How do I handle the "seeing other people " question?

Been seeing a guy for a few months. We are sleeping together, but it's been a complicated situation so I can't quite call it a relationship and don't really even call him my boyfriend, although in my mind he is. It is kind of assumed we're not seeing /sleeping with other people but we've never really labeled it or made it official. I've told him how much it would bother me if he was with other girls, I've told him I'm not seeing other guys, and I've asked him if he's seeing other girls (he said no). But I know he's not ready for a real relationship right now and I don't want to scare him off. He got divorced a couple years ago and I think it kind of scares him. Due to distance and busy schedules, we don't get to see each other very often. He tells me he loves me.
How do I approach the subject of being exclusive? I want to know if we are, but I'm so scared I'll scare him away if he's not ready. Should I not bring it up at all? I'm ok riding things out right now and keeping it "unofficial " but would not be ok with him seeing other girls. And while I don't need the relationship status right now, I don't want to waste my time indefinitely and he will never get to that point.


Most Helpful Girl

  • Well, to be honest it kind of sounds like you want a relationship with this guy. Like a real relationship where you two refer to each other as girlfriend and boyfriend.

    To be honest, you want all the exclusivity of a relationship, without calling it a relationship for the sake of his perceived feelings. I think you need to sit down and talk to him.

    He divorced 2 years ago, so surely he has had some time to move past that. I know people can be hurt for a long time, but if he is willing to let someone else in (as he has said he loves you) then surely he must be able to allow himself to have a girlfriend. He basically already has one in you.

    Please do not cheat yourself out of what you truly want, which is what this sounds like to me. You need to be firm in that you understand if he is hurting, but you don't want to be used and you do want a relationship eventually.

    Check in with him, let him know you respect his feelings and are okay with how things are, but that you want to know where you two stand.

    You also need to make yourself a timeline as to how long you are going to wait until you two are official. There are a million excuses why a person is not or can not be exclusive with another person. However, there is only so long a relationship can survive if both parties are not getting what they want.

    So you need to make a decision as to how long you are going to wait this out if he comes back to you saying he isn't ready.

    I hope for your sake that he is. But if he isn't you need to be prepared for that and set a timeline in your head for walking away.

    • Thanks. .. this makes a lot of sense and you are right in various ways. I know I'm afraid of pushing him because I could lose him, but it IS unfair for me to settle. I do worry about being used. More for me to think about.

What Guys Said 2

  • You should see if he wants a relationship because if not, then you should be seeing other people. Check out myTake on scarcity:

    It's not fair for you to be stuck in a position where you're not in a relationship, yet not allowed to date other people. That's why most people consider exclusivity to be a symbol if a relationship. Because until you're in a relationship, you should be dating and meeting other people to avoid the issues I described in myTake.

  • If you want to pin down the exclusive side of things while not pushing on relationship, basically just say 'for health reasons as much as anything else, I'm really only comfortable sleeping with someone who is not being intimate with anyone else. If that's not the situation here, I need to know'


What Girls Said 3

  • I could be off but if He told you he loves you. I think that's a pretty big sign that he's not trying to be with other girls. You told him you weren't seeing anyone else and he said the same. I wouldn't say anything more just keep making him happy like it seems you are.

    • Thanks. .. I guess my only thing is could be saying he loves me but not mean it. But I'm trying not to be paranoid and am trying to take things at face value.

  • "Hey, I was wondering, I know we're both too busy for a serious relationship right now, but what do you think about being exclusive (not seeing other people)? I really like/love you, and I'd like to have an exclusive relationship with you. If you're not up for it, I understand, but I just want to know so that we're both on the same page if one of us does decide they want an exclusive relationship."

  • How about something kind and sweet and simple? "I know you love me and I love you and that makes me feel so happy, I am proud to be with you and would like us to be girlfriend / boyfriend" It's honest, non-threatening, sweet and most of all, it's true.