My boyfriend is trans?

I've always suspected it, until it was confirmed to me some days ago. He was born female, and he still has his girl parts. I told him I love him no matter what and I really really love him. But sometimes when I sit down or lay down in bed alone I start to panic and cry. I don't know what to do, I love him so much, but I don't understand why it causes me so much anxiety. Any advice on how to gain some peace?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • It might just take some time for you to come to terms with it. If you love him and still want to be in a relationship with him, then you're going to have to accept him for the way he is.

    Perhaps you should do some self-reflecting and figure out what exactly is causing you to be upset about this. Is it the fact that he was born a female, the fact that he waited so long to tell you, etc? Identifying the source of your feelings will help you to work towards overcoming your anxiety.

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    • I definitely need to do some soul searching. Could be a combination of things, like the lying, not being able to be pregnant with him, the fact that he might not get a bottom surgery. It's so much to take in all at once :/

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    • You're welcome! Things are much better, thankfully :)

    • Good! I'm glad :)

What Guys Said 4

  • if u love him even so.. y do u cry? just don't let any fool judge u coz u r dating a trans basically :-)

    this 8)

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  • You've got that gender shock. It's hard to wrap your mind around something like that especially after you've been together some time. Mixed emotions are normal and you really do love him. As far as finding peace goes that will be between you two.

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    • You think the shock will eventually go away? Maybe it's a matter of time?

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    • Hehe yes, he's stunning <3

    • I'm happy for you both :D

  • Move on. The last thing you need is drama that comes with someone who has "issues".

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  • It's understandable. Push comes to shove, "he" isn't really a "he." If you wanted kids, he can't get you pregnant. You know love the person, which is fine, but realize that in reality, he can't be the complete package (plus all the lying required to get that far into a relationship with you).

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What Girls Said 3

  • I think this is probably just something that takes time to get used to. I can't say for certain what it is that is causing you to be upset, but if I had to guess I would say it's just social programming, for lack of a better term. Basically, there's a lot of things we're taught by peers, the media, whatever, that we don't even notice being taught. Being bigoted against or just weirded out by trans people is one of those things. So the issue is that while you may not notice your bigotry, it can still be there. Like, most people are at least somewhat racist, even though they don't notice it. It's like these little tapes running in our heads that tell us things that we may not even agree with, and yet we can't stop those tapes from running.

    Basically what I'm trying to say is that its entirely possible that your social programming is basically running counter to what you yourself believe, and that social programming is making you be uncomfortable with your boyfriend being trans. Fixing that sort of deeply engrained, almost subconscious bigotry is really, really hard (I still struggle with it a lot myself) but it can be done. If you consciously correct yourself whenever you catch yourself thinking something somehow bigoted, give yourself time, and maybe try to expose yourself to more stuff that will help "reprogram" you, you can probably make progress.

    And yes, I realize that what I'm saying sounds pretty damn weird, like we're all brainwashed into being horrible without even noticing it, but it really does basically work that way.

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    • Also note that part of the reason this sounds kind of weird is probably because I'm just bad at explaining it. Sorry bout that.

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    • Oh I see, I'm glad you're also trying to be more accepting and understand. Thanks again for your help :)

    • Ha, yup, no problem!

  • What exactly are you upset about? That he has a female organ or something else?

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    • The fact that he lied so much, makes me wonder what else he's lying about. And I consider myself completely straight, and I've never had sex with anyone. I don't know how I would react when it's time to get intimate.

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    • Yes I'll sit down and talk to him about it, if there's anything I wont't accept, it's lying. And about the intimacy thing, I'm definitely nervous, but who knows maybe it won't be a big deal.

    • Yeah. Hopefully things turn out better than you think.

  • I guess your never going to have proper sex with her/him then

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    • Way to be both homophobic and transphobic at the same time.

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