My boyfriend didn't tell me or invite me?

My boyfriend and i are both 24 and have bern dating for 2 years. I found out that he has been having lunch with his ex of 3 years that he broke up with 6 months before we started dating. They work nearby eachother and my boyfriend says they met up like 3 times. Im really hurt that he didn't mention this to me right away because to me having lunch with an ex is different than just a female friend that he never had feelings for. He said he didn't want me overreacting. What i told my boyfriend was when he said that it rells me that meeting up with his ex and her feelings are more important than your current gfs feelings when obvs it should be the opppsite. My best friend and mom both said that if it was innocent that he should invite me along everytime and that lunches or whatever with exs should be done as a couple. My boyfriend apologized and said he realized how it lookwd and sounded. Should i give him another chance or dump him


0|0
21|19

Most Helpful Guy

  • This isn't something to dump a boyfriend over, insecurities never are. Assuming he's telling the truth, for which there seems to be no reason not too, the main reason he didn't tell you was because of the very fact that this is the kind of response he was expecting from you. Now this doesn't in any way excuse the fact that he didn't tell you, that was wrong, but clearly for whatever reason he doesn't feel comfortable enough with you to tell you about these things and apparently that is because he expects you to overreact. He is responsible for being open about these things with you, but you, in turn, are responsible for giving him the room to do so, which you're not if you expect him to only spend time with an ex if you're there with him.

    Moreover, you're misreading the situation. This has nothing to do with feelings his ex might have or him prioritizing those feelings over yours. That's how you're interpreting it because it's strategically convenient for you to do so in order to place full responsibility for the situation on him, while it seems to me like the reality of the situation is that the guy felt like he was stuck behind a rock and a hard place.

    What I'm trying to say is: making him feel like he's being trusted is at least as important as trusting him. You're going to need both for any relationship to work.

    3|1
    0|0
    • I get that i talked to him and we both agreed that meeting for lunch is one thing and it is one thing to go alone if i can't make it but if i am available he said i am always welcome. But my question still is if he knew it would hurt me and make me uncomfortable why is it still that important to him to meetup with his ex? That to me shows that he thought about it and said look i know this will upset my girlfriend but seeing this ex is so important that im willihg to do it behind her back. It was more the principle of it that he couldnt do it when i was around to make sure i felt comfortable. I "overreacted" because of him hiding it if he has just been up frobt about it and included me then ok fine i would have been a lot more understanding. Im sorry but i haaaateee the excuse lf i didn't tell you because i knew you wluld be mad well yes now im mad because you did something you knew would bother me. Also the sketchy part is that he didn't wanna even include me we have the same schedule and we live

    • Show All
    • Sorry but when im im a committed relationship i expect that he will fully commit and our relationship will be his main focus (i dont mean always above everything else but above a past lover at least) and that he won't play games by being shady and keeping old exs around
      Keep your exs in the past i don't have time for these mind games. Either treat me like i deserve to be treated and respect me and mt feelings or gtfo. Because there are plenty of men who wouldn't secretly hangout alone with exs or at least i clude me in their hangouts

    • I have to disagree. If your relationship is so fragile that your boyfriend would develop such significant feelings for one of his exes simply by hanging out alone with them, then your relationship is doomed to fail anyway. One of my best friends is an ex of mine and if I really want to hang out with her my girlfriend feels no special need to be there with me. She trusts me and she has confidence in our relationship.

      Regardless, it seems to me like your boyfriend would sooner agree with me than with you on that part, which is probably why he didn't want to tell you. Just because she's an ex doesn't mean she means nothing to him now. You don't just stop caring about someone if you don't have any romantic feelings for them anymore and protecting the (fragile) ego of the person you're with is hardly a reason to break off a friendship.

      But you don't have to listen to me. If you want to pressure your boyfriend like this then go ahead. I just doubt it'll do your relationship much good.

