Feelings For A Friend Who Likes Another Guy. Stay Friends, Tell Her or Move On?

Little backstory: I'm friends with a girl I like. We met through a school function in the beginning of the year. For the duration of that semester, we'd talk maybe once a week usually during when the club we were in met.

The beginning of this semester, we started talking more, I got her number and then we eventually started hanging out. We've gone to the bar a couple of times, gone bowling, etc. while still seeing each other during club meetings.

A few weeks ago, we both went on a trip with our church group for a weekend and this is pretty much when we really hit it off. We hung out everyday. We were in the same groups for meetings, ate together, and a few times I even thought she was flirting with me and I reciprocated and she didn't seem to be taken aback by it.

I eventually developed feelings for her even after I told myself I refused to get involved with another girl for a while after things went bad with the last girl I was involved with. I'm friends with quite a few women but she definitely sticks out and deep inside, I feel like she may be the one.

However, when we were sitting by the lake and talking, she told me that she liked another guy (I didn't tell her I liked her). A guy she was SURE she was going to end up with but hasn't really talked to much. She's told me that she's shy and isn't even sure if the guy would like her. I was of course a little heartbroken and surprised at this as I was fairly certain that she was into me as well.

Usually I would give up if a girl was into another guy but something in me is saying not to. I'm questioning whether I should let her do her thing and hope things work out between her and her "crush" or continue to be friends with her and hope that we may eventually get together. I woudl tell her how I feel but I'm afraid that I'll lose her as a friend. I just moved to where this college is and she's one really the only person I can be 100% honest and open with here

  • Say Nothing and Stay Friends
    28% (7)14% (4)21% (11)Vote
  • Tell Her and Hope For The Best
    60% (15)57% (16)58% (31)Vote
  • Break Off The Friendship
    12% (3)29% (8)21% (11)Vote
  • Other
    0% (0)0% (0)0% (0)Vote
And you are? I'm a GirlI'm a Guy
Updates:
Thanks for the answers so far y'all. The poll is giving an obvious answer as to what to do and the comments provide great insight. Here's my BIGGEST issue regarding all this:

We are both seriously involved and active in our church meetings that occur on a weekly basis. We have some people we tend to hang out with form that group (but usually not outside of the meetings/events).. I would hate for things to get awkward not only for us but for others.
Thank you all for the advice. Right now, I'm going to think about things, see how we get along these next couple of weeks and see if there's any development between her and this other guy. If things seem favorable for me, I will talk to her and let her know what I'm feeling. No matter what, she will find out. It's just a matter of when.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I read all of this but you can't stay in limbo forever. I think you must take the plunge and tell her at least something about how how feel and see what she says. Ya know, something occurred to me that I want to share with you... a guy I'm seeing tomorrow, I didn't like him until he asked me out and then it was on, lol, funny but true.

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    • Yeah, I've been in this situation before, different circumstances, and being in a limbo was definitely emotionally exhausting. Like I mentioned in my update, my issue is should she not feel the same about me after I tell her, how will this impact the group we're both involved in? This club is important to us (I am a leader of this club as well) so it's a tricky situation. If we weren't in the same club, I would've made a move by now, whether or not she had told me about the guy she was interested in.

      Interesting how things unfurl! Wish you the best of luck with this fella!

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    • Keep me posted :)

    • So, me and her hung out tonight. We went to our meeting and I went to an afterevent at her place (a place who she shares with three other girls from the same meeting). I left early to go to the bar to clear my mind. She sensed something was up and joined me a few minutes later, leaving a bunch of people at the afterevent. I was fixin' to tell her but she went on about this guy she liked. I realized how much she truly likes this guy and decided against telling her. I knew she was into this guy a lot and thought it wasn't worth. As much as I adore and want to be with her, I didn't want to jeopardize the friendship. I"m going to help her with this guy. In the meantime, I'm going to keep a distance between me and her but still maintain that friendship.

