How to put my insecurities aside in a relationship, about her past?

She's upset because... she wants to tell me about her past... I know when I met her... she had baggage. Well.. more like after I got to know her, from us going out drinking and fighting (alcohol and emotions dont mix). But we are stable now and she wants to tell me about her past... I know she's... well a lot more sexually experience and she's told me about her past. When we were dating, such as "I used to not care about myself and well... guess I slept around." I didn't judge her and she is happy now with me. I guess I fell in love with her before finding all this out because we became friends... then friends with benefits... then dating now we are a couple. But she wants to open up more... about the past that she feels ashamed of. I keep telling her "nothing good can come out of telling me." I don't want to lay in bed next to her... thinking about the things she has done... I don't care. But she really wants me to know as if to ease some burden off of her. Guess, I still remember that smile when she felt sad about her past and I just held her face and told her "I don't care" kissed her and she had a big smile on her face... I don't want to ruin it by finding... a lot more out. I know its my insecurities... but I... really don't want to know.


Most Helpful Girl

  • Well, I am a firm believer in the idea that nothing can turn someone into something. Meaning, no heartbreak or terrible experience caused your girlfriend to be a promiscuous woman she was always one on the inside. I don't believe things turn you into anything it just takes the right situation to bring it out of you. Right now she has probably put a lot of faith and trust in you when you told her you didn't care and honestly if you leave her it might break her heart and she'll do those things again and blame it on the break up when in actuality that's the person she is. If she wants to share her past with you then maybe you should listen but if that's not something you can get over maybe you don't care about her the way you'd like to. It seems like this will be a big problem for you guys and may cause a breakup. If you want a girl with less sexual history then you have every right to find one. Maybe the two of you aren't right for each other.

    • could be true. She says she trust me a lot. But guess... we might not be compatible... when it comes to her past. If she really wants to tell me...

    • My boyfriend is my first, but I'm not his. He has barely had any sexual history and for a little while his past concerned me a lot and it hurt for quite some time. It took for us to talk about it and for me to do some reflecting for me to move forward. I may not be his first, but I am the girl he has the most sexual history with. His 'past' barely even qualifies for one so I felt honored that I got to be a lot of firsts for him. If this were someone more sexually aggressive I may not have been able to feel the same especially considering my boyfriend is the only one I've been with. If you want a girl more reserved you have every right to have her. Only way to know if you're compatible is to talk about everything, reflect, and move forward. Whether it's with each other or not.

Most Helpful Guy

  • Tell her this "I can be your boyfriend, or I can be your therapist... but I can't be both."

    Accepting her does not require you to have detailed knowledge of every element of her past. If she persists in telling you everything, she risks adding the loss of your relationship to the baggage she carries.

    She should nor have to be alone in fighting her demons BUT the person who hears her story CAN'T be you.

    • One of the most common falacies regarding this issue is the belief that love conquers all. People mistakenly believe that if you love someone enough, the emotions tied to the past will not matter.

      This is exactly wrong.

      The strength of the emotional bond is the cause of the pain, not it's solution. Think about it. Millions of people every day confess their past, or add line items to it. None of this matters one one iota to you. This is because you don't have an emotional connection with these other people. Your girlfriend, on the other hand, is emotionally connected to you. The measure of the depth of that connection is the measure of the pain you are vulnerable to experiencing.

      She needs to understand this:
      - you are not her parent
      - you are not her doctor
      - you are not her priest
      - you are not her therapist
      - you are not her counselor

      What do all of these roles have in common? It is unethical for any of them to have sex with the person they are helping.

    • Show All
    • Your feelings are understandable. The oft cited assertion that "the past is the past" rarely manages to be true in practice. If she shares her past with you, your experience of hearing her story is most certainly part of your present.

      I find it remarkable that the people who would ask a SO to listen to this story of the past would never ask that a hand be placed on a hot burner. Yet, the hot burner will cause the injury that can actually heal. Listening to stories from the past rips a wound open that can last forever. For some, the only thing that makes the pain go away is to kill the love that made the pain possible in the first place. People with a past to talk about, need to understand they are playing with fire.

      For your sake, and for your girlfriend's sake, I hope she can come to understand the jeopardy she is placing her relationship in. Let her find a confidant to share with. Then with you, she can be a girlfriend instead of a patient.

    • Thanks for the MHO.

What Girls Said 2

  • oh wow this is the opposite of how it usually works. you should be glad that your girl is even willing to open her inner feelings to you. not a lot of guys get such an opportunity and instead having to force it out of their girl one way or another. you are blessed my dear. the fact that she is sooooo willing to tell u shows how much she loves you and wants you to accept her not for just what you see her as but accept her for her good and bad. her present and her past. of course nothing good will come out of it but it shows trust. honesty. and thats very important in a relationship.

    • What if it's stuff that makes and cringe and makes her upset. Then make her regret it. I can't guarentee I won't be put off and not want to lay be side her for days like hearing very unerving intimate details seems like it be all in her benefit if we ever fight and I'm angry I don't want to ever use this againts her it not a simple conversations. From reading up more a lot of sex therapist agree some woman need to keep things to themselves even some woman would say "he loved me so much and I did too, but after I told him he didmt want to touch me for weeks or he left me." Seems like it's a horrible idea

    • sometimes you need to think of the "what ifs". you're being really pessimistic about it

    • Once you hear something, like what your partner did with someone else in bed, you can't take that back. It isn't something worth trying like a glass of whiskey that, if you don't like it, you just stop drinking. You can't just forget something you know, no matter how hard you try. Human mind can be tricky with time and you could end up feeling the past as if it were the present. It isn't like this with everyone, but if you don't know for sure you shouldn't even try.

  • Then just tell her u dont need to know for the best of ur relationship she will understand i think ^^


What Guys Said 4

  • But she feels that she is deceiving you about herself unless she tells you. She will feel much better when she does tell you. . . but you may feel worse. Ultimately, she will tell you, so get it over with sooner, deal with it, and your relationship will be stronger.

    I dealt with a similar issue about six months ago. The baggage she told me about was heavy drinking, numerous arrests, and a period of time where she supported herself by prostitution. I resolved that I would judge her character by the kind of person that she had become in the present and not what she had done in the past. We ultimately broke up, but for different reasons.

    You don't want to know. . . but there is no other way that it can work. Relationships are always ice cream and lollipops. Do the work, earn the rewards.

  • From my own experience I can tell you should never hear about her sexual past if you think it could even bother you a little. I've found out some people have no issues with knowing sexual details about their partners' past. But in my case it ruined me, and my relationship is about to end because of that. And I've heard of many people who went into the same. Which is very painful.

    • I don't want to lay in bed thinking about her three ways or stuff like that. Neither of us are saints but no need to divulge it

    • You can bet you don't want that. I've been there. I signed up here for that reason. You can see the question I posted where I tell what happened. I don't know how to get out of this because like gray_sailor said you can't forget the past once you know about it. That's why my advice is stop it before it's too late.

  • I think you should welcome sharing her experiences. They won't change and she will be grateful for your compassion and you'll be happy to have comforted her. Alcohol rarely mixes with anything if you drink sufficiently to get drunk. It causes more damage to people and property tan heroin, crack cocaine, meth. All of those damage yourself, alcohol damages others.

    • Do you like hearing what your girlfriend did in bed with someone else? Doesn't it make you feel at least a bit jealous about it?

  • With ell tell her that you don't like her past already and didn't want to hear more about it... and that it can cause problems... so she should respect that...

    And you have ever right to find a partner with less sexual past... out hell even zero!!!