Infidelity: Is There Someone Else?

Hey Girls and Guys,

It's been six months now that I have been dating my partner. We've had our share of ups and downs and have made the best of what we have to be where we are now. Most recently however, I have been having deep feelings that she may be seeing someone else. As the old adage goes, 'trust your gut', yet I can't seem to decipher whether it is my own mind playing tricks, or there is in fact something going on.

Before I left on a business trip, she said that she wants 'us' to be single/unofficial until I get back (to be clear we never were official). She explained that most of this is due to her own insecurities and lack of trust due to experiences in past relationships.

Another concern is that every Thursday she goes out dancing, without me. I'm all fair with her decision and I go out on my own as well, but it's the shift in behavior that surrounds her actions. For example: She used to tell me who she goes with and would text to check-in, but not anymore. She also no longer discloses who she goes with and never invites me. On some nights, when we plan to meet up later that evening after dancing, she doesn't even answer her phone or come through.

Is this a cause for concern?

Possible Red Flags
-When I got back from my business trip, she now tells me she wants to use condoms until I/we get tested (I confronted her and asked if she is seeing someone or had sex and denied it)
-Used to tell me who she is with when she goes out to dance and text me when she was home, now does not ( also confronted her but she never replied as to why)
-Does not always invite me to outings, wants to go alone or meet with friends (clubs, bars, etc.)

It is hard to trust my gut on this one but the feeling has been lingering on and off for the past month. At this point, I do not mind if she is seeing someone else, more so, I want to find out how to tell if she is because I feel she may simply not be telling the truth in order to not lose me.

Thanks GAG!


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Hmmmm... quite the conundrum. I've literally been in your exact shoes and had the same feeling. Though our situations are different because there are different people involved, the behavior is the same and Im feeling 'those same gut feelings' all over again.

    Let me share with you my current perspective on the matter:
    Relationships, ALL relationships, are founded and built on two principles. Trust and communication. Based on what you've explained, neither are present from her. She has not shown that she has trust in you or the relationship. Additionally, she has faltered in her communication with you. I do not know either of you but, based on what you've explained, there currently is no relationship. What I see, is an arrangement that benefits her needs.

    Let me ask you a few questions.
    Is she a beautiful woman?
    How important are her looks to her?
    Does she obsess about her looks?
    Is she quick to do things that she feels will change how others view her i. e; in a more positive light?
    How many guys (boyfriends) were there before you?
    Does she still talk to any of them?
    How many 'guy friends' does she have?
    How many of theses are ex's?
    Is she protective of her phone or carry it with her at all times?
    Does she like to drink/party to excess?

    If you answer yes to more than say 5-6 of any of these questions, you may have a situation on your hands. In which case you'd want to get out before you get hurt badly. Unfortunately for me, I ignored all the signs for 3+ years and had my heart ripped from my chest. I want to save you the trouble...

    Because I do not know either of you, I am not implying that what I am saying is 'the gospel'. What I am doing is recalling behavior that I have personally observed and experienced.

    Let me know if I can do anything else.

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    • I am very amazed at some of the high level responses I receive on here from members. Thank you very much for this response. It is extremely helpful. To recap, I simply ended up talking with her which really helped me move forward with any insecurities. Fast forward to today, we are on the verge of break up again because she still has lack of trust in me, even though I have been able to move forward with my trust in her. I'll leave that to another post!

What Girls Said 1

  • Wouldn't it be better if you asked her? If she wants to break up, then fine. Find someone else, your world won't end for just one woman.

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What Guys Said 4

  • You definitely have reasons to be concerned about what she's doing. Be more assertive and direct, and say that you really need a serious talk with her, and ask her again if she really is seeing someone else. If she's been ignoring her phone when you text her or if she's not inviting you to events anymore, then something's definitely wrong.

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    • Thank you, DarkxAngel20. I appreciate your advice.

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    • Yeah man, easier said.

    • It's not hard to dump her if she doesn't care anymore. It's actually much harder if you two really had an emotional connection.

  • personally i'd b worried mostly coz she doesn't tell u anymore who's seein... maybe she might b hidin sth bro

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  • The condom thing says she may have had sex with someone and she doesn't want you to potentially catch something and blame her.

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  • I probably feel you need to have her over at your place or somewhere she is comfortable with where after the discussion she can leave in ease. In that way you can get her to tell the truth with more comfort. Explain that it isn't about your insecurity or trust issues but more about your gut feeling and you can't help it but to check with her. If you're being polite, i'm sure she will open up. And even if it hurts, at that point of time do not react in anger, it will stop her from telling the truth she might perhaps be afraid to hurt you. If its true she's seeing someone else, ask her what does she think are the ways to settle this issue. Yes it is hard to let go of her of stay cool over this matter but when you look back at this, you will realise that how you reacted matters most, it could even have saved the relationship. however do not leave out the possibility that you might still be wrong about your gut feeling. I hope things go well here.

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