Does love come by itself or should you pursue it?

It's just very confusing when I see posts on forums in general. On one end, I see people doing all sorts of things and having this active dating life where they're meeting all these new people, and trying to get into a relationship with one of them, etc.

And I've personally been trying to esbalish that status quo, but I've been completely unable to so far in my life, despite trying. I have had no luck or even a hint of interest from girls at all despite putting myself out there quite a bit (I've talked to many girls and asked out quite a few so far in my high school career). I've never even had a female friend. I've been wanting to date for quite a long time, but haven't gotten any opportunities. This is old news for those of you that know me.

See I'm not just talking about love or sex, but getting dates and generating interest.

So it's confusing when on the other hand, you see some people saying to "be patient" or "it'll happen on its own" and phrases of the like. I just feel like if you have an active dating life already, of course that's all you can do at that point, but I don't think it's applicable to someone in my position, which I don't want to get into details of because there are a lot more complications that I just don't want to mention because it would take away from the cohesion of this question and I just don't have the space.

But basically, that advice just doesn't seem adequate for someone who is unable to even have a dating life at all, again because there are peole going on loads of dates, and I find it hard to believe that all of those dates are just coming out of thin air for them.


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Most Helpful Girl

  • You've got to pursue it to some extent.
    If you don't leave your house, you will never meet women.

    It's like getting a job. Rarely will anyone just offer it to you, you have to get out of the house and find one. You get rejected a lot but, but one day you finally get lucky and land someone.

    I think what they mean by "it'll happen on it's own", means that when you do find someone, don't try to force the feeling. It should come naturally once you meet the person

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    • I agree. This seems like a much more realistic view. I just can't fathom the idea that even getting dates can be left up to fate. Like that you have to pursue, I think, to a significant extent. But beyond that, I think the "it'll happen on its own" is applicable.

Most Helpful Guy

  • Ahhhh, my friend, I am in somewhat of the same boat as you. The dating game is a daunting and confusing prospect to me. I have not dated, and am not really into the whole pubs-clubs- and bars scene.
    I put myself out there a few times in high school, once I was successful, didn't last though, and we were still kids. The last time I tried, which was in yr 11, I felt an immense attraction towards her, and she really liked me, but it seemed she was not quite on the same level as me, which was rather devastating.
    I have not done anything since, although I can't say that I understand the your side completely; I do get girls showing interest in me, I am aware, but they never really act on it, and I don't feel the need to.
    I do have a great desire to be with someone, but my belief is that the perso that I will end with will be a best friend first, and then develop into my lover. So I practice patience, which is very distressing because I do desperately have that desire, but I learn to live with it.

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    • Even you're in a much better position mate. I never had a girl "really like" me or show any interest at all. I remember that girl i felt an immense attraction for and she just conpletely blew me off. More than that, you even succeeded once.

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    • Still much much better than me.

    • Your only seventeen, just continue to grow as a human being, focus your strengths, and know your weaknessess. Your time will come if you begin to understand who you are and become confident with that knowledge.

What Girls Said 9

  • well, it is a mix of both. Active dating and just letting it happen.
    feverishly asking girls out or go to date after date is probably not going to do the trick. There is somewhat a sense of desperation to it. (my opinion)

    To be worried about your dating life at 17 is a bit early. The dating pool is limited when you are at school and always surrounded by the same people.
    It will get easier once you can broaden your network.

    And yes, it will just happen. it always does. I never expected to meet my fiance where I met him. you never know, you have a plan and then life just thorws you a curve ball.
    The most important thing is to be aware enough to see a good thing when it is in front of you and take action.

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  • I think the advice people give you like that they just assume that you are socializing and going out a lot. It's the same thing when people say "marry your best friend" they assume that your best friend is a girl or a guy if you are a girl

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  • You can't just sit at home and expect her to come and knock on the door...

    You gotta do your part and go look for girls. :)

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  • Depends on if you're a guy or a girl.

    Guys pretty much *have* to pursue. Girls too sometimes, but not always.

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  • The best love happens unexpectedly. Love should find you

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  • Always pursue.

    “If you decide to just go with the flow, you'll end up where the flow goes, which is usually downhill, often leading to a big pile of sludge and a life of unhappiness."

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  • As a man you should be pursuing it. You are the hunter and the woman the prey. The bible says, a man that Findeth a wife Findeth a good thing and obtain favor. You have to be lead to find the one for you by God. We as women are suppose to be in place to be found but not do the pursuing. Anything that is worth having is worth pursuing. So, start hunting...

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  • Nothing comes without effort and trying. It doesn't just happen.

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  • For me the only route to going out with a guy is friends first.. I'm not demisexual but I just wouldn't be able to connect with someone if there was the pressure of romance from the off and I didn't know how I felt about him as a person etc., dating is weird to me.

    So my advice I suppose is to not worry too much about approaching girls and asking them out. Just making friends to begin with is good.

    Not to sound patronizing or anything, but High School is hell. It can break you and I feel you on that, like really, really I feel your pain. But when you get to college, basically you'll never need to see most of the people you were at High School with again, and you'll have the opportunity to meet lots of new people, who will want to make friends, because they're also new and also don't know anyone. 'It'll happen on it's own' in the sense that you'll get to know lots of girls and maybe grow close to someone and end up going out with them; as opposed to pursuing one particular girl who you don't really know well in the first place.

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    • Sorry, utter crap. Really. I went to college and university and the worst advice is that it will happen. It never happened. My love life only happened when I persued it. Aggressively pursue, why do you think "players" get laid? They persue it. Simple. Logical.

What Guys Said 6

  • In general, it's like this:-
    Men need to actively pursue love, while for women it almost always happens by itself.

    Of course, there are always exceptions.

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    • If that's true then love is hiding somewhere because I go out and I don't actively pursue love but it'd sure as hell is not pursuing me lol

  • Love doesn't "come by itself". You are at least going to have to meet girls, engage with them, and eventually make an invitation. Or you can just hang around and settle for the first one that shows some interest.

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    • I agree. This seems more realistic than the overly optimistic, "Love comes when you least expect it."

    • Love does come unexpectedly, but it doesn't break your windows to climb down into your parent's basement where you are playing XBox. The more girls you are friendly with, the more likely it is that you will find a happy relationship.

  • i believe we should put effort to make ourself happy

    it is like a job , i won't expect random people will come and beg to me to accept a job with great salary

    it goes to both men and women

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  • its a choice

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  • as a guy you are expected to pursue, unfortuneately

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  • 30% itself 69% pursue 1% luck

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