Torn between one or the other....

to help her out or to leave her flat on her face that is the question...

so I started dating this girl last week , the first date went really well and ended with a couple hour's long hot and heavy make out session. then the next few dates after that went well too. then her and I got on the subject about her and her ex. she broke up with her ex about 7 months ago and she did it cause he was never there for her when she needed him. but she also loved him as a result she's still got emotional issues that won't let her accept anyone who cares for her because she doesn't think anyone cares enough for her to stay. so the last 2 dates she was talking with me and she said" I don't think its a good idea for you to get to emotionally attached to me, I like someone but I push them away before it gets to serious just so I don't have to worry about being hurt ever again." now I know that's a major warning sign for most people but I'm not like that. almost all my ex's have been in the same situation and I have helped them pick themselves back up and get them to the point they are enjoying life again just to have them leave me after I help them. its like I am the middle man who fixes girls just to watch them get broken again.

so now I'm torn I have spent so much time on fixing my ex's especially my last one I really don't feel like having to go through the same crap just to be ditched at the road side as the nice guy who helped her find her way. but on the other hand its in my nature if I don't help her I will feel horrible I don't want her to have to suffer because of what her ex was like and I know I can help her and get her back to how she used to be if I only try. so now I need help. is it worth it helping people just to be dumped at the way side? or is it better to just turn tail and leave like most other people and let her loose faith in people and just leave her hurting...

and thank you very much for taking the time to read I really do appreciate every answer I can get.

Updates:
ty to all that have responded. I think I'm gonna just be friends with her and help her out as she needs it. I don't want to get into a big messy relationship and have to deal with ex's at the moment. TY again!

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Sorry, but it isn't your job to fix anyone. They need to fix themselves. I am a little weary of hearing people go on and on about their particular brand of issues and heartache that is supposed to explain their behavior. Hey, we all have our issues, but they can be overcome. Frankly she sounds like she is expecting to get some sort of guarantee from a guy that he won't ever leave her. It is her deal if she really wants to live the rest of her life not experiencing love for fear of being hurt. Why are people so particularly pain adverse to the point they would stop living life? The way I see it the bad times in life help us identify and appreciate the good times. So, she had a situation that did not work out, get over it.

    Instead of trying to fix anyone, you need to tell that person something like this "Hey, I really like you and I want to continue to see you, but if you are not emotionally available to continue this, I understand." Follow it with a little tough love given in a compassionate tone "I have had my heart broken too, but I am ready to put that in the past and start a relationship. If you are not ready to move past your situation, then we should not be dating."

    Basically, put the ball back into their court. Do not become the sad sap confidant that she steps all over and then leaves once she feels better. Hold yourself out as someone worth dating, not as the guy who is going to make it all better.

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    • Yea I agree we all have issues at one point in life we all have to get over them. and I guess I shouldn't be mr fix t all the time. I guess I'm just so used to it that its more outa habit than anything.

    • As you can see, being Mr. Fix It is not getting you the girl in the end. Women often do this, thinking that if we provide something we think is of value that the guy will fall for us and stick with us. You sound like a great guy but your role is not to rescue these girls. You might want to think about where you picked up this behavior. You really do deserve to win the girl but it isn't happening like this.

What Girls Said 14

  • You sound like a great guy. Most women would love to be with someone who is so patient and considerate. Don't change your personality. But I think you should change the type of woman you date.

    By telling you not to get emotionally attached, this woman is either saying that she is not that interested, or she is giving herself a free pass to take advantage of your good nature... She will let you nurse her while she is feeling bad, and if she moves on later, then that's OK because she warned you not to get attached. You will end up getting hurt.

    So I don't think it would be good for you to date her under these circumstances. It wouldn't be good for her either, because you would be enabling her to continue wallowing in self-pity rather than move on. There's nothing wrong with being sad after a break up. But it is wrong to use a bad experience as an excuse for treating someone else badly ("I can't get attached because I'm so hurt..."). She needs to get over her last boyfriend before she dates you.

