Do you think I should be upset with my boyfriend for this?

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years, and everything is going well except for a few things. My boyfriend is a musician and is trying to get his name out there and hopefully become successful one day. He plays at a lot of open mic and restaurants/cafes. However, recently he told me that when I'm at his shows he won't be affectionate or anything towards me because he doesn't want to scare off any girls that could be potential "Instagram followers". He also told me that he might ask me not to go to certain shows because he wants to network and he thinks that if girls see he has a girlfriend they won't approach him. He had a show last night and didn't tell me about it until I asked what his plans were for the night, but didn't seem too enthusiastic about telling me. I ended up going but felt awkward because I felt that if he wanted me to go he would have invited me. I want to support him but not if he doesn't want me at certain shows. Should I be upset with them about this? or is what he is doing understandable? We're also both 20 years old


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Most Helpful Guy

  • I know this hurts, but you are dating a WORKING MUSICIAN. As someone who was in the school band my whole life, and worked in live audio for bands afterwards (in other words, WAS a musician and spent tons of time around musicians), there is nearly a zero chance of the two of you having a successful relationship. Musicians have a reputation for infidelity and for not making their relationships a priority FOR VERY GOOD REASON!

    Assuming he has the talent, finds the right management, and gets a break or two, he'll have to tour and travel a lot. You mostly won't be able to come along, and even if you do, his job is going to take up nearly all of his time, and there simply won't be much left over for you. Plus, you're going to have to contend with women literally throwing themselves at him, along with hundreds more who merely idolize him. No man can remain faithful with that kind of constant onslaught - there is simply too much temptation, loneliness, and it's just too easy to stray.

    Plus, he's 20? Are you for real? He's no where near old enough to want to settle down, even if he was an office worker or something. But a 20-year-old working musician? You've simply got no chance. None. Nada.

    I'm sure this isn't what you want to hear, but I've seen it so many times it's boring. Hell, I even got 1-2% of what the band got just by being the sound guy, and it's INTENSE. It's only a matter of time, so decide now if it's worth spending any more of your precious time on something that will never last.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • No, I don't think this is understandable at all. I actually am sad for you.

    You're not a priority to him, It really doesn't matter how long you guys have been dating, because a soured relationship can be 2 months, 2 years, or 20 years old.

    You seem like a good girlfriend, supporting his music career. You're literally not at fault here in this situation, and I always try to think about all perspectives. Usually, in relationships, both people are wrong, sometimes one more than the other, but in your situation, your "boyfriend of two years" is choosing work over you. Except this isn't a "I work hard for my beautiful girlfriend" thing-- this is a "I want to get famous and having a girlfriend is getting in my way" thing. From an outsider's perspective, you're no longer a priority to him anymore. He's pushing you literally 100% behind the curtains. He's not thinking about your feelings anymore.

    This is my opinion. If you're in a relationship (hypothetical "you"), you should love and be proud and show off your lover. Some people would agree with this, some people wouldn't.

    He's literally a selfish asshole who doesn't deserve you, in my opinion. Like, you can't even argue with me that he's a selfish asshole. You should leave him unless you want to stay and always be invisible, never be known as his babe, be the girlfriend of a guy who doesn't care about your feelings, and wants other girls to notice him-- and pushes you aside himself so that can happen.

    I'm sorry, boyfriends are supposed to do that? In what world.

    And the sad thing is, if you leave him, it'll probably be more relieving for him then heartbreaking.

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What Guys Said 25

  • I can say from personal experience that I agree with your boyfriend. I have been a musician for around 40 years and played in 16 bands. Women like to think they may have a chance with a musician. However, when women see the musician is taken she will give her attention to someone else.

    Entertainers often keep their personal life separated from their professional careers. Their popularity can drop when it becomes known that they have a significant other.

    I should warn you that if you are a possessive or jealous type you are probably heading for a train wreck. It takes a special woman and man to keep a relationship alive when one of them is an entertainer. Just look at all the divorce in the entertainment business and you will see what I mean.

