Why do I friend zone a lot of women?

So I'll be chatting with a woman and we're having a good time and I'm starting to see myself spending more intimate time with her in the future then out of nowhere I'll start getting more casual and friend zone the shit out of them. She can be really cute and desirable to me but I'll start using friendly terms like buddy and friend with her in an almost too forward way lol..

Part of me thinks it's because I realize that the front I put on to reel in women isn't the real me. I act in such a way that I know is desirable to most women instead of being who I am which is very successful most times I should add. Part of me is afraid to let a woman get to know the real me because I know I'm not exactly a traditional guy with typical masculine traits. I know that eventually a woman will see that and she will most likely not see me as a romantic/sexual interest after that. After a while they will notice that I'm more of a passive and laid back guy who prefers that a woman makes decisions most of the time. I suppose that I have this ideal image of what a woman likes in my head and pretend to emulate that and I get exhausted putting on that facade. I guess my friend zoning might be self fulfilling prophecy. Then again I know this is unreasonable because all women are different. Some may prefer a laid back guy that doesn't prefer to take charge and fight their battles for them. I'm just operating in stereotypes..

What do you guys think? I ask this because I'm trying to get over my neurotic perfectionism and I'm trying to be me for the first time. The only problem is the facade is generally more desirable than being who I am. It feels counterproductive even though I know a woman will figure it out eventually. Being me will have far less success but I'll have a chance of finding someone who likes me for me.

Please give me some advice.


1|2
15|7

Most Helpful Girl

  • Are you actually positive the facade is more desirable? If it is, then you're going after the wrong women. You need to go after the women who will find the true you the most desirable you.

    2|2
    0|0

Most Helpful Guy

  • Well, you obviously know why. You explained the why to us. What you're looking for is not a reason why you're doing it, I'm guessing what you're looking for is a solution to your problem.

    Ok as I see it, there are three solutions:
    1) Stay with the facade. Get the women interested like you usually do, but then when you feel it could get intimate and you're about to say "buddy" or some shit. Catch yourself in the act and stop it!
    Or if you've already said it and you're like awww shit. Then say something flirty or with sexual innuendo, you might feel inner resistance to doing it. But push through that. It'll make sure you're keeping it open to intimacy.
    Practise being honest about your feelings. Nothing wrong with "you know, I really like you..." And then if interest is reciprocated, you can be more yourself as the person gets used to you more.

    2) Stay with the facade initially, then practise opening up bit by bit until you're honestly you with them. If they still accept and like you for who you really are then be honest about your feelings. Happy ending.

    3) Try to be you, completely and honestly from the beginning. Take reassurance that although less people may seem interested, the ones who do truly like you for you.

    See the thing is you're using a universally appealing facade. And you're finding a lot of general initial success. But you just have to realise that if you're fully you, you'll have less success because you're a very specific and unique person, and you'll only be a fit for a small percentage of girls. And that goes for every other dude out there.
    So if you do get success by being you, truly, then it'll generally be much deeper than what you've had so far.

    Last but not least don't really sweat the whole facade thing. Most people have a mask for others. I have one, quite frankly if I was quirky random me with very new person I meet and in every situation, I would be displaying very low social intelligence. There are times where it's appropriate and times where it's not. I'd act in ways that are just odd, weird and inappropriate in certain settings. Having a mask just shows that you're aware of social etiquette and how you should and shouldn't act. That's not a bad thing. The problem is when you can't be you around people you're intimate with or close to, in the private sphere. Or if you can't open up to people you're getting to know.

    1|4
    0|0
    • Try dropping the mask until you succeed. Then you'll really know there's actually nothing to worry about and people can like you for you.

    • Thanks man this will be very helpful.

    • More than welcome, I hope so!
      I forgot to add something:
      It's all much easier said than done, everything I wrote. Depending on how used you are to your mask and your history with people accepting you for who you are, you might encounter phenomenal inner resistance to what you're trying to do.
      To overcome that resistance try everything and anything at your disposal. Try reframing it as an experiment "ok I'll just try this a few times and see how girls respond to it", as a game "let's see how many girls I can keep interested by doing x, y, z..."
      Or practise pushing through with sheer willpower (takes practise, if your willpower isn't super strong you need to will yourself to do small things you don't like or you're uncomfy with everyday until you can start willing yourself to do bigger things).

      You gotta power through a whole life's worth of conditionning. It's insanely hard. It can be done though, takes a bit of time but it's totally doable. Really wish you the best of luck!

What Girls Said 14

  • You should never put on a facade to lure women in, this is the mistake that a lot of people make. I've written about this before, the concept of bettering yourself; the point is that you make changes that YOU want to make to benefit your life, the point isn't to change who you are entirely.

    You're likely friendzoning these women because you know full well that they don't know the real you. I've been there: you're scared that once you do get together, the walls will have to come down, and they may not like what they see. That's scary, so you push away.

    You need to discover who you are and identify whether or not there are things you want to change and try to figure out who you're really changing for. Just hang in there, you'll figure it out.

    0|1
    0|0
  • 1. I would really take sometime to figure out how to be comfortable in your skin. I realize it is easier said than done but that is your main problem here. Which you have realized so thats good.

    2. Honestly I am always buddy with guys I get intimate with, I am always worried that they will be confused and think I am sending them mixed signals. Finally though I just realized that someday I would meet a guy who acted the same as me in relationships and we wouldn't have the confusion and be comfortable with each other.

    You will always have to do a little bit of adjusting when in a relationship but if its meant to be then it won't be hard. I'v personally gotten to this point where if it doesn't work out with a guy because he has something against who I am as a person than I just figure that thats fine because I don't have to waste any time on them. If you really want to be in a relationship then its harder to figure this out but I enjoy being single and I figure the right guy will show up at some time and thats that.

