I seem to have an intense fear of being physical with a guy. How do I deal with this?

So I've never been in a relationship. I've dated a bit, but nothing has ever gone anywhere. Only ever kissed maybe three times, and that's the extent of my physical experience.
I've kind of started dating this new guy. Our second date we kissed, and it was lovely, if not a little scary for me, just cause he was a little intense about it. But then again, it could've just seemed that way because of my inexperience. He knows that I'm pretty inexperienced, and that I've never had sex, and he's already told me that he's not one to push, and he's fine with waiting for the sex stuff. But he does want to make out and cuddle and stuff. And while I want to as well, it also scares me cause I worry that the relationship will be all about the physical stuff, and he won't care about me as a person. It's not even him specifically. Just guys in general. Like it causes me legitimate anxiety. And I'm even more worried about it cause he's 7 older than me. It's odd for someone my age to be completely inexperienced. I'm just not sure how to handle this. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • I would setup some guidelines with him... tell him I am willing to try these things, however, these other things are hands off.

    I would also like to take our time with the physical component and gradually get there.

    Having a physical relationship requires trust... trust is earned! There is nothing wrong with laying down some rules regarding physical contact until you begin to trust him.

    If does not respect your rules, then he only cares about one thing!

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Most Helpful Girl

  • My advice would be fake it til you make it. That is, you probably can't stop yourself from feeling anxious, and you may not be able to stop your interior monologue about how he really wants to go farther and faster even though your empirical evidence is he's being sweet and patient and telling you he's willing to wait until you're comfortable. So let the panicked thoughts flow over you, but make sure you act in ways that match how he's acting toward you. If he's really not pressuring you and really did enjoy kissing him, kiss him some more. Notice how much you enjoy it. Notice how much he enjoys it. Stop trying to fix the fear that it's all about the physical stuff and do your best to respond to him as if he's as respectful a guy as his actions suggest. When you're ready to try the next thing, go for it, and feel free to pull back if it scares you, but pay attention to whether it scares you because his actions don't match his honorable words or because you're over-reacting. Maybe this patient guy is just the right person to introduce you to the wonderful world of physical intimacy. Where there are plenty of men who are just as anxious to have the physical be one part of an emotionally rich relationship and who want to treat you as well as you treat him.

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What Guys Said 25

  • I've known girls like that. Even when they wanted to get physical sometimes they couldn't. I don't know what it is, but they are just like that. They can't be with just anyone, and have to feel very comfortable with who they are with. I know one girl who really like a guy, really wanted to be with him and go all the way and have sex. They'd get going pretty heavy, then at the least minute she just couldn't do it. Then felt bad about it since he was already heated up.

    I really don't know what you can do other than going slow and making sure you are comfortable with who you're with, and comfortable about the pace of things. When you are ready then you are ready. There may still be some anxiety there, but I think you'll still know when your are ready.

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  • Actually, the age thing may be better for you because being older tends to make you more relationship oriented rather then just sex.(not always obviousley but it tends to be that way). Cuddling/kissing is important because it is emotional. It actually releases an chemical called oxytocin that helps establish emotional bonds with people. Usually when you hear of a relationship falling apart the first sign is lack of physical intimacy whether thats sex or cuddling/kissing. I would recommend letting go of your fears and just going with it (obviousley wait until your ready for sex) and just let it happen. For me as a man I don't have many outlets for emotions, so cuddling and kissing is a must for me because I am better at expressing my emotions through physical actions. Its how I show my affection. So he is probably no diffrent. Especially if he is willing to wait for sex, if he wanted just the physical he would push for sex, if he wants emotional he pushes for cuddling.

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  • He already said he is willing to wait, so don't worry, it's only natural to wanna get physical, but relationships aren't just about having sex, it's also about having fun and enjoying each other's company. Any other guys you date, if their good guys will wait till your ready also. And finally don't let a unimportant thing like age bother you.

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  • First, don't be scared. Second, I think that it is refreshing that you are saving yourself for the right man. Just take things slow, and if he truly loves you, he will wait and go with the flow. If you feel he is kissing you too intensely, just tell him as nice as you can to be more gentle. It will just take time for you to know if he loves you and is the right guy for you. Encourage different activities when you are together. Even if it's just talking and listening to music together. Just treat this relationship like you would any friend, except that you are romantically involved.

