Why does it seem like those who are serious about relationships have the most difficulty finding them?

It seems like the ones who actually seem like good candidates for being in a relationship are usually the ones having the hardest time. This isn't a typical "nice guy" complaining question. I mean this over both genders.

You read or hear about other people's relationships and think, "How did that thug/loser/bitch get into a relationship?" Like usually many people in relationships don't even want to be in one and again are not sincere about it.

It's like if you make a poll asking if iPhones or Android phones are better and most people know that Android is objectively better many times, yet 80% of the US population has iPhones.


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Because they're the ones that take it too seriously so they come off as desperate. That's not going to attract anyone

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    • True story. I went a bit overboard with the last girl I dated. Invited her over for dinner at my place on the 4th date. Made a great meal, 4 courses, really give it all. After dinner we made out a bit and she left. Told my friends about the meal I made and they said: ''ARE YOU FUCKING NUTS? it was wayyyy tooo much too soon bro. You are done. She'll think you desperate''. She avoided me for two weeks, they said we should not date anymore. Too much too soon kills ya I'm telling.

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    • @Broswater Well, you know, it's much easier said than done. Getting to that point is very difficult (or at least seems very difficult as I've been unable to make any progress at all for the past few years).

    • You are 17 son. Give it time. I had my first real date at 22 ;)

Most Helpful Guy

  • You don't know what goes on it those relationships you see on facebook or elsewhere, so you really want to avoid being envious. the best way to look at this scenario is that if she is amazing she won't be easy and if she's easy she won't be amazing. An amazing women is the women that is kind to everyone, educated, has a real job, respects herself and for lack of better term has her shit together. The woman that is amazing and single isn't worried about meeting someone because they are doing things like, spending time with family, going to school and going rock climbing with friends. They are busy doing things and this is why you don't run into these women very often. To sum it all up they have goals and plans for their life, want to live life to the fullest and aren't sulking around about how they are single and revolving their life around trying to meet a guy. The other girl that is easy and jumps from one relationship to the next with guys that are losers have issues, read up on my take on the girls that get with these guys for a better explanation, but to sum that up this girl will have problems and revolves her life around meeting guys. Read up on my take for a better explanation.

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What Girls Said 14

  • Simple: standards. People who are more willing to enter long term relationships are NOT going to do it with just anybody. You also have to consider that there are people who are intimidated by others who know what they want, or they will misconstrue a desire for a relationship as wanting to "lock them down." You need to approach it casually and allow it to actually flow on its own instead of entering it with this attack and kill mentality - assuming this is the issue of course. I think these are some of the reasons why committed people have issues finding relationships.

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    • Yeah I could definitely see that, I've struggled finding a relationship and there's a girl I met off POF 2 weeks ago who I'm open to seeing more but not sure about and she's already talking about doing stuff together months in advance and we only had one date so far. I mean she is new to the area so I get she's trying to meet new people but she does live somewhat of a distance away and asks why I'm so hard to hang out with when she asks me to hang out spontaneously when I have something planned.

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    • And RJgraveyteain and... Mm hmmm sex all day. That's right.

    • Uh I sincerely doubt that @PSIHEPA?

  • I suppose bc the people that are seriously lookin for the real deal are seen as picky, as they ought to be if they take relationships seriously. Why have a 'bf/gf' just for the sake of having one? Or to be able to say you're paired up. Nah, not me, I'd much rather keep my options opened and be available for the right One

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  • I think that people who really, really, really want a relationship not only give off the vibe that they are desperate, but also I think a lot of times they are lying to themselves about truly being ready for one. If you feel like you need a relationship to complete your life, you're not actually ready to be in one.

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    • Well sometimes it's also about finding the right one. Usually my case is that the ones I want a relationship with don't want one with me and vice versa and I'm not just gonna settle if I don't feel it.

    • Gotta remember that quote. Nice one. :D

    • I know a girl like this.. but it's kinda whorish.. as much as I hate to say it.. she keeps getting hot and cold.. says she can only offer friendship and now she's being hostile just because I said what she told me before she can only offer friendship because she keeps jumping from guy to guy.. the sad thing is just because she has her friends list hidden on facebook the male guys she's been with a dumped they all complain about how this girl is a lier and blah blah.. or if she gets a new guy they tend to like all her photos they stick out like a sore thumb.. she told me she was looking for a LTR but for 5 months I never met her friends nor would she go on a double date which was odd.

  • Those people may say they are serious but they probably do not act like it. Actions speak louder than words. I met this guy who asked me to be his girlfriend yet he made no effort to communicate with me and he claimed to be always busy. He said he was serious but he did not show it. Some people let their loneliness blind them from seeing that the person they want may not be the right guy or girl for them. And sometimes the simple answer is they are not compatible

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  • Aaand I assume you're facing that problem?

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  • That's a rather interesting question! I think it's just about priorities. People who are into serious relationships won't settle for anything less than that, no matter how much they may like the person. I've never been in a relationship for that reason, because I've never been interested in being in one. Guys who have asked me out were ultimately devasted for my lengthy negative responses. And even those who attempted to accept my choices, and tried to cooperate with them, failed to do such.

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  • To people who take selfies a lot, the iphone is actually better. Samsung phones distort a lot with their wide angle front camera.

    I think the problem is those who are most serious are the most picky, because they want their first to last forever.

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  • No offense, but I don't see this. I see people who aren't serious about relationships finding it easier to get into a NSA kind of connection, but I've always just assumed that people are less picky about who they'll fuck than about who they'll trust with their secrets or want to keep around for a long time. I and most of my friends have spent most of our lives partnered up and I don't recall any of us ever finding it particularly difficult, except for the pain of a break-up, of course.

