Paying for the wedding, how do men feel about contributing?

Alright, Calling all guys! ...my fiance and I have been engaged for two years. I've been looking into all the details of planning the wedding and discussing costs with my guy. Whenever this occurs he pretty much tunes me out or so it seems. His parents have passed away and mine have agreed to help, but whenever I bring up how we're gonna pay for this or that he avoids it like the effin plague! Am I supposed to just assume all the costs are on me or is this his way of avoiding actually getting married? I'm getting pretty p*ssed and seriously if this is how its gonna be, he can take the ring and shove it where the sun doesn't shine.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • I don't know where this stupid custom started but traditionally the father of the bride is supposed to cover the cost of the wedding and pay for everything. It seems like a stupid tradition to me because I don't know many men who can afford to swing the entire cost of a wedding by themselves. Pretty sure it isn't done that way much anymore, but I know its the traditional way.

    My guess is that he doesn't want an extravagant wedding, he doesn't care about the wedding ceremony itself. A lot of guys are like that. The wedding is for the bride and often, the groom doesn't want any part of the stress associated with it. That's why the bride will search for months to find that perfect wedding dress and pay thousands for it, while the groom will just rent a tux.

    We don't CARE about the wedding itself. We don't give a rat's ass about it. We do it to humor you. Most of us would just as fine get married by a local municipal judge. The ceremony itself is totally meaningless to us. It's all about YOU.

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    • So that justifies ignoring the situation?

    • Maybe ignoring it is his way of telling you he doesn't care enough to be a part of the planning process. If it were me I'd come right out and say it and be like "honey, ill let you plan the wedding if you let me take care of the honeymoon." but I'm guessing he's not straightforward like that.

    • My god, I wish he would just be straightforward. His normal response is a scoff and a shrug. It leaves me sitting there wanting to tear my hair out!! So should I just go ahead with the planning and assume he will cough up some of the money? Or do I just pay it all myself?

What Guys Said 7

  • Weddings are expensive and unless your loaded its not a problem. As a guy you want to get married but you don't want to spend every dollar youve saved to pay for it. Its one day and guys aren't as sentimental to having a big wedding like girls seem to be. They rather have the money for something else like a car or a house something for the future of the marriage instead of the start of it. Plus we don't really care about the details guys would mostly rather do whatevers cheapest but don't because they do what the girl wants its her show so she can have it how she wants. Him avoiding it is the best way in his mind instead of telling you he doesn't want to waste the money on monogramed napkins.

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    • Haha, I understand that and we've discussed a small service etc. It's just when it comes down to actually booking things he clams up hardcore. It's just frustrating, I would like his input. If he feels its too costly for something all he has to do is say so. I'm willing to compromise. I just want a little help monetarily. I'm not expected him to foot the whole bill. that's ludicrous! Half would be nice though, although at this point I'm willing to negotiate.

    • Hes not gonna come out and say that but he's not willing to pay for anything? Its sounds pretty immature and passive aggressive. Money is the biggest problem and maybe you 2 differ on your finacial abilities but your not gonna end up being 1 of those couples with seperate accounts are you? You need to just calmly and civily get the deatils of where the moneys coming from before anything else,if you 2 can't solve this problem than good luck in your married life.

  • The way it's always been done in my family (which I think is more the norm now in Australia), is all the parents chip in a certain amount (say $2000) and anything left over the couple being married pays themselves. For instance both my brother's paid for their weddings (with their wives, of course).

    The tradition of "father of the bride pays" is, in my opinion, outdated, morally wrong, and moreso, I haven't seen it done in years.

    ===============

    In your specific case, it's your wedding and the money doesn't fall out of the sky. Look at what you realistically can afford, both with your combined money as a couple, and any money your parents can give. If your wedding plans are more expensive, either cut back, or wait until you can afford it.

    The absolute last thing you should do is start of a marriage with a financial argument or bad loan.

    Weddings don't have to be expensive. Do you really need to invite 3rd cousin Jerry? Or that friend from high school you send Christmas cards to and that's it? If you're on a budget, keep it simple. Have a midweek wedding during the afternoon on a beach or river. Keep the guest count low. Prioritize your wedding into things you MUST have (for instance, custom wedding dress), and things you can cut back on (flowers? Fancy invitations. Car hire.).