    I think you need to ask yourself why you are attracted to these girls. Could it be because you don't think you could get a girlfriend who isn't damaged? You feel like the hurt ones need you? Like I said earlier, you seem like a great guy. I think you need to give yourself more credit. My advice is to make yourself go out on some dates with undamaged girls. And in future, when you run into a girl who is hurt and feels that she can't trust guys, say, "OK, it doesn't sound like you are ready to date yet", and move on. Good luck!

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    • I would love to find a girl who isn't emotionally damaged. but anymore I'm questioning if they exist. and its not like I'm out looking for the ones with issues. they just seem to find me. I met her threw a blind date. I have always had bad luck with finding a good girl to date. my friends always remind me of my ex's...lol I don't know what can I do so I stop finding all the emotionally damaged ones? how can I tell before I do go out and on a date with them?

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    • What are some good topics that are masibly safe to talk about that won't remind them or thi ex and bring up that issue? nomatter what I say it seems like it always goes on the topic of ex's. the girls seem normal at first but then out of nowhere they figure I'm the one to help them with the underlying issue of their ex or what their dad did to them as a kid. for some reason these girls just open up to me and expect me to help them out. so I do. and hope they don't say I was a pain as well

    • There are a lot of people who will bring up their exes no matter what. People who might be fine to be around in other circumstances, if dealing with a bad experience and given an opportunity for conversation, will talk about their issues no matter what. You seem like a friendly, accepting kind of guy, and this will make people feel comfortable talking to you. I think what you need to do is expect that this will happen, but then put a damper on things and divert the conversation.

  • I think you will feel a lot better if you help her than if you let her fall flat on her face... Maybe what you need to do though, is do it as a friend, and not as a romantic interest... if after she's all "fixed up", and you guys still like each other, then give it a shot, if not, well you were friends anyways so... no big!

    Although I think this may be hard for you... Since you say you've had this pattern happen to you a few times, then maybe you are attracted to these girls because you feel they need help and that you can help them... even if it's unconscious... :S just stuff to think about! :)

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    • Thats the thing is we wernt friends before.. we met on a blind date and have gone from there... also what ended up being really interesting is that she's one of my ex's from highschool best friend...

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    • Hey I read your post

      My advice would be.

      Dont help this girl if you do she will never know how to pick herself up if you help her along with the other girls you helped you are not helping them you are just giving them a easy way out everyone has to go through hard times some days and than some days will be good, find yourself a girl who gets you and doesn't need to be hung p on her ex if this girl likes you she wouldn't feel the need to talk about her ex cause shed be excited about you.

    • Good point euroexotikk ... I guess there's two sides to the issue. :)

  • Brett -

    Rebound relationships are tricky-specially because of all the emotional baggage you have to consider as well as time you will spent on it. Although I do believe that another person can help forget an ex or an old love, its success rate depends on how much effort the person [with the broken heart] puts in. How much both of you invest on making this work and forgetting the past is very important.

    Having said that it sounds to me like she is not ready to commit to something right away, its nice that she was able to be straightforward about it and not tag you along.

    The ball is in your court now, what do you want to do.. do you want to be the guy, the friend, the confidant who is going to be there for her as a friend and hope that she gets over it and sees you as a potential mate? [remember sticking with her doesn't guarantee she will choose you as a BF].

    You stated that you " really don't feel like having to go through the same crap just to be ditched at the road side as the nice guy who helped her find her way" ... listen to it... you know you deserve a nice girl open to a healthy relationship without any emotional baggage. Given your relationship history you mention on the above question, I think you are so used to being "that guy" that perhaps you have forgotten how it feels to start a relationship with another woman without any emotional issues.

    Of course the final decision is up to you.. I just hope that you give yourself the chance at a relationship with another female who is in the same emotional level that you are.

    best of luck.

