How do I prevent this going further?

I've gone out with this guy a few times, basically "dates". He wanted a kiss on the first date but I kept it to a peck, same for the second time we met. He held my hand on the first date. We went to his on Friday and we cuddled and kissed, we acted like a couple who'd been together for ages. He fell asleep on me and said he only does that with people he's known a really long time so he was a bit confused. He looks at me with admiration, I feel he's treating me like a girlfriend now but I don't know if he's just enjoying the company/affection like I am.

I'm not entirely sure of him as a person/potential partner, he's not someone I see myself with for a long time. He does a lot of illegal things, he's been arrested, messes with the wrong crowd, gets into fights, excluded from school and college etc. though he's a softie with me. He doesn't seem to be over his ex either - he attempted suicide after they broke up. He gets very agitated when I talk about other guys, I can tell he's very protective and jealous which is a red flag and not dating material.

I don't feel ready for a relationship either. I'm still wounded from my past relationship. I doubt everything he tells me and I distance myself from him. I just know, I am nowhere near healed or over what's happened.

I enjoy hanging out with him, he's a laugh and because he's a "bad boy" with no limits, he's shown me a more exciting life like letting me drive his BMW and he's taught me some things. He's admitted that it takes him a while for him to make a relationship public and only one of his relationships went public; his last one. But this is going into relationship territory and I'm not ready.

How do I get this across to him without ruining our friendship and/or hurting his feelings?

Updates:
We met yesterday & he went in a mood with me to do with jealousy! He was being very childish & stubborn so I drove him home. He then sped off in his car, but then immediately returned to apologise! He asked me to go inside but I refused. Now I've been getting messages from his friends saying he's really upset, that he really likes me and that I should give him another chance but I've told them I refuse to date someone so jealous & randomly acts like a stroppy child!

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I think you should just talk to him and say that while you enjoy his company, you aren't ready for a relationship yet. The sooner you tell him this, the better things will be. If he's really into you, it will only hurt him more the longer you wait.

    Remaining friends with him is okay (if he is willing to remain friends) but you definitely need to tell him where you stand. It's highly possible that he may not want a regular friendship with you or you could hurt his feelings but it needs to be said. Keeping these thoughts to yourself is only leading him on which is unfair. Just try to deliver the message in a gentle way.

    In all honesty, I feel like you should probably stay single for a while longer since your last relationship ended badly. Take some time to yourself and think about what you really want from a future partner/relationship. Give yourself time to heal.

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    • Yeah, I feel like I'm being unfair to him. Well my ex is dating his ex right now, so I thought maybe I would be able to date to, but it just doesn't feel right. Occasionally, I imagined he was my ex so yeah, it's not a good thing! I know I'm not ready so I need to say something. :|

    • Well it's good that you've realized this kind of early on so hopefully he won't be very hurt when you tell him how you feel. I know you didn't specifically ask for advice in this aspect but please don't compare yourself to your ex. Just because he has apparently moved on doesn't mean you have to force yourself to move on faster. It's okay to be single, try not to pay attention to him and what he's doing. That's only holding you back from being able to move on.

    • Thanks for MH :)

What Guys Said 5

  • Reading this sent all sorts of warning lights, buzzers, and flags up for me. I would not go forward with this guy if I were you. He is no where near being ready for a relationship. WAY too many issues here, and you are too young to get mixed up with a guy like that. There is most likely no way you can preserve the friendship. Be extremely cautious. Listen to your intuition, it will never steer you wrong.

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    • I don't plan to and I've picked up on ALL the red flags, one was shown in the update, but thanks for the advice.

  • Tough spot, but I think this is an indicator of his feelings toward you
    >I'm not entirely sure of him as a person/potential partner, he's not someone I see myself with for a long time. He does a lot of illegal things, he's been arrested, messes with the wrong crowd, gets into fights, excluded from school and college etc. though he's a softie with me.

    Just by reading that, it seemed that he was looking for a positive influence in life: you. He probably escalated things so quickly--the acting like a long time couple--because he wanted to move on as quickly as possible from his previous relationship.

    This is where it all comes down to you. You need to decide if you want to keep seeing him or not, and be 100% honest with him. Feelings are hurt more when the whole truth is not told. If you're dead set on not seeing him anymore, you need to explain exactly what happened in your past relationship and why you're not ready. A girl I tried dating was extremely hot and cold with me for 2 years and it took me an additional year to pry out exactly why her behavior was that way. I felt insulted and extremely that she just flat out didn't say "I'm not ready" as I allowed my emotions and feelings to be exposed and invested in her.

    Do the man a favor, be honest with him. I guarantee you won't hurt his feelings when you say "I'm not ready for another relationship because of what happened which was x, y, and z" or something along those lines.

    The protective and jealous thing is a different story though. There is a difference between being jealous, and being protective. Jealousy implies he doesn't trust you. Protective means he doesn't trust anyone else. The former is insecurity, the later is just an instinct out of care.

    Like I said, think it over and be honest with him. There's no way to sugar coat anything, but the blow can most easily be softened by telling the truth, whole truth, and nothing but the truth

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  • Just keep things the same. Don't change nothing. If he tries to push the issue just tell him that your not ready to take things to the next level.

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    • I thought about that but I still think he could feel lead on.

    • True it does sound like he could think your leading him on. I do think things are moving fast. But that is looking ta he situation from the outside. I don't think your leading him on. It's not like your doing anything wrong. I think it's easy for guys to misinterpret the way how a girl acts or the way she even flirts. It kind of limits what you can do by either still talk to him or slowly distant yourself. He does seem he enjoys your company. And even though of his past. I like the fact that you didn't judge him and accepted him and his situation. Believe me when I tell you. Girls are very jugdemental. And judge a guy on everything.

  • He sounds like a risk indeed... let's hope the BMW has been bought with legal money :o
    Also, as you say, someone who tends to get aggressive and jealous is a risk. He could love you but at the same time want to "possess" you.
    So take revenge the day you leave him.
    I'm also wondering about that statement that he only falls asleep with girls he's been with for a long time... is that the truth or does he say that to every girl he's seducing?
    I'd tell him you need some time to be 100% certain, but that enjoy his company and are very happy to have met him. Diplomacy :D :D

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    • He stole a car when he was 14 and said he'd steal bumpers for my car so he's not really a good person in that sense, yet he says all his mistakes are all in the past! I have a strong moral compass so his illegal antics bother me.
      Exactly. He says he's not as bad as he appears, that he treats girlfriends like gold so he's really angry that I'm apparently not seeing that.
      As you can see in my update, he's kind of fucked it up himself and I've told him that I'm not interested in dating him, but he's not letting me go that easily. I can tell being in a relationship with him would be real difficult. He's got too many issues, he's a criminal pretty much and obviously is immature. Not dating material!

    • You've made the right decision, definitely! Sjeez imagine having stolen bumpers on your car :o :o
      You would feel like crap. You deserve a lot better than that :D

  • So you want to friend zone him?

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    • Is that all you got out of this/care about? Since when did kissing/hugging and going for dates become fiend zone? I also have perfectly good reason to avoid a relationship with him. If you have nothing of use to say, don't comment.

    • I was just trying to get more info. Take it easy

What Girls Said 1

  • well for me, I would just be open and honest with him. but that is just me. someone who is a bad boy knows they are a bad boy and he would respect you for wanting to slow things down a bit.

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