Guys, why does every man I meet give the old "i'm not looking for a relationship" line?

i'm a realatively attractive person, independant and not clingy in the least. i like to be upfront with everyone i meet, and men seem to like my company. i don't sweat much, but i DO like to have some security in a relationship. somehow, though, i keep attracting these men who are happy to take me out, but then drop the line about not "looking for anything serious". this is usually the point where i throw up my hands and say "then don't expect me to sleep with you." and walk away feeling like i've wasted my precious time. am i just an asshole magnet, or am i doing something wrong?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • because everything you say about yourself is not true. you are not independent because you require security in a man, and you require a man to commit to getting serious with you before you have sex with him, which is totally clingy, and also super manipulative and disrespectful to men. sex is not some prize you give to men when they fulfill your bitchy pretentious demands, its an enjoyable experience two people share so when you intentionally hold back on it to suit your own selfish one sided desires its no wonder men don't want to do it with you. and when you're unwilling to share a single moment with him because of your own solipsistic expectations, why the fuck should he commit to something more serious than that and what else is he to expect but MORE demands and ultimatums? You don't get it, bitch, HE is the one walking away because any further interaction with you would be wasting HIS precious time of which you clearly have no regard for. You're a white elephant; he takes one look at you and sees the effort its worth to even obtain you, much less maintain you, is not even close to worth what he's getting

    narcissists like you, who use sex as a weapon and wonder what happened when people are less than pleased about it-- you sicken me

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    • And think themselves as prizes to be competed for and won. Like auctioning yourself off to the highest bidder.

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    • Oh no, I don't think you know how anti-feminist people get :)
      Fathers don't and didn't "auction off daughters."

What Guys Said 27

  • If they're assholes for not wanting a serious commitment right away, you're a frigid bitch for not putting out right away.

    Get it? You're not doing anything wrong apart from the bad attitude. Just because they're looking for something different out of a relationship than you doesn't make them bad people.

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  • They aren't exclusive. You could be an asshole magnet who is doing something wrong. But I also get the sense that you are a bit desperate for some kind of long-term commitment. I also get the idea you think of love and sex as a transaction -- you give a guy sex in exchange for some idea of long-term affection.

    When I was a single guy looking for something serious, your attitude about sex would have sent me running. I don't want to be with a woman who thinks sex is something she bestows as a reward. I want to be with a woman who has sex with me because it's mutually enjoyable.

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  • you are discovering that there are a lot of asses out there. I am sorry. It isn't you

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    • if the guy was honest, I dont see how he's an asshole

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    • @Bandit74 i would not respect a girl any more than i would a guy if she was going after the same thing. I have been around long enough to discover, no matter what one says, there is no such thing as casual sex. It causes damage in ways one can't always see.

    • fair enough

  • Where do you usually meet those men? Some places are more likely to attract this type of guys. I doubt anyone in the 30-40 age range would go to parties, clubs and such to meet potential partners. They feel far too old for that so only those looking for a fling would go there.

    Other than that, could be a number of things, who knows. Do you wear suggestive outfits? Also independent women sometimes come off as not interested in relationships. If it looks like you value your career more than a relationship a man might think he has a better chance to start with a sexual relationship first and go from there because you would immediately reject him otherwise.

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  • I think the guys you talked to honestly weren't looking for a relationship. Or at least that you weren't right for each other. Keep looking, the right guy will come around and he won't say that

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  • I can understand that this can be frustrating for you.
    To be honest, I am never looking for a relationship but sometimes I wind up in them. And it's a good thing when I do get in one.

    What I am trying is that there is a lot of men saying this but you can never tell how the future will go.

    As a tip I'd like to say is to stop saying to yourself that you wasted your time. Don't think that the guy you meet must be willing to be in a relationship. Not saying that you should sleep with the guy. Just don't cast him aside but just have a good time with him. Because:

    * He may change his mind when meeting you
    * He may not change his mind but you are maybe a friend richer
    * Guys that don't want a relationship have friends that do want a relationship (we meet people through people)

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  • Nah. I think you meet guys at the wrong places, or maybe go after the wrong type of guy. And vice-versa, sorry darling but if you are attractive you'll get lots of douchebag that will hit on you.

    Keep your head up, the right man will come. If I can find my ''Unicorn'', maybe you can find your "Pegasus'' ;) take care!

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  • Part of the issue may be the age of the men you are looking at. If a man wants to settle down with a woman, he usually finds her when he is in his twenties, leaving behind the hound dogs to fill up the single 30 something year olds.

    Just my opinion

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  • Yes and no. Your not doing anything wrong, but stop expecting guys to be in a relationship.

    Keep going on dates. If they "dont want anything serious", you can still date them. Dont put out. The relationship might grow to something where the guy is willing to go farther than just a girl he knows.