Most Helpful Guy

  • Ok dude. listen to me. and Trust me. I know a lot about this stuff and i been in a similar situation but i didn't let it drag with me like it did with everyone else.

    Look man, first of all i want you to realize that you will never be in a relationship unless you do the first move (MOST girls are shy and very few actually dare to go for the first move). That FRIEND of yours might have liked you at one point and even wondered whether you liked her back or not but since you were like a statue and didn't make your move she gave up and thought that you probably just consider her as a friend and nothing more. So now her feelings for you if she ever had some, are probably gone, they are gone because you didn't make your move. Now you have to deal with working on igniting her feelings back up.

    Lets assume she never felt anything towards you and always considered you as a friend (although i highly doubt that). Either way, you gotta tell her how u feel. If you don't, it will be something that will bother you FOREVER and haunt you and even HURT you.
    Look i once really liked this girl, and my problem was that i was really shy and have never asked a girl out before. But this girl i was going CRAAZY about her and always thinking about her and was counting the days until i meet. What made it harder is that we started out a realllly good relationship as friends (I always thought she liked me though) so i didn't wanna ruin it or make it harder. But it was rrealllly bothering me A LOTTTT and eating my mind. In the end, i decided that i will tell her no matter how hard or embarrassing it was. Because if i don't then first of all i would be a PUSSY, and 2nd of all i would regret it for the rest of my life and always wonder what would have happened if i asked heR MAYBE we would have got married... etc.. etc

    So i did it. I went to her, was nervous as shyt. and told her how i feel. It got awkward, i got rejected, and it was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. But i NEVER regretted it. Even though my heart was broken, i was REALLY happy deep inside that i actually did something about it and TRIED. It gave me a lot of confidence boost since i was a little satisfied of what i did and now i could move on with my life without looking back at her.

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    • Afterwards it got awkward for a couple days, but then i apologized to her afterwards and told her i don't wanna lose her friendship and told her to forget about what i said. We became good friends again. But i couldn't stay friends with her because i always loved her. you CANNOT be friends with someone you LOVE. you just simply can't. So i had to let her go (Right after i tried again and asked her out on a date lol).

      From that day on, though, your life will change. You will realize that you have to be more direct with girls and never WAIT. I really am much much much more confident now, cause i've asked many girls out and i've been rejected a lot :)

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    • @OlderAndWiser yep you are right, what they learn is also a big factor i can't believe i forgot about that. Let me correct that sentence: its all depends on what people go through in their lives and how they learn from it.

      I have a 50 year old grandma who doesn't even have 1 micropound of wiseness because she has been through almost nothing in her life. She is uneducated, never worked, spent most her life as a housewife. Now her kids are suffering from her injustice, selfishness, and unwiseness... etc.

      That is why i say age says nothing about people's wiseness or smartness, because it depends on how those people lived those ages.

    • Absolutely! Age does make anyone immune from being clueless.

What Girls Said 3

  • My boyfriend before we started dating said he liked me. I didn't like him back until 6 months later. We've been dating for just about 3 years now. Tell her she probably will friend zone you if you don't make yourself seem like a possibility

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  • hi! I've been in a similar situation. My best friend (who is a guy) told me that he had feelings for me after I told him about the guy that I liked. I told him that I considered him my best friend, but nothing more. We are still pretty inseparable today. Obviously you'll be want that situation to turn out differently, but to rest your feelings about how things could turn out after confessing, just know that it can go back to normal! If she considers you to be good friends, she won't want to lose you.

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  • I've had one of my guy friends tell me that he likes me when I clearly told him about another guy that I had liked at the time. I felt bad because I didn't feel the same way about him and I told him I just wanted to stay friends... but that didn't work out so well. It kinda ruined our friendship. now IF you do decide to tell her, be prepared for best or possibly the worst. It may destroy your friendship, unless you are positive that it won't be destroyed. I mean if you want to take the risk and tell her do it. Just view your options and possibilities before you decide. Are you willing to risk the friendship for love?

