Throwing caution to the wind vs. Being yourself when you like someone: Never a win-win with men?

I've had that recently. Things will be going well. They'll get my number and regularly contact me for a few days, I get busy and don't respond for a day, and then BOOM. It's like they forget who I am just because my job makes me a busy person, which I will apologize and explain upon my response. It's like I'm dropped for not responding on the dot.

One even went a little crazy on me and asked why I had stopped texting him and called me confrontational and dramatic when I responded to his saying "I just throw caution to the wind when talking to someone I dig" by saying I learned a long time ago that you shouldn't change who you are or (do things like miss valuable sleep during a hectic work week) just to talk to someone you like because you'll wind up regretting it down the road. It's much better to be yourself and not change your schedule.

In my experience, men drop me and treat me like shit if I am accomodating and throw caution to the wind because they don't see me as valuable, and when I don't just drop things to accomodate them, I am seen as untrusting, confrontational, and dramatic.

Is there a damn win-win, ever?


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What Guys Said 1

  • Really, it kind of sounds a little dramatic to me, like you were trying to make a statement to that guy and not just have a conversation.

    I don't really wanna date a gal that I have to touch base with every day, I need someone that is going to kind of fold into my life fairly easily so I don't expect constant contact and a few days of not talking seems reasonable to me but some people won't feel the same way.

    The guy basically gave you a compliment and put himself out there and you responded by trying to give an example of a life lesson that you learned. It may be right, but not the most well thought out response if you were actually interested in him. I would have taken it as a statement of your disinterest and been happy to move along. A simple apology, followed by sometimes I get busy at work and can't always immediately respond would have been a better response and then move the conversation along. Then you are setting expectations on how you want to communicate without the confrontation.

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    • I was trying to have a conversation. I'm an INTJ, we can debate in casual conversation and do it all the time. We talk about deep stuff. I honestly don't like small talk that doesn't have meaning. I was being 100% honest. I mean, I hadn't even really got to know the guy... we had only text one time before that... that's why I was frank. He was acting a bit needy and already questioning my behaviors just because I didn't answer him due to my busy schedule.

      I guess I felt a little attacked myself. The fact that he made it a big deal, just signaled something for me.

      Either way, it wasn't meant to be and after he said that, I told him that it was obvious that maybe we just weren't compatible and wished him a great night.

    • So if you feel comfortable with the outcome of the conversation, then all it means is that you just haven't found the right guy yet.

      I am intj as well, but sometimes you have to disarm the other person before you can be really frank and open with people, what is casual to you and I may mean something different to someone else. There are social conventions around how to get through that outer layer before you really open the cannons. Honestly though, you sound too independent for that guy so don't let it get to you.

What Girls Said 1

  • Being yourself and not responding to texts are two very different things. If you're going to be busy just tell them about that before you stop responding. For example "Hey, I love talking to you but I'm about to head off to work now and might not have time to text you anymore today". It's not very hard to do actually.

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    • He knew I was busy. I just sorta stopped responding because I passed out when I got home (I had worked 14 hours that day). Telling someone that isn't the first thing on my mind when I could barely keep my eyes open on the way home. Anyways, I just don't think it warrants someone to just stop talking to me, especially when I apologize when I text them the next day and tell them I passed out. It seems a bit juvenile to treat me differently.

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