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  • That's rather one sided... I would totally be open to having my girlfriend follow me around and attend venues with me. Honestly, it sounds as though he's keeping his options open and doesn't seem very content with having you e. g. trying to 'upgrade'. Which is a silly notion because all the people balance out rather evenly... I wouldn't give him the time of day and when he falls flat on his face because of manipulating you and you don't care, he'll think twice about what kind of lifestyle he lives. You have every right to be upset at his behavior.

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  • Yikes... the biggest takeaway for me here is that this just emphasizes how little job security there is in trying to "make it big" as an artist and how much of that revolves around pure luck and you'd be MUCH better off with a different career path.

    That said... it sounds like this is making you uncomfortable, but you're asking others to validate or invalidate your feelings. I think that's the wrong way to go about this. If this makes you uncomfortable, you should let him know. Worst-case scenario (and this is probably a stretch) he doesn't want you at his shows so he can flirt with girls behind your back. I mean, what's the point of making them think he's single if he's actually not? A guy trying to leverage his sex appeal to get more followers sounds like a really far-fetches plan to me.

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  • Honestly, it sounds reasonable. He is very smart in assuming that about the other women. as a woman, you should see his logic.
    Of course your going to think he is going to cheat on you. So it comes down to "do you trust him"? has he ever given you a reason not to trust him completely.
    I knew my ex wife 30 days before going into the Air Force. I turned down 7 women, including 2 that wanted a three-some, during tech school. I would never cheat on her and never did during the 25 years we were together. I was 20 when I went in. So not all men cheat.
    if he has potential to become big, she should make every effort to do that. You can go an support him. Just don't hang around. leave after the show.

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  • He's being stupid. If he thinks Instagram or networking at cafes is going to get him anywhere with music then he's delusional.

    He needs to be concentrating on a real career. Music has to stay a sideline until / if it goes somewhere. If he's playing open mic at that age then he's not getting anywhere. He's on a dead end route and needs to change directions. There is nothing wrong with wanting to play music for a living, but he needs to be realistic and work on a real career.

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    • I know we are almost the same age, but you clearly don't have a clue about this younger generation is making it. There are youtube stars, there are instagram stars. They have this thing, I think it is called Snap Chat, where they play 6 second clips. There is a guy that makes millions every year only from Snap Chat and content he has put out there generating millions of followers. he then gets sponsorship deals and does product placement. So he can most certainly make a name for himself. at least enough to be noticed by someone big and signed.
      Justin Bieber was found from youtube.

      So your completely wrong.

  • Id say just trust him he's dating you and probably loves you dont get caught up in the idea he's going to leave. he's doing it for the publicity not love just know that if he's going to pamper a girl its not going to be one of the girls at his concert its going to be you.

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  • What does instagram have to do with success in the music business. Talent is key. I would tend to think he's more interested in the attention from females.

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  • I think you should just talk it out more with him. The truth is he is kind of right and by acting like he's single will probably help his career but at the same time you're right to feel upset and sad. Just let him know you want to supportive and maybe you guys can try and talk it out more and see if there's another alternative for you guys to explore that would allow you to be able to be with him more and him being able to get his name out there.

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  • Yes I think that's not having very much integrity... behind every strong man there's a good women

    To not give you credit along the way is below the belt in my opinion and it's also misleading his potential fans

    If that's the case, he should be single for now

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  • If he loves you, he wouldn't care who saw you. Music is about emotion and expressing his feelings in a way simple text can not. So I must imagine he wants to be popular with the girls. Which I admit is confusing. It seems like he wants more out of life. So either sit him down, and express how you feel, telling him its wrong what he is doing, or just try to be more intimate and yiu both need to try harder at your relationship. But yes, I think you should be upset. You have a right to be mad, I imagine you're a beautiful and amazing girl. Its like you going out with guys without his knowledge. I hope this helps but truly it is up to you

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  • Let me give all women some advice. Never date a guy older than 20 who still thinks he can be a professional musician of any renown. If you haven't already gotten a career off by that age you aren't gonna and you should grow up. Men who still think they can be muscians at that age also tend to be egotistical and lacking in responsibility. It is likely he just sees you as temporary until he can get a bunch of attractive groupies.

