What are the attractive qualities in a guy and the reasons women don't ask out men?

Is it fair to say that while most young men are looking for a good looking, most women want a confident, charismatic guy in their life? If so, there's nothing wrong with this. My only qualm is that some people say society stops women asking men out for fear of being slut-shamed. Let's be honest here: men need to TAKE INITIATIVE if they are to be considered dominant, masculine and therefore, attractive. In reality, it's hard for both men AND women to talk to some some stranger to to ask them out. As for the confident woman, who is labelling her as a 'slut'? The smooth, attractive guy she went over to? The barista? Anyone nearby who probably isn't listening to the interaction and that the woman probably won't see again in her lifetime anyway? And if women are labelled 'sluts' what are the guys that get rejected labelled as? Beta male chumps?

Updates:
so, there's lots of things involved. what girls tend to prefer isn't bad per se as long as they are honest about what they REALLY want in a man. this can change but status seems to be what attracts most. women can sometimes be initiators but they tend to either be older women that approach average men or younger girls approaching high-status celebrity types. consensus is that slut-shaming only generally tends to exist in social-circle game. this is due to the familiarity amongst the participants
final update: i would like to thank everyone that contributed to the discussion. consensus seems to be that confidence and a positive outlook on life are the most seductive traits. since it is not as necessary an attribute for men as it is for women, it's why men are generally required to initiate courtship, though women may give out approach indicators. i have discovered some of the changes in mindset required to obtain these desirable characteristics in the below discussion.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • You see it pretty well. I would say that it is mostly other women who call each other sluts, part of their social games and such. Men do not care because sex, but they will when it comes to marriage. As for guys being dominant etc that is becoming more rare due to attend in current society to emasculated them. Men are labeled as chumps or virgins etc. The issue is that the sexes view sex differently. For men it is akin to using the restroom, not always necessary but if you dont, you go crazy. For women, it is a pleasurable experience, and is used to connect.

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    • thanks. i guess that slut-shaming doesn't even become a problem until you introduce the element of familiarity amongst female competitors. that's because it's only when the woman are competing with other women for desirable male attention that they are likely to use back-stabbing machiavellian tactics against one another to get the alpha male. men are to blame as well. after all, what's a girl that dates all of their friend but not them? a slut.

      i guess the reason women prefer social circle-game is because status and popularity are good indicators of a man's potential attractivenes. but i'm just hedging a bet here. nobody really knows what triggers the mystery of female attraction. the saddest thing is that it's the best and most just system ever since women weren't bound to males by arranged marriaged and religious marriage contracts.

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    • Hmm nope still not able to. It's weird I am on such a low exp considering I made this and also contributed to another question. Never mind you can probably message me at your exp level.

    • Haha. thanks. sorry I've been off for a while..

What Girls Said 9

  • I personally care a lot about intelligence, values, a sense of humor and just a good overall connection and compatibility score. I wouldn't say I look for a charismatic guy per say and mostly when women say we like confidence it just means we dont want a guy who isn't secure in himself and isn't afraid to initiate sometimes.

    The main reason I dont ask guys out is because im afraid of looking desperate or clingy. A lot of guys my age seem to like the chase and get turned off when a girl initiates. Especially initiailly. When Im dating a guy I have no issue in taking the lead but I still feel like the first move needs to be initiated by a guy more or less. It should be balanced after that.

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    • ok interesting thanks. i've actually approached a lot in the past and gotten a lot of 'nos' which is why i'm asking the question. i just want to figure out if it's looks, confidence, personality or what that's holding me back.

      as for whether guys like the hunt i can't really speak on their behalf. but for me i hated it to begin with but then kinda got into it and became more of an aggressive go-getter type just because i felt it was a 'necessary evil'. i suspect a lot of men feel similarly: society and some women give them the signal that they have to be the wolf so they feel ashamed if they become timid.

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    • @Asker

      I wouldn't say we are very conservative as a whole. At least not the younger generations like me. We are slowly becoming more liberal. OK maybe not as liberal always as English speaking people but I suppose you could say we still stick more or less to some traditional views such as the dating thing but there are still things that are becoming very acceptable such as homosexuality for example.

    • That's good: South Africa has transformed into a more culturally tolerant country since its days of apartheid. Maybe the traditionalist view of dating is the correct one. After all it is part of the male's natural aversion as elric suggests to be dominant alpha male initiators that demonstrate control over inter-sexual interaction.