Most Helpful Girl

  • It does seem kinda odd that he would do that. But honestly, it really depends on what type of relationship they have now.

    I'm going to tell you a bit about my situation, and it will give you something to think about..

    I was seeing this guy for just under a year, we were together and 4 months into the relationship I moved in with him. My lease was up at my old place and I had to move because the landlord wanted to renovate the space and use it for herself. I moved in with him out of convenience and the fact that I desperately needed somewhere to go.

    10 months later, we ended up getting an apartment with one of his friends. It's a 3 bedroom apartment.

    A month or so later, we broke up. It was a bad break up, he wanted to just meet different girls and have sex, and I wanted a more committed relationship. We could both see that it wasn't going to work out. He ended up dumping me, and it was hard at first, but I was locked into the lease so I stayed.

    It hasn't been easy, but I can say now that we are just friends. We both have fought a lot and stuff, but our relationship now is much better. It's not a romantic relationship, but now just a friendship.

    I am seeing someone else and he is also seeing other people. My boyfriend has no issue with it, as he knows it's purely a platonic friendship. I have no interest in being with my ex, as we have different ideas.

    Now, in your situation, perhaps this guy truly just has a friendship. That is hard to know. I can definitely understand your concerns, I would have the same concerns. But just because he is meeting her for lunch, doesn't mean he wants to be with her.

    It was only 3 times, maybe they are just trying to be friends? I'm not saying that you don't have a right to feel the way you do. Your feelings are definitely valid.

    My advice to you is to talk to him about it and find out what their relationship is like. Just explain how you feel and why. I think he will understand. Don't accuse him of anything, just say it makes you feel uncomfortable. Maybe by talking to him he will understand where you are coming from and stop seeing her.

    Or, maybe from talking with him he will be able to make you feel more comfortable. Perhaps his ex is seeing someone else. Maybe even suggest meeting her and having lunch together.

    0|0
    0|0

What Guys Said 18

  • Don't dump him over this.

    Now is the perfect time to talk about any insecurities you have about your relationship, and lay out the groundwork for healthy boundaries you both should have with each other. Take this opportunity to make your bond stronger than ever. Obviously, your boyfriend has erred by keeping this from you, but consider his point of view.

    Ask yourself these questions, and answer honestly: Are prone to over-reacting? Do you get upset (even secretly) over not getting your way? Do you behave passive aggressively when he does something that doesn't please you?

    It would not be fair to make assumptions about his fidelity, when he obviously had you in mind, because he was trying not to upset you. Granted, dishonesty is the worst policy in relationships, but with understanding, these things can be forgiven.

    You've probably given him the impression that he wouldn't be allowed to maintain a friendship with her. Your feelings are important, but are they important enough to supersede his feelings too? Have you considered that perhaps his relationship with his ex is an important friendship to him? He might have thought it was a bad idea to bring your current girlfriend to lunch with your ex. (This idea could have come from a friend or a TV show, even.)

    Going to lunch with them and try not to be jealous. Try to answer this next set of questions. Is she kind to him? Does she acknowledge you as important to him? Does she try to be kind to you? Does she celebrate your relationship?

    Bonus points: It might be advantageous to be friends with his ex (maybe he's got dirty secrets he knows she'd tell you, haha.)

    If you've given these questions critical thought and unbiased judgement and you still think something shady is going on, save yourself the trouble of going psycho and break up with him now.

    5|0
    0|0
    • I thought about it and honestly how can you expect someone to not get jealous or think its a little shady to meet up alone woth an ex? If it was a female friend that he never dated thats completely different. But in my opinion the big issue here is that he found his ftiendship sooo important with his ex that he was willing to not care about his own gfs feelings. It stops being an innocent friendship when you go out of way to not include your girlfriend in your friendship. If it was innocent then these hangouts wouldn't need to be on tbe down low and those are the reasons i very calmly explained to him when explaining why it bothered me so much. I expect if i am serious with a man to be a part of his friendships with his ex. And that at the end of the day my feelings would always come first (before an ex). He agreed and said he would include me in their hangouts. I mean lets be real here it wasn't like they dated 10 years ago for a few months or something this was a long relationship. Usually these friends

    • Show All
    • I'm not trying to defend the guy. What he did was retarded. We can all agree with that.

