Can someone offer some advice?

Hey guys! Just wondering if you all can offer me some advice on this situation. I feel like I am terrible at dating, gah! It's so stressful. :-P

I have been going out with a guy for about 3 weeks. I slept with him right off the bat which is probably a terrible mistake, but I hadn't been with anyone or even felt remotely up to being with a guy in a year -- so sue me! I couldn't help it :P

Anyhow, I'm afraid I have somehow f***ed this all up. He pursued me consistently for 3 weeks but our relationship was pretty much founded on sex. While that is fun and all and I don't regret it, I really wanted to get to know the guy I had first met and had such a good time talking to. Things took a turn for the worst when I left to go home for 10 days. When I came back and tried to meet up with him he couldn't find the time :-/ Not really sure what happened in the 10 days I left but it became pretty obvious to me that he was blowing me off, so I just went ahead and confronted him about it.

Here is the text convo I had with him:

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me: R you interested in getting together Thurs night? Haven't seen you in awhile & would love to catch up :)

him: honestly I have 2 work til 9:30 Thurs so... I'm not deliberately avoiding you either tho it may seem so.

me: well WTF!

him: well I don't really know where things are @ or going w/this which is y I've been a little distant & I don't want it 2 b weird if you & my roommate start working together

(I might work with his roommate on some design projects, random but unrelated)

me: well, we should talk about this... you don't have to avoid me :) I don't really know where this is going either

him: 4 sure u're super cool & I def had fun hanging out. I hope you don't think of of me as a total douche. we may be having a holiday party here Friday ill letcha know k?

me: well, we should probably have a phone chat before that if its cool with you?

him: absolutely not... kidding! I will give ya a ring tom night sum time

me: ok, gimme a call. not trying to scare u.. just think we should chat about this.

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well, after this he didn't call. :-/ I'm kind of upset about it because I think he got the wrong idea. I really just wanted to talk to him and say "hey, I don't think we should sleep with each other anymore, I think you're a very interesting guy and I would rather get to know you as friends before either of us decide to take this any further. sorry that I led you on so fast, I was horny" haha

well, now that I've written this all out I can't even remember my question. guess this is just on my mind because I wish things would have turned out differently. it's hard for me to find guys that share the same passions as me and I don't know how to let guys get to know me without them losing interest. I've never successfully dated someone and had it turn into a relationship, I'm always long time friends with a guy and then it blossoms into something more. guess I'm just looking for any advice about this situation/the way I act. :P


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Most Helpful Guy

  • I don't think you're bad at dating; I think you're bad at communicating and considering the emotional world of the other person.

    The timing of the two of you having sex had nothing to do with it. Your attitude on the other hand, is exactly what caused him to lose interest in you and want to distance himself from you both emotionally and physically.

    Guys have it easier when it comes to male-female communication. We grow up being told girls are all emotional and have feelings. We go through our phase where we think psychology is a bunch of mumbo-jumbo at par with horoscopes & Santa. But when we snap out of it; we're actually very in touch with how a girl is feeling emotionally when we're talking to her. At least when I'm talking to a girl, I'm constantly in her head. I'm in her place, in her shoes, and first I think about how she's feeling and what she's thinking; (how I want her to feel and think; especially towards me) and then I speak or do accordingly.

    That's very very different from thinking about what "I" want emotionally, and then trying to force it or push it onto someone else. Nobody likes to be confronted or pressured. Nobody wants to lose their freedom or independence of choice. Nobody wants to feel controlled. Because feeling controlled implies that what you are being forced or pressued into doing is not something that is in your best interest; but in the best interest of the person controlling you. And naturally, we all want to reject being in that place, and run away from people who make us feel as if they're trying to trap us into that place.

    What you are doing, is you're getting "excited".

    When you start dating someone, and you like them, you have to keep your enthusiasm in check. You have to resist the all-too-common attention-seeking pitfalls.

    - Calling or texting more than once in a row.

    - Calling or texting more than twice a day.

    - Trying to get more than 2.5 hours of his time during the workweek

    Why are these pit-falls?

    Because you're being emotionally immature and selfish. But more importantly, by pulling on the other person emotionally, you're demanding they give you their attention and time or else you'll get upset. That's pressure. And slowly, they'll feel pressured to give you their attention and time (when they don't want to; because they have other things in their life to do). When that happens, in his mind, you turn from a fun girl he loved talking to and hanging out with and having sex with, to someone who is eating into his life and time. You've just conditioned him to feel negative when thinking about you; and given him motivation to try and distance himself from you; and if necessary, escape all-together.

