My girlfriend calls me the N word?

I'm a black college student and I recently started dating this white female.. It's been great so far and I think i can see myself going the long haul with this girl.. but there's one problem.. she's too comfortable using the N word.. Like when I was worried about how I was gonna pay for the rest of my college semester until my athletic scholarship kicked in.. She voluntarily paid it for me and I asked why she did that and she said "gotta hold my n*gga down" . I've been trying to let it slide but now it's starting to hit extreme heights like in the bedroom.. She's now starting to say the more OFFENSIVE term.. When we were aving sex she called me "n*gger" . And that's where I have to draw the line.. am I just being too sensitive? How do I approach her about this without causing a huge breakup?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • If that word isn't a part of your everyday word use , it shouldn't be a part of hers either.
    She seems to have a lack of regard for your feelings and uses that word as freely as she pleases.
    Your girlfriend does not seem to respect you as a person nor your relationship.
    If I were you I would have one last talk with her about this.
    This would be my last attempt at fixing things.
    I would once again let her know how I feel about this word.
    I would also let her know that if she says it again , our relationship is over because I cannot build something with someone who does not respect me.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Suck it up Princess. The girl paid for the rest of your college education, till your football scholarship kicks in. She loves you enough to pay for your schooling. If it bothers you that much sit down and tell her how you feel about it. Besides how many black Women do you know pay for their boyfriend's scholarship until his football scholarship kicks in? NONE. Dude your blessed with athletes. Be thankful.

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What Girls Said 35

  • wtf? lol this bitch... ^
    yeah no u gotta open ur mouth and just talk to her. be like "hey babe i just wanted to talk to u bout something. lately iv realised that you've been calling me n___. u know i love you, but hearing that term from you is kinda hard for me, and id appreciate it if you replaced it with something a little... you know... less race related".

    all whilst holding her hands or something lol. be kind, smile but also be a touch firm so she can take u seriously.

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  • You're not being too sensitive. When you consider how racist the world still is today and how that word has a lot of violence and hatred behind it, you definitely have the right to be upset when someone's using it. I guess if you really like her, then you need to be comfortable discussing issues in the relationship with her - trust me, everything's better if you can talk it over calmly. Just explain to her how it upsets you and that you'd prefer that she didn't use that word, at least around you. If she cares about you the same way you care about her, she should understand.

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  • You aren't being too sensitive, what she's doing is not okay at all. If it is offending you, you definitely need to speak up and say something about it. Just because she's dating you doesn't give her a free pass for using that term, it's still a derogatory term. If you still want to be with her, I think you should just say something like "Hey, I know we're dating and I really like you but I'm not cool with you referring to me by that term. Could you not do that anymore?" and then see how she reacts. She should be respectful of your feelings on the matter. Just make sure you approach the issue in a calm, non-threatening way so hopefully it won't turn into a conflict.

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  • NO! You are not being too sensitive!!! I am half hispanic/white and my boyfriend is mexican. He always says "ni**a" And I let him know every tiime he says it how much i hate it. I don't care what race anyone is they should not tolerate someone else using a offensive word. And I even told him that i don't care if he uses it around his family (that is just how they roll) but I told him that I dont want to hear it when it's just me and him. It has taken a while and a lot of me being persistent with him, but it's working. My boyfriend doesn't understand why I think that word is wrong, that is his problem tho. You need to let her know that you find that word offensive and if she really likes you she will understand. I do not tolerate any racist/sexist/homophobic bullshit from my boyfriend at all and if he doesn't like it he knows where the door is.

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  • uh.. address it like a man and if she keeps saying it break up with her.. its 2015 if white people want to say n*gger they have to say it at home behind closed doors. Let her know that just because she is dating you doesn't mean the rules dont apply to her.

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  • Tell her exactly how you feel about her saying those things and calling you that. She should be able to respect that. I don't know her history, but maybe she was with a guy who liked to be called that and she assumes you are the same. If she isn't understanding and doesn't care that you find it offensive, then I would walk away. Why would you want to be with someone who belittles and offends you without regard to how you feel? I don't care how hot someone may be, they should still be considerate of you.

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  • No, you're right to feel bummed. My friends and I use the N word but only the "affectionate" way (there's nothing real' affectionate in it, but our intention is not offend each other even though it's an offensive term in the first place). If it's out of the "friendship" context, it's not right for anyone to call an African-American that way. Tell her how you feel, it might change. Who knows, maybe she didn't mean it (well, she'd be dumb). Just talk it out.