  • Well... I wouldn't think that a woman who makes the first step is a slut. She just knows what she wants. I heard that many times and it upsets me! Knowing what you want and being independent does NOT make you a slut! It makes you a strong and independent woman. She's a doer! If I know a guy and I share feelings, I won't hesitate and I'll just tell him how I feel about him. It's not that hard! I confessed to my crush a month ago and, even though he turned me down, I didn't regret telling him how I felt. Absolutely not.

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    • naturally. and who is it that is doing all of this 'slut-shaming' to begin with anyway?

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    • Yup! I'm Mormon and almost AAAAALLL the "good" girls I know are just dumb-ass breeding mares. Literally. They wait to be presented, to a guy or to be asked out. They don't go for it, they just passively wait or use Tinder. They're just passive. And when the "go-for-it" girl (me *ahem*) shows up and does her thing, she's considered a slut. Yep. You read well. It's just so annoying. The problem is that all they're looking for is to get married, not because they actually love the guy but for some other dumb reasons. They also have the "good-girl syndrome": they don't allow themselves to act for themselves, stand to men, and let themselves enjoy sex, if it makes sense. It triggers TOOOOOOONS of mental, conjugale and social issues.

    • marry me sophster :P

      Yea its funny that a lot of girls we think of as sluts are actually more interested in the guys Rolex and the validation she can get from banging him. prude girls ashamed of their sexuality... its two sides of one coin. you raise a point about the social effects of all this... not something Id really considered tbh I was just thinking about the Machiavellian nature of dating rituals. could probably write a whole thesis on this...

  • I am attracted to a man who is sure of himself, passionate, smart, and hilarious.

    I personally don't have an issue asking a guy out as long as I feel like he's worth the shot. However, there are instances where I either wait to see if he'll ask me/I won't ask him. Some guys are actually put off by women who ask, first of all, and take it as a sign of aggressive personality, when really it isn't - so I tend to give guys I'm interested in a certain period of time where I'll see if they ask, and if they don't, I will. The only other time I won't ask is if I feel like his signals or intentions aren't clear.

    As for other women, I think a lot of them are afraid, like I said, to be perceived as aggressive, or as desperate. There's also the same thing a lot of people are afraid of: rejection. There's lots of reasons but I think these are the most common.

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    • that's a fair perspective. Just to play devils advocate some would say that the alternative reasons provided for not approaching are not exclusive to one sex, and yet it is males who generally tend to overcome these fears in order to initiate interaction. this would suggest that it is women who are most attracted to risk-taking behaviour.

  • For what it's worth, I do approach guys. It just seems like I'm the only one in the world who does that.

    Frankly, I'm sick of girls who refuse to approach men, and then they cry and whine about how they can't get a boyfriend. Pure entitlement. Girls, start approaching guys! Guys won't call you desperate.

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    • it's appreciated believe me. the only advice i would give to female initiators is to meet and attract only the desirable men that refuse to abuse their confidence / power and fully respect the equality and integrity of female sexuality. basically, i'm not saying you've got to go for the shy / 'nice' guy you don't feel attracted to, just don't go to the opposite extreme of approaching the jerks and arseholes and making their work even easier than it already is. good willing, confident men that know how to treat a woman are the guys that deserve the best.

  • I like a guy who I can have a conversation with and feel comfortable with
    And for there looks it's a bonus if they have nice hair and a built body
    And gorgeous eyes
    And I dont ask them out because I feel like they will reject me then tell everyone
    this is from a teens point I hope I'll feel differently in the future haha

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    • interesting you consider looks also but what comes first? looks confidence or is it just about the complete package?

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    • Ohhh sorry
      No yeah there good enough

    • I see thank you for taking the time to share your opinion 😃

  • I just like confidence.

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    • I appreciate the honesty: it seems to be the prime motivator for female attraction and the reason most males need to initiate the interaction.

  • Women get negativity no matter what they do. Sadly I've been learning this going into adulthood and IT SUCKS!

    A woman should be able to ask a man out if she wants to without fear of being shamed or having someone think something is wrong with her. We don't look at men that way, we see them as being confident and going for what they want.

    My main reason for not asking guys out is I feel they won't be interested in me. There's so much hate out there for plus sized women that it makes it incredibly difficult to want to do anything. I have to 'warn' guys about my size before I even meet them, because god forbid they waste their time by going out for coffee with a girl who then they find out is plus sized and is not attractive to them.

    I don't know about you, but I don't expect much when I meet a person for coffee. But if I at least have a decent conversation with them, then great! I don't think I've wasted my time if I'm not attracted to the guy or if he isn't someone I want to date. At least I had a decent conversation.