    You want him to give you his attention and time, not because he feels forced or pressured to, or because you confronted him about it; but because he wants to. The amount of attention and time he'll want to give you on his own will grow over time. Don't try and force it, or else you'll lose it all.

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    • Hmm, I see what you are saying. I didn't really think I was messaging him that much before I sent all of the texts messages above. I hadn't seen him, I messaged him twice in two weeks asking if he wanted to get together to which he told me he was busy. Is there anything I could do to turn this around or have I just dug myself into a hole. I have no idea how I can even talk to him after he didn't contact me.

    • I'll tell you what I tell my little brother. The worst thing that can happen by walking up to someone; is finding out they don't like you. That's it. And it's not so bad. In fact, it's not bad at all. It's actually good. It let's you know right there and then, that the relationship you were looking for and wanted to find; didn't (and never will) exist with that person. So you can now move on to s/o else. You've narrowed down your pool & are that much closer to finding what you want.

    • I mean, come on! If a guy or girl really likes you, they don't want to avoid you. Maybe they don't have that much time; but they don't try and avoid you! That either mean's you're being overbearing or they're just not interested in you. So the best thing to do is to just do nothing. If they care, they'll get into contact again. If they don't care, you've already started moving on.

      Don't waste your time trying to create something that isn't there.

What Guys Said 6

  • You know ten days can seem like an eternity to a guy. When I met my wife ( we've been married for 24 years), I was not in the market for a girl friend or relationship of any kind. She just kept popping up. She didn't smother me but was usually available. She didn't insist on being the only one, but was the one I could count on. She didn't pry into my personal life but was happy with the part she had. She didn't stop me from doing the guy things I liked to do but found a way to be part of those things. Eventually, I couldn't be without her. The point is that you need to find something that he is interested in and invite him to join you. I don't think the sex is the problem and cutting that out may only make things more complicated. At what point would it again be OK to have sex. Pretty confusing. Have a nice dinner out and a few drinks at your place and enjoy yourself. If your creative in bed and are comfortable with your own sexuality and you don't have a bunch of hang ups. And if you can hold your own in a conversation and listen as much as you talk. Then you've won half the battle. It's really important that you encourage the guy to do the things that he likes to do and you will be there when he gets back. He will come running back.

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    • I am a girl, & I do not think girls are all emotional, or do I thi guys are prely logical tinkers - especially not when they are horny.. I undersatnd what you are sayig aout gettig ot undersatnd waht soeone is thinking or needing by 'feeling' them.. theproblem with tat - which I know about from personal mis haps. - is that whoever you are, & no matter HOW good you tend you are psychologically, you still run the risk of unwittingly projecting.. & In that case, the they WILL feel CONTROLLED

  • The sex messed up this relationship.

    if "to let guys get to know me" means sex, you need to sort your priorities.

    If not, then just have a long-term friendship with the guy. You can let him into the innermost recesses of your mind and being, but not your body.

    This will prove him to be a friend, not just looking for a hook-up.

    Ted

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    • Oh no... that is not what I meant! haha I can count the number of guys I've slept with on one hand. I don't think sex is getting to know me at all! my problem is that I'm just trying to see him again..

  • Hmmm sorry to say this but you come across as needy and demanding in those texts. Way too much for a few dates. Perhaps that's what made him want to distance himself and escape.

    Most women don't put out straight away (especially if they see the guy as long term potential)Women have much more of a connection to sex with someone they see as a potential partner than Men do and get an attachment to that person. They get all these chemicals flowing around them and they can get a little confused and erratic. This is because they have given themselves to you. Now if the Lady in question has held out for at least a bit and has given the guy time to chase and chase and digest and thoughts of you the lady are embedded in our minds then we are a bit more accepting of this behaviour. But if you put out straight away and then get all clingy .. let's meet up .. When are you next free... Please call me... I think we shoudl talk... OH PLEASE GET BACK TO ME! I'M NOT TRYING TO SCARE YOU! Well you have; then we run for the hills...IT WAS JUST SEX... GET OVER IT!..

    Women who are not interested in long term but have an attraction can be just the same and f*** the guy over on the same level.