    What I am trying to say is that you need to work on being more comfortable in your own skin. Also don't worry to much about how you act with girls, just be yourself and you will find the right match. Probably not what you were looking for but its really all you need to figure out.

    Good Luck!

    0|1
    0|0
  • Hmm I definitely wouldn't want my boyfriend to fight my battles for me. I have a brain and will power, so I can fight my own battles.

    And as you already know, 100% of the women you meet are not looking for a traditional masculine guy.

    So, maybe you should better come to terms with your personality and how you think others will treat you. I mean, honestly, you aren't hurting anyone, the women, that bad by being friends with them. If you're hurt a lot by it, ex) lonely, then work on it.

    And if you want a dominant women, then do what you're doing now, and wait out until you find a woman you mesh with. No point in bonding with a woman you aren't all that into.

    0|1
    0|0
  • " I know that eventually a woman will see that and she will most likely not see me as a romantic/sexual interest after that." where exactly did you learn that? did you hang around those bullshit sites about PUA/PUA-lite/david d'angelo, etc? they're based o nthe most horseshit, made up stuff you can think of. not being completely masculine isn't going to eliminate you in a girls eyes as a romantic/sexual interest.

    it really sounds like your actual problem is different to just the one you think it is, to be honest - it sounds like there's some deeper concern that's kind of like the foundation this and a bunch of other ones are built on

    0|1
    0|0
  • I thought it happens because it's a fear you may have. Spending too much time with them that emotions start to develop (you feel vulnerable at this point) that you have invested a lot of time and effort into it already. You've come to realise that you put a halt to it all because you don't want to gamble on your feelings and rather occupy yourself with leisure activities.

    0|1
    0|0
  • Get that image that you have out of your head! Being yourself will always trump anything you can make up. And the thing with putting on a front is that you have to work to keep it up. And it can be triggered after awhile. By not being yourself you could be missing out on a whole array of women.

    0|1
    0|0
    • This is true. Thanks for sharing. I think it's just built up in my head that women like a certain time of guy with masculine traits and I realize thats not me.

    • Show All
    • I meant personality wise lol

    • Lol I knowwww!

  • Why not start with getting to know the girl, telling her exactly who you are as you did with us. Women work so much better with knowledge versus finding out that you present yourself to be isn't who you are.

    1|1
    0|0
    • I guess because I have a feeling once they know the real me they won't be as interested. I know it's the modern world but women do have some expectations for men and they usually aren't traits I have lol

  • Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter-- Dr Suess
    This is why you always need to be you because at the end of the day you want someone who will love you for just who you are.
    Put yourself out there and let yourself be free and vulnerable. I said it before but I say it again you really underestimate yourself and you don't give yourself enough credit with the person you are.

    0|1
    0|0
  • When you figure it out lemme know, because I find myself doing the same. I find it tends to accelerate when I notice the guy is showing signs he legitimately is into me as well.

    0|1
    0|0
    • Yeah this shit suuuuuuuuucks lol
      I wish that I could just be me and not be afraid of what the future holds lol

  • Being more passive as the male in the relationship is what many women find desirable in a partner, believe it or not. I don't see what's wrong with showing that right from the beginning.

    0|1
    0|0
    • Really? That's interesting..

    • I see it quite often. It isn't that way in my relationship, but it is that way in many of the couples we socialize with. I would say about half of the couples we socialize with have the female as the dominant partner, while the male "goes along".

  • you need to be the real you. (it may sound cheesy) but honestly if your always pretending tou won't be happy. How do you really know what every girl in this world likes? No you dont. You need to be yourself if a girl likes then she will like you. if she doesn't then she is not the one for you.

    0|1
    0|1
    • I know I always tell myself to be myself but I just feel like it's a greater minority of women who would like me for that then my usual facade.

  • It's because you're smarter than them all, and you secretly know what to expect from them relationship wise

    0|1
    0|0
  • i think you're just falling into a pattern.
    i do that out of nervousness.

    0|1
    0|0
  • You may be coming off as the typical sweet guy (reserved). Therefore attracting sweet girls (so to speak), these sweet girls are reserved... which is not what you want.

    0|2
    0|0
    • Wow I never really thought about that. How should I change up my tactic then? haha

What Guys Said 6

  • You said it yourself, you want a woman a little more on the dominant side, but still has all the qualities you find attractive in a woman.

    1|1
    0|0
    • Yeah but how will I be more comfortable pushing forward with what I know is a less successful tactic?

  • Putting on a facade is great short term (create attraction and get laid) but it's not something worth doing if you want anything longer then that, as eventually she'll get to know you and find you less ideal then before (unless you literally wanna keep up the act 100% of the time she's around)

    Believe it or not, pushing the right buttons is more important than personality. That's why people with disguesting shitty personality also get girls.

    Point being your personality isn't gonna hold you back, so a facade is essentially a waste of time

    0|1
    0|0
    • Don't get me wrong, obviously personality matters, but at a much later state.

  • "The only problem is the facade is generally more desirable than being who I am."

    You really need to challenge this belief.

    I don't know you, but I can tell you that a facade is going to be far less interesting than your unique individuality.

    0|1
    0|0
  • This is why I stopped pretending to be someone else and just be myself and it still works for me. Be yourself, works out better in the end... unless your an Axe Wielding Psycho then...

    0|1
    0|0
  • Dude I think I know what you mean and I haven't been on a date maybe I just don't know my self that well

    0|1
    0|0
  • i agree with you entirely. i hate putting a mask on. women love my mask, not the real me.

    0|1
    0|0
    • Yeah the mask sucks! haha
      Being vulnerable and open with who I am is far less successful most of the time lol

Loading...