Keep it simple stupid. I got 1/4th the way through and fell asleep. You gotta grab attention. Erase all the chatter, and put down what you want. If girls know what you want, they can more easily give it to you.
So I don't know if you have changed it sine posting this question. But I think it's fine.
Pof and online dating is tough. I have met 4 people in person. 2 of them I just knew strait away there was no click. One I'm not sure but he felt there was no click. The fourth is a great guy and we have such a laugh but it just seems to be a hook up and radio silence in between.
Pof and such can be really disheartening. So I think if you go for it with less expectations that's the better thing. The amount of date offers where I have changed my mind or they have has been unreal. Would much rather meet someone for real, or should give and be given a faster chance of at least talking on the phone with someone.
Can't tell shit from a photo and a few words.
I would like to add, whilst it didn't work out. I met my ex through a specialised dating site which I paid for. We were together 2 and a half years.
I would also suggest meetup. com as a way to meet new people in a group setting, far less pressure and more natural than actually online dating crap!!!