Sooo I dont know who is wrong here, me or him?

We have lived together for over a year and now we're looking at new apartments together and after seeing a really beautiful place that we want to rent my boyfriend starts demanding that i clean up and stay organized for this new apartment. Now i am a very organized person, i have a lot of art supplies and paint but its all tucked away. Him, however, he refuses to clean if im not home and barely ever does dishes. He is way messier than i am yet he is badgering me and blamming me for a messy apartment. I clean so much i really do it makes me angry to see the house dirty. But this guy does not care at all and im always cleaning up after him. I guess because i have more stuff than he does he just assumes the clutter is my art supplies rather than his empty chip bags...

How can i help this guy realize that i am not the problem. It really pisses me off because he complains to me like im a disgusting person who is bringing his life style down.

Updates:
Seriously like if i go away for a couple of days the house is a disaster like dishes climbing up the walls, garbage everywhere, terrible shit. And if he goes away for a day or two i make sure the house is spotless when he comes home and dinner is cooking. Maybe i try too hard?

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Most Helpful Guy

  • You know the answer to this. He is in the wrong. Obviously.

    He is using passive-aggressive blaming mechanisms to shift the blame to you to cover up for his own shortcomings. He clearly has some misogynistic views about housework being 'woman's work', though he seems to be clever enough to know that if he said if straight out he would get in 'trouble'. So he just covers up those views with anger and blame, attempting to make you feel guilty for not doing all of the cleaning.

    If this is NOT ok for you (which is shouldn't be, to be honest), then you may want to really think long and hard about whether or not finding a new apartment with this guy is actually the right move. That kind of mentality is pretty ingrained, it's not something you can usually change very easily. And it will get worse over time.

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    • I agree it is passive aggresive. We argued about this earlier today. I just kind of flipped out and went home. It was dumb to lash out because now he thinks im just having a "tantrum" and he won't address and solve the issue. He has depression and he blames his lack of energy or care on that. I don't know.. I am having second thoughts about getting a new apartment with him.
      Well thanks for your advice it helps a lot!

    • You're welcome.

      Don't let him use depression as an excuse to shift the blame to you. I had severe clinical depression for years in my mid-20s. It's hard to deal with, sure, but not an excuse for not doing your share in a relationship. And he sure as hell can't use it as an excuse if he isn't undergoing treatment for it. If he isn't even trying to get better, he is waving around some pretty big flags.

      Also don't let him paint this as a tantrum and use that to dismiss your feelings. That's part of Manipulation 101.

      Put some thought into this. There are a lot of pretty serious long-term red flags being raised here.

What Guys Said 5

  • I'd drop his ass like a bad habit, he sounds like an ungrateful douche.

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  • He wants a wife and a mother in you. Best advice, don't move with him and let him live in his own mess.

    So many men think a woman's job is to cook and clean the house and will think they discovered something great if they do the same. He does not see your importance and when people are blind to the truth sometimes it is best give them a chance to see how things are without you.

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  • He sounds incredibly immature.

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  • Obviously he is wrong, he needs to understand that a relationship is a partnership you do things 50/50 you take care of him and he takes care of you and that means being a big boy and cleaning up your own messes.

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  • Move out for awhile. He'll realize your worth.

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What Girls Said 2

  • wow He is !!

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  • I think its typical guy behaviour. My BFs room is disgusting. And he shifts blame on his Mum and dad all the time. I know he will be like that with me one day.
    I think it goes both ways. I think its immature to shift blame when it's obvious. Tell him you both clean when the place is messy and whenever he does something to mess up the place remind him to not.
    In other words maintain it instead of cleaning a lot. Less arguing

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