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  • In a relationship, if someone does something you don't like, say something.

    I've had boyfriends who called me names and said things I didn't like, so I told them. The smart ones stopped.

    Granted it was never a racial term but the same 'rules' apply.

    This is a no brainer and tell her what you're thinking/feeling. It's just being honest with your partner.

    If she can't hack you're honesty, there are plenty of other women out there who can.

    (on a side note, in my opinion anyone using words like that is really low class)

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  • You're not overreacting and there's nothing wrong with telling her you don't like it. If you don't want to sound harsh you could just tell her, smiling "don't call me that, it's weird" next time she say it. I'd honestly just tell her straight away "you know that n word you call me sometimes? It makes me a little uncomfortable".
    She shouldn't be upset about it, if she is then there's something wrong with her I'm afraid :O

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  • I don't think she realizes it's offending you. O. o

    Talk to her about it... or play some video where a similar thing happens and comment in front of her how offensive that is - maybe she'll take the hint.

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  • That is definitely not okay. That is so disrespectful and rude. Just because she is dating you does not make it okay for her to refer to you in such a manner. I would talk to her about it, and tell her that it is really offensive for her to talk to you in that way. You have every right to if it offends you that much. I'm just saying.

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  • The fastest way to lose a girl is to keep stuff in and walk on eggshells around her because you're afraid of losing her. Just be honest.

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  • Just tell her that it bothers you when you use the N-word. Especially, when you say "n****r." I am asking you to please stop using that word. She always uses it because you don't tell how you feel. If she feels the same way you feel about her, she will stop. You need to bring it to her attention and tell her that it bothers you when you use that term. Good luck! Wish y'all the best.

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  • I don't think you're being to sensitive at all. I'm African American as well, and I personally don't think it's too much to ask for people to not use this word, especially to you're face. I mean, she's you're girlfriend. I think that you should have a serious conversation with her and address the issue and be sure to tell her exactly how you feel. If I was dating a guy of any race that refused to stop calling me this, I would be completely done with him. Lol. Good luck😄.

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  • You're not being sensitive. Thats a derogatory term, whether she means harm or not. I guess if you don't want to cause a huge break up you shouldn't tell her about her privilege so just tell her that you're tired of her using the offensive term and because of that you don't want to be with her anymore.

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  • No, she has no right using that word. You need to check this bitch asap. I wouldn't even want to be with someone like her. That is very disrespectful and, if that was my man I would have checked his ass real quick.

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  • i think its because all over social media people say the n word, i used to never say it cause i thought it was racist but now it kind of passes by me as just another word people use like 'dude.' you made a good point just tell her and she'll say its fine!

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    • like its not going to cause an argument she'll say she;'ll stop and probably be embarrassed

  • Maybe she thinks it funny which it is obviously not! Sounds a bit mocking like too. Dont be worried about causing a breakup, if she can't understand why its causing you some worrie and upset then that is her problem. It should be addressed.

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  • That's unacceptable. Do not think that just because she's dating you that means she's not racist. Tell her straight up that you don't like it when she says that word or calls you that. If it continues then time to move on.

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  • That's a harsh word you need to let her know that at first it was funny and causal but now you feel like IRS offensive

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  • What the actual fuck? Lol wow. Thats really.. wooow.

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  • She probably doesn't realise it's offending or hurting you, just sit her down and tell her. And you're not being sensitive if you feel offended.

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  • no that is definitely not okay, just tell her the next time she says it and just explain, girls are a lot more understanding

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  • Sometimes that's what happens when you date outside your race and when people are raised like animals, by ignorant or hateful patrarchs.

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  • you need to talk to her about it

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  • No you aren't being too God Damn sensitive!!! And anyone who says you are obviously aren't black and will never understand

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  • Tell her that "n*gga" is okay sometimes and "n*gger" is never okay, as it is a derogatory term. Just be honest with her and if she doesn't like it (I doubt she will mind) then her loss not yours. :)

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  • it happens just learn to let it go

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  • I don't like any racial slurs, doesn't matter who's saying it. But yeah, my ex's white friend used to say that kind of stuff all the time, it was cringe worthy. She is being disrespectful, wtf?

    I would let her know that using that term bothers you and makes you uncomfortable. I really hope she stops...

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  • More from Girls
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What Guys Said 29

  • Call her a cracker.

