I've been dating this woman for the last couple months and things got serious quite fast. When we're together things are great but she does have a somewhat sordid past and told me when we first started dating that she had no interest in ever getting married or having children. After the first month, she has changed her mind about those two things and told me I was the first guy she could actually see that kind of a future with. Great.
Since then she's been really open with me about all the things from her past. Nothing I was too uncomfortable with at the time she told me. She did, however, tell me that she cheated in her last relationship of 10+ months because she wasn't getting enough sex. Fine. What bothered me wasn't that she cheated, because the guy she was with was no prince charming, but that in the way she told me about it she sounded like cheating was justified and she didn't seem to feel sorry she did it.
I know 'cheaters will always cheat' isn't always the truth but what does bother me is that she 'gave up' on repairing that relationship and opted to cheat.. If I'm going to have a future with someone, I'd like to trust the person I'm with will go as far as me to fix things when things get hard. She's also still friends with a fair amount of guys she's dated and hooked up with over the years. That didn't bother me at first but now knowing she isn't above cheating just for sex, it gives me pause.
I told her my concern about it and that I need space this week to think. I told her I'd talk to her once I've had time to sort it out.
I didn't think that I could continue my relationship with my boyfriend when I four d out about his cheating past. He came right out and told me that he had cheated on every girlfriend he ever had. For a long time I had trust issues because of this, but decided to continue my relationship because I fell for him quickly and couldn't imagine my life without him. I have now been with him for four years and he has not cheated on me once. This is also his longest relationship, and it is mine as well. Given my experience, I believe that some people can change. Him and I have had rough patches but he has never given up on me and he has always worked with me throughout all of our hardships. I would give her a chance, if I was in your situation. It will be hard at first for you to get over the cheating that she has done within her past, but it is her past. You are her possible future. And everything can change for the better. Stay positive and honest with her and if she respects you than she will do the same. Best of luck.
I personally wouldn't risk it no matter how nice she seems otherwise. Being the type of person to cheat over not enough sex is a serious red flag, all that says to me is that she won't work to fix problems in a relationship and that she can't control her sexual urges. The fact that she doesn't feel guilty about it either would have put the nail in the coffin for me. Of course now you've told her that it's bothering you she's going to tell you that she regrets it and that she does feel guilty and she'll probably turn on the water works, again I wouldn't trust her. Then obviously she's friends with all the men she hooked up with, you can garuntee they'll try again at some point, I've had girlfriend who've told me this at the start of the relationship trying to assure me that nothing would happen with them and that I could trust them, almost every one of them did eventually do something with one of those men.
However if you ignore this and you continue on with her, make it clear that you expect things to be sorted or for her to leave before getting with anybody else.
From what you've said here, she's either really serious about you or really open about her past. If you have the impression that she doesn't tell many people the things she's told you, then she's probably serious.
She opened up to you about things she was probably ashamed of doing, and that is a big deal. Honestly, I'd give her a chance if you really lIke her. People change and grow, and just because she cheated in the past doesn't mean she would do it again. She has never wronged you, and she felt safe enough with you to show her weaknesses. Maybe you felt her justification for what she did was weak, but there may be more to the story than you know yet. You might be paranoid for a while, but if she wants to be faithful to you, then that feeling will pass.
Be open and honest with each other, and gentle and caring. Give each other a safe place to talk. Trust until given a reason not to. Her past is important to be aware of, but her future is what's most important.
Just because she cheated before doesn't mean she's going to in all of her future relationships... but the hanging out with ex hookups could b a deal breaker... But she was honest with u about her past, it would b a little unfair to hold it against her...
It's really not fair to her for you to break up with her after she has been so honest with you, nor to assume that she has no remorse about cheating just because of your perception of the way in which she told you.
I have been in this situation before. Pretty much ANYONE knows that admitting to cheating in the past isn't going to sound like a positive thing to someone that you're just starting to date. So naturally a person would want to lie about this... If she is admitting the cheating to you, it's because she is serious about you and wants you to know that she has nothing to hide from you.
If I were you, I would appreciate that she opened up to me, and I would let her know that I am supportive of her and won't judge her based on her past. I would make this very clear to her, because if you keep "punishing" her (such as telling her you need space) when she tells you the truth about things that you never really would have known nor needed to know otherwise, she won't be as open over time.