      If you want us to judge this guy as harshly as you are, answer these questions: What is their history? Why did their relationship end?

      You seem so convinced that he valuing his ex over you, you can't even pretend for a second that this was not meant to hurt you.

      Look, I'm not trying to defend the guy. I'm trying to help you THINK before you JUDGE. A wisdom that was severely lacking in your post.

      I want to commend you for laying out your expectations for him. Not everyone is a mind reader. I hope you go a step further and try to understand his.

      But, if you're going to think this way for the rest of the relationship, just break up with the dude. By harboring these suspicions, the residual attitude will only sour what romance you have left and then he might just end up with his ex--or a new girl.

    • A healthy loving relationship is way more important than the dramatic gestures you are making. My real advice is you either break up with him or learn to forgive him. And if you can't do one, then you'd better get started with the other.

  • For me, that is no different that cheating. He has no business going out with any straight woman without you being there. Just as you have no business going out with any straight guy without him being there. Sorry, men and women are not friends. In his case this is telling me he is "keeping his options". if you break up, she breaks up with whomever she is going with, the planets align, whatever, he has the chance of jumping into the sack with her. Whether you forgive him is your decision but I would be done if I found that out.

    1|0
    0|3
    • Lol you need to chill it's just lunch he wen apologized

    • Show All
    • by the way... he only apologized because he got caught. so he certainly isn't sincere about it. You can bet he will continue to do this if he isn't doing worse.

    • From what I understood... he didn't get caught, he told her.

  • I think if he is willing to show you that he meant nothing by it and invite you along then yes I would give him a chance. I don't think what he did was a good thing but I don't think (from how your describing it) it was intentionally trying to harm you or he is trying to hook back up with her. He absolutley include you in this though.

    1|0
    0|0
  • I would say the latter in this case buuut, it seems like an honest mistake, they can still happen. He apologized and said he sees how it looks now TO YOU, so I'd give him a chance based on that. Sometimes we just need things brought to our attention, & then given a chance to correct ourselves.

    But like baseball 3 strikes and you're out ;)

    0|0
    0|0
  • Dump him. He will not improve with age.

    1|0
    0|0
  • Yeah, what he did was really not too good. I agree why does he need to
    meet up with a ex for lunch? It would give me ill feelings if a girl did that to me.

    0|2
    0|0
  • RED FLAG HERE!!!
    hanging 1 time out is without telling you is out of line but 3 times in a row is counted as cheating emotionally..
    You have every right to be hurt... if I had a girlfriend doing this shit to me she would get dumped...

    So I think you should dump him... Or give him a chance and keep a very close watch on him and warn him and his ex not to talk to each other

    0|1
    0|0
  • I agree that he should have definitely told you immediately and that you should definitely be bothered by it but he DID tell you and he didn't have to. He could have just kept it a secret and if you found on on your own then there would definitely be a bigger problem at hand. I don't think you should dump him because he was honest about what he was doing and he apologized and realized what he did wrong. It's not like he was cheating on you.

    0|0
    0|0
    • Also... having lunch with an ex of 3 years and your current girlfirend sitting right next to you just seems a bit awkward in my book. I'd say either make it a group thing (like she brings her boyfriend with her too), do an activity like going bowling or something or just don't do see her at all.

  • If you trust him that he won't do it again + if you think everything will stay the same, give another chance. Because if you dont trust him, you will always fight for what have be been doing and being too 'stalker' + if you think everything won't be the same he will say that you changed and might came up with fights, and then possibility break up.

    0|0
    0|0
  • "He said he didn't want me overreacting."

    And he was right!

