What is the real motivation in a friends with benefits relationship?

It seems that every post I read about a friends with benefits relationship involves someone getting hurt because they have feelings that aren't reciprocated by their partner. I have the impression that the friends with benefits status was created so that people could justify having sex sooner in a relationship without any sense of guilt (I know that most people don't feel overwhelmng guilt about having sex) and, if it didn't work out, they could back away and say, "Well it wasn't really a relationship to begin with. . .." So, why would you have/have you had a friends with benefits relationship?

  • I have never had a friends with benefits relationship, and I never wil.
    38% (19)37% (13)38% (32)Vote
  • I have never had a friends with benefits relationship, but I would try just to have easy, available sex.
    8% (4)20% (7)13% (11)Vote
  • I have never had a friends with benefits relationship, but I would with the hope that it would turn into something more serious.
    2% (1)9% (3)5% (4)Vote
  • I have never had a friends with benefits relationship, but I would so that I wouldn't feel as hurt if it didn't work out.
    2% (1)9% (3)5% (4)Vote
  • I have had a friends with benefits relationship just to have easy, available sex.
    22% (11)23% (8)22% (19)Vote
  • I have had a friends with benefits relationship with the hope that it would turn into something more serious.
    24% (12)2% (1)15% (13)Vote
  • I have started a relationship as friends with benefits so that I wouldn't feel as hurt if it didn't work out.
    4% (2)0% (0)2% (2)Vote
And you are? I'm a GirlI'm a Guy

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I tend to believe that the majority of friends with benefits situations out there are really about one of the two people settling for less than what they really want because either they hope it'll grow into something more, or they don't believe/know they could get better.

    I also think if a gal gets into a friends with benefits situation with no feelings, there's a high likelihood she will develop feelings because females are wired differently than males. Our hearts are connected to our hooha. Men's hearts aren't so connected to their members.

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    • i don't know anyone who gets into a friends with benefits with a person they really don't have feelings for only to develop feelings. Also if sorrow gets into a casual ongoing relatiosmhip they can Develop feelings regardless of sex or not. Trick to friends with benefits is to make them short lived or with soemoen you absolutely do not want to be with.

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    • Thanks for MHO.

    • You are most welcome. I have never had a friends with benefits relationship and never would, but based on everything I hear, I concur in your opinions on this matter.

Most Helpful Guy

  • It's fairly common to see girls start a friends with benefits situation because they want the guy to eventually "fall for them" or if they do it with the idea it's just going to be sex they often start getting emotionally attached afterward due to the oxytocin which is released in women during sex.

    Guys more often than not, see friends with benefits as sex without attachment. Easy sex with a female you are not interested in being with but is willing to have sex when asked. It is not often that guys "grow feelings" for a girl who is willing to give away sex without effort.

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    • Yeah I mostly agree with this explanation.

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    • How many women do you know who got into a friends with benefits with a guy the and no interest in and ended up wanting to be with him? Women may be less likely to Fuck anything withy moves o they can go in with feelings but you don't develop feelings from sex on its own. As with prostitition women have been doing that for thousand sof years. Attachment free sex. They are masters at it.

    • @Azara No oxytocin is not a female only hormone but it is more active in females during sex than in men. It is also enhanced by estrogen and it's effects reduced by testosterone. SO women get more and it's enhanced, men get less and it's weakened.

      Oxytocin is the chemical which increases bonding, not necessarily sexual. During pregnancy and during breast feeding, the bonding of the mother and the child occurs with the heightened levels of oxytocin.

      I am indeed NOT recycling propaganda. You simply refuse to accept anything outside your set ideas.

      The reason behind women not getting emotionally attached with sex in things like rape and prostitution is because other emotional blocks and other chemicals like reduce the oxytocin levels. These females are not having sex for pleasure. A female having a one night stand or a friends with benefits is having sex for pleasure.

      www.savvymiss.com/.../...ur-relationship-4326.html

      www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/275795.php

      www.webmd.com/.../how-the-love-hormone-works-its-magic

      www.smart-publications.com/.../oxytocin-the-real-love-hormone

What Girls Said 23

  • Casual easy access to physical contact with someoej you're attracted to when you're not meeting anyone you actually want relationship with or when you don't want a relationship at all. The second is tricky be you could end up in a friends with benefits with someone youd otherwise like as a partner so your feelings could still develop even though you're not looking for a relationship. Which creates inner conflict ad external melo drama.