    One other tip. Avoid the word "wedding" when ordering or booking anything. You say wedding and prices go up 4 fold.

    ===============

    About the "shrugging" thing, this is rather common in males around weddings. It's a "safety" response. It tends to go like this:

    Girl: I've been planning this wedding since I was 3. I want everything the way *I WANT IT*.

    Guy: I don't give a stuff about weddings.

    Girl: I'm going to ask him a question so he's part of this, since it's his wedding too. But he better answer the way I WANT HIM TO!

    Guy: Oh look out she's asking me something! If I say the wrong thing she'll just argue that's not how she wants it. I know I'll give a generic not binding whatever answer.

    Girl: "Honey, red flowers or orange"

    Guy: "Meh, whatever."

    ===============

    Not all guys or girls are like this. Some guys are active in planning it. Some girls don't give a rats. My girlfriend doesn't give a stuff how, or even if, we get married. Where as I'd like to simply because I like the 'party' of a wedding. That said, this argument style I've seen so many times over the years I feel confident saying it's a good "normal" style.

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    • Bersaba : Ha, ha. ha... ++ -My sister, & husband :), got married JUST so she could, as she put it-

      Get everyone in one place for a HUGE party! ^^

      It was awesome too.... Good Luck!

  • split it, he should take on a lot more expenses for you(IMO) later on, id personally say split it - you're most likely gonna make all teh decisions, just make sure the few that he would like get taken care of and he will be greatful - hell probably let you do everythign for it but like I said split it half way and make sure his needs are met or that you at least tried.

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  • So, first off, congratulations on the engagement.

    Some people will assume that the tradition that the bride's family will pay still continues. As others have said, most guys don't want a costly wedding. We'd rather do it quite simply to have more people there, or to have a better time after the wedding, but we know that very few women want that, or want to explain to their friends and families why they are having a simple wedding, and it will be huge source of conflict to suggest it, especially if the bride is the sort of woman who does not sugar-coat things. The only thing that brides seem to want to hear from their grooms is: "Is this exactly the way you want it?".

    So he's avoiding it for good reasons. All he wants to do is marry you, celebrate it with all your loved ones, and spend the rest of his life with you. And he's a bit annoyed that this is not enough. He won't understand why you want to spend more money than you can afford, but he knows he can't say anything on the topic.

    If you want your groom to contribute, then you can't expect it - you have to give him some choices. Say 'My family can't afford the carry all the costs of the kind wedding I've been thinking about. So here are a few choices. There's wedding A, which I can afford by myself. And here's wedding B, which we could afford if we worked together. Now since both of us are getting married, I wonder if you could share with me covering the costs that my parent's can't meet? And which of these two weddings do you prefer?'

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  • Money disagreements are the #1 cause of divorce in the US. What you are describing is a big ALARM that you two are headed for trouble. I totally recommend either the Financial Peace University or the Crown Financial classes held all over for couples to get on the same page with their finances. Some premarital counseling now could save you a world of hurt later.

    As for the wedding, before you plan and talk details, you should set your budget first, based on how much everyone is contributing. If he says zero, then you know what you have to work with.

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  • It is Important that couples have a clear agreeement on finances and who pays for what. I beleive that fianacial issues are the 2nd most sited reason for divorce. As I guy, I would be willing to pay for a portion of the wedding, but would what some say in things and I would run away from any woman that I thought was going overboard with expenses. I general, I think women spend way too much time money and energy on the wedding and when it's over you're left with lots of bill. Couples should focus more on the honeymoon and their life together.

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  • dont do that sh*t

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What Girls Said 7

  • This whole "guys don't care as much about the wedding as women do" thing is ridiculous. There are plenty of guys who care about their wedding. When friends of mine got married, the groom was a part of everything. My best friend, Jenn, even had her fiance tell her what he'd always dreamed his wife's wedding dress would look like before she began shopping for a gown. He wanted to look at everything she picked out. I've seen guys madly in love with their future wives and over the moon about their weddings. Sure, there are some who fit the stereotype and couldn't care less about the colour of the napkins and flowers, but not all, or even most men are like this.

    If a guy does fit into the latter category, I think if he'd still be open to discussions about it if he really loved you at least because he knows the whole thing means something to you.