    1|1
    0|0
    • I didn't overreact at all! I calmly told him that from now on i would like to be in the no when he is hanging out with his ex and to be invited. The principle of he didn't want me to overreact is that he knew he was doing something that would upset me so to him he would rather hang out with an ex lover than make sure his girlfriend feels comfortable with it. Hanging out with an ex lover is a lot different than a regular female friend that you never wwre with romantically. Peolle that have nothing to hide hide nothing

    • Show All
    • Why would your friend have a problem becoming friends with your gf? Does she secretly like you? You mention that your friend would have a problem with it which shows me that your put your female friend before your girlfriend and you find her more important than your own girlfriend. Unless i was secretly crushing on a guy friend and wanted him to leave her for me i would have no issues with him including her in the friendship i would expect that if he was serious about her he would eventually want her incorporated into his friendships and he wouldn't hide me. I would find it sketchy as heck if my boyfriend didn't want me around his female friends

    • I have no problem with them meeting up. I just don't see why my girlfriend has to be around every time I go out and do something.

      Luckily, my girlfriend doesn't want to tag along every time I go do something.

  • yeah if you don't trust him alone with her do you trust him. be careful of the advice you receive from women try to only use advice from those who are in a similar relationship or are further along in a happy one. if he wants to cheat he can do it somewhere with some one that you won't find out about. maybe he was just getting closure tell him your hurt and talk it out responsible if you tend to over react get emotional or confrontational i would've kept it a secret also

    0|0
    0|0
    • You guys are acting like i freaked out on him i didn't. I very calmly talked to him and said from now on i think meeting up woth exs should be done as a couple. And he agreed. Really is it that necessary to meet up with an ex that you are willing to possibly hurt your girlfriend in the process. In my mind a girlfriend should come before an ex. Exs should remain in the past unless you have kids with them. If he didn't get closure and wasn't still over the ex which is what that would show then you shouldn't be in another relationship. You sort that shit out first. But yeah i was very calm with him about it

    • Show All
    • They dated like 3 years ago if he still has some issues with bagagge to discuss after being with me for 2 years then it shows she is still on his mind. If he has a girlfriend that he is happy with why should what happen with his ex matter so much? Screw her being comfortable how about the comfort of his current girlfriend that should be his main priority.

    • I'm sure he never wanted you to get hurt or offended and sometimes men think about other women especially from there past its not like you came with instructions hell wonder some things maybe they just met to crack jokes and tell stories. even if they dated they still had to be friends on some level if you made him pick I'm sure he's more concerned about you but he probably never pinned you against each other in his head. He probably though he would meet up with her a couple times and hang out that you would never know and every thing would be ok

  • Get rid of him. You deserve better.

    0|1
    0|0
  • He Was Wrong, He Did Acknowlege The Mistake He Made And How It Looks.
    If He Truly Means It, He Might Be Worth Another Chance.

    0|0
    0|0
  • DUMP. He's going to (or already has) cheat on you.

    1|1
    0|0
  • That is SUPER fishy... wtf is he doing? I guess you don't have to dump him you can give him a chance but he needs to cut that shit out immediately. An ex is an EX, they belong out of your life.

    1|1
    0|0
  • So, would he be allowed to tag along on dates with your ex's?

    0|0
    0|0
    • Well i don't play that game lf hanging out with ex lovers. I don't have time for that non sense. If i sti felt ut necessary to hangout with them i would be in a relationship with him.

  • give him another chance but tell him that if he goes out with his ex 1 more time that you will dump him and that will be the end of your relationship.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Umm... who the fuck are you to control every social interaction of your boyfriend?

    Your mom and best friend can shut their fucking busy-body mouths. What the fuck do they know about the situation? NOTHING. Not a single. fucking. thing. Who the FUCK are they to say how HIS social life should be conducted?