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    • I do agree I would love to date a girl whos on the same emotional state as me but I really doubt they exist at my age. I have always been the guy ready to settle down and live my life with a true honesy faithful girl by my side who I love dearly but I'm have come to the conclusion the people in my age group really arnt ready for that. they seem to all want the guy who toss them aways when a hotter girl comes around. and a girl without emotional issues do they exist? everyone has issues its just

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    • Well..people mature at different stages, I actually find it interesting that you are ready to settle down because normally its females at your age range who complain about men in the same age range not looking for anything serious. Although I don't discourage anyone from settling down I hope you are not putting too much emphasis on that "settling thing" and forgetting to live your live int he moment and enjoy it.

    • Oh yea even tho I'm ready to settle I'm still living my life and enjoying it. and I don't come off as wanting nothing but to settl down but I do keep that in the back of my mind weather or not this would be a good person to spend my life with

  • Well I don't think it is your responsibility to help her at all.

    Do you like her? That's what's important.

    I know now, after my first experience of hurt after a 7 year relationship ending 5 months ago, that deep down I have the potential to be quite cold and hurtful towards any man as a response to the hurt I feel over one in particular.

    But it's not right. It's nice that this girl has explained potential problems and it is likely to come up and cause trouble in the future, but if you want to help her and keep a healthy relationship, DON'T let her get away with treating you like dirt, don't give her the excuse that it's only because she's hurting. Act in a manner that tells her you are not willing to be treated like sh*t because of her issues but also that you do care for her, really like her, and if she's willing to try and get over her fears you love hanging out with her.

    Don't be a door mat, but also there is no need to just walk away at the first sign of trouble, if you like this girl. Don't help her, let her sort her own head out, and have a good time hanging out.

    Also, no need to define your relationship too early on, just let it grow.

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  • To continue with my previous comment, I think you should really consider the girls wishes and not get emotionally attached. If indeed your personality is the type to help others, you have feelings for this girl so its different than helping a neighbor or long lost friend.

    She did not ask for your assistance in helping cope with her situation. Respecting her wishes would be a way to go about it and only intervene or be there ONLY if she asks, and keeping in mind ..just as friends..

    No one assigned you the title of "mr fixer" ..

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    • Well that's another thing is she kinda did. after the last date when she said don't get emotionaly attached her and I talked and I told her I understand what she's going threw and how hard it is to get over an ex. and I told her that if she ever wanted to talk about it and wanted help I'm here for her. so last night she called me and we were talking and I was helping her out as much as I can just over the phone.

    • As long as she is the one that requests it and more importantly as long as you feel comfortable doing so.. remember one this to help others when possibles.. another thing is letting other people take advantage of your personality trait. There is a fine line and once crossed it can be draining to you.

  • I'd tell you to tell her how you feel but it might freak her out a bit but she'll probably just help her trust you a bit more. I'd stay stick with her every girl has baggage and every girl is scared to get hurt. Think about how you feel with the her just ending up leaving you on the side of the road is how she feels. You don't have to help her put herself together you just need to be there for her and actually like her and trust her not to leave you.

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  • Something you might want to try that I didn't have room to put in the comment, is meeting girls at activities rather than over dinner/ at blind dates. If a girl is out doing stuff (e.g., volunteering, playing sports, going on a charity run, at a play), then you know she is willing to meet new people, energetic, probably fun, and most important, not sitting at home trying to get over some guy.

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  • Let her go..

    believe me she won't loose her faith in people just because you didn't help her.

    To get over an ex you need time by yourself.. and she is using you to try and void her pain but it won't help... and when she realises it doesn't help... you'll get dumped and hurt!

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  • She is obviously not ready to date. My advice simply put is to tell her she needs to sort out whatever issue she has yet to resolve with herself concerning her last relationship and call you when she is ready to date. To go any further at this point would be foolish because she is still in a rebound mode.