    But let the guy get there. Not everyone is looking to have a girlfriend. Maybe he has scars from previous relations. Maybe he is too busy to devote enough time to it. I know you want to give up, but maybe its the city you live in. Or the way you look.

    The guy or gal out there for you is just that, out there. Dont feel hurt that the guy doesn't want something right now, when after a few more dates he might be willing.

    if you see it as a waste of time, fine. But i see it as rushing him

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  • Its just that you are looking for the wrong type of guys. If you look in the right places then you won't have any problems.

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  • You're making a mistake. Usually, women are dating or relationships whereas men are dating for sex.

    Once you give a guy sex a few times, that's when he starts to think about you as potential relationship material.

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  • I'm not sure. Maybe they are actually being honest and saying that they are cheaters or man-whores, so that you would be warned.

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  • That's not an old line; That's them being honest with you.

    You aren't an asshole magnet, but you're just an entitled asshole.

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  • You mentioned the word security. Are you a control freak? Guys can smell that a mile away and you don't need to sweat for us to smell it. Also in our respective age bracket chances are good that we're recovering from a relationship. You're familiar with a mid life crisis which falls around the 30-40 mark. Although I could be wrong, just my take.

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  • At least they are telling you that. You need a plan, you could like warn them that you are not looking for a one night thing or so.
    Maybe now that you are getting a lot of those you could try approaching men by yourself (men you are not used to maybe).

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  • Well maybe the guys are genuinely not looking for a relationship. I can't really speak about the dating game but from outside of it, it looks funny.

    You are hitting an age group that you want to settle down and have a family. Maybe It is you on dates, talking about future and what you want. Which all of my friends would run a mile.

    My advice is take it easy. Do not stress. There is plenty of time and guys out there.

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  • Not an asshole magnet, but you may be attracted to more "bad boys" and if so, get used to being treated like trash. Find a nice handsome gentleman that will treat you with respect.

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    • Saying something like that goes against the culture of this website. The only reason she even asked if she might be doing something wrong is because she is older and more matured, as opposed to the younger ones, who say "It's always the guy's fault!".

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    • @Transigence It was more of a warning. I didn't mean it as an insult. I was just trying to say that talking about "bad boys" will give you negative responses here, it seems. Of course his response was great.

    • @RandomUsername3464 Speaking the truth about the dynamics between men and women anywhere will get you negative responses. Mostly from abusive women and white knights.

  • They aren't being an ass for not looking for a relationship

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  • Where are you meeting this men?

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  • Most likely their not into you. They might be taking you out for fun but they also might just want to smash and pass.
    I talk to this one girl I did that to. I'd smash but I would not date her she wasn't dating material.

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  • you are meeting wrong men

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  • It's clear why these woman get cheated on.

    They are able to attract men who are gorgeous and able to have sex with them.

    Woman can hookup with men who are more attractive than themselves.

    So it gives them this distorted sense of entitlement of who they can date.

    So they reject guys who are probably at the same physical attractiveness level as themselves. Because they think they can get better men.

    What they don't realize these gorgeous men just want to hookup and not date them.

    So these girls think they can get these gorgeous men to date them cause they can get them to have sex with them.

    So they reject guys in the "same" league as them. Maybe the guy could even be a bit higher on the attractiveness scale than her. But the girl is able to attract a more gorgeous man than the man is able to attract a more gorgeous girl.

    So girls keep rejecting men at the same level of attractiveness as themselves. And go for something higher. They usually succeed because it is not hard for a girl to get a man to have sex with her.

    The woman who get cheated on are usually the ones who are dating out of their league and not giving guys at the same attractiveness level as themselves a chance.

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    • There's a word for it: Hypergamy. Except it's not looks that women are interested in, it's height, money, and status. But the principle is the same.

  • Because generally guys are not looking for a relationship ever... a relationship is something we get caught in when a girl is manipulative enough to get us caught up with her.

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  • well its a fallen world. a wise man once said. the most secure/reliable sign that we are close to the end of times is when the classical model of family gets destroyed and completely abandoned by people.

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  • Whether or not we like it the truth is not everyone wants a long term relationship but many still crave intimacy. So I'm not sure if these people are assholes for having different desires than you or because they informed you of their desires. Personally I'd much rather a person tell me what they want than leave me to make inaccurate assumptions that are bound to hurt me later. So I don't think your an asshole magnet I think that you've unfortunately had the bad luck of encountering many individuals that don't share your desires. And I can't help to identify if your doing anything wrong because I don't really know what you've been doing. There's not really any details about how your finding these men.

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  • Why must you decide that they are "assholes" because of it? From their perspective you are too eager to commit, they don't want to immediately jump into a "committed" and "exclusive" relationship right off the bat. They are making the approach I believe most guys take which is getting to know you and getting comfortable with you before jumping in, it's a sensible approach for a guy.

    You don't get to decide that the female mindset is objective morality and they are assholes because of it.

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  • What age group of men are you dating?

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