    Talk to your boyfriend and establish clearer boundaries (because you CLEARLY haven't on most things) and see if you two can be in agreement on those. If you can, your relationship should continue just fine.

    smfh

    1|2
    2|3
    • Woah calm down first of all you don't need to be rude about my mom or my best friend i asked them for advice. Second of all i find it very odd that he didn't mention it to me. Its an ex not just a female friend. If it was truly innocent he wouldn't hide ut from me not to mention he would invite me along. If it walks lile a duck quack like a duck..
      But i am giving him one more chance i told him in the future i think all interactions between exs should be done ad a couple in the future and he agrees

What Girls Said 20

  • Dump him. He clearly has no respect for how his actions could effect you or the relationship... and by meeting up with his ex, he's now created a trust issue between the two of you.

    Any man who values his woman isn't going to risk that by meeting up with someone he used to have relations with. It's never innocent. You either hate your ex when you dump them or some feelings linger. If he met up with her more than once, that means he obviously doesn't hate her lol.

    I know it's hard if you've been with someone for 2 years and you think you know them, but he's shown complete disregard for what should be his #1 priority. If he met with her a few times already, what happens during future meetings? That means more bonding between the two... and eventually, possible cheating.

    He's already not behaving in a way that shows good character. Do you really want to date someone who treats you like that? Who is so careless with his relationship he's willing to risk it by meeting up with an ex? You want to constantly have questions now every time he gets a text? Because that is what you are committing to if you stay with him.

    You are 24; I'd say you have a TON of life to be had without this guy... and can find someone who will treat you like a priority instead of an option.

    1|0
    0|0
  • You both have been two birds of a feather who have stuck together for '2 years' and Hopefully counting here, dear, and so far, up to Now... Not really hurt in this relationship that you have mentioned.
    However, with the skeleton who has now just come out of the closet, it's only a guess as to Why he felt compelled to get together for a bit of chat n chew with this ghost, who I do not blame you at all for feeling Rattled inside. You feel as though you are standing there with egg on your face.
    I have to admit that your bestie and dear ol mom are right that that if it was 'Innocent' he should have Informed you of this and Asked you to come along. However, he Did end up telling you which if he had this fling thing that was really going on, he would not have opened his mouth. It may have been things that they felt they needed to iron out so they could just be friends.
    Give him the benefit of the doubt. They work near one another, know that each other is working close by so they may have broke the ice to be Nice to one another, stay friends till the end and may have just got together over casual convo and "How is things going?" Maybe with some dirty laundry they felt eating at them, they wanted to put this to bed.
    Sit him down and talk it out. Open lines of convo is one of the most important things a relationship, new or old has to have and to Uphold, or it will go dead real quick in the waters.
    Set him straight about a few relationship rules that you feel he needs to heed to, One of them is No lunch for Two, you feel it isn't right and if you could join them as Three is good company, then it is okay by your standards or at Least Be Asked.
    Other than that, no overtime during munch time and no get togethers after the doors close after 5. If he has a problem with this or if you find out more in store, give him his walking papers, he will be showing you that the Past is still a Blast.
    Good luck. xx

    0|0
    0|0
  • That def sounds shady as hell. I wouldn't necessarily dump him over that because there is a possibility that he did nothing, but I too would have wanted to tag along and make sure there was no threat to the relationship. I don't know why everyone is saying you're controlling his social life, unless they themselves are cheaters. I always told the people I was with that you only need privacy if you have something to hide. Also, being in a stable relationship like that, you are now a pair instead of two separate people, you should know everyone in his circle just by default.

    0|0
    0|0
  • 2 years and this mistake... which outweighs the other?

    i love my ex, very much and if he asked me to lunch i would go and my partner would be ok with it because he knows I dont want him back... The question is, what does he want?