    Some people dishonesrly get I to friends with benefits with people they already like. This was never friends with benefits to begin with it was friends but hoping will be more. That's why the posts show up with hurt people booing their lies will work out magically.

    If I was to do a friends with benefits it would be with smeone I trust but am not interest in a relatiosmhip with. I would nit enter a friends with benefits with a person I could see myself with. I do not use friends with benefits as a test pilot to see how relationship would be be it sets up a really unhealthy mind set. Being if you have feelings for the person you're domh something wrong. You can't task sleek at want aresltiomship would look like if simulate outlay emotional depth is considered elicit and beech if contract.

    However some people do start friends with benefits with an open mind. Those people are cool with no agreement and with seeing where things go. I don't have problem with that it's just I prefer clear boundaries it creates less opportunity for games.

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  • F. I had a friends with benefits. At first it was because I wanted to lose my virginity and he wanted to have sex with me, and mutually we agreed that he would take it and that he'd help me with it (he knew how nervous i was). eventually, probably pretty quickly lol, i developed a lot of feelings for him, we were "fuck buddies" for over a year, he never viewed it as anything more serious but i prolonged it because i really liked the guy. In the end I just got hurt. But I don't regret losing my virginity to him

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  • my answer is none of the above.

    yes, i have been in an friends with benefits situation; my friend *kyle asked me out a week after my previous relationship ended. i agreed to it, but not for the reasons one might think.

    see, i was sexually assaulted by my then-boyfriend of 6 years, and i would have been quite content to never have sex again. but kyle and i had been friends for 2 of those years, and we hung out a lot.. my logic was that, because he already knew me, i wouldn't have to worry about him judging me. and, because he was my friend, i wasn't threatened bt him and could trust him not to hurt me.

    (we eventually did sleep together, but it was awkward~ we just weren't romantic, and i wasn't sexually attracted to him. but he was safe, though i never did tell him about what my ex had done.)

    after almost 2 years, i ended our "relationship of convenience"; thanks in part to a wonderful therapist, my old wounds had finally healed to a point that the trauma of the assault no longer held me hostage and i felt ready to move forward with my life.

    (kyle took it well and we're still friends, though we're definitely not as close as we were before. i think that, under different circumstances, it might have worked out, though we were both just too damaged for any sort of real relationship to evolve. but it was for the best.)

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  • Sex with no strings attached, I would say. Not sure what other motivations there might be. That's pretty much the sum of it. I know for a lot of people my age, many of us have been married for 15-20 years, and even if your marriage is still strong and you are happy together, doing new things with someone different can be kind of exciting. It's not everyone's cup of tea, and naturally there is a morality issue at stake which is another discussion entirely. However, arrangements such as these generally end in a much more satisfactory manner for both parties if both can be mature about the whole thing. There are plenty of people out there who don't have a desire to divorce or leave their partners, but aren't getting any sex at home and aren't ready to live a sexless life yet. For a lot of them, it's a simple solution to a common problem. As long as they are both consenting adults, I don't really see what the big issue is. Learning to reign in your emotions would be the biggest obstacle, I suspect.

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  • in my opinion " friends with benefits " is pure bull shit no such thing ,
    It's either: lover , friends , or booty call.

    people just call it friends with benefits to make the other person feel liked when facts are they do not like you romantically they want you sexually or

    people to foolish to confront their feelings for each other and willing to risk losing their crush to an other person who won't be foolish and be direct

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    • No it's sex with someon you trust. Friend s can have sex even if you domt have sex with friends doesn't mean other people don't

    • in my opinion my generation do not know the meaning of a friendship and the meaning of a booty call and meaning of a romantic relationship

  • I had a friends with benefits once, but I didn't realize he had put me in that category. Once I added it all up, I walked and never looked back. Not what I signed up for.

    Interesting side note, the guy texts me all the time now and wants me to "give him a chance." As if. :P

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    • They never seem to grow outta the 'I want what I can't have' stage

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    • Yea, and sadly as soon as they break ya, and get what they want, they're gone again. I swear, sometimes I think it's literally the challenge and nothing more. Stay STRONG

    • I was lucky to meet someone very soon after the idiot. He treats me with love and respect. I laugh at the other one now; he had his chance!

  • Doesn't appeal to me. My libido is tied to my level of trust with the person and that just doesn't come instantly.