    I get that it's a big deal for some people and they have a right to not be attracted to me. But to make someone feel bad about themselves, no matter how they look is not right. You don't know their story. I guess that fear or being ridiculed has kept me from going after guys in person.

    I have no problems sending messages on line though. And I will let a guy know I like him. But I will never approach.

    I've always feared that if I approached a guy that he would laugh in my face, as odd as that sounds. I know it must be irrational to think that. But it's my biggest fear, so I just never approach guys.

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    • sorry to hear that. i guess that is the other element to the equation but you have to understand there are plenty of women out there highly desired by men who would prefer to play things coy. personally i respect any woman with the confidence to make the first move even if we turn out not to be compatible for what ever reason (personality, values, looks, etc.). for me sometimes the fear is the same fear that women have, e. g. "what if i'm leading her on".

  • A sense of humor is very important. I like guys that can make me laugh but are also okay with me being funny, as well. A lot of guys I've talked to could have been thought of as attractive but their communication skills were rusty. If you don't know how to keep a conversation going or don't know when to stop talking, that is a major turn off. He has to be witty and know how to use his words to communicate effectively. If not, it's just awkward

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    • Agreed: humour and leadership are both attractive traits. It's a shame more men are not taught how to lead the interaction in a manner conducive.

    • .. to female attraction.

  • Some guys have told me (when I was younger) that they hated girls pursuing them and it made them think she was lower value. I think some guys give mixed signals on that one, which is why females are so genuinely confused.

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    • interesting that they would think she was lower value. for me the only thing that would turn me off is if she was too masculine in her approach. e. g. she could let me know in an obvious way that she was interested, or she could slip a note that said 'hey you're cute, here's my number'. i would only really dislike it if she came over like joey tribbiani.

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    • fair enough. there's a lot of factors involved, e. g. what society thinks, what triggers risk-taking behaviour and what constitutes attraction (status for females, reproductive fitness for men).

    • hello just noticed this extra message. that's a good point and you are right in pointing out that there are precautions women (or men for that matter) have to take in identifying a prospective partner. due to lower testosterone levels coupled together with the fact that women tend to be more interested in a long-term emotional connection with a hunter/provider male, they will be less likely to initiate interaction for this reason. that's why i've come to the conclusion that it is probably best that men as a whole should be looking to be more dominant and take charge so that women don't have to. this makes sense since generally speaking women are better relegated to other areas of survival involving communication, organisation, etc. it makes sense: division of labour.

What Guys Said 10

  • WTF? Nobody says the reason that women don't ask men out on dates is because of slut shaming. (Which doesn't even exist anyway.)

    They don't ask men out on dates to hold themselves in a position of power. It perpetuates the traditionalist worldview that women are men's redeemers, that men should strive to earn their favor.

    That's why they don't want to ask men out on dates.

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    • you should probably read the whole post:

      'As for the confident woman, who is labelling her as a 'slut'? The smooth, attractive guy she went over to? The barista? Anyone nearby who probably isn't listening to the interaction and that the woman probably won't see again in her lifetime anyway? And if women are labelled 'sluts' what are the guys that get rejected labelled as? Beta male chumps?'

    • Either that or slow down. So we agree on everything? Except maybe on the explanation women give for not directly approaching men?

      I dunno, I think most women admit that the sort of just like it better the way it is. Even feminists have zero shame in articulating their desire for veneration from men, they just try to spin it as completely rational and deserved.

    • i would say we are agreed although i'm not really saying it's a bad thing as long as women are honest about what they REALLY want in a man: a confident and sexually dominant hunter-type. if that's not true why aren't more women doing some of the legwork and if it is true, why are feminists perpetuating this idea of slut-shaming. it could be true to some extent but if we are honest, in this 21st century liberal democracy it is definitely not what is holding women back from being proactive sexual agents. it's all about what triggers attraction.

      that is IF i am right. hence why i posted this question. but it's weird the number of different slants you will get on this subject which leads me to believe it's not all black and white in the slightest. finally, another question is the extent to which this desire for a sexually dominant male is compatible with feminist notions of equality: are women truly seeking equality in this day and age, or do they want something entirely different?

  • The main reason women don't ask out men is that many of them already have a lot men asking them out. All they need to do is to choose the most confidente and better one. The life is really pink for most women.

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    • sure but you have to wonder why it's biased that way in the first place - i. e. lots of men are already asking girls out because it's not something women generally do. otherwise you just have a paradoxical circle - women not taking the initiative because they don't need to take the initiative because men already do it because women don't take the initiative in the first place.