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  • I understand your fear, more than you know actually. Let's say, for argument's sake, that there's a 50/50 chance the relationship will all be about the physical things once you start cuddling. Would you then rather never have body contact and always live in fear of it, or tackle the bull heads-on and find out quickly whether this is your guy or not?

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  • You're ok, just take it one piece at a time. Ignore that idea that he only wants you for physical stuff because it's a shitty mentality to have in a relationship. You have to trust that your bf/partner is with you because he likes all of you until they do something to mess it up. Take it at your pace but don't shut yourself out from being intimate with him out of fear.

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  • he's told you he wants to wait for you to be comfortable. Cuddling isn't sex nor is making out. Being loved isn't something to be afraid of if u want to go slower he will respect it, if you need space he will pick up more work hours to give you room to think.

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  • Sounds like you bought the feminist propaganda that all men are rapists.

    I dunno what to tell you. How can you be so paranoid, when you've never had a boyfriend before?

    Do some introspecting.

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    • Why should have a boyfriend first to be paranoid when you can see other's experiences and they became really broken? It's just she want to protect her heart, is it wrong?

    • opening up to a guy is intimidating, especially when with just a kiss, dicks can go up.
      you will be paranoid if things are moving too fast in a relationship.

  • Just loosen up and go with the flow
    Don't worry about all that imagined shit

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  • Face your fear :D
    if he's willing to wait then you should use this opportunity to get use to the physical stuff
    and also age isn't a problem, well not 7 years, it might be if its more than 10 though.
    don't be afraid just try it more and more each day. you might grow to like it
    and i'm sure he'll care about you as a person.
    (if he dont there's still a lot of nice guys out there)

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  • Are you religious? You could become a nun.

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  • Have you tried talking to him about how you feel?
    Just ask him straight up, will you like me as a person afterwards.
    He'll most likely say yes, and mean it.
    From what you said, he sounds like a decent guy.

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  • All women pass bu that... or the majority... so you just have to make it happen one first time, and then things go better and better...

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  • Maybe sex just isn't for you. No shame in that.

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  • just sit too close, hold hands, hug, cuddle, boom pregnant. =)

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    • lol, scare her more, yeah?

    • she's thinking too black and white. i'm presenting an array of escalation. if she's uncomfortable with holding hands regress to sitting a little too close.

  • then maybe shouldn't have sex, yet. i believe in waiting til marriage to avoid those same things you're scared of... perhaps, self-consciously, you are too. it seems like you're experiencing a healthy fear.

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  • don't think about it and just do it.

    Alien POWER!

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  • you could do with bit of romance

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  • just keep calm and once u meet ur real love u will give up and enjoy with ur relationship

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  • Pick a guy you can dominate.

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  • It's normal not to be ready

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  • 7 year age gap is notable but I won't judge. Anyway not all men are like that. Im not, now sure I could be lying but why would I? I have nothing to gain. Im anonymous so I'm not making myself look good. I also don't really care what you think as I will never get to know you (I'm sure I would like to) and your taken. But some guys love women simply for the way they make them feel (not horny). I knew this girl who I didn't even find really atractive but when I talked to her I floated on air. If he wants you only for the physical aspect he would have begged for sex. Learn to associate your man with comfort and security. Think of how it feels when he holds you, the smell of his cologne. Let the thoughts bring you warm familiar feelings. Just get comfortable it will happen

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  • why do you want to deal with it? men suck... .

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  • Sex will normally be the thing you are valued for most.

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  • Alcohol...

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What Girls Said 13

  • From my experience I've had guys tell me that they are good with waiting and that they weren't pushy and their actions proved otherwise. Men are naturally limit pushers. If you keep letting him cross your line of comfort he will keep doing it.

    I'm led to believe by how you're speaking that you aren't comfortable with him yet... Therefore you shouldn't let the sexual part of your relationship reach a level that is uncomfortable to you. Don't let him make YOU feel like you're doing something wrong because you're inexperienced and want to take things slow. There is NOTHING wrong with that and you're never going to regret waiting for the moment that felt right. You will, however, regret letting a guy cause you to make decisions you weren't ready for. You can't take that back.

    When you're with a guy and in a situation where the time is right, you're not going to feel uncomfortable. Its normal to be nervous but if you don't feel like you want what he's pushing for, you have the right to say no and stop it from happening.

    If he's truly into you for you, he will stop being pushy until you're ready. Don't let him make you decide on things you're unsure of, because if you let him... He will.

