Hey guys! Just wondering if you all can offer me some advice on this situation. I feel like I am terrible at dating, gah! It's so stressful. :-P
I have been going out with a guy for about 3 weeks. I slept with him right off the bat which is probably a terrible mistake, but I hadn't been with anyone or even felt remotely up to being with a guy in a year -- so sue me! I couldn't help it :P
Anyhow, I'm afraid I have somehow f***ed this all up. He pursued me consistently for 3 weeks but our relationship was pretty much founded on sex. While that is fun and all and I don't regret it, I really wanted to get to know the guy I had first met and had such a good time talking to. Things took a turn for the worst when I left to go home for 10 days. When I came back and tried to meet up with him he couldn't find the time :-/ Not really sure what happened in the 10 days I left but it became pretty obvious to me that he was blowing me off, so I just went ahead and confronted him about it.
Here is the text convo I had with him:
me: R you interested in getting together Thurs night? Haven't seen you in awhile & would love to catch up :)
him: honestly I have 2 work til 9:30 Thurs so... I'm not deliberately avoiding you either tho it may seem so.
me: well WTF!
him: well I don't really know where things are @ or going w/this which is y I've been a little distant & I don't want it 2 b weird if you & my roommate start working together
(I might work with his roommate on some design projects, random but unrelated)
me: well, we should talk about this... you don't have to avoid me :) I don't really know where this is going either
him: 4 sure u're super cool & I def had fun hanging out. I hope you don't think of of me as a total douche. we may be having a holiday party here Friday ill letcha know k?
me: well, we should probably have a phone chat before that if its cool with you?
him: absolutely not... kidding! I will give ya a ring tom night sum time
me: ok, gimme a call. not trying to scare u.. just think we should chat about this.
well, after this he didn't call. :-/ I'm kind of upset about it because I think he got the wrong idea. I really just wanted to talk to him and say "hey, I don't think we should sleep with each other anymore, I think you're a very interesting guy and I would rather get to know you as friends before either of us decide to take this any further. sorry that I led you on so fast, I was horny" haha
well, now that I've written this all out I can't even remember my question. guess this is just on my mind because I wish things would have turned out differently. it's hard for me to find guys that share the same passions as me and I don't know how to let guys get to know me without them losing interest. I've never successfully dated someone and had it turn into a relationship, I'm always long time friends with a guy and then it blossoms into something more. guess I'm just looking for any advice about this situation/the way I act. :P
Most Helpful Guy
I don't think you're bad at dating; I think you're bad at communicating and considering the emotional world of the other person.
The timing of the two of you having sex had nothing to do with it. Your attitude on the other hand, is exactly what caused him to lose interest in you and want to distance himself from you both emotionally and physically.
Guys have it easier when it comes to male-female communication. We grow up being told girls are all emotional and have feelings. We go through our phase where we think psychology is a bunch of mumbo-jumbo at par with horoscopes & Santa. But when we snap out of it; we're actually very in touch with how a girl is feeling emotionally when we're talking to her. At least when I'm talking to a girl, I'm constantly in her head. I'm in her place, in her shoes, and first I think about how she's feeling and what she's thinking; (how I want her to feel and think; especially towards me) and then I speak or do accordingly.
That's very very different from thinking about what "I" want emotionally, and then trying to force it or push it onto someone else. Nobody likes to be confronted or pressured. Nobody wants to lose their freedom or independence of choice. Nobody wants to feel controlled. Because feeling controlled implies that what you are being forced or pressued into doing is not something that is in your best interest; but in the best interest of the person controlling you. And naturally, we all want to reject being in that place, and run away from people who make us feel as if they're trying to trap us into that place.
What you are doing, is you're getting "excited".
When you start dating someone, and you like them, you have to keep your enthusiasm in check. You have to resist the all-too-common attention-seeking pitfalls.
- Calling or texting more than once in a row.
- Calling or texting more than twice a day.
- Trying to get more than 2.5 hours of his time during the workweek
Why are these pit-falls?
Because you're being emotionally immature and selfish. But more importantly, by pulling on the other person emotionally, you're demanding they give you their attention and time or else you'll get upset. That's pressure. And slowly, they'll feel pressured to give you their attention and time (when they don't want to; because they have other things in their life to do). When that happens, in his mind, you turn from a fun girl he loved talking to and hanging out with and having sex with, to someone who is eating into his life and time. You've just conditioned him to feel negative when thinking about you; and given him motivation to try and distance himself from you; and if necessary, escape all-together.
You want him to give you his attention and time, not because he feels forced or pressured to, or because you confronted him about it; but because he wants to. The amount of attention and time he'll want to give you on his own will grow over time. Don't try and force it, or else you'll lose it all.2