Whats the best time to tell a date i'm trans?

Pretty simple question, i'm a transfemale, recently i've been getting dudes asking me out on dates and i go along and they dont have a clue im trans (they just see me as a cute girl). When should i tell them? I'm pre-op and was wondering when you would appreciate being told. I'm bi/pan so would be dating both males/females in my time. Should i tell before the first kiss? As soon as we meet? On the first date?
Also how would you like to be told? Just thought it'd be nice to see the general opinion on how to do it.

Updates:
Seems most people think asap. So would that be when they ask for my number? I was thinking that if i left it until we actually start the date that way he has at least gotten to know me slightly first.
Just an update. I had another person ask for my number today to go on a date. I told him he should know i was trans and he replied with "fuck off freak". So whilst its good to know it would never have worked it does seem to be rather depressing.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • I understand it's probably not easy for you to admit to but it's best to tell the truth early on. If that person doesn't wish to date a transwoman then it was never going to work out anyway. Even if they are open-minded about it they probably wouldn't appreciate you keeping it under wraps until you're well into a relationship. Honesty is the best policy here. I wish you well.

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What Guys Said 41

  • I'd say it straight away, mainly because people will either be fine with it or instantly put off... I don't know about you but if someone is interested in me i'd like it to stay that way.

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  • Tell them as soon as they ask you out and definitely before you kiss. Do it for your own safety too. Unfortunately, not everybody is accepting of trans people yet. A man like that who learns too late will feel ashamed of himself and "gay" for not having seen it earlier and he might let go of his frustration on you.

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  • Immediatley, don't wait for a date. Some people are not comfortable with that and they should know what they are getting into, a lie of omission is still a lie and that is a bad way to start a relationship. That will most likely ruin your chances rather then increase them, no one wants to feel like they where being used which is what it will feel like. So be open and honest about it, some will reject you for it which should be respected (can't expect some one to respect your choices if you do not respect theirs) some will be willing to pursue and they will know more about you because of it, namely that you are a person of character that they can trust and that IS the best way to start a relationship.

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  • Don't hesitate. It's wrong to hide that you're messed up in that way. It's cruel, even. If someone wants an original, rather than a changed cartridge, don't cheat them into thinking they're getting an original. If they want to hang around knowing what you're up to, that's one thing. Otherwise, they'll feel lied to and betrayed. Don't bring Jenner drama to your dates. Nobody should have to deal with that.

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    • "messed up"? I'm still a person, messed up implies that something is wrong with me

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    • @ObscuredBeyond its not wrong that she's a trans. If you wanna be a girl or guy by all means do what you have to do. Its a choice. If you want to stay a guy then stay a guy, dont start judging people who dont because they dont think like you, if your against it then just dont do it because it doesn't hurt anybody.

    • @ObecuredBeyond unless they intentially trick them into thinking theyre not trans. But thats the same as a guy lying to a girl to get her to sleep with them. Because there's guys who do that does that make all guys messed up and an obominations?

  • When heterosexual males intend to date a girl, they typically expect them to be female and to have female genitalia as on the longer term they expect to have penis-vagina sex, and they'd feel pretty cheated if that's not what they find. It's probably the best before the first date in some way.

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  • Sometime before you kiss, sometime after you the first date.

    Keep in mind, though you are entitled to do whatever to your body that you please, many people are heterosexual and pulling the "Thailand Surprise" after you start dating will likely get some feelings hurt and/or start a fight that may or may not turn physical.

    Relationships are built upon a foundation of trust and honesty, and if you cannot be honest about something as basic as your biological gender (regardless of what you are now), then nothing good will come from it. Lies tend to get extremely messy, which is why such a reveal after a certain point may involve a physical confrontation.

    Best to start off on a positive note and see how the guy takes it. After all, there are many other fish in the sea if a particular one isn't willing (or refuses to any longer) bite.

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  • Its probably for the better during mid to end of the first date. I know it seems very difficult but it's important to be honest.

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  • hmm... well I would say first date, towards the end though, but if you're not feeling it on the first date then try for the second date.

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  • Yep, right when they ask for your number.

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  • You should tell them the moment meeting up gets mentioned.

    Spare both your feelings early on, it's very easy to say you'll do it a couple dates in, but then you're that caught up you don't tell him, and before you know it you're 4 months deep, with real feelings and connections and then it's all very long winded.

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  • Yup, I'd say tell them as soon as possible. Yes, they might leave, but then again, they probably would anyway, and you don't have to waste your time on them.

    That being said, sometimes it's easier to beg for forgiveness than to ask for permission.. many guys might want to but don't dare to take the initiative. You might be lucky, or you might risk making him _very_ mad.

    If you're looking for a serious relationship, however, I would be very frank about being trans.

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  • I think fairly early on would be the decent thing to do. I would understand your hesitation because there's a lot of transphobia out there. I think it would be best to tell once someone is interested in dating you.

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  • Hopefully they will notice the adam's apple and you won't have to tell them. Otherwise, I'd say tell them before the end of the first date. Definitely before getting intimate with them (that means kissing too).