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    • Your situation is the one I'm afraid will happen which is why I'm avoiding it right now. I've seen it happen and I don't think it's something I could handle. I know if I told her I liked her, chances are we will never be same and I really wouldn't blame her. Even though I've known her for the entire year and have gotten close, I think I need to wait until I'm sure but I just want to wait too long should she have feelings for me too but isn't being vocal or as "showy" about it. At this time, I'm not ready to risk frienship for love especially being in a relatively new city a thousand miles away from home.

    • but I just DON'T want to wait too long...**
      friendship**

      Sorry. The lack of sleep is catching up to me haha.

What Guys Said 10

  • You should tell her how you feel and make the move for her now. If that doesn't work, you remain friends, and then she breaks up with this other guy, you'll make a move again and you'll hear this really lame line about "I don't want to take a chance on ruining our friendship." When you hear that, you will want to destroy something and you friendship will be over. So, if it doesn't work now, tell her that you can't be just friends with her and you hope you can try again later. That's the best advice you'll get.

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  • I voted B.

    Staying "just friends" will only hurt you more, so why not take the chance? Go after what you want.

    And even if it goes badly, then that's okay. You'll be okay. Going through something like this, even knowing that it likely won't go your way, can be kind of cathartic.

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  • Nothing ventured, nothing gained. It's a shitty spot to be in, I know. Didn't work out for me and I lost the friendship, but I wouldn't change telling her. I got closure to some degree and got rid of"what if" thoughts by telling her.

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  • I saw your update. Don't wait a few weeks to see how things play out. I've done that and I regretted it.

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    • I don't think it'll be weeks. I just saw her and had a good vibe from her. We'll see each other tomorrow for the weekly church meeting and then she even asked if we could hang out on Saturday so maybe that day, something will happen. I just need to find the right time to make the move.

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    • Just pull her aside tommorrow before you part ways, tell her you have something you want to tell/ask her in private.

    • Will make an effort but no guarantees. Thanks brother.

  • OK, I've been in a similar situation. I can't tell you things will be the same for you, but I didn't tell her until it was too late. She was dating somebody by that point, and she's still with him. You never really get over an unrequited crush if you miss the train, you just learn to live with something you don't think you'll ever be able to have. But waking up and telling yourself you weren't good enough for her anyway to try and make it all go away, watching her make out with another guy in the back of your car, or have epic hugs in front of everyone, especially you, it hurts, it hurts a lot, and you beat yourself up over it, and you never get over it.

    On one hand, yeah, it is just High School, but on the other hand, this is your world here and now, and it's every bit as real as adulthood, and the pain can be just as bad and the good just as long lived. It's up to you at the end of the day, but, knowing what I know now, I'd go for it.

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    • I've been in a similar situation before and yes, it does suck being the one on the outside looking in. Longing to be with that person but someone else is doing what you want to with her. If it wasn't for the fact that she likes another guy and that we are involved with the same club, I'd make a move soon before it may be too late.

  • Even if she does agree to go out with you, you will never be happy in a relationship KNOWING that she likes another guy. Those feelings of hers aren't gonna just go away if she starts dating you.

    I say there is no future between you two, and you should break off the friendship as soon as possible, so you torture yourself no further, and give yourself a chance to get over her.

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  • Tell her your feelings and take it from there. If get rejected, cut all contacts and move on. Seeing pictures of her with the guy on FB just gonna make you feel depressed.

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  • You're a faggot OP. Put the moves on her before she actually falls for this other guy. Believe me, I know.

    You're a dipshit. It's obviously a shit test. Why would she tell you?

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    • Hey, thanks for your frank opinion (and calling me a bundle of sticks). Have a good one brother. :)

  • I would break off the friendship and move on.

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  • Does she have a boyfriend or dating someone?

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    • Neither but she is pining after someone.

    • Then go for it. If she isn't tired down then now is the only time you can.

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