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  • You're not being too sensitive. I can hardly believe any one would do this. Any girl who loves you will happily address you any way you wish. Ask her to please cleanse the Nword from her vocabulary when she's around you.
    If she can't do it she's not the girl you're looking for.

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  • Oh man... that's a tough one. In my books, any woman that volunteeringly chips in when money is short is worth hanging on to, but in this case, it sounds like you being black and her being white plays into some sort of sexual fetish thing.

    Tough call mate. Very tough call.

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  • She sounds like white trash tbh. Tell her to quit it. If she doesn't, then leave.

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  • That is really disrespectful bit clearly she's not a racist since she is dating you. I would just talk to her and tell her you care about her but it is something that really bothers you. Then ask her why she does it and explain that you would really appreciate it if she didn't do it anymore

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  • Tell her straight up. Sounds like it may be more of a fetish thing for her... but if you want long term, best to find out now if she's willing to be sensitive to your thoughts on the matter or not. If she's just after you for the status, probably best to tell her to look for another guy who's okay with being called racially sensitive names.

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  • NO, you are not overreacting. She doesn't sound very bright, to be honest. Why don't you just talk to her, address this issue in a serious way, so she understands.

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  • "I don't like it when you use the n word, I didn't want to tell you about it earlier because I thought it was a spur of the moment thing, but you keep doing it and it really bothers me. I'm not angry at you and I still want to go out with you but I don't like it when you use that word, it's derogatory and I just don't feel right when you use it."

    Lol it looks like she's acting out some sort of scene that she has in her mind or something. It's always good to talk about things in a relationship, sorry if this answers a bit late.

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  • I don't know about the chemistry in your relationship, but I would try to find a way to tell her she shouldn't use those terms without being a buzz-kill. I can't put it in writing, but I'm sure you can find a way to do it.
    But, tbh, it's kind of weird that she does that.

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  • Sensitive? Bruh you don't know sensitive..
    "Babe.. you can be replaced" <- Is what I would say and that's me being nice about it but then again you let it get that far
    Sit her down and have one of those serious ass relationship on the line talks

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  • Bluntly say you aren't comfortable with her saying it and if she could stop. I mean, my friends and I talk this way sometimes, but sounds like she doesn't know it offends you.

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  • Tell her you don't want her saying the word, just tell her the truth.

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  • Just tell her you don't like her calling you that

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  • she's got issues man.. Sum weird freaky kinky issues

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  • She's seen Pulp Fiction too many times

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  • just tell her that it is making you uncomfortable

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  • (Tell her)

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    • Take a serious posture and tone, tell her this is really important to you, that you suspect that she didn't really mean any harm, but could she please stop doin' that... pherhaps even that it really hurts you when she says that...

    • Try not to *tell* her to do anything, just let her know it's important to you

  • You should talk to her about it.

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  • You better tell her to cut that shit out

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  • just tell here you don't like it; if she flips and gets mad... walk away.

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  • its fine stop being a pussy, your girl is cool as shit!

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  • As a black male, I would love for a white woman to feel comfortable enough calling me the N word, especially in the bedroom. This is obviously a fantasy of hers so let the girl enjoy herself. Consider yourself lucky that you're even with a white woman and stop complaining.

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  • Tell her you are not comfortable with it, if she persists put your anaconda in her mouth.

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  • She wants to feel like she is some black rappers little bitch it sounds like.

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  • You won't be doing the long haul with her. blacks use the N word all the time. Either it is offlimits for all or not. that word was dead 20 years ago, blacks brought it back, 'gratz. Oh, only blacks can use it? Yeah right.

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    • She called him a N*gger. Black people use Nigga. Not N*gger

    • Show All
    • Plenty of youtube videos with black people using both.

  • Most white girls who date black guys are fucked up mentally anyways

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  • I don't think you're being too sensitive. Some white people who have black friends get comfortable with the term but I think it's a bit pretentious and short sighted of them. For example my black friends will refer to me as "my n*gger" sometimes, obviously it doesn't bother them and tbh it doesn't bother me. But I'd still feel wrong using the term myself. I think you should explain how you feel about it and it'll tell you a lot about her whether she takes it seriously and respects you or just brushes it off ans unimportant.

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  • You guys always talk to eachother like that. She prob thinks it's alright to also.

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  • I don't know why you'd complain about the first one unless you're against everyone using it. It's in a lot of popular culture, so it's going to bleed through.
    The second usage sounds like she's into race play. You two aren't compatible in that way.

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