    You will spend a lot of time trying to console, convince and deal with her issues that once she starts to feel better she will dump you and move on to someone else. Yes my friend you will end up on the curb.

    Cut it off and begin dating again.

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  • tell her how you feel about her tell her that you and her can get through tit together...tell her that no matter what you mont leave her...trust me it does get better my ex boyfriend was just like her he had emotional issues

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  • Don't sell yourself short. You seem like a very kind and compassionate person and women should appreciate that about you. Have you shared this with her? It may be a good idea to disclose all of this to her but you also have to respect how she feels. There may be some other factors contributing to how she feels. She's the one who's going to miss out on a good thing by not allowing herself to love again. We've all been hurt before, that's life. Once speaking with her about all of this, ask her if she's sure about her decision. Maybe she needs things to slow down and space may be needed to give her time to take it all in. If she still wants to be alone, don't waste your time. Use that energy for someone who wil appreciate it.

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  • I think you should consider maybe telling her about how you're feeling too..she might understand in the sense that she has been hurt and so have you..

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  • You can help her by just being her friend too. Don't set yourself up for heartbreak.

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  • totally none of my business, but weren't you dating a girl you met on here? I remember she was in your picture :S

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    • Oh yea her and I broke up a little while ago so I am now back playing the field.

What Guys Said 7

  • Have you ever ask yourself why you've developed this taste for train wrecks? If you wind up with the same kind of girl time and time again, something, maybe unconscious, is calling to these women, and calling you to them. You need to figure out what that is, so you know for the next time.

    Moreover, when you go through a rough patch, part of the cleanup can be putting everything--and *everyone*--from that part of your life behind you. This isn't necessarily a bad thing; she gets to put her past to bed, you get a relationship you never have to seriously invest in.

    As long as everyone's honest, it works. Maybe a little candor would help: "I know we don't have the best odds; how about we ride it out, and when it ends, it ends."

    "I know I can help her and get her back to how she used to be if I only try."

    You cannot believe this, given your dating history. Maybe you have a white-knight complex, or perhaps you're just a slow learner, but you need to ditch this thinking and I mean pronto.

    You can't fix anyone, you can't save anyone.

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  • listen man I've been in this situation before too the best thing you can do is tell her how you feel and if she doesn't agree then you have to let her fix things herself if she sees where your coming from then you should stay with her and do your best to stay confident and strong through the rough times and pray that it gets better because you seem like a good dude and she would be dumb to let ya go but at the same time she should be fortunate that she has you and not an asshole and its really her problem to deal with not all guys are the same and she has to trust someone what you can do is keep being yourself and hope she finds trust in you and if it doesn't work well than sorry man good luck

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  • hey, sounds like my poblem too! Anyway, I definitely wouldn't run. Just be on the lookout for signs she is pulling away, which she will probably do if you push too hard. Try to go forward in a balanced way, and let her know all of this so that she will be encouraged to move forward, slowly, as well. So help her out in little bits and take it from there each time, is my advice. Good luck!

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  • will you have fun and enjoy your time with her? will you charish the time and be glad you had it? if you think the answer is yes then continue. If you'd rather not have the experiences and possibility of a long lasting relationship then dont. just be aware of the positives and negatives. Think it through

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  • Don't be in a relationship with someone because of who they COULD be, be with them for who they are. If she isn't the type of girl you want now, don't count on her changing.

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  • Hey man...I've only been in one relationship like this, but you sound like a real nice guy. In my honest opinion I think you should help her get back on track as much as possible, it will be harder then just leaving her hurt, but if you care for her then show her by your actions.

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  • SHe is testing you to see if she can walk all over you. You should let her know subtly speaking that you won't take that kind of treatment and if you even suspect she is going to do that her ass is out the door! Don't take her sh*t, when she brings that up cut her off or change the subject tell her to get over that behaviore and move on with you. If she changes than that's good, but if she dont, she will use you like a doormatt.

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