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  • Yeah, what he is doing is totally understandable. Men don't think you are being supportive just by being there. Just give him the room he needs to do what he needs to do.

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  • well isn't it obvious?

    He doesn't want you at shows because... Girls. Jus sayin'

    I think he should grow a pair and let you know what's really going on. Then if you want, you can stay, if not, part ways.

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  • Your boyfriend sounds like a low-key player. What guy in his right mind wouldn't want his girl supporting him at his shows? Unless he's keeping an eye out for new, potential women that his "success" will bring him.

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  • You can be upset, but it's also understandable to a limit. He should at least keep you in the loop, but if he's trying to get a gaggle of fangirls to share/like his stuff it will work much better to seem like the single musician.

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  • Oh wow... just trust him

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  • Sounds to me like he doesn't want the girlfriend scaring off the groupies.
    If any of these girls are going to follow him on instagram or anything it should be because of his talent not because they think he is single.

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  • See that's a load of bull on his part, be pissed cause as the oldest with a little sister and her friends over all the time and talking to my friends I know he would get just as many followers or whatever either way.

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  • I would be upset, that is no way to treat you even if it is to get more followers

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  • he's an immature child. I would be upset if i were you and tell him to act his age

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  • That sounds like a dumb excuse to me

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  • His career is more important to him than you are. It only gets worse from here; wait until he starts touring and going out on the road. These kinds of stories don't have happy endings.

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  • You need to stay in your cage (the house)

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  • Yes, scratch him till he bleeds and slap him everyday until he stops

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  • So why's it say 25-29?

    Anyway, yeah, musicians need all the "media" they can get, and if that means pretending you're single, then that's that. If you can't handle it. Don't be with him. Respect his job, just like he does yours

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What Girls Said 12

  • I successfully dated a drummer in a band for over two years. After I left him, he moved on to some moderate success.

    Being a band girl means having the confidence to sit with the other band girls and watch your guy network and work a room on his breaks. I chose to be proud instead of insecure. Ultimately it made us stronger. We had a great thing and I went with him to every show I could. It never crossed any of the guys' minds to cheat when they had the never ending support and understanding of their girls.

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  • Having sex appeal and "wooing" a crowd is the best way for a musician to network, so he isn't wrong there. It's just what they do. They're supposed to be charismatic, entertaining, WHILE putting out good music. Only accept this behavior from your boyfriend if he has actual talent. If he doesn't and you really don't think he has a chance with his silly little band don't put up with it. If I were him and I were networking I wouldn't want you there because it would hurt your feelings. However he seems kinda waaaay selfish and making this all about him... Which is something musicians also often do. Watch out.

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  • Musicians fuck everybody. he doesn't wanna scare off any potential hoes.

    good musicians can still be in a relationship, that won't affect their desirability. guys dont lose fans for having a girlfriend. if anything girls will just get jealous and wish they were you but they wouldn't stop liking him

    he's just using that as an excuse so he can cheat and act single

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  • I would be upset if I were you. I don't see the point of getting instagram followers between he's dating you. If he's a really good musician then people would love him and follow him because of his music.

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  • I think it's his job and you shouldn't interfere or take anything personal.

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  • It's just how that lifestyle is. In my opinion he should stop being selfish and dump you if he wants that kinda fame.

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  • White flags! White flags!

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  • You should be!

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  • You're right to be upset! He treats you in a sucky way. He should be proud of you and showing you off! Fangirls shouldn't care if their favorite star has a girl!

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  • If actual famous people have girlfriends and we all still support artists we dont need them to be single for us to support them cuz honestly they will never be ours. So I dont know why he would that many girls think its cute when they have girlfriend. So if a girl wanted to sleep with him would he do it for a follower. A true artist will have followers and will succeed for his talent. If ur supportive he will love. But its up to you. Good luck.😊

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  • You've asked this before. You're not going to get the reply you're looking for.

    You either deal with this or leave

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  • I would be pissed off but I understand where he's coming from and he does have a point. I guess this is just the territory that comes with dating artists

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