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  • If this guy is true to his word, then he won't force you to do anything you're not comfortable doing. Whenever you are with him and things start to get physical, then go as long as you feel good. The moment you get uncomfortable, then say something. Don't make a big deal out of it. Just say you feel like stopping at that moment. A respectful, good guy will stop. He may not like it, but he'll stop. He'll have a raging boner and want to keep going, all guys do. But it won't kill him to stop. All guys masturbate, so he'll take care of himself later. It is not your responsibility to pleasure him. And it is also not responsibility to make sure he's happy in that department so he'll keep seeing you. If he is a worthy guy, then he'll continue dating you because he wants to be around YOU whether you two have sex or not. He'll wait as long as he has to if you are more important to him than simply getting laid.

    Just keep in mind, guys WILL say anything to convince you to go farther. They'll say all sorts of crap and in their minds they don't see it as pressuring you to have sex. When I was a teen I wanted to wait until I was 18. But the boyfriend I had at the time convinced me that 18 was just a number. That waiting another couple months until I actually turned 18 wouldn't make a difference. At the time, I thought this sounded logical. But as I got older I realized his reasoning was his way of pressuring me to have sex before I was ready. If I had known better about how guys behave (conniving & manipulative) when it comes to this subject, I would've said no. Only the guys who were raised to have complete respect for women refrain from doing this. But even the best of them out there can still surprise you. In college, I had another boyfriend who's mother I met. I truly believed he was raised "right", but he used me for sex for a long time because I believed he was a "good guy". But he proved that he was just as capable of using a woman to get laid as the next. Naivety often leads young women to do things that aren't good for them.

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  • just take it at a slow pace that you are comfortable with. im assuming he's a nice guy, so he'll be patient and wait. also take baby steps, get used to touching him in ways that aren't sexual, pat his head play with his hair, hold hands, give him a back/ neck massage get cozy beside each other on a couch to watch a movie, and when you feel like it cuddle with him. and vise versa this way you get used to the physical contact, and get to know him better. if you feel ready, you can try taking it further. if you feel uncomfortable then you can stop and maybe try later. taking things slowly will also help build trust in the relationship, which is important. and if you feel more fear of trusting him with your body, maybe talk and tell him things and get closer to him emotionally mentally. which allows you both to get to know each other better. i hope this helps, and i also want to input if/ when you fall in love with him the physical contact, even just a hug, or a kiss on the cheek, or just cuddling feel incredibly nice, not even arousing, just having someone that you can be comfortable with the same way you'd be comfortable by your self.

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  • I think its great your inexperienced to be honest with you. That means your not easy, which makes you way more attractive to men. Move at whatever pace makes you comfortable and never give in to what you don't want or you will regret it, I can promise you that (from personal experience ). If he only seems to want the physical side than ditch him as he is unworthy of a good girl like you. Being anxious is completely normal honey, if you ever want to be more physical and your super nervous.. best thing to do is just close your eyes and let the good times roll. I have to say however I'm 32 and my boyfriend who I've been with for 3 years is only the 3rd sexual partner I've had ever. When you love someone the physical side of the relationship is so much more intense and amazing than if it were a meaningless fling. Good luck girlie

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  • The best thing to do is to wait until you are ready, and until you feel sire enough of him that he actually loves you. there's no pressure, don't rush in if you are scared and not ready or you will regret it

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  • Don't have sex unless you can 100% trust him. And here's a little tip... if you have to question if you're ready to give up your virginity, then you're not ready for sex

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  • I'm the exact same way

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  • You wait for the man of your dreams and make sure he thinks of you as the woman of his dreams.

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  • Go lesbian bro

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  • You're right, any guy you get physical with could be after one thing only, but that's a risk you will have to come to terms with.

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  • Holy shit you sound just like me lol I am 22 and still a virgin and the guy I am dating is 28... he makes me so nervous.

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  • Take it slow, as in very slow! I've had a relationship like this and he said he was cool about not going too fast but guys will still try... we went too far too fast and the physicality consumed the relationship! Most importantly, protect ur heart!! Good luck!!

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  • a) begin a habit of getting 30-60 minute male massages regularly
    b) join some ballroom dance classes (later maybe C&W, as these are bit more male stronger "leads")
    c) join co-ed sports

    all this will help to desensitize you to male interactions & what to think about them, what to do about them, so when presented with complex questions such as you posed, the answer will come naturally

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