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    • I'm lucky in that i dont have an adams apple bump at all. My neck is perfectly smooth.

    • Oh, in that case, just tell him by the end of the first date then.

  • I think it's best to tell me right away form the start. Being lied to hurts, it always does.

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  • Me personally, I would kind of enjoy the surprise... But you'd have to be Really convincing for me to not figure it out pretty fast.

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  • since your looks seem to be missleading, i think it´s fair to inform the guy asap. when he asks for your number just be like: "yeah sure, i´m a dude though so if you don´t mind you can have it".

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  • You should tell them right away, but by the first date at the very latest. After becoming intimate and you're asking for trouble.

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  • Most guys are looking for sex so you better let them know in beginning

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  • As soon as you get in contact with the guys pls, oh man this reminds me of this

    https://youtu.be/h63NOI_XFrs

    No need to watch the vid if you don't know the episode, they cut out the part where he found out that blonde has a penis

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  • Immediately!! Like once you meet! You can get physically hurt it you wait too long...

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  • Right away I guess. I honestly wouldn't care when but I assume most people would want to know about it early.

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  • at the start like you wouldn't want to date who you think is a girl then find it she used to be a man if you're not interested in that shit; you'd feel lied to i guess

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  • Earlier the better I guess, some guys might feel cheated otherwise... telling them after first date might be a good idea so that they will get a chance to know you

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  • Tell him before you even go on a date. Just straight up.

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  • Tell them the second they show interest... that second and not a second later

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  • With guys I'd say first date, purely for safety. With girls just wing it

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  • It is the first thing you tell them. Are you serious?

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  • tell them the truth now they'll get mad later unless they already know

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  • Immediately after saying: Hi, my name is...

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What Girls Said 17

  • You should tell them as soon as they express interest in you. It wouldn't be fair to keep that from someone for any length of time as different people will have different ideas about it. Some may be totally okay with it and not care but for others, it may be a deal breaker.

    So, you kind of have to accept the fact that some people may not like it and they especially would not appreciate that you didn't tell them before going out. It's just best to make it known as soon as possible. At least that way, you can get it out in the open and then that person will know and can decide if they are still interested in you.

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  • The best time to tell the person is earlier. I would say most people would like to know the moment the person asks you out or you ask them out. That would save for a lot of heartache for both you and the other person, because we all can't really help who we're attracted to and some things take time and self-exploration to accept. Regardless, a relationship needs to start by building trust and being honest especially about important issues, so definitely bring it up early. Gender identity and sexual orientation is very personal and very important to most people. Good luck, I hope you find someone good for you.

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  • Before you go on the date. I think it is something you should be honest about right in the beginning.

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  • You should tell them the moment they ask you out.

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  • You should tell them as soon as you feel like the interaction is leading towards either a date, or sex.

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  • on first date for sure..

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  • I think rigth away. Based on questions on here, people get really mad if you tell them late into a relationship.

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  • I think that it would be best to say it early on to avoid heartbreak on both sides of he/she does not accept you for who you are. Being honest from the beginning shows them you are confident and proud to be you.

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  • I would want to know before actually going on the date.

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  • when you meet them, as you know not everyone want to date a trans even if they find you cute

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  • Be open about it if you have not had work down there or up there.

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  • Tell them right away.

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  • I think after your first date via text or call or before you engage in strong physical intimacy (like kissing or sex), whichever comes first. Its not something you should say upon meeting him because you want him to get to know you for more than just your gender identity.

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  • Tell them before. I don't support this but I also don't want you to be beaten into a pulp by someone who feels used. Men will fight over stuff like that so tell them as soon as they approach you in interest. Although I wonder how they can't tell lol no matter how womanly or manly a transgender is I can always tell just like when someone is gay and I mean i can tell when the most manliest man is gay (he doesn't even have to act like a pansy) It's just like some secret radar goes off in my brain and it's just like one of this things is not like the other lmao :)

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    • I was lucky in my transition. Most of the times when people start young they pass flawlessly and others can't tell.

    • ohh okay just make sure you say something I definitely don't want you to get beat up by an upset man even if I don't exactly agree with your life choices.

  • They may already know. At least females know we see details. Anyway, I'd tell right away , if you think he is heterosexual than he needs to know. Being heterosexual by definition is being attracted to the opposite sex. Everyone likes honesty and not being lead on. Plus for your own safety and their are laws in some states that protect men from transgender people. they can call rape. I think new jersey is one So is California and a few other states. so for your safety tell

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    • I'm in England.

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    • No offense, but you don't, i have one friend in that group who does know- and she says that behind my back they dont know at all.

    • Well listen I'm not trying to argue and your going off topic of your post.

  • Tell them as soon as you start dating
    You would not want him to lie to you about anything so why is it ok not to tell him? If you like him your relationship will be based on secrets if you don't say something

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  • Just straight up. Let them accept you for who you are... don't let it get past the first date

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