I would only be concerned if she learned anything from that experience. Cheating happens, hell, I cheated too, I was in an abusive relationship, and somehow it helped me to regain my sanity and sense of self... but cheating just because there wasn't enough sex... I don't know... if that is an issue really depends on how much she tried fixing the relationship before that happened. There can also be many facettes to couple issues.
Instead of focusing on the "cheating" you should ask yourself if she has learned that in order to have a healthy relationship, things need to be talked about. Solved by communicating, before taking any rash action.
I told my boyfriend, there are no second chances. If you cheat on me, there will be no amount of begging, pleading or crying that will get me back. It will be over the moment I find out. Done. No conversations. No phone calls. No texts. No emails. No letters. There will be no contact and no chance for us to get back together.
So I would tell her to make sure its the best sex you've ever had, because it will cost you this relationship. Period
Who's to say that she didn't try all she could to try to make the last relationship work? I think that with cheating ( particularly with long term relationships) it is often both parties who are to blame. A happy content partner doesn't suddenly just cheat. It is often as a result of a serious disconnect within the relationship. If this disconnect continues for months, even years, individuals will stray. That's why it is so important to continuously work on your relationship to keep it happy and healthy. But seriously, 10 months, why not just break up?
Ask her if she regrets it. Find out how she really feels about it. If she gives you an answer you want to hear, then trust her and move past it. If she defends her cheating openly saying it's justified, break up.
I don't think I would be comfortable dating someone who cheated... if things were bad with uer ex why didn't she just break up with him?
To me, nothing justifies cheating. Either break up or be faithful.
Honestly, I think by telling you it was because she wasn't getting enough sex she was trying to almost justify cheating on you in future if you don't meey all her needs. Wouldn't you rather be with someone who will work through it with you?
I couldn't be with someone like that. Like, what if sometime in the future we HAVE to spend some time apart for some reason? A month or two. For school or work or for family reasons. I would be so afraid that he'd cheat on me during that time because he's not having his needs met. Would you be able to trust her during a time like that? The way she justified her cheating and pretty much refused to talk to her ex about their issues shows immaturity on her part. If she felt dissatisfied, she could have talked to him. She could have encouraged him to have more sex with her. Or she could have left. Cheating is never justified and the fact that she doesn't seem to regret it is a bit scary.
I know how you feel. As a human being I would have many doubts and start overthinking. I would feel uncomfortable too. At least she told you she cheated in her last relationship. The reason not enough sex. You also gotta check if she has hyper sexuality. (not stating that she has it) just to make sure. What does your gut tell you? Do you wanna give her a chance? it's a bold move. Anything can happen. have D&M with her. how she felt about cheating in her last relationship.
Let me tell you something. I was in the same boat as her. Probably worse. But then I met my fiance and everything changed. I would probably still be doing it if I hadn't met him. It all depends on her. If your the one she won't cheat. If you give her what she needs she won't cheat. She is probably used to getting what she thinks she needs or wants and is so used to it she doesn't care. But when she meats the right person she will start to care. If she's telling you everything then give her a chance. Our relationship went fast quick to and were still together. But it also depends on if you trust her, and if you keep communicating. She will never leave your side if you communicate, listen, and fulfill her needs.
Everybody deserves a second chance. But its kinda hard when someone doesn't have the same values as you. Because she won't appreciate as much as you do. Maybe you want a serious relationship but what if she changes her mind and she doesn't. But its really up to you however you feel or think what is right.
Dude if she willing to tell you she cheated that means she 100% into you and wants it to work I know because I did that. You need to trust her and besides tell her if she cheats she gone and I doubt she break your trust.
Cheating isn't a mistake... it's a choice. So there is no justification for cheating. Personally, i wouldn't date a guy who admitted to cheating in previous relationships, because that would be his potential in a relationship with me.
Cheating is a sign of weakness and lack of self- control. A person who cheats has no willpower , so they have no control over their desires. When faced with something they desire , they give into those desires. They may feel guilty after the fact, prior to it , but during it.. they have no conscience or self- control.
Every relationship needs a solid foundation of trust. I wouldn't put my trust in someone who has given me one good reason not to trust them. A persons actions will tell you all you need to know.
If you decide to have a relationship with her then you would have to trust her, if not the relationship will fail. If she does cheat on you , don't beat yourself up about it or feel a fool, because it would just mean that you trusted her much more than she deserves.
