Guys, Is it intimidating dating a woman that knows exactly what she wants career/future wise?

I am a semester away from becoming an RN and I have some pretty promising job openings and gosls/plans set up.

The thing is, I'm dating a man that really doesn't know what he wants to do. He's only been navy for 4 years and wants to get out and then figure out what he wants to do (he's living in a fantasy of laying pro sports). I think this is a dumb move, the navy has excellent retirement/benefits.

Lately he's been pulling away and avoiding conversations about the future whenever it comes up. I don't want to be wasting time beating around the bush and then this relationship crumble in a few months/yrs.

Any ideas of how to approach this issue/talk about it? Or am I just overreacting?


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9

Most Helpful Guy

  • There is nothing intimidating about ambition in and of itself. Let's make that clear right off the bat.

    Let me tell you something about being intimidated by powerful or ambitious women, because it is a really deep gendered insecurity that is misunderstood and misinterpreted as the idea that a "woman should stay in her place."

    When guys are intimidated by strong women, it is almost entirely based around male expectations. People see a man who makes less than a woman as a tumor or parasite of sorts. When we look at a woman who has married a man who earns more, we see it as "balanced". That is, we see women as the desirable one, the "non-evil" one, the "one who can give birth", the "graceful one", while we look at a man and see an ugly body, potental evil, and so the least he can do is make money for her and be the first to die.

    GoodMenProject did a good article about this. As they put it, "Men must be needed because we can't be wanted". The idea being that we don't see ourselves as having any kind of intrinsic value, that we can't just be "wanted" by someone. Instead, we feel we have to offer something she needs - be it money, protection, or status. Otherwise, we feel we are simply a thorn in her side, that she might as well leave because we don't offer anything tangible.

    goodmenproject.com/.../

    And it's thrown into a surprising number of day-to-day experiences, especially dating. The traditional dating is basically about rubbing our faces in the idea that men are the "unattractive" gender and must make up for it by other means. Everything points to the idea that a woman *is* attractive, and a man must come up with ways to prove he is worthy. I think that is why we see traditional dating going by the wayside.

    Another good read would be "Self-Made man" by Norah Vincent, where the disguised herself as a man and experienced day-to-day life as a man. She was completely frustrated with the expectations that were thrown on her the moment she tried dating as a man instead of a woman.

    I know I went my own direction, there. But I figure if you can get an idea of what goes on in many guys' heads, you can better understand that it isn't about you being "too ambitious", and more about us feeling we couldn't live to your standards. This is easily bypassed by simply being receptive and open.

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What Guys Said 8

  • Its not intimidating... but we do get a little concerned as to how we will fit in or how you can fit us in. and in many of these cases, the woman is more concerned with that which leads to... well... you know what. we are not against strong determined women, but like girls, we do want attention too.

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  • He might be feeling insecure about himself while you're talking about your plans, yeah. It's unfortunate, because he really doesn't need to feel that way. Really, he should be happy for you, and he should also probably cut himself a little slack. I mean, there's not a single person on this planet that has it ALL figured out ALL the time, and there's no shame in that.

    If I were you, I would tackle the issue head on. Start off by telling him that you've been thinking about your own future, and it made you curious what he was feeling about his.

    Obviously, the odds of him successfully going into pro sports are infinitesimally slim, but at the same time, he doesn't HAVE to continue in the Navy if it makes him unhappy. I mean, it's not an either/or proposition, ya know? Encourage him to share some of his other dreams and passions, and see if he talks about wanting to pursue other careers.

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  • No, that's fucking sexy. But I think in his case, he may feel like he's not living up to your expectations for him, therefore feels sad and tries to avoid the topic in order for you to not think about that.
    He's a Navy guy, he's taught discipline and all that kind of conservative stuff, so I'm pretty sure he believes a man must be the breadwinner, or at least provide as much as his girl.
    I may be wrong about this, but that's how guys in the military generally think.

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  • Not at all! I think that's sexy as hell. It makes me want to be worthy enough to walk beside her in the future together. I like to rise to the challenge :)

    That sounds like a difficult situation though.. It seems like you both have different priorities in life.

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  • He'd need to be in the Navy for 20 years to get those full benefits. Maybe he's tired of all the seamen. I'm dating a girl and she's trying to figure out what she wants to do too, but she has a plan. Overall, I like her, she's a nice person, sweet, and enjoy her company. I told her if I can do anything to help, I'd be too happy to do it, and I'll be there for her.

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  • Somewhat - especially if the guy is young - but I wouldn't worry about it. The best relationships are ones in which you get to be yourself and if that's who you are, be with a guy who is not threatened by that.

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  • I'm going to be VERY blunt and My disclaimer isthat i DO NOT I repeat DO NOTT want to offend any female here, okay good!

    The only reason guys don't like a girl is her looks. Doesn't matter if she's a lawyer, judge president of 6 countries and Kleopatra all in one a girl will NEVER intimidate a guy for her career.

    The only thing a guy makes his final desition on a girl is "does she look good enough?"

    if the answer is "sure" then he will try to date her no matter if she works at mcdonald's or owns 4 proshes.

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  • No. No for the thousandth time.

    The problem is that most "ambitious" women have a chip on their shoulder towards men and develop awful personalities as a result. We just don't like dating cunts that hate us -- reasonable, no?

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