    I just think you were a little desperate in your quest for a relationship... Next time take your time a little. Move on from this guy. Your window of opportunity has passed. The only reason he will call you know is when he wants to get little man wet if you know what I mean.

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  • he has some1 else.. Sorry to break it to you.. But you were just a fling to him..

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    • I don't really care if he has some1 else, I'm interested in getting his attention again and getting to know him.

    • Doesnt work like that, its like a car, Would you drive a 1991 Porsche? or would you drive a 2010 porsche? the new girl has him, ur old new cause you played ur game with him, you forced him to go.. Sorry miss, I tell it how it is. No sugar coating

  • It sounded as if he still actually liked you and he was just busy, until he didn't call you. I'm not sure about him after that, but I'm sure you have it figured out after 2 months

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  • you're being a bit over bearing based on the conversation. I would recommend seeing other people, or at least not put all your eggs in one basket

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What Girls Said 8

  • Okay, my question is how much contact did you and him have during the 10 days you were home? Any phone calls, emails, texts during that time period?

    Based on what you said and reading the text convo, I would say move on sweetie. Men have one track minds and it is out of sight out of mind.

    I can relate to you though, a few years back I met a guy that I got instantly in the sack with (also frustrated for lack of sex months leading up to said night :) ) and had a fabulous 2 week fling. Then I left on a business trip for 4 weeks and during that time I decided to write him (yes snail mail). He later told me that when he got that unexpected first letter from me, that is when he really considered me. He thought it was a nice fling as well and had mentally moved on, but the letter gave him pause. Many letters and contact later, plus a few years, we are talking engagement.

    If you are set on pursuing this guy, I would do something more personal than a text message or even a phone call. Go by and visit him. Have coffee and just talk. Tell him you're interested. If he doesn't respond and continues with the little boy game of avoidance, then I would move on. It isn't weird, you are both adults. Good luck!

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  • you saying WTF is a bit extreme

    and just because you two had sex the first date doesn't mean it won't work out.

    It is possible he's really busy

    I also think that the way you react to things has to be less emotional. I have this problem as well. I'm an emotional person for sure but I don't or I seem apathetic.

    I agree with manonthe moon that you need to do things together to build up this relationship. What does he like to do? anyways good luck. I hope things work out :)

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  • Don't change the way you are or the person you are for anybody hun. Inside you'll end up unhappy if that is what gets you into a relationship. Seems like this guy just wants is sex and if that is what you want go for it! Be FWB (friends with benefits) so you have your fun until the right guy comes along. Also on another note... I've noticed when ever I've had FWB the guy usually ends up liking me in more than a sexual and friendly way, because he wants what he can't have! Goodluck hun.

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  • If a guy wants to hang out with you, he'll find a way to hang out with you. If he doesn't make any effort anymore, then he's probably over it. <-- That's pretty much the way my guy friends sum it all up. And it seems about right in this case. The whole roommate thing sounds like it was just an excuse.

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  • I think this guy is not really interested in continuing a serious relationship with you.. either he chaged his mind by the way you confronted him or he just have you as afling. A man that is into someone will find time to reach you and be with you, without you reminding them.. Goodl luck!

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  • I would just have let him know that I liked hanging out, then just give him space- not cause he is GUY just cause things moved quick- id give the same advice to a girl.

    The way yu wrote seemed a little pushy, for some one is a little hesitant right now. NOt that you wee wrong, but maybe he is just freaked out in general & wants some time.. I a have noticed this REALLY ANNOYING annoying thing, that guys always assume woman want like a huge commitment any time sex is involved , so it becomes a double edged thing,if the guy does not know what HE WANTS... cause he wants the sex, & likes the girl, but since you guys just started getting involved, neither knows what the other wants I term of a relationship.

    I always have a bit of the WHAT ABOUT AFTER talk with people FIRST.

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  • if I was you, I would call/text him and just be like, "hey, I don't think we should sleep with each other anymore, I think you're a very interesting guy and I would rather get to know you as friends before either of us decide to take this any further. sorry that I led you on so fast, I was horny" like you said, but changed it uhp a bit. haha. but just try to be friends first before you go any further again.

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  • He is definitely no longer interested. He is rejecting all of your attempts at discussing the issue. I think sex complicates things, honestly. But I think if you take sex out of the equation, there is nothing wrong with your dating. As for this guy, for him to say he does not want to be a douche, followed by being a douche...means he knows he is behaving badly. Move on.

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