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    • I agree with the opinion owner

    • fair dos

  • Short answer. They don't have to

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    • Naturally: this appears to be the dominant state of affairs in modern society, which seems to reflect the fact that women find leadership - particularly in interaction - a desirable trait.

  • I'm worse than a beta chump, honestly speaking

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    • Well now you have to remember that as humans we tend to become what we tell ourselves we are.

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    • The bottomline is women's job is just choose who is the most attractive and confident guy whereas guys need a lot of effort and always rejected. I don't understand women. I lost faith in them.

    • true it is hard to understand women at the best of times but then a woman will tell you that. the best thing is to do is to find a common thread amongst the peaks and troughs of emotional turbulence and there you will find some sanity. again, all i can say is that non-initiators will not undergo the same spiritual journey of self-improvement in life as the initiators.

      you can be a lamb or a lion.

  • You're never going to get an honest answer from a girl without reading her mind.

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    • Haha well one might assume so but then it is always going to be difficult to determine what triggers attraction.

  • Woman don't ask out men because they don't have to. There basically guaranteed to get dates from guy if they do nothing. A guy is basically guaranteed to be single for life if he doesn't ask a girl out.

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    • agreed and I actually had a similar discussion below in which I pointed out that it begs the question of why women don't need to initiate. most likely because of their attraction to socioeconomic status.

  • What qualities of men do women find attractive?

    Money.

    Everything else is secondary.

    From personal experience, I can tell you this is absolutely true.

    There are dating sites specializing in wealthy men. They have no trouble getting contacted by women all day long.

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    • That's possibly the case but for a lot of men wealth is not sufficient aside from drawing in the gold diggers. One could argue it is the status and mindset that has allowed a rich man to become so attractive.

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    • I acknowledge that the mating strategy of picking up drunk girls can be successful.

      But your refusal to pay for a date is what makes guys like me able to pick up girls less than half my age. On a first date, I always ask, "Why do you like older men?" The number one answer is because they do not expect the girl to pay for the date. Women really hate having to pay. You make it really easy for me, keep doing it.

    • lol it's all about how you project yourself. you can be the little bitch that pays or you can look for shallow whores that like sugar daddies. personally i prefer to be the confident alpha male that is attracted only to women that know how to look after themselves. it's an aesthetic judgement, but i will appreciate the validity of your style.

  • As a guy I've always detested the gender role that guys have to approach, make the first move and ask out, be the initiator, and I don't know why, because people argue that men are natural hunters, men evolved to be the pursuers, if that is the case then I never ever felt close to having those instincts

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    • I understand the sentiment. I think the main justification for it is that masculinity is what women find attractive.

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    • i got this quote from an Australian Dating Coach/Guru for me, this is what he said about nice-guys and bad-boys in regards to women:

      Some nice guys have the belief that women will go through a “bad boy phase” and then eventually realize that they want a nice guy who treats them like a princess. This belief stems from seeing very confident, assertive women in their 30s and 40s eventually settling down with a nice guy. Why does that happen? Simple. Women lose their attractiveness as they age. When a woman hits 30 years of age, she rapidly begins to lose value on the mating market. She eventually gets to the point where she has to accept whatever she can get because all the confident guys are either committed or still sleeping with women in their 20s."

    • I think its exaggerated the degree to which young ladies sleep with older guys. I been out to plenty of night clubs and never really seen that happen much. Heck a lot of guys my age want to pull older attractive MILFs but then committing to a relationship is another thing I guess.

  • Women do approach men. Go look at the groupies swarming every celebrity. Go ask high school quarterbacks if they get hit on.

    Women just don't approach average men very often when they are young.

    40 year old women approach men more often, because they have to.

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    • point taken. status is everything when it comes to attraction.

  • Fact of the matter: Dating is MUCH harder for men, than women. So we men either need to play by the book (that is, initiating) or just stay single. Because most women will NOT approach men. They don't need to, since men always do the approaching.

    The only way women will start approaching men, is if men stop asking out women, or at least reduce it. I don't see this happening, though.

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    • i thought of another alternative and that is if we increase the population ratio so there are 1.5 - 2 times as many women. more girls to go around and the alpha males will have a few to spare. what do you think? good compromise?

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    • All this alpha, beta etc. are crap. Fact of the matter: If the guy is good looking, women flock to him.

    • well i used to think that as well but then i haven't had much success with women. so either i'm not as good looking as i think or the problem is that women do indeed prefer alpha males and i haven't been successful enough in my approach because of this.

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