Sometimes in life you have to forget what you feel, and remember what you deserve. We all deserve someone in our lives who we can trust to be loyal to us when our backs are turned. Good luck xx
Once a cheater is not an accurate saying. I've cheated in past relationships but haven't with the curent and we been together a really really long time.
I can't really say about her scenario though. Your concerns are to do with her not fixing problems. I cheated because I wanted to get laid and I could and no one has the right to tell me what I can and cannot do with my body. I've grown up a lot now and am now trapped in monogamy, so I have accepted I can't sleep with other people,
As long as she stays open and honest with you I think you can have a future.
Hi there. 2 months is pretty fast. My honest opinion is that I would give it more time and just see how it 'plays out.' It's positive that she's been honest with you - her past is her past - we all have one. But her behaviour is gonna speak volumes over the coming weeks and months, so I would just focus on building trust and an amazing relationship and see what happens! Don't let her mess you about however.
"the way she told me about it she sounded like cheating was justified and she didn't seem to feel sorry she did it." That is concerning, it would be one thing if she regretted it but quite anothe if she didn't feel the slightest bit sorry (also you can't really trust that her exboyfriend was all that bad seeing as how you only have her word and perspective on things to go on) I would personally be incredibly weary if not out right breaking up with her for that. If she did it just for sex then obviously the relationship really didn't matter all that much, she prioritezed sex over the person she was suppose to care about, if she is that easily swayed to betray the one person who trusts her most that isn't really a good sign (again especially since she shows no remorse for it) I find people who readily justify wrong doing are more likely to do it again since in her mind its not wrong so there is no reason not to continue the behavior. I would also be concerned about hanging out with men she has had a sexual history with ( the brain releases oxytocin during sex which creates emotional bonds with that individual ie higher probability of cheating on you with them) Honestly I would personally be against it but obviously its your choice. I would recommend, if you really like her, that you have a very long talk about it and express your concernes. Ask her to stop hanging out with those guys could give you an indicator of her intentions (if she says no then chances are she will likely cheat since she doesn't value you enuogh to break ties).
i think the concern that is biggest for me is that rather than breaking up with the guy because she was unhappy she chose to be unfaithful. so it would suggest that rather than dealing with the issue she instead will take the low road
and as you said her attempts to rationalize and justify cheating is lame.
it really depends on how you feel. don't just trust her words but really look at her behaviors for as the saying goes talk is cheap. I'd probably still continue to date her but my radar would be up for fishy behavior
It's hard to say mate, you know us guys over think about our Lady's cheating and that because we care so much and with her past your thinking about it all will be through the roof and also there's that once a cheater always a cheater which is what I do believe. Its a tough call, mate.
This will be a hard relationship, think it through considerably and hard, its not going to be easy at all
(1.) She was honest and open, usually people who aren't going to make the same mistakes will admit their past mistakes. (2.) As you said she doesn't sound guilty, however, that's a big problem. Especially since it took her 10+ months to feel "guilt". If someone cheats and instantly regrets it that's one thing, if they keep doing it they don't care. Do you want to date someone that doesn't care? (3.) She's flaky. "I don't want kids and marriage. Except now I do.", "I want something serious, but I'll still hang out with my fuckbuddies."
Cheating happens but if it is admitted and the context (her explanation) doesn't seem on the level, that is a huge red flag. Especially for something like sex, which can, by itself, make or break a relationship.
If it were me dating this woman, especially after only a month of dating, and I learned about this facet of her history, I would break it off. Too many questions about her integrity, too many questions about trustworthiness, altogether a very uncomfortable position to be in.
But that's just me, having dealt with this kind of thing before.
It depends, she said she sees a future with you. And the fact that she kind of opened up to even tell you she cheated way before you guys dated says she wants everything out in the open and be honest with you. But I do agree with you how it now gets you thinking about all the possibilities that might happen in the future. This is kind of hard since she's still friends with the people who she used to hook-up/dated with. I personally would just get out of this mess before it hits mayhem. But If you really think she's worth the shot, by all means brother.
I'm going to keep it simple... Past behavior is a very good indicator of future behavior... I have experienced 2 women who talked about their past and cheated on her ex and also have exs as friends etc... They ended up cheated on me with an ex...