    If a guy acts like he doesn't give a "rat's ass" about his wedding, I'd assume the following: he doesn't really want to get married, he's irresponsible and doesn't get things done, he doesn't realize how much of a commitment he's making (after all, married life will be filled with years of conversations regarding finance).

    Tell him straight up that if he doesn't talk about this with you it will be impossible to plan your wedding. Don't just assume he's "traditional" and cover it all yourself. Ask him if he wants you to cover it and if he says yes, find out exactly why he feels this way. If you're ok with the reason and really want to, then pay for it.

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  • Just some advice from someone that has been there. Be as thrifty as possible. You can have a beautiful wedding without spending $10,000. Also... if you're as bitchy with him as you come across on here I can honestly see why he wouldn't want to contribute. While I'll admit wedding planning can be frustrating it's really not justifiable for you to talk of your s/o like this. I can tell you now that a wedding isn't for men. It's for the women to indulge. Men would be just fine going to a justice of the peace, signing papers, and going home. The wedding is for the female and the families to come together (pun intended).

    My advice - Calm down. Go Slow. Be thrifty. Talk things through. Then come to a decision together.

    It is his wedding too and he should have just as much say in it as you. He probably doesn't want to deal with it as much as you because (even here) you seem to be making a huge deal out of it and the costs of it. Stop stressing!

    Best of Luck and God Bless

    Bnwsmile

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    • Oh and I'm sure he doesn't mind contributing he's probably just stressed about it and doesn't want to spend a fortune =) Congratulations on your engagement all the same (however late I may be, lol).

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    • Thats a fabulous idea! I only bring up the subject every so often to avoid conflict. Maybe his logical mind needs the figures in black and white so he can wrap his mind around the actual cost not the hearsay he gets from his co-workers about it costing 20k+

    • I wanted to add that it would also help to get specifics on what your folks are willing to contribute so you can begin the planning process. I also advise aiming under your budget just to have extra money in case something comes up. If you're like me it usually does! lol Good luck =)

  • Honestly, I would be terrified to marry a guy who acts like this. If he can't even talk to you about very basic wedding costs, then how can you expect him to deal with really serious life and financial issues that come up in an actual marriage?

    A guy you are considering marrying is tuning you out? As far as I'm concerned, he can shove the ring.

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  • i think its pretty common for men to not be interested in the planning of the wedding. I also think in a perfect world he would pay half and you would pay half but that would mean he has as much say in how, when and where you get married as you do. if he wants to get married at a sports bar during the playoffs (which he only would if he HAD to get married that day) then that's going to create some problems. you probably don't want as much of a contribution as you think you do since it would mean not having the wedding YOU want. it would mean having the wedding YOU and HE want. you'll get thru this. think of it as your first big obstacle as a couple =)

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    • In a perfect world? More like in a sensible world. I think it's plain stupid to pay for a wedding all by yourself. Marriage is about team work, compromise, negotiation. People believe stupid stereotypes/generalizations (example: men don't care about weddings) and make stupid decisions. That's why the divorce rate is so high.

      Also, now allowing a man to contribute financially just so you can have the wedding you want, is just selfish and manipulative. It's his day too.

    • Yes its his day too. that's why if were going to throw out the tradition of the girls family paying for the wedding, we need to throw out a lot of other traditions that men don't care for.

  • For me and my husband it was a mutual decision, my dad helped with some of it, and we both together made a budget and we paid for the rest of the wedding together as a couple.

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  • Traditionally the girl's parents are suppose to pay. But it's 2010. Share the costs 50/50. It's his wedding too

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  • SORRY, I'M NOT A GUY, BUT THIS REMINDED ME OF A PUZZLE ,THAT KEEPS COMING TO MIND , AFTER THREE YEARS - YOU MAY HAVE JUST SOLVED IT - ! ^^

    I was hanging out with a guy who was trying to date me, & he said " whoever I marry , her parents are paying for the wedding.. I was trying to figure out the JOKE... If it was that h was getting married - I came from a divorced family, so marriage was not a'normal' part of my upbringing. or if it was that he was going to make the bride family to pay -- Isn't that a DOWARY? I thought the went out like in the 1800's or something... So it was NOT a joke t] - Ha, ha,ha... Super! lol.

    :-)

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