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  • ask myself the same question

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  • I really do not believe this. Half the girls that I went to school with and were serious about relationships and wanting to get married and settle down... are married.

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  • dating with considering marriage and guys dating with considering bed :3 :3

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  • I know, right? 😯

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  • Thats just how things are.

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  • probably because most people dont want to settle down yet.

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What Guys Said 13

  • Because sexual liberation has encouraged young people to literally fuck around as much as they want before getting "serious".

    Serious relationships turning into marriage has become a social stigma. Instead of being considered a crowning achievement, its considered a " downhill" point.

    I could go on but meh, it pains me to write it

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  • Sometimes, the people who are serious about relationships are "too serious" and give the impression that they are desperate or needy, and that causes them to have difficulty finding a partner for a relationship.

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  • How did this thug, loser, bitch get into relationship?

    Ans:They actively go out and do fun things so people are drawn to their lives.

    Most people have a hard time getting into relationship who actively want one because they are actively seeking it out. Relationships are suppose to come about when you least expect it, not be forced.

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    • I don't believe in the last sentence. Many people actively seek dates and get them. There seems to be a contradiction anyway. On one end, you're told that you're doing something wrong if you're not in a relationship, and on another you're told that you're supposed to not expect it.

    • That's part of the reason why I think online dating doesn't work for the most part, in terms of finding something long term. Kinda forces the idea of forming a relationship more so than getting to know the person in my opinion.

  • Interesting question. And yes, I do think so.

    I think that finding relationships should be a gut feeling first. That goes for friendships and for romantic relationships. How many times have we made good friends with people that at first seem incompatible? I think the people that are not looking are using their gut feeling when it comes to relationships.

    However the people looking for a relationship have all kinds of standards. They filled up their minds how that future person should be. It's no longer a feeling. It's logic. It makes them in my opinion not able to find that person even if that perfect person is standing right before them. And even if they do consider them they will find some minor flaw in the person and reject them.


    Then I also think that after a while of not finding someone a certain desperation settles in which makes them perhaps less attractive to other people.

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  • Because the people that are actually ready to be in a serious relationship have the attitude like "the next person i go out with will be with me for the rest of my life, so i have to make sure he/she is PERFECT". While everyone else isn't nearly as picky (since they know its not going to be serious), so its easier for them to get into a relationship.

    Or at least thats one of the reasons in my opinion.

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  • I haven't read other responses to this but my guess would be you set the bar and have a plethora expectations. There isn't a specific formula for love and relationships. Sometimes it just happens. I honestly have no clue, I'm sarcastic and like to make people laugh... how I've ended up in relationships is beyond me. One thing led to another but I wasn't looking for it. As an side the "good candidates" don't necessarily deserve a relationship more so than others. Their are endless combinations of qualities that others find attractive and attraction makes about as much sense as Gandalf the Grey being reborn after killing a balrog.

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  • It's no single thing but rather a mix of things I'd image such as coming off as desperate, other people having standard, and people now a days just want to have fun, sow their wild oats.

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  • Uhm... I've seen posts on dating sites with titles likes "don't contact if not looking fir anything serious or "single mom 4months pregnant looking for father figure serious men wanted" kind of turns people off from just talking to them I guess. I want to go into a relationship feeling likes it's natural not under a presence that I have to commit at all costs. If it happens it's because I care for that person not because I'm looking for one

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  • People don't want to go into something where they know they will probably hurt someone. If they go into something like that they need to be as dedicated to finding that perfect person and both people need to be searching for nearly the exact qualities of the other. Eh, it's just timing, you find what you're looking for in time.

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  • More often than not they have a base level neediness. Other people can feel that. If you NEED to be in a relationship with the one right now, it's unattractive

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    • I can tell you right now. The 2 times girls are most attracted to you for a relationship or just a hook up is when either A: You're
      in a relationship and happy. And B: when you're single and happy. Not caring about a relationship.

      Does it suck? Kind of, because it's psychological. But it's also a good thing. You know what to change and you'll be much happier in the end

  • you are only 17. Girls that age want to have fun and be dumb.

    By the time you are 30 and they are 30 they'll start to slow down and want to settle down to be serious.

    To find a smart, decent women is possible but rare.

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  • Overthinking. Here's an illustration. Two people need to get to the other side of a lake. One person jumps in. The other sits and waits. Thinking. After a few minutes one person is in the middle of the water struggling. They either make it across or go back to the shore where they came from. They're wet and gasping for air and miserable because they overestimated how easy getting across would be. But they keep going. At the end of the day both people made it across. It took the first person several tries and now they're lying on the bank shivering cold and exhausted. The second person instead took the time to make a good boat while observing the other persons failed attempts. They are also sitting on the opposite bank now but unlike the first person they are fairly dry and feel fine. Dating is the same way. Many people are swimmers and other people are boaters. Swimmers hop in and keep swimming till it works. Boaters plan and although it may seem like it's taking forever to get moving they usually end up feeling a little better in the end. But in the end both eventually make it to the other side. Finding a relationship is easy all you need to do is keep jumping in. But if your goal is to get to the other shore with little inconvience it's gonna take a lot more time.

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  • Same boat as you man. I mean eventually want a relationship but sometimes I'm not sure what I want since I meet women off dating sites and usually multi date so I don't put my all my eggs in one basket which also has issues.

    Usually my thing is I'll have a date to four dates with women and then never hear from them again and I try not to reveal my intentions too early, depending on how much I like the person. I mean if I find that I really like a girl, I try and control myself and make sure I don't come on too strong and scare them away but even then it still hasn't worked out. Dating nowadays is kinda fucked, especially with the technology and dating sites. Sure you'll meet women easier with common interests but it's so fucked because it's impersonal and you're dealing with much more competition than you are in real life.

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