, where I like a standing date, I'm pretty good with lateness but she hated me having to cancel. I never got mad for her not hanging out for a day that's fine and her friends were... Well we never really talked. I do like to be right but not all the time, and I always give the silent treatment but only out of congenial nature, I'm a quiet guy what can I say? I don't think she is a bad person, in fact she was a really great friend but we just weren't good together

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    • Wanting to be in the loop is normal to me. It begins to be too much when it becomes a "rule", or when a fight starts because of a missed call. Do you do this with everyone, or just her? And can you say you trusted her 100%?

    • I will say I have trust issues from personal observation, but I've always been around situations where keeping each other in the loop was the rule. It's how my family is my ma won't go anywhere without telling my dad and my dad won't go anywhere without telling my ma. Same with all my family. But she did go out very late a lot. She wound sometimes say when she was out but I would have liked it if she told me she planned to be out late instead of telling me the next day, I had anxiety problems from pre-diagnosed Type 1 Diabetes back then though so I really don't blame her for breaking up with me. And I don't date much at all, I went on one date in 2014 so no I only did this with just her

  • No, I have never acted this way. It's abusive. If your boyfriend is behaving this way you SERIOUSLY need a new boyfriend. This is scary horrible stuff. He needs help.

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  • Okay, I TRIED to make my ex end 3 friendships, but that's only cause I knew she was cheating on me with those people, and since i'm a naive fuck and she was my first love I thought maybe we could work it out if she stopped talking to them. I was painfully wrong.

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  • No guys like that have problems.

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  • That's a personal Q message me if yi

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  • You need to shut up, you manipulative parasite. You are digging into your boyfriends wallet or using your dad as an ATM while you whine about how men are "controlling" which is downright pathetic. You are thriving on drama and chaos, winning at mind games and making people feel bad... then you complain about men. Jesus Christ. I can already see you taking alimony sometime in the near future.

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    • Thanks for the trolling comment. Ironically, my dad uses me as an ATM and my boyfriend is broke lol

  • Yeah I've been called that. It was HER attempt to be controlling and possessive of ME. Broke it off with that selfish bitch.

    Most of those in your list have both potentially benign or bad meanings, depending how you want to interpret them.

    The last two, not as much. The need to always be right is childish and is mainly about power and ego.

    The silent treatment is childish and emotionally abusive, there's no room for it in an adult relationship.

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  • Ok ego aside I guess I'm controlling to a point. If I really sit and think about it, it's because I'm afraid she's going to leave me alone and she's kind of my source of happiness.
    Sounds douchey, but I guess subconsciously I'm trying to manipulate her into needing me so she won't want to leave.

    Bring on the hate comments @ me

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    • Hmm interesting. Would you take it the way you just described if a girl was this way towards you? Just curious

    • I've been treated like this before and I can honestly say that it was abusive towards me, and gave me trust issues. I think it made me like this, which is the definition of irony right? =/

    • So, if you don't mind me asking... what is it with the male ego? It causes hurt and pain to a woman because she constantly has to compete with it. I just don't understand when a man knows he has a good woman!!

What Girls Said 1

  • I had a controlling, possessive bf for a while and he didn't even like me! He criticized my weight (and I was thin), my style, my hobbies, my personality, etc. But he'd get in fistfights if a guy talked to me or anything. I think it's a power thing.

    Guys like this just use brute overpowering to get their way and don't know any other method to be happy than making demand after demand hoping it fills their empty spirit.

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    • That's the thing that baffles me. I get the feeling that they don't truly CARE about their partner as an individual --the way they would a friend or family member. It's almost like their partner is a pet who is on this earth for one purpose - to amuse and entertain the master. And if this pet should ever disobey or act in a less-than-desirable manner, all hell is breakin' loose (bring on the training and scare tactics). But does the controller understand this? Or do they truly believe they care? Hmmm..

    • I'm not sure. This guy could also be lovey-dovey. He was a young professional, not a stereotypical dirtbag, too, for the guys reading. But it's like his pressure to feel in control and to get exactly what he wanted overpowered his good side.

      I'm with you, it's like they only see their partner as some reflection of themselves or some pet to make them feel good. :S

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