    0|0
    0|0
  • Give him another chance but all flags are pointing that he wants his ex back

    1|0
    1|0
  • Oh no dumping him is not such a good idea. If he now realized how it looks and sounded then you should give him a chance. Even though it was later when he told you, he still did and wasn't planning to keep it from you forever. In relationships, anything can be possible so be ready for everything. Good luck.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Don't dump him over that. Give him another chance and if he does the same thing again after he apologizes then you should dump him

    0|0
    0|0
  • Id say give him a chance because believe it oe not some guys are still friends with their ex even though it's pretty weird af. I get where you're coming from. I would get jealous but ask to go to one lunch and see for yourself how it is between them

    0|1
    0|0
    • I think its a pretty slippery slope to be friends with an ex. Honestly feelings can develop back at any time. I just very calmly explained to him that i feel like from now on interactions in person between him and his ex should have me included because if it is truly innocent them me being there shouldn't be a problem. Not to mention whose feelings should come first in the matter your exs who is in the past or your current girl that you are focused on now?

    • You're totally right. If the tables were reverse, he'll probably react the same way.

  • He still likes her... and she depends on him :P

    0|0
    0|0
  • Depends on your gut. If I were you, I'd insist on meeting her for lunch with him once to see how they act. you'll be able to tell.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Give him a chance
    If he changes ok else dump him u can't b the back up

    0|0
    0|0
  • everyone deserves the second chance, try and see where it goes. If you notice same shit, just dump him

    0|0
    0|0
  • You deserve better. <3

    0|0
    0|0
  • If he was a real boyfriend he wouldn't have a problem with letting you know or asking you how would you feel about them getting lunch together. If he's sneaking behind your back then obviously he's hiding something. Be smart & dump him. You deserve way more than that.

    1|0
    0|0
  • Give him another chance. Talk to him. But if he does it again... I would end it.
    So you know, my ex did the same. With exes and female friends. I tried to explain how hurt I was about it, but he seemed he was not getting it, always finding an excuse to justify the fact that he wanted to hang out with females without me around! According to him, he was not doing anything bad so in his opinion he was not supposed to let me know. At some point he accused me of being controlling... while I was just asking for respect. After two years (one living together) he dumped me for someone else that he secretly dated before ending things with me. And I realized that he lied to me for months, pretending everything was all right while in reality he was shopping around. I should have not tolerated his behavior earlier, it would have saved me a lot of pain later on.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Later in life, business & socials will divide into two camps = the Puritans & the Liberated. The Ps will always gossip & turn innocent meetings into something titillating to make their dull lives more interesting & even "better than thou". The Ls have been known to be tempted to change horses but mostly feel free & above temptation to hold tete-a-tetes for business, class reviews, emotional support (same as same sex friends), et al.

    Of course the boyfriend might be tempted to change horses when hearing things said in private BUT he will always hear such things from many gals in the future. If it isn't enough to be his Chosen and live happily while that lasts, then No guy might be right for you, as they all will be tempted someday. I wonder what a guy would look like that would appear to be there for you the rest of your life? Sporting a collar & leash?

    Drop this fear & jealousy, then feel free to follow suit.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Dump him and get away from him as fast as you can! It sounds like he's going to cheat sooner or later

    1|0
    0|0
  • well you can say," i will forgive you if you stop talking to her" only because of what he did of course,

    0|0
    0|1
  • I am sorry, but i would end it. To be so deceitful for that length of time is evidence he has no conscience and has no respect for you. If two people who have had a history together can remain friends it means they were never in love or still are.

    When someone lies to you it's because they don't believe you deserve the truth. You should never waste your trust on someone who has broken faith once.

    You need to set boundaries in a relationship and if anyone crosses them then you should cut them loose. If they don't rise to you standards then don't lower yours to theirs . Giving him a second chance is giving him the opportunity and your consent to do it again. Can you honestly say you could trust him again !


    You have two choices , give him a second chance or give yourself a better chance by moving on and find a guy who treats you as priority

    Personally , i would be devasted. I would never go back to whatever broke me 💜😊 xx

    1|0
    0|0
  • Just dump him.

    0|0
    0|0
Loading...