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  • Convenience is usually how it begins, but it's common knowledge that the more often your intimate with a partner, stronger feelings develop and it's usually the girl who wants exclusivity and commitment, whereas the guy wants to keep things the way they are, because they have the freedom to go after randoms of their liking

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  • I think usually only one person in the friends with benefits thing is hoping for more (usually the girl ) and one person will get hurt ( usually the girl)

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  • Females think that if you have sex with them that you care about them and to me if the man is honest he would tell her he doesn't care about her as a person and all he wants is sex.

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  • Only once for me, and it's like you imagined - I was totally in love with him and decided I'd rather be with him "sort of" than "not at all". I don't regret it, but it was pretty painful, 'cause OF COURSE he never fell for me.

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    • That's not a friends with benefits.

    • we called it friends with benefits and that's how he saw it. I just wasn't able to keep my feelings out of the mix.

  • Never had. Don't think I'd be open to it but that could change depending on where I'm at in my life. I'd like to experience a proper relationship first and see how it goes

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  • Its usually always a bad idea.

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    • That's my impression. I think friends with benefits is like trying to put the square peg in the round hole, trying to make people behave in ways that are not natural.

    • Basically. :/ its really sad. Haha great comparison xD

  • I had a friends with benefit relationship for a year and i developed feelings which freaked him out then later when i moved on he developed feelings! he says he loves me but eh who knows!

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  • Not all people have the same reasons

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  • Besides the obvious? 😀

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  • E applies for every friends with benefits relationship that I've had

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  • It was never about a relationship it was just supposed to be sex nothing more.

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    • Yes, I know the theory of what it is supposed to be. You are old enough to realize that everything is not always as it should be. I am asking about the reasons people actually get into these relationships.

    • For myself it was about getting regular sex.

    • Thanks for the clarification.

  • I ended up having sex with my male best friend at least twice. We both agreed it was fun and it was nothing more since we had other people that we liked. My best friend and I are still friends. I will admit that it does get a bit annoying when he talks about other girls he has hooked up with and/or he wants to hook up with. Him and our other friends like to go on about it for hours. :/ I feel like he is rubbing it in my face and it can be a bit disrespectful. He is always touching my boobs and my butt. He licked my face last night as well! X0 One of other friends told him needs to stay in the friend zone. Any suggestions?

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  • People are lonely and want some human contact

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  • Only benefits would be sex.

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  • That's not true friends with benefits relationships never turn into anything serious it's pretty rare

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  • Dont get it at home so have it on the side

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    • That sounds like a sad situation.

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    • Yeah, that is pretty common, it seems. They could probably have an entire Craigslist category just for people in that type of situation. :/

    • Dont need craigslists @margaritapeach

What Guys Said 8

  • Voted A. I wouldn't even consider this kind of 'arrangement'. It's against my ethics and moral values.

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  • It's a bad idea and I would never bother with one. Somebody will get hurt, it might not be me but I don't want anyone to get hurt.

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  • It's for people that are sexually attracted to each other, but one or both parties know in mind that they're not right for a relationship. So in the interim, even as they are on the dating market, they choose to enjoy just the sexual aspect with each other.

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  • It's supposed to be a relationship based on strictly sex.

    but little do people know, these kinda things don't work
    unless they're both people with no emotions or any wants of having an ACTUAL relationship.

    Long-statement-short,
    You're fuck buddies who do 'couple' things minus the FEELINGS.

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    • Nah, you only do one couple thing, which is sex. Everything else is friends things. You don't go on dates just the two of you together. You will only meet to have sex, otherwise you just meet with a bunch of friends, but not 1 on 1. It wouldn't work.

    • @TheGeorge That's exactly what I said ! 😂😂😂

  • lust pure and simple

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  • I used to think friends with benefits was a bad thing to do, now i actually see the point in it, provided both parties are open what they want and are looking for it can be great, everyone gets urges

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    • I understand your point and, in a "perfect" world, that would make sense. The problem is that too often, at least one pf the participants is wanting more than just casual sex and they are settling for friends with benefits with hopes that it will become more than that. When it doesn't, one party is very much hurt/disappointed and the other party is angry because they were clear about what they wanted but their statements were ignored. All of that is a predictable result of human nature.

  • they're not cut out for it. if one doesn't like casual sex, then don't do it to look cool.

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  • I wouldn't do the friends